Giving because I feel I Have too

[butterflyeffect]

I am a terrible people pleaser, most people mistake this for generosity or being nice. I thought this previously but after mediating on it for the last few weeks I realise that it is more often than not feelings of guilt that make me give. I want to work through this so that I can give freely and willingly out of love or choice rather than guilt and force.

I have become aware of my feelings lately when I give. Yes, sometimes I want to give, I like giving. But most of the time my giving is a guilt thing, I feel guilty for having things, for spending my money, for having pretty clothes so I justify it and explain it. Then I still feel guilty so I buy things for other people or let them use my things even though its causing me great distress to do so.

Like I have a friend that used to regularly come and visit me in my room and then want to eat my food or borrow my make up or clothes. I usually said yes although it was painful to have to give her my things. I felt compelled to do so. I hate sharing clothes, I am seriously attached to my clothes and unless your my sister I do not want to lend it to you. If Im offering its because I feel unable to cope with the guilt of not doing so. In other words Im lying through my teeth.

Or when I carefully stock my fridge with the foods that I need to keep myself healthy and on my meal plan and people then ask to eat them I feel compelled to say yes. When it causes me great distress. I need those things and I leave with this feeling that people are taking things from me and sometimes I go around hiding my things so that people can't ask for them or buy them their own. It then feels like im being manipulated because people won't look after their own needs and "make me" do it.

Clearly this is my own doing and I take responsibility for that. How do you say no? How do you say, this is mine and no you can't have it? I feel soo guilty. I think its a self worth thing? I'm not really sure but Im keen to overcome it. How can I let other people run their own lives, ie: if they want something, they are responsible for getting it or not getting it. Without me feeling so guilty I have to intervene and solve it. Im suspecting a large portion of the time, they don't want my interferance anyway and its down right annoying!!!!

[rawxstasy]

I used to have this problem to. I just had to force myself to say "no". At first I was worried people would be mad at me. ( the only one who actually got mad was my mother ) It really surprised me and gave me confidence to continue doing what is best for me.

I have noticed also that people seem to respect me more when I explain that I can't do something etc. If I just go do it, then people think I'm OK with it and keep asking for more and more. It's a lot less stress on me to just be upfront right away.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you for the reply Rawxtasy!!

Even just writing out clearly what I am doing, how it makes me feel and my role in it has helped alot. I can see the pattern now, very clearly.

I've noticed the same thing actually, when I just say yes alot people do assume I am ok with it and then just escalate their demands. The people that I respect most do say no, alot and look after their own needs. So thats something Im going to remember.

I think your right. I am just going to say no. Its going to be hard at first but it will be worth it. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you, you are always so helpful with your posts and compassionate. I really relate to you alot. xx

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I am a terrible people pleaser, most people mistake this for generosity or being nice. I thought this previously but after mediating on it for the last few weeks I realise that it is more often than not feelings of guilt that make me give. I want to work through this so that I can give freely and willingly out of love or choice rather than guilt and force.

I have become aware of my feelings lately when I give. Yes, sometimes I want to give, I like giving. But most of the time my giving is a guilt thing, I feel guilty for having things, for spending my money, for having pretty clothes so I justify it and explain it. Then I still feel guilty so I buy things for other people or let them use my things even though its causing me great distress to do so.

Like I have a friend that used to regularly come and visit me in my room and then want to eat my food or borrow my make up or clothes. I usually said yes although it was painful to have to give her my things. I felt compelled to do so. I hate sharing clothes, I am seriously attached to my clothes and unless your my sister I do not want to lend it to you. If Im offering its because I feel unable to cope with the guilt of not doing so. In other words Im lying through my teeth.

Or when I carefully stock my fridge with the foods that I need to keep myself healthy and on my meal plan and people then ask to eat them I feel compelled to say yes. When it causes me great distress. I need those things and I leave with this feeling that people are taking things from me and sometimes I go around hiding my things so that people can't ask for them or buy them their own. It then feels like im being manipulated because people won't look after their own needs and "make me" do it.

Clearly this is my own doing and I take responsibility for that. How do you say no? How do you say, this is mine and no you can't have it? I feel soo guilty. I think its a self worth thing? I'm not really sure but Im keen to overcome it. How can I let other people run their own lives, ie: if they want something, they are responsible for getting it or not getting it. Without me feeling so guilty I have to intervene and solve it. Im suspecting a large portion of the time, they don't want my interferance anyway and its down right annoying!!!!

Yeah, I hear ya.

I went through this a few years ago living with two people who smoked weed all the time and felt they were entitled to help themselves to my food because I was 'rich' compared to them, being that I worked hard and didn't just sit around smoking weed all day.

Granted, one of the people there was not very well mentally, and that's another story in itself, but I became the 'mean one' for not feeding her and her child, not taking over being her childs mother while she ran off to have a life of her own after ten years of doing it hard on her own.

I have been working on this for a very long time though, and it sounds like you are just starting out with wanting to over come people pleasing behavior...and kudos to you for that. It will be a turning point for you when you can say no without feeling bad or guilty about it, but where you are now is a hard place, and it takes real persistence to learn to get past the conditioned tendency to give of yourself.

Ideally you would want to get to a point where you are in total charge of how much of yourself you are willing and want to give, and not feel obliged to give at other times if you don't want to. You are perfectly within your rights as a human being to do this, but don't think people around you will let you get away with it without trying to drag you back to a place of feeling obligated...they won't like any change in the status quo at all...so be prepared for that.

There is a good book called "How to say No when you feel you ought to say Yes" by Vera Peiffer, which sounds like it's written just for you right now.

It will give you exercises to do which can help you understand where in your life you were made to feel a loss in your confidence and made to feel less important than others...which is helpful and you can start to rewire your brain so you can think more realistically about things, and not fall so easily into just giving in when someone accuses you of being 'selfish'.

Learning about Emotional Blackmail might be a good one for you as well...Dr. Susan Forward wrote a great book called "Emotioanl Blackmail-when the people in your life use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to control you"

[Cochonette]

Well, I never gave much stuff away because I've always had less than the people around me. And no one asks me for anything either, so I'm sitting here like, "Where are all these people coming from who keep asking you for things?"

[elucidate]

I just read your OP again, and it does sound like you have attachment issues to do with your ego...and, dare I say, are a little bit petty.

You said you feel pain when someone asks to borrow your clothes and you don't want to share them...actual pain?

This is strange to me.

I get that you have every right to say no, and it's good to learn to, but I can't help but wonder if you might also benefit from learning to not be so attached to things, and identifying with them as "mine". It sounds like you attach certain meanings to your clothes, in that you work hard to earn the money for them, therefore why should you feel obliged to lend them to anyone who isn't your sister. That's fair enough. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't here...just maybe prompting you to enquire into your thought processes in relation to this and where they stem from.

I went through this spiritual process many years ago where I realized that nothing is actually "mine", it's just stuff, and it's stuff that will one day go to someone else, or get lost, or I will have to throw it out...so enjoying it while it's here is important, but feeling so attached to stuff that you feel actual pain when you give it away...that suggests something that might require some reflection, in my opinion.

I still think it would be good if everyone read the books I mentioned earlier, but you may also want to look at yourself here? Then again, you can also tell me to go jump if you want.

[Clint Cora]

If you are a giver, I think you have a great opportunity here because there has been a realization in the career/business world that the more freely you give and service others, the law of regarding reciprocal behaviour will start kicking in. It's karma in a sense. If you give a lot, you will eventually get a lot in return somehow.

However, in your case, there's also the matter of perhaps dealing with certain people who will always take from you and never give anything back in return and do this over and over again. When this happens, then they are obviously taking advantage of you.

These particular people then end up being in the 'toxic' category which is a totally separate issue from the matter of giving. On one hand, you should continue to be a giving spirit since in the end, you will get much more in many ways in return.

However, you should also manage the toxicity in your life by drastically decreasing your exposure or even cutting out the toxic people in your life and balancing it by exposing yourself with many more people who are not toxic.

The non-toxic people will recognize your giving nature more and give back to you in return in many ways.

So I think in your case it's a matter of who you choose to make your time available for.

[butterflyeffect]

@Elucidate, thanks for the book recomendations, Im going to head to the library of the weekend and see if I can find them. If not then amazon!

I am at the begining stages of just noticing the people pleasing and as such I feel worried. Im not really sure whats reasonable and whats not. But you do raise a point about the attachment to my clothes. Its a bit extreme.

I'm not worried about the cost of them or anything like that. I don't mind lending things to certain people if I am sure they will be looked after and returned ie. my sister and maybe 1-2 other friends. When I think about it carefully its an anxiety thing. Like I need these things to stay safe and well and without them, ie. other people using them, im vulnerable and can't easily get more clothes. I am really picky and finding things that fit, look good etc and I like can be really draining. Also the fear that because Im not at my ideal weight I won't be able to get more clothes to fit again where as other people can. So I think there is alot tied up in irrational fear thoughts that I need to look at and start to let go. Becuase I notice when I feel secure in myself and my surroundings the attachment to my things lessens dramatically. I think I need to keep affirming to myself their just clothes at the end of the day.

[butterflyeffect]

@Conchenette, how funny! Lol well if you get lonely, I am happy to send some really needy people your way..

Isn't it funny how we can be living in the same world with human beings and have completely opposite experiences based on belief systems.

@Clintcora, I think as always you have raised a good point. I don't want to stop giving and become a scrouge so learning to identify and eliminate those toxic people is good idea. I think I tend to get caught up in patterns of people taking advantage of me, then play the victim and do it over and over rather than just bite the bullet and say no to them and their demands.

Great distinction: giving to help part be a part of the greater good and contribute with the understanding of shared mutual benifit in some form, even just good feelings verusus toxic giving with resentment.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

@Clintcora, I think as always you have raised a good point. I don't want to stop giving and become a scrouge so learning to identify and eliminate those toxic people is good idea. I think I tend to get caught up in patterns of people taking advantage of me, then play the victim and do it over and over rather than just bite the bullet and say no to them and their demands.

Great distinction: giving to help part be a part of the greater good and contribute with the understanding of shared mutual benifit in some form, even just good feelings verusus toxic giving with resentment.

That's right. If you meet people who are very giving towards you, I'm sure that you would not take advantage of them, right? You probably would want to do something nice in return. So you just have to meet more people like yourself

[Fred Tracy]

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a more emotional, empathetic personality. Although it would have its benefits, what you described here is definitely a negative.

I'm assuming you're very kind, generous person, even if you didn't experience guilt when giving.

To solve your problem, I think you already know what you need to do. If you don't want to give something to someone, don't do it. It's as simple as that.

If they get angry, that's their problem. Of course, given your highly empathetic nature, you're likely to experience all of the stress from them being angry.

That's when removing childish people from your life becomes key..

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks Fred. Your right, I do just need to bite the bullet and start saying no. Alot of the time when I say yes, its instant and automatic and only dawns on me afterwards..

So now I am just focusing on being aware and in touch with myself so that I can identify and check in if I want to do something or not. I have said NO to a couple of things!!!

The more I look at it I think it is tied to a greater issue of giving my power away to others and constantly diluting it with the need for approval. So by being present and self affirming I am going to be able to handle the consequences of my No's.

I notice I get overwhelmed alot by how much I commit myself to, with my ridiculous over volunteering so its good, thank you all for the support, im starting to say no. And even better, stop volunteering myself willy nilly in the first place!!!

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

@Elucidate, thanks for the book recomendations, Im going to head to the library of the weekend and see if I can find them. If not then amazon!

No problem. I'm sure you will find it interesting reading.

I am at the begining stages of just noticing the people pleasing and as such I feel worried. Im not really sure whats reasonable and whats not. But you do raise a point about the attachment to my clothes. Its a bit extreme.

I remember that place. It takes some time, but if you really make the effort to reach inside yourself, meditate on it, and start to really see the reality...and weigh up what they are asking of you with what you feel comfortable with. Intend to gain clarity on the issue and this might help.

I'm not worried about the cost of them or anything like that. I don't mind lending things to certain people if I am sure they will be looked after and returned ie. my sister and maybe 1-2 other friends. When I think about it carefully its an anxiety thing. Like I need these things to stay safe and well and without them, ie. other people using them, im vulnerable and can't easily get more clothes. I am really picky and finding things that fit, look good etc and I like can be really draining. Also the fear that because Im not at my ideal weight I won't be able to get more clothes to fit again where as other people can. So I think there is alot tied up in irrational fear thoughts that I need to look at and start to let go. Becuase I notice when I feel secure in myself and my surroundings the attachment to my things lessens dramatically. I think I need to keep affirming to myself their just clothes at the end of the day.

It sounds like you have hit on the reasons. That's good that you are learning more about where it stems from.

[Agota]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I'm not worried about the cost of them or anything like that. I don't mind lending things to certain people if I am sure they will be looked after and returned ie. my sister and maybe 1-2 other friends. When I think about it carefully its an anxiety thing. Like I need these things to stay safe and well and without them, ie. other people using them, im vulnerable and can't easily get more clothes. I am really picky and finding things that fit, look good etc and I like can be really draining. Also the fear that because Im not at my ideal weight I won't be able to get more clothes to fit again where as other people can. So I think there is alot tied up in irrational fear thoughts that I need to look at and start to let go. Becuase I notice when I feel secure in myself and my surroundings the attachment to my things lessens dramatically. I think I need to keep affirming to myself their just clothes at the end of the day.

I'd like to adress the issue of giving and feeling guilty about saying no from the different angle (although elucidate already pointed that out):

It does sound like there's strong underlying attachment which makes it hard for you to give, but since you think you should, you do so anyway and feel bad about it. You seem to be adressing the feeling bad about saying no part, when it's actually an effect, not the cause, when the real cause is underlying egoistic tendencies which manifest as attachment to money and things or as unwillingness to put efforts into doing something for others. Might that be the case?

I mean, it's one thing when you just don't want to give your food to your friend, it's another thing when you know you'll have to go without the food yourself, which means that the act of giving will get you into trouble. I'm not sure whether I'm expressing this clearly, but I hope you get the point.

In case it's about attachement and egoistic tendencies, which it seems to be given the level of anxiety you mention, the solution would probably be the opposite than the one you were considering: it would be a conscious practice of generosity.

[ladybugist]

Hey there Butterflyeffect---Ladybugist here---I am new to this forum, but saw your thread and thought I might could shed some light on your situation here----first and foremost you sound like a very precious person----who is blessed with great values---what I mean by that is you sound like your independant----you take care of yourself---you don't look to others to do that for you----that is a wonderful trait----now I have a few questions----when these people are around you that need your stuff----do you know they are coming , or do they just show up? The thing is if they call before they come----and you know they are going to want to eat your food, or use your make-up, or borrow your clothes---let them know that your not up for a visit---and if they just show up---let them know that you are needing some alone time. Butterflyeffect please don't think I want you to fib to these people, but you are trying to take care of yourself----when you can take care of yourself and have a lot leftover----then that is when you share with other people.

There is something else that I have found out in my many years on this earth---when you give from the heart----you will get back more than you ever gave----not from the person you gave to, but from somewhere.

[GeorgePH]

Butterfly Effect

I used to be the same way. I just made a post about this on my blog 2 days ago, so I don't want to paste the whole thing here but you can read it at: Don’t Be Nice; Be Efficient.

Hope it helps; if you have any questions, I'll be on hand to answer them.

[butterflyeffect]

@ClintCora: I do find that most people who surround me are incredibly generous with their time and advice and just really loving. I am always really conscious of how much they are giving and I try to make sure its a win win situation and that I can give back. I'm not out to take things from people, I have plenty of stuff already.

After thinking about what you and everyone else has said I am creating a scrap book. In it I am listing the names of my close friends, family and support networks and why I appreciate them. Then I am going to make a separate section of people I'm not as close to who are just insanely loving and helpful on this journey. I think it will be a great way to ground myself in the loving energy and help align myself with it in a healthy way.

@Agota, Im not sure if your reading me correctly. I'm processing what your saying and Im taking it on board but Im not certain its an ego thing. I suspect theres an element of that but Im not sure its the whole thing. Maybe it is and I do like the idea of conscious generosity. I think I could definatley benifit from being more consciously generous and I am going to make sure to practice that, at my core I do love giving and exchanging love.

I do give alot to people in a healthy way like talking to old people with their rambly stories and helping international students who get lost in our uni campus, doing peoples make up for them and showing them what looks good (not for money but because I enjoy having something I can share). When I think about it that sort of giving doesn't cause me anxiety. I enjoy helping its when I over give and get myself into trouble that causes high anxiety.

The clothing thing gets me into endless trouble. As does the giving too freely of my time. I will agree to hang out because they ask when I am meant to be and want to be studying for an exam. They then usually sit in my room, rambling on, touching all my stuff and asking me to do thier nails, eating the meal plan foods and just being generally needy. If I was in the mood to hang out fine, I'll do your nails for you and play stylist and we'll have a great time. But not just as I am about to take a nap or right before Im studying for a big test etc then I let you in but feel anxious and edgy and project it onto the things in the room. They feel tangible and reasonable to be upset about whereas wanting to study or nap feels self indulgent and unreasonable.

I'm noticing more and more that I project my anxiety about other things onto my possessions. Like I get really edgy when one of my guy friends visits my room, the issue is I don't feel comfortable having him in my room with just the two of us, its too intimate. He then proceeds to touch everything in sight and comment and I just feel my privacy is being invaded and I have no personal space left. Thats the issue, not a bunch of make up and clothes.

[butterflyeffect]

@GeorgePH, I read your blog post and I agree with the general message. I find people pleasers annoying and they never achieve anything. I'd rather the bad boy any day.

I've decided I am going to be more blunt. In the process of protecting everyones feelings the message gets lost. Words like, yes, no, maybe. No more confusion. Not rambly excuses about why or why not.

@Ladybugist, welcome to the SP forums!!!
In terms of your questions, it does vary. Sometimes I know people are coming, other times its a suprise. The issue isn't the visit but whether or not they are wanted. If i want people to come then im happy to share and be merry but if I didn't want to hang out in the first place and they come and start touching and eating everything then its a nightmare. Its like, I didn't want you to come in the first place, Im feeling agitated and unsettled and your adding to that by messing with my things. The feeling of "Take what you want and get out."

But yes, I agree with you. I need to just take care of my own needs and wants first and then share because it feels better for everyone and can be continued long term. This other method creates endless problems and makes me less independant in the long run.

[butterflyeffect]

The Return on Giving:

Im not worried about getting something in return for helping. I try to give for the sake of giving and just enjoy the pleasant feelings and rewards of win/win deals. I agree that being generous often reaps its own rewards but I'm not convinced thats why we as humans act so lovingly. It feels part of my essence to love and be loved.

Anyway I feel as though I have enough stuff already. I have an network of loving friends and family, good looks, a healthy body and brain and the ability to get almost anything I want with enough concentrated effort and though.
And there are so many loving people like yourselves in the world who help me reach my dreams and goals as I go along in this world. Its great to be part of something so much bigger than myself and know that Im contributing to the great loving human network.

[butterflyeffect]

Thank you all for all your loving messages.

Guess what? I have been saying NO and it feels fantastic. Its only been to small things so far, requests on my time, catch ups etc that I don't want to do. But it feels so invigorating.

By saying No I have more time to focus on meeting my needs and whats important to me and ironically it seems I become less of a burden on those around me. Its still baby steps but it will have a huge impact in the long run.

[Alen]

@butterflyeffect

Great work! You have already done a great improvement.

I have two additional advices for you.
1. Whenever you want to change your behavior you actually should change your emotional state. They are connected. When you are in a strong emotional state you can easily say NO to everybody. When you are in lousy/low self esteem emotional state you fear others and can't say NO because your brains don't know how to.
2. If you want to change your emotional state focus on your physiology and psychology. They determine your emotional state.
3. When you start using your body different; self confidently - you become self confident. Try it. Ask yourself: how would I be seating behind a computer right now if I would be totally self confident. If I would know that nothing can stop me? If you adopt your physiology you will definitely start feeling self confident.
4. On the other hand if you add positive psychology/self talk to that, you will have tremendous result. The way you talk to yourself determine how you feel about something. When you start talking positively in your head you will become more positive and self confident.

Thus I recommend two things.

#1: 10 minutes per day train in front of a mirror. Go to Google images find people who are really self confident and mimic their facial expression and their posture.
#2: Buy yourself this book: Amazon.com: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥: How I Got Rich & Happy by Not Giving a Damn About Anyone & How You Can, Too: Martin Kihn: Books Read it 15 minutes per day. Not just once. Few times. For few months. Let your mind get used to the new idea and new attitude.

This is kind of a fitness for your NO. If you train 20 minutes per day being self confident you will be able to say NO freely. You will become a real NO master in 6 months . Give it a try. Be like a sportsman. Train and improve!

Let me know if you want more info or coaching (free)
Regards!

[elucidate]

Hey that's great news.

It does get easier with time too. One day you will turn around and realize you don't even hesitate or feel bad anymore when you say no to someone.

I've even felt like I was turning a bit too hard for being able to walk past red cross people on the street trying to get me to donate and say no without stopping or feeling bad about it...which for me is progress. I can turn down people on the phone wanting me to 'save the babies' and donate , and even say it twice if they try and push anyway.

You'll get there...hey, you already are there if you can do this in small ways.

[butterflyeffect]

Thanks Elucidate. I have been saying no to strangers/acquaintances alot more now. No explanations or justifcations, just No. Politely though.

Im finding it harder to do with my family and close friends. I am a very strong personality so its weird that I can be so passive. But a relative called today who rambles on for ages and I cut her off after a few minutes and hung up. My parents were upset but thats a small price to pay.

@Alen: Thanks for your advice and comments. They are really insightful.

Positive self talk and internal reassurance. Can do!! I also listened to one of your gratitude podcasts. Their fantastic.

I am very visual so watching and mimicking very confident people will work well for me.

I am going to focus on putting those two actions steps in order and then I'll get back to you once I've done that.