A New Approach to Bullying

[Shift]

I've been thinking about a new approach to bullies. Operating from the principle that people are doing the best they can with the resources they have, would it make sense to empower bullies?

That isn't to say that we should empower bullies to bully even more. The idea is that bullies are getting something from pushing other people around. Instead of ostracizing them and acting as if they are bad people, we should teach them. Teach them new ways of accessing those internal resources that they can come to win-win behaviours.

I know this is a touchy subject and it's not to be unsympathetic towards people who are bullied. In fact, I think the solution for the bullied person is similar. You can't be bullied when you are empowered.

Thoughts?

[awdye]

I think the main problem is that it works for them.

Unless there's some reason someone would want to change, it probably won't happen.

[Shift]

Originally Posted by awdye

I think the main problem is that it works for them.

Unless there's some reason someone would want to change, it probably won't happen.

True, in their mind it does work for them. At some point in their lives, they made the decision that this is the only way to access a need. The key would be to show them how the behaviour is actually taking them farther away from what they want or how there is a better way.

For a bully, the behaviour might feel like it is the only way to be accepted (fighting your way to the top). The reality is that society treats bullies like outcasts.

The key would be to show them how that behaviour doesn't work and not wait for them to figure it out. We all participate in behaviours that we unconsciously believe to serve us but actually don't (procrastination, smoking, ect.).

[Sayde]

I've been bullied for 4 years and I was sad,lonely but in the end I was grateful,grateful for the power they gave me (the antidote i made for myself). Day after day,when I was at home I asked myself lots of questions that sounded like this:

Why does this only happen to me? Do I really deserve this? Why?

Now the power I got from these questions was very unique,I haven't seen many use it when it was really necessary but I did and I somehow managed to stop revenges in other cases. I created the ability to understand a person's reasons,his focus (even the tiniest look at his arm) small things that show so much. My first time readings of people turned out to be more accurate than I ever thought they'd be. I could also learn to read what was behind their words. All of these things were proven,they weren't my imagination and that made me happy in the end; obtaining this after such a long time of torture (especially when I was very young).


NOW REGARDING BULLIES:

They are very smart when it comes to tactics; i'll give them that but when they are ignored (not just pretending that they dont exist) or you look into their eyes after they pushed you and you say: I Don't allow you to hit me (just try it and be convinced of it, trust me; it works). Also when all of them are near you the best solution is not to hit them NOT TO HIT THEM; thats exactly what they want; why? because they are cowards and will use you starting it as an excuse. Don't worry theres a very smart,honorable and powerful way out of it. Just leave the room,go wherever you want but look as if you know where you're going and just leave.

Also, one of the years I've been bullied(the last one) I didn't survive, i just lived with that. First of all their opinions didn't exist to me,they were no-ones and I just kept my mouth shut all the time with them. They were so curious about myself but that made them seem so dumb,as they truly were. If they couldnt understand my silence how the hell did they expect to understand my words?

Bullies are just pathetic,I still despise them to this day and I want to become just like batman - as strong,as willing to protect others and myself as I can.

I know it sounds a bit childish but the 2005 movie was very inspiring for me,especially regarding fear aspects.

[dailybitsofwisdom]

The bullying I went through as a teen damaged me in ways beyond my own comprehension. When I was going through those times, I got by while repeating the motto: "Relationships are about winners and losers. When they dissolve, there's always a winner and loser. Don't be the loser."

I knew what they were doing was wrong and that God would hand out judgment at the appropriate time, but years after all that torment ended I'm beginning to realize that any justice that's served is done so by ourselves.

Bullies will never realize the extent of their actions until they find the source of them. Your right...it's hard to hate someone who, if you were in their shoes, you'd probably be no different. Then you may direct your anger towards the people and circumstances that made that person who he/she is, but you'll never find the true cause.

The trick, after all the abuse is over, is to realize that we're all people who at some time have been hurt and that showing compassion for one another is the only way to heal.

[scotthegeek]

I know one alpha male at the place I used to work and He said he never hurt anyone and then boasted that him and some friend made a kid eat dog s**t. How is that for a lack of understanding.

I used to think that bully have a lack of self esteem but it most cases its the opposite they are at the top of the pecking order and have a sense of power and control.

I seen 20/20 report on bulling and after a kid hung himself the bully wore ropes around there necks at school the next day. They thought it was cool what they did.

I could go on about the effects bulling has had on me but I wont.

[ssandra]

I think you are right.

Any approach that is successful on the bully problem will have to tackle the problem from both ends. First, the victims need to learn how not to be victims any more. (that is not to say that it is their fault, but there are things that they can change to make themselves less likely a target. Such as a healthy self esteem, ways you walk and talk, etc).

And second, the bully. The bully is getting something from bullying, and if you can teach them to get that something in a way that is healthy for everybody (including them) it will help them stop bullying.

[hamix]

I agree with the OP. Though I don't think bullying stems from a pathology. IMO, it's too PC to say this. Humans can be cruel, as is evidenced by our history and common events around us. Human nature probably doesn't exist, but it is in our nature to be malevolent.

So yes, bullies need to be shown how to redirect their behaviour.

[Philemon]

I think the idea in the OP is a good one. It's optimistic, maybe too optimistic, though. I think it approaches the bully from a teacher's or adult's point of view (assuming we are talking about kids/adolescents bullying). In that sense, I think it's an excellent approach. Unfortunately, kids being bullied don't hold that position, so they need different tactics.

Adult bullying is requires a different tactics, which I won't go into for the moment.

I experienced some pretty serious bullying as a kid. Most of it was physical. At one point I contemplated some pretty nasty revenge against those kids, but luckily I didn't bring the hammer to school.

When it comes to kids, I think the quicker the problem is recognized and addressed, the better. I guess you could say "DUH" to that comment, but I'm not sure most kids feel comfortable enough or even know how to let someone know they are being bullied.

[Thai Thach]

As a teenager myself, I agree that bullying creates many detrimental effects that can last in the future. Personally, I haven't been picked on yet in high school. I believe it's due to the social circle that the individual is in where they may be a target for bullies. One of the many mistakes people make in their teen years is attempting to fit in with people who will in the end, back stab them.

Examples include: Physical bullying, Verbal abuse, Racism, Discrimination, Talking behind their backs etc.

I don't know about you guys, but I personally just hang around people who have the same interests as me eg. (Sport: Basketball) and that's all we do.

From what I've seen personally, people who have groups SITTING AROUND and just TALKING during their lunch breaks are the ones who are most likely to get bullied. Face it ; It just gives people more excuses to talk behind their friends backs. Hanging around with the right type of people and I can almost guarantee you that bullying will be rare.

For teens, the only advice I can really give for victims is : Don't try to fit in with people who you know are going to victimize you.

Other contributing factors include where the individuals live and the rates of bullying among locations.

As for adults: I don't know.. Honestly, I can't imagine adults that would still continue their reign of bullying, but society would probably take care of something like that.

[dream]

"Bullies are people too"- I get it. I think your right as well. I was bullied but the only way I got over it was to understand where they come from and why they were doing it. I was a counselor at an early age and had a way of talking them out of, or cooling down on their behavior as the adults at that time had no idea how to take care of the situation. Also, Karma is Wonderful and the best Teacher of Life Lessons.

[Marth]

Well from a different perspective, I WAS THE BULLY in school. I don't really understand why you would let experiences from your teen years still bother you and traumatize you.

[Shift]

Originally Posted by Marth

Well from a different perspective, I WAS THE BULLY in school. I don't really understand why you would let experiences from your teen years still bother you and traumatize you.

The reason those experiences still bother people is because it's not a conscious decision to be bothered by it or not. Like anything else, we learn based on what our senses give us. When a person is bullied, they might come to the conclusion that being around a particular person is unsafe. Depending on how bad it is or how long it lasts, they might even come to the conclusion that people are unsafe.

What did bullying give you, Marth?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Marth

Well from a different perspective, I WAS THE BULLY in school. I don't really understand why you would let experiences from your teen years still bother you and traumatize you.

The pain accumulated in those times still exists in the pain body, which is in the bodies cellular memory.

Usually it is hard for people to let go and heal because the bullies carry on as though they don't know what they've done and never apologize and sincerely mean it...which would be very helpful towards the process of healing for the person.

Bullies, by their nature, don't think about other peoples feelings, If they did, they wouldn't bully.

Just think how many people you bullied that you haven't thought twice about since school who may still harbor great resentments against you even to this day. It's not because they want to be feeling this way or are letting themselves feel the pain, it's because you never acknowledged how much your actions hurt them, so they haven't been able to move on from that very easily.

It can be done without that acknowledgement, but it's definitely not an easy thing.

[ZephyrusX]

I think it is a matter of internalizing a particular way of being and worldview which is then repeated in our future decisions and behaviour. I was harassed by a group of males during elementary and middle school because they thought I was aboriginal for some reason (even though I'm pretty damn white ). Although I cognitively recognized that it was their behaviour that was wrong and dismissed them as jackasses, I did internalize the idea that people are 'unsafe', which continued to influence my behaviour years after the fact.

We are really responsible for choosing whether or not to continue behaving this way though. I understand that bullying can be traumatizing, especially if you don't have many internal and external resources, but at some point, you have to make the decision to break your own cycle of thoughts and choose a more empowering way of being. If you have enough internal and external resources, you don't even have to let bullies influence your way of thinking at all. I don't hold it against a person for not having those resources though. They may not even be conscious of the fact that they are living a pattern of victimization.

Originally Posted by Marth

Well from a different perspective, I WAS THE BULLY in school. I don't really understand why you would let experiences from your teen years still bother you and traumatize you.

[ZephyrusX]

I more or less agree with this. I also think this applies to the criminal justice system. However, unless we have a practical system through which to live these values, our words don't really amount to much. I think the logistics of actually balancing the needs and concerns of victims and bullies is where our values get lost in the system.

In my own experience, the education system tends to favour the concerns of victims and their families at the consequence of the bully. I can't say that this is absolutely a bad thing as their perspective is legitimate in a way. But then whose role should it be to rehabilitate bullies?

Originally Posted by ssandra

I think you are right.

Any approach that is successful on the bully problem will have to tackle the problem from both ends. First, the victims need to learn how not to be victims any more. (that is not to say that it is their fault, but there are things that they can change to make themselves less likely a target. Such as a healthy self esteem, ways you walk and talk, etc).

And second, the bully. The bully is getting something from bullying, and if you can teach them to get that something in a way that is healthy for everybody (including them) it will help them stop bullying.

[Thai Thach]

To be honest, I think the best way to tackle the solution is to make bullying illegal. Why not? Incorporate it into the legal system and make it a criminal offense. I don't see the problem in that.

So many people each year take their lives due to bullying. I even get videos from Facebook on news about how this kid just took his life. Furthermore, according to statistics roughly 60,000 in the US are afraid of going to school due to bullying. Honestly, a person has absolutely no right to commit that sort of stupidity and have it spread throughout their social circle. I strongly believe as of right now that the VICTIMS are usually the ones that suffer due to a horrible enforcement by the law of such act.

I don't want to see it from "another perspective" because all these classic bully excuses eg:

1. Parents abusing the kids at home. (This is no way to take out your anger on other kids. It's not their fault no one loves you. <-- Just kidding. If your parents are that abusive to the point where you don't have the basic necessities required to form a family or you're mentally suffering, then you have a right to report it. There's a Youth Protection Act that outlines such things. )

So many people suffer and decide to take their lives each year. It's unarguably clear that bullies are a detriment to society. If they have problems themselves, then they can go seek out help. Get their rehabilitation away from the stakeholders that are in danger of being treated in such a way that it would amount to bullying.

I refuse to believe that there is a legitimate reason as to why certain buffoons bully often. Just make the darn act illegal. Problem solved.

In the world of bullying, there's no such thing as "the other side".

[hamix]

Originally Posted by Shift

True, in their mind it does work for them. At some point in their lives, they made the decision that this is the only way to access a need. The key would be to show them how the behaviour is actually taking them farther away from what they want or how there is a better way.

For a bully, the behaviour might feel like it is the only way to be accepted (fighting your way to the top). The reality is that society treats bullies like outcasts.

The key would be to show them how that behaviour doesn't work and not wait for them to figure it out. We all participate in behaviours that we unconsciously believe to serve us but actually don't (procrastination, smoking, ect.).

Teaching children the full range of human personalities/modes of thinking would help. Also social skills, of which a major part is to learn how to acknowledge and deal with others (including what I stated in the first sentence).

[Perspective]

There are different types of bullying... unique circumstances, reasons & appropriate responses.

Some bullying is subtle... racial prejudice - not calling names, but ignoring.
Then there's singling somebody out in a crowd to tell them what's wrong with them.
Online bullying... often from moderators (which I'm glad I haven't seen on this forum)... who harrass anybody who has oppinions different from them, & they get their little clan to back them up.
Sibling bulling... is anybody with an older sibling exempt from that?
Gossiping... spreading harmful lies, that ruin social or career connections.