Any insight on why friend would be mad?

[Lynn 007]

Hello there
My apologies ahead of time for the long post but I want to give you a clear picture so you can offer constructive input.

I am trying to figure out why a close friend would be upset with me and would appreciate any insight into what I'm not seeing as I value this friendship.

Background
Earlier this year I sent an e-mail out to a number of friends saying we should get together and go to Vegas in the fall for a weekend. A number of people responded "yes" sounds good (everyone always says yes until it's time to pay).

As it turned out in June I received a pre-layoff notice from work.
Since I had other travel committments I advised those who expressed an interest that it will be unlikely we could afford to go to Vegas; along with other travel committments since I may be losing my job (notice has been delayed). Plus my husband has been out of work for 17 months so we need to watch our $$$.

A couple who expressed an interest (close friends) understood our potential financial situation but they have never been to Vegas and really wanted to go this fall. We looked at our budget and we know they want to stay at 5* hotels, get prime seats for top shows and dine at the best restaurants and hit the casinos (guys) and a spa day, along with a tour of the Grand Canyon, etc. We said no BUT I've always wanted to go to a conference in Vegas for someone that I follow (Steve's workshop) but due to other committments it has never worked out.

They called two days ago and said I know you can't afford Vegas but do you want to go on a holiday with us next week (less expensive than Vegas). We said sure, I'll check if I can get time off. As it turned out my last minute request was declined. I was a bit disappointed as I love holidays but also need to be realistic as I may be laid off any day.

With that being said, I talked to my husband and said life is too short. I've waited to go to one of Steve's workshops if I don't book it now something will come up - let's book something right away; so we did. I can go to the workshop and my husband can do his thing and we can meet up in the evenings. I booked our flight, hotel and registered for a workshop. I sent my friend an e-mail letting her know we booked Vegas which happens to be just before her husbands birthday. (hmm, nice birthday present) but it is not a 5* hotel and I would not be available most of time.

Now, she is very angry with me because I did this without the courtesy of letting her know as she has always wanted to go to Vegas.

In all honesty, I NEVER have a problem or any guilt doing what I want to do and what makes me happy. I'm a strong believer in; in order to make anyone else happy I must be happy and I am number 1 in my world; then my husband and then others.

My husband and I booked this trip together; knowing I would be attending a workshop and he would be on his own.

Once again, my apologies for the long post but I'm here to grow and learn and would like to know why someone would be mad I made arrangements without their knowledge. Was I supposed to let them know? What am I missing?

[Fred Tracy]

Is your friend one of the ones who was originally going to Vegas?

I can see why they're upset. You had a trip with them, then said you couldn't go as you didn't have enough money to go to Vegas. Then you decided to go after all, but without them.

Unless I got something wrong here, I'd be annoyed too!

[votoshka]

So let's get this straight...

You planned to go to Vegas and invited your friends. You had financial issues, so cancelled the Vegas trip. Later, your friends invite you on a holiday that will be cheaper. Then, you and your husband go and book a trip to Vegas but without your friend (not sure what you decided with respect to your friend's proposed holiday??).

Well, yeah, if I was in your friend's position I'd be upset too. They really wanted to go to Vegas, but respected that you weren't able to, and then asked you on a cheaper trip, but you went ahead and booked Vegas anyway, without them! I mean, if you had called and told her what you and your husband had decided, and then given her the option of tagging along to Vegas with you, then it would have been okay, but you pretty much just booked it without telling her, and that's after saying you couldn't afford Vegas!

To me it doesn't sound like you really considered your friend's feelings in this. Yes, you had a right to make the decisions you did, and you shouldn't have to answer to anybody outside the family... but because of prior discussions with your friend regarding a trip to Vegas, I can understand why she's upset.

[Lynn 007]

Thanks for your feedback.

My vacation request was not approved on such short notice. Asked on Wednesday for the following week off (during a really busy period).

I could see them being upset if I had booked a trip without them and still went in in the fall (as originally planned) but the trip we booked is not until January.

Was I supposed to let them know? I think it would be rude to invite people away for a vacation then tell them to have fun but I'm doing something else.

Would you be upset?

[votoshka]

Well in that case, I think I probably would have declined the trip away with them (because you can't go), but I would tell them of my plans to go to Vegas in January, before booking the trip. That would just be a sort of courtesy given that there had been previous discussions about a trip to Vegas with all of you!

[Lynn 007]

Thanks
We had a number of conversations on my interest of going to Vegas in January. That is what perturbs me; why they would be so upset I had booked it?

I just can't see why it would upset someone.

[Merr]

I completely agree with Votoshka. If I was your friend I would have been really upset too. I think the issue is that you and your friend have one thing in common but really there's something else going on here. Your friend wants to go on a holiday with YOU. First you said that you couldn't afford Vegas, then you said that you couldn't get time to go off on the holiday, then suddenly you can afford Vegas again - only this time you don't consult them when you said (or at least arguably implied) that you would.

This isn't even just about Vegas. In your friend's eyes, you place value on going to Vegas above the friendship! Imagine how you would feel if you felt like a friend valued going to a place over your actual friendship? The fact that they have more money and can easily afford to go whenever, wherever (from the sound of it) is completely irrelevant. The fact that your friend was willing to go somewhere cheaper and go to a different location is her way of communicating that you're more valuable to her than the place. Otherwise, your friend would have planned to go to Vegas anyway, without you, once she knew that you couldn't afford it.

I'm sure you don't really value Vegas more than your friend but it certainly looks like it and feels like it to her. I hope that everything works out.

[Lynn 007]

When we told them we couldn't afford Vegas in the Fall (which we told them in August); and an interest in going in January, they confirmed they would probably still go. I wasn't upset.

Then they decided to go on a vacation next week that would be half the amount of $$ of a good week in Vegas. I requested time off so we could join them but my my vacation request was declined because we were only given three days notice.

The reason for the phone call was to advise us they decided they were not going on vacation next week but have postponed it to late October and wanted us to join them on part of their holiday it or all of it (they are visiting another city). I said sure it sounded good; let me talk to my husband. I can't see it being a problem at my company since I will be giving them reasonable notice (besides 3 days). I would let her know within the next few days.

We couldn't afford to go to Vegas in the fall and the winter and she knew I wanted to go in the winter.

On the phone, I advised her we booked Vegas yesterday for January and she was really upset that we didn't have the courtesy to advise her (but we previously said would probably go).

I still can't see anything wrong with my actions. Now, I need to call her and see if she still wants us to join her on vacation in late October in another city? lol. I know she will, we've known each other for years but as mentioned I can be a bit self-centrered and I need to see things through others eyes but this has me stumped.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Lynn 007

I'm here to grow and learn and would like to know why someone would be mad I made arrangements without their knowledge.

You first talked about a trip to Vegas, this got her hopes up. Then you backed out, due to finances. She understood, and offered an alternative, which you accepted, but couldn't do because you couldn't get leave. Then you turned around and booked a trip to Vegas, where you knew she wanted to go, and didn't tell her you were going.

I can see why she would feel hurt by this. She wanted to go to Vegas, with you, then you said you couldn't, and then you booked it, anyway, and didn't tell her. It probably feels like "bait and switch" to her.

[votoshka]

It seems to me that at the time you decided to go to Vegas in January, you could have given your friend a call and said, "Hey, my husband and I are planning on booking a trip to Vegas in January, did you want to come? If so we can book tickets for all of us." Then, she would have had the chance to accept or decline, and I doubt there would have been hurt feelings. I still believe the hurt feelings stem from you booking the trip without telling her or asking if she wanted to come along at the same time.

[Lynn 007]

Thank you CaterpillarWomen and Votoshka; you are both right.

We couldn't afford to take two trips to Vegas within months of each other; along with other trips we have coming up next year. Destination weddings, etc.

We made the decision to go in January and booked everything in less than 10 minutes. Neither one of us thought to check if anyone else wanted to go as the workshop is the main priority and doing touristy things is secondary.

I did send an e-mail right after we booked to advise her of our decision and flight details and suggested the timing of it would be a nice birthday gift for her husband.

I'm not sure I would be as upset if the roles were reversed but that's me. Next time, I will think of picking up the phone.

Thanks again.