The Golden Rule
 

Hello,

I have a situation that I need help with. The Golden Rule states to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, right? Or to treat others the way you would want to be treated.

Well, I've tried to live by that credo and have gotten myself into a jam and wonder if there is anyone out there who may lend some helpful advice.

There is a man that lives not far from my house who is physically handicapped. He lives in an assisted living facility with other adults who are handicapped to a certain degree. This particualar man walks with a walker and has some sort of braces on his legs. He speaks like there is something mentally challenging. I've always felt bad for him.

So.... one day a few years ago on my way home from work I saw him walking (this was before the walker) and I asked him if he wanted a ride up the hill to his home in the facility. He got in. A few weeks went by and again on my way home from work I saw him walking and gave him a ride up the hill.

This went on a few more times until I left that job. I didn't see him for awhile.

About a week ago I saw him walking with another man who I could see was mentally handicapped and the guy I gave rides to had a walker now. I asked him if he needed a ride. He said yes. Both guys got into my car and I took them to the store. The guy asked me to wait for him and I did and gave him a ride to his home.

Tonight the doorbell rang. It was the guy with the walker and his friend. He told me it was his birthday and I whole heartedly wished him a happy birthday. Then he asked me for $5.00. I only had $5.00 in my wallet. I told him I could give him $2.00. He said "You don't have $5.00?" I told him $2.00 was all I could give him. (I don't get paid until next week and I need the money).

I walked outside and gave him the money. THen he asked me if I knew how to bake a birthday cake. I told him no. Now mind you this man is quite rational, and even though he speaks with a speech impediment, he makes sense and is not really "mentally" handicapped.

Okay, then he asked me if I had a size 13 sneaker he could have because he needs new sneakers. I told him I didn't have that.

Then he asked if I could take him to church on Saturday. I told him I had something going on in the afternoon (which I do) but he said he needed a ride at 10:00 AM. I don't know of any masses/church services going on at 10:00 but he said there were. Whatever....

I said I might be able to take him. Then his friend produced a blank sheet of paper and asked for my phone number. He said he didn't have a pen and I would have to go in my house for one. I wasn't thinking and wrote down my phone number on the paper.

I went into the house and thought I would NEVER do that to anyone. I wouldn't ask of someone like that and I thought I made a HUGH MISTAKE giving out my phone number. I know he's going to call me now asking for a ride or this or that.

I felt sorry for him because of his disability and giving him a few rides wasn't enough... now it's about money, sneakers, cakes, etc.

How can I stop this and why would I do this to myself? I am beating myself up about this knowing I'm smarter than that to give out my phone number to someone I don't even know. My husband says I have rocks in my head (he's just joking) because I'm always giving of myself to others and not putting myself first.

I think I'm doing good and being nice and then I meet someone like this man who is asking too much of me. I don't even give myself time to do the things I want to do because I'm always doing for others. I'm working on that issue, but need to know how to I can eliminate this man from bothering me without hurting his feeling.

Thanks for any help!

Could you just tell him "I'm sorry, but I don't really have the time to keep going out of my way to do favors for you"?

You have to draw the line somewhere. For example, let's say a certain charity like cancer research asks you to donate and you send them $20. All is well. Then since they know you are a donater, they send you another appeal. You send them another $20.

Then they send you something for a black tie event that costs $185 per plate. You bite the bullet and accept that. They schedule a few more in the next coming months for at least $185 per pop.

Do you keep on accepting those? You just have to draw the line. Have the personal satisfaction that you did do some help but you are not obligated to give everything out.

Avoid the potential danger
 

just help others if you have enough time, you are gracious but you have to wear a wooden face some times and say no , he will understand well , you have to control the connection and not be available all times , Also you may avoid him as you can

The golden rule works best when more people live by it. Maybe you should politely remind him of the golden rule? I'm sure he wouldn't like his generosity and kindness to be taken advantage of. ;)

When I go above and beyond the Golden Rule, life has taught me "no good deed goes unpunished". Help as much as you feel like or it stops feeling good.

Thank you!
 

Thanky you all so much. You have been very helpful. I know it's easier said than done, but I will give it my best shot.

I love this! Ha!

You don't have a situation, you are been put at the test!

I would love to hear about some details, if you don't mind.

During all the moments you spend together in the car, did you talk, did he speak to you, or was it just a thank you at the end of the ride?

Do you personally believe he is abusing, taking advantage of your generosity, or is it more a situation you might think he has no one else to turn to?

It's easy to solve in a decent manner, but would like to know how you personally feel about this person.

;-)

A lot of these moral precipts are full of fallacy. For example, look at how well an-for-an-eye worked for the middle east.

The Golden Rule is no exception. "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - you DON'T see any problem with that? If not, think harder...

The problem with this so-called rule, which most blindly follow, it is steeped ins subjectivity - the way I lead my life, and want to be treated, may not only fail to coincide with the way you live your life, but also may be an infringement upon your own beliefs. Opening the door for a lesser able-bodied person may be seen as insulting, whereas having a door opened for you, who is presumably able-bodied, may be seen as a kind gesture. Careful in projecting how you want to be treated onto others, you may find yourself in hot water as the guy above did.

sounds like the guy is a bit of a douchebag to be honest. you seem like you'd do the same thing i would do, at least in the first situations but if someone came over to my house demanding that i make them cake and take them places i'd ask them to leave. mentally handicapped or not. i'd probably still help them if i was going their way later though.

"what do I look like, your daddy?"

:D

The guy's being an <3<3<3<3<3<3. You already went out of your way to help him.

If you can't tell him to leave you alone, then give your husband the phone when he calls. I'm sure he'll oblige. :p

Edit: LOL at the heart's censoring!

Congratulations with manifesting the perfect situation for yourself to learn how to set boundaries while still mainaining your own willingness to treat people nice and with respect and be kind to strangers!! :)

Where that line lies, that's something only you know.

^ssandra, I likes the way you think.

Really? That's what it says? I always thought it said, "He who has the gold, makes the rules." :confused:

I thought he was about to steal your shoes at this point in time.

Here I thought you were going to say something along the lines of 'I went inside, and he and his friend followed me in and robbed my house'. Do you know how easy it is for deceptive con-jobs to run these kinds of plays on unsuspecting people? These days claiming to be poor or disabled is just part of their act. Last time I was in Paris these 'disabled' gypsies were on every single corner. In Brisbane we even have men in wheelchairs following you down the road and shouting at you in crazy spiel if you don't donate to their 'cause'.

Probably should have been thinking 'I should NEVER have left the door open and come in here alone'.

These people are emotionally blackmailing you and playing against your charitable nature in order to manipulate you into giving them money and free stuff. There are many better ways to be a charitable person than giving in to something like this. Saying "No" for the right reasons is perfectly acceptable.

i think just be honest in your response, or you could just keep saying no without owing an explanation ... Repeat it until it sinks in. I find it works when people are trying to squeeze a different answer from me or think they are in a position to negotiate and often times, a simple no (albeit repeatedly) does the trick.

From what you have described it sounds like these men have special needs which I gather is because they are not able to take care of themselves. They sound a little child-like and I personally don't think they are scheming to take advantage of you. it could just be that they are so sheltered that they don't understand boundaries and social norms. in saying this I believe it is healthy for you to setup clear boundaries and only help as long as you feel good about it otherwise you may end up not only resenting them but also yourself for being their doormat.

I agree with midnight. Some people can smell your kindness and will just take advantage. I've grown to to be of the philosophy that I should save my kindness for those who deserve it as then I won't attract the bloodsuckers.

Few things about giving from my experience:

1)First of all I must say anything I ever gave was returned to me by a ten fold.
Meaning I always get back 10000% of what I give. Time, money anything....
Thank goodness I gave a lot ;)

2)Nowadays I have a rule if I dont give full heartedly, unconditionally, I dont give. In other words give as much as I can before I feel like that I will expect something in return, or any resentment.
How much am I willing to give totally unconditionally with joy?
I wouldnt want a person to feel like they owe me anything if I chose to give. If I give too much I may start feeling that. SO its important to find the right amount

3)Be grateful you have so much to give!! Thats an amazing blessing!

4)Whatever I wanna give, I give a little bit more. I try to push myself a little out of your comfort zone
2 days ago I decided that whoever asks me for money gets a 20 dollar bill because I noticed all I had in my wallet was 20$ bills.
It was fun seeing such grateful homeless people on the subway.
It took me outa my comfort zone but still I felt joyful about it.
5) However much you give or dont give DO NOT feel guilty that you should give more.
There will always be more opportunities to give