Never listen to anyone and now I feel so helpless

[AFA]

Hello everyone I have posted here before and never listened and I have a problem....


I have a boyfriend who I have known since April 2008 and I started dating him in June 2008. He seemed so wonderful and he was so wonderful never did anything really mean or anything. He always put me first and we never really had any problems. He had a job at a ware house and he was always paying for things (I really had no money because I was not working but I was 18 and training for the airforce)

I graduated High school in June 2009

He lost his job around Sept 2009 and started collecting unemployment.

In November he started to go to school.

Dec of 2009 I went into the military. We had to do a long distance relationship and he wrote me a letter in basic training saying he dropped out because it wasnt for him and he was sorry and I said (in my head) its not a problem he always took care of me now I can return the favor.


He came to my basic trainig graduation in feb 2010 and I thought he would propose... He didn't


All through 2010 he we saw each other every few months... He was still smoking weed. He didnt look for another job or get into school. i told him i don't like distance and I wanted to get married. He didn't want to not yet anyways because he wasnt ready.

now lets move down a little bit.....
June 2011 found out he cheated on me with a girl about 3 times. He got her number while I was in basic training. . . . He was really apologetic


Aug 2011 he tried to go to school for basketball and to take 12 units of classes and once he found out he couldnt do basketball for some reason he quit school(lasted 2 weeks)


Currently Sept 2011--- I am a medic in the USAF. I have my associates degree and also am training to become a flight nurse and rescue soldiers from the war and treat them on the plane. (MY DREAM) I passed all my task and am ready to move to GERMANY in less than 4 months and he is still smoking weed and doing nothing. I told him I want to get married or nothing becasue i will NOT do distance anylonger especially from Germany. he said if we can build a strong relationship and everything by the time I leave he might go with me. LOL hear that MIGHT go with me WTF!!!!

I do not believe he will come with me because he talks about stuff in the future in california like going to a school and registering for classes and joing a league and everything.


I have so much going for myself and this guy has nothing. Im 20 he is 23 and were both about to turn 21 and 24 in FEB. He doesnt do anything besides play basketball and smoke weed and hang out with his friends.

I dont know why i love him so much!!!!! I need advice and I will actually follow it this time.


Also i have a few questions... i live in a dorm and I have guys and girls in my dorms. He says I should not make any friends with the guys becasue thats not how a girlfriend acts. He says I dont need guy friends and doesnt want me to go to a pool and wear a bikini without him and one time my phone stayed on on accident after I hung up and I was helping clean the dorms with guys and girls and there were like 5 of them and He got so mad becasue he said I was laughing with them which i was but they all have girls and its nothing like that.

My question is is he right on that kind of thing and also what Do i do with him. I try to cut it off and then he contacts me again and i fall back in love all over again. Help!!! Thank you if you actually read everything!

[pianoperformer]

You need to cut it off. He's controlling, and seems to have double standards, too. He sounds far too immature for you right now.

It sounds like you have a great life ahead of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Now you can find someone to share in that joy with you, who will really respect you.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by AFA

Dec of 2009 I went into the military. We had to do a long distance relationship and he wrote me a letter in basic training saying he dropped out because it wasnt for him and he was sorry and I said (in my head) its not a problem he always took care of me now I can return the favor.

He came to my basic trainig graduation in feb 2010 and I thought he would propose... He didn't


All through 2010 he we saw each other every few months... He was still smoking weed. He didnt look for another job or get into school. i told him i don't like distance and I wanted to get married. He didn't want to not yet anyways because he wasnt ready.

now lets move down a little bit.....
June 2011 found out he cheated on me with a girl about 3 times. He got her number while I was in basic training. . . . He was really apologetic


Aug 2011 he tried to go to school for basketball and to take 12 units of classes and once he found out he couldnt do basketball for some reason he quit school(lasted 2 weeks)


he said if we can build a strong relationship and everything by the time I leave he might go with me. LOL hear that MIGHT go with me WTF!!!!

I do not believe he will come with me because he talks about stuff in the future in california like going to a school and registering for classes and joing a league and everything.


I have so much going for myself and this guy has nothing.

He says I should not make any friends with the guys becasue thats not how a girlfriend acts. He says I dont need guy friends and doesnt want me to go to a pool and wear a bikini without him and one time my phone stayed on on accident after I hung up and I was helping clean the dorms with guys and girls and there were like 5 of them and He got so mad becasue he said I was laughing with them which i was but they all have girls and its nothing like that.

My question is is he right on that kind of thing and also what Do i do with him. I try to cut it off and then he contacts me again and i fall back in love all over again. Help!!! Thank you if you actually read everything!

1) He's unmotivated and lazy. You gave him the benefit of the doubt but it doesn't sound like he's done very much since then.

2) You're in different places in your life. You want to get married and he doesn't want to get married yet, if ever.

3) It's unclear whether you want to marry him for his qualities (which sound few and far between) or get married for the sake of it.

4) He cheated on you several times. Not only was he unfaithful but it suggests that he is untrustworthy. Not a great basis for a relationship let alone a more serious commitment like marriage.

5) He doesn't believe that your relationship is a strong one and from what you've been writing, neither do you.

6) Not only is he in a different place emotionally and at a different stage in the relationship, he has no serious plans to make it work once you follow you dream and leave.

7) You've said that you have so much going for yourself and he has nothing - that may be true but it isn't a nice to look down on him. Is it good for either of you to be in a relationship when you're looking down on him in this way?

8) He has jealousy issues which is a red flag in and of itself but is also hypocritical considering his cheating.

You've listed so many reasons to break up with him and stay out of contact that it feels to me like you've answered your own question. Break up permanently, stay out of contact and start your new life in Germany.

[AFA]

Thank you I know I dont understand i am so smart why am i staying with him???! I feel like its a drug!!! he brings nada to the table but yet I cant stop being with him!! I feel stupid because everyone just says dump him but I never listened!!! Man when I have kids ima get my payback lol

[AFA]

I appreciate you taking the time to write all that.Your right with everything you said. I have tried to help him and send him money and do everything I can. Sent him 400 then another 500 then 50 then whatever else. bought every plane ticket except one and every bus ticket and pay for everything. He just doesnt have any ambition and I wish there was some way to change it!

[awdye]

Originally Posted by AFA

I appreciate you taking the time to write all that.Your right with everything you said. I have tried to help him and send him money and do everything I can. Sent him 400 then another 500 then 50 then whatever else. bought every plane ticket except one and every bus ticket and pay for everything. He just doesnt have any ambition and I wish there was some way to change it!

You can't change it. He might choose to change when he can't buy his dope anymore. Of course, why would he want to do that since he's got someone giving it to him? You.


I think you asked the million dollar question. Only you can answer it.

Originally Posted by AFA

why am i staying with him???!

[ButterflyWoman]

Looks like a lot of people gave you advice about this situation already: Please some real advice

Originally Posted by AFA

why am i staying with him???! I feel like its a drug!!!

Co-dependency. Look into it. You'll see yourself, and maybe you can start to take steps to change these things about yourself.

Originally Posted by AFA

I cant stop being with him!!

Get on the plane to Germany and stop sending him money, stop emailing him, stop talking to him. Meet someone else, or don't, but get far away and stay far away.

And for heaven's sake, stop telling yourself you "can't" get over him and you "need" him and so on. It's just emotions. You don't have to do what they tell you to do. Honestly, it's like someone saying they can't stop eating potato chips while sitting on the couch all day, or they can't stop smoking, or they can't stop pilfering money from their boss or they can't stop this or that habit.

Originally Posted by AFA

everyone just says dump him but I never listened!!!

People here are telling you that, as well. Are you listening now? Or are you just going to continue with your addiction to a loser?

[christianyethboth]

Originally Posted by AFA

Thank you I know I dont understand i am so smart why am i staying with him???! I feel like its a drug!!! he brings nada to the table but yet I cant stop being with him!! I feel stupid because everyone just says dump him but I never listened!!! Man when I have kids ima get my payback lol

From the down and out way he lives his life, the negative and disrespectful way he treats you (from what you've told us), what is it exactly that you find attractive about him in which you keep 'falling in love with him again'? (Being good looking doesn't count as being all round attractive in my book)

Are you afraid of meeting someone else better than him and letting him go because of the fear of him getting angry and losing it, or are you afraid of being alone?

[Merr]

Originally Posted by AFA

I appreciate you taking the time to write all that.Your right with everything you said. I have tried to help him and send him money and do everything I can. Sent him 400 then another 500 then 50 then whatever else. bought every plane ticket except one and every bus ticket and pay for everything. He just doesnt have any ambition and I wish there was some way to change it!

You can't change him but you can take responsibility for yourself. You've said that you love him but can you honestly see a happy future for the two of you based on the way he is now? I understand what it's like to love somebody and hope that an issue of compatibility will resolve itself but it never does, especially when you're forcing the issue. Mentioning marriage so often to him has probably made it seem particularly unappealing and he probably feels like you've got a whole book written and his role has been decided, without any participation on his part.

I stand by what I have said before. Your post is filled with so many reasons why the relationship will not work and only one reason why it would work: because you want it to. The only way it could ever work is for him to meet you halfway in some fashion and that won't ever happen while he feels like you want him to act in a specific way. I think the best thing to do may well be to tell him that he's made his intentions clear and that you respect them and respect what he's decided to do and that you're going to Germany. Period.

[Clint Cora]

First of all, big congratulations on YOUR achievements!! You are on your way to success.

Now as for your guy, if you did not know him and was asked to describe the perfect man for your life, how closely would he resemble that description?

I'm assuming a big 'Not even close!' response. If this is the case, then first and foremost, you must realize that he's not the one for you and you deserve someone much closer to your ideal.

Now as far as why you keep falling back in love with him, I suspect that like in many other cases where it's hard to let go of even less than desirable relationships, it's because you have a history with him and that he might be the only one around in your sights. These two factors will usually make people a bit hesitant to let go and really look at the reality.

So if you could realize that there are many more men out there who would be a better fit for you, then you should be able to quit this guy a bit easier.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by AFA

Also i have a few questions... i live in a dorm and I have guys and girls in my dorms. He says I should not make any friends with the guys becasue thats not how a girlfriend acts. He says I dont need guy friends and doesnt want me to go to a pool and wear a bikini without him and one time my phone stayed on on accident after I hung up and I was helping clean the dorms with guys and girls and there were like 5 of them and He got so mad becasue he said I was laughing with them which i was but they all have girls and its nothing like that.

My question is is he right on that kind of thing and also what Do i do with him. I try to cut it off and then he contacts me again and i fall back in love all over again. Help!!! Thank you if you actually read everything!

I pretty much agree with what everyone else says about your boyfriend. You're MUCH better off leaving him.

Now, as for the above... it is PERFECTLY okay for you to make friends with guys. If you are living in a dorm with guys and girls it would be nuts for you to avoid all the guys and never talk to them, joke with them etc. It's perfectly okay to have platonic relationships with BOTH genders!

As for a bikini...wear what you like. Sure other guys may look, but so what? It's what you DO that counts...and it sounds as if he's the only one who's ever done anything with another person outside the relationship, and thus he's being a huge douche expecting you to keep away from guys when it's obvious he can't keep away from girls (oh...and if he cheated once...it's more than possible he did it again...).

[MissChic]

OP, congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

Unfortunately, it seems that if you maintain a relationship with your BF, you will be sabotaging your future success and happiness. You need to cut him loose, though I understand that this is easier said than done.

By chance, was he your first serious relationship?

[dogstar]

Oh hunny, your move to Germany is the universe giving you an easy out. Please just recognize that the rest of the posters and your friends are seeing big red flags here. This is not the guy for you.

Hugs,
Dogstar

[AFA]

Thank you so much everyone. Today is the 2nd day I have not spoken to my ex. I have cut off complete contact and have never felt better. I still feel like I love him, but for what I do not know. I didn't post alot in my story about how are relationship was but since I know no one knows who I am here it goes. ....

I was abused in this relationship really bad. Hit a couple of times that were seemed to be "ACCIDENTS" and I was verbaly abused by him in so many ways. He actually told me one time "YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PERSON" and I cried and he said "Dont you wanna be a good person"... I know im a great person. I have always looked out for others. I have made mistakes in the relationship and I have not been perfect, but I didnt expect him to be either.


I had a miscarriage one day and while I was in the middle of it(we were fighting) i text him and told him im bleeding and i needed him he said"I'm busy, I'm with my friends.... : """"""( I feel so stupid!!!! Why did I go through all this? I feel like I am so young and I have so many issues now

One day while I was away from him... I was raped and I didnt talk to him or anyone for a week. When I told him what happened ( this was the hardest thing to do) I was shaking and telling him over the phone he said,... What the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!! How could you be so stupid and let this happen???? Whats wrong with you?? ( I have been emotionally scared by this and feel i will be for the rest of my life)


I spent over 400 for a plane ticket, went home and for new years spent 200 on food for a BBQ and woke up at 7 am to cook and clean his house and I was doing all this untill 9 at night and when he came home with his friends they brought drinks I kissed him at midnight and my friends showed up and I tried to look pretty and be so nice to his friends and cook such a good meal and I got angry because the whole night he was smoking with his friends(Barely paying attention to me) I woke up and cleaned the house while his friends and him were sleeping(my friends left in the night because they had to) and when his friends left He didnt tell me thank you not one time!!!!!!


I am so angry and I feel like I am so messed up in my head now. I always wanted to be the girl that my mans friends liked and who i supported through everything and This guy has made me so insecure and just feeling like Im a bad person i hate this!!! When will it get better???


Im so sorry for venting I know probably half the people did not read this but I just needed to vent.

[AFA]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

Looks like a lot of people gave you advice about this situation already: Please some real advice


Co-dependency. Look into it. You'll see yourself, and maybe you can start to take steps to change these things about yourself.


Get on the plane to Germany and stop sending him money, stop emailing him, stop talking to him. Meet someone else, or don't, but get far away and stay far away.

And for heaven's sake, stop telling yourself you "can't" get over him and you "need" him and so on. It's just emotions. You don't have to do what they tell you to do. Honestly, it's like someone saying they can't stop eating potato chips while sitting on the couch all day, or they can't stop smoking, or they can't stop pilfering money from their boss or they can't stop this or that habit.


People here are telling you that, as well. Are you listening now? Or are you just going to continue with your addiction to a loser?

NO im done with him for good. There is no going back to him no matter what!

[AFA]

Originally Posted by dogstar

Oh hunny, your move to Germany is the universe giving you an easy out. Please just recognize that the rest of the posters and your friends are seeing big red flags here. This is not the guy for you.

Hugs,
Dogstar

Thank you so much!!!! I know this now I just have to be strong! HUGS!!

[AFA]

Originally Posted by MissChic

OP, congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

Unfortunately, it seems that if you maintain a relationship with your BF, you will be sabotaging your future success and happiness. You need to cut him loose, though I understand that this is easier said than done.

By chance, was he your first serious relationship?

Yes he was my first serious. I am only 20 and I have been with him for 3 in a half years! I know hes wrong for me im threw with him. Thank you so much for replying!

[AFA]

Originally Posted by votoshka

I pretty much agree with what everyone else says about your boyfriend. You're MUCH better off leaving him.

Now, as for the above... it is PERFECTLY okay for you to make friends with guys. If you are living in a dorm with guys and girls it would be nuts for you to avoid all the guys and never talk to them, joke with them etc. It's perfectly okay to have platonic relationships with BOTH genders!

As for a bikini...wear what you like. Sure other guys may look, but so what? It's what you DO that counts...and it sounds as if he's the only one who's ever done anything with another person outside the relationship, and thus he's being a huge douche expecting you to keep away from guys when it's obvious he can't keep away from girls (oh...and if he cheated once...it's more than possible he did it again...).

Thank you... I didn't think anything was wrong with that. I have guy friends who are so chill and just want to be friends nothing more. I trust him and he cant even trust me even after he is the one who cheated!

[AFA]

Originally Posted by christianyethboth

From the down and out way he lives his life, the negative and disrespectful way he treats you (from what you've told us), what is it exactly that you find attractive about him in which you keep 'falling in love with him again'? (Being good looking doesn't count as being all round attractive in my book)

Are you afraid of meeting someone else better than him and letting him go because of the fear of him getting angry and losing it, or are you afraid of being alone?

I do not think it was either. I think it was the fear of letting him go and him being happier with someone else

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by AFA

NO im done with him for good. There is no going back to him no matter what!

Good. You're strong and smart, and you can kick the habit.