The friend that pissed you off! What to do?

[Fortius]

Ok so basically this is the idea. I have a very good friend, but the problem is that basically she gets pissed off at me for various reasons. For example, she asks something and I say something like: "So?", which from what she says feels like me cutting her off, overreacting basically (which I do sometimes, but this isn't it).

Now the real problem is what to do when she goes into this "mood"? I basically get pissed off because I think she gets mad at stupid situations a lot of the time. When I'm wrong I do realize it and when I calm down I do apologize. But what happens when I know it's basically her fault. I'm not trying to blame her, but it's idiotic that every time I have to be the one to make things right again. If I let things simmer, she starts crying and I can't take that... I feel stupid when I ignore this, but also when I find myself making things better afterwards...

It's not like we have any issues, she is a very smart girl, but sometimes she does get overly emotional - even for a girl. Am I missing something in this friendship or just overthinking?

[Lychee]

If this girl is giving you problems and her moods are illogical and irrational, try to explain to her calmly and with understanding exactly what you feel about her over-emotional nature. You cannot be the only person supporting the relationship. If she still doesn't change, you have to think about whether you want this person in your life as much as it hurts. Do you want to deal with the drama? Do you think she will change? She must be willing to listen to constructive criticism. But she may be so preoccupied with her own emotions that she doesn't see it, on top of what you may be feeling because of her emotions. I know it puts you in a tight spot since you don't want to hurt her, but you have to think about yourself and where the relationship is going.

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Fortius

Ok so basically this is the idea. I have a very good friend, but the problem is that basically she gets pissed off at me for various reasons. For example, she asks something and I say something like: "So?", which from what she says feels like me cutting her off, overreacting basically (which I do sometimes, but this isn't it).

Now the real problem is what to do when she goes into this "mood"? I basically get pissed off because I think she gets mad at stupid situations a lot of the time. When I'm wrong I do realize it and when I calm down I do apologize. But what happens when I know it's basically her fault. I'm not trying to blame her, but it's idiotic that every time I have to be the one to make things right again. If I let things simmer, she starts crying and I can't take that... I feel stupid when I ignore this, but also when I find myself making things better afterwards...

It's not like we have any issues, she is a very smart girl, but sometimes she does get overly emotional - even for a girl. Am I missing something in this friendship or just overthinking?

firstly, it's not for you to decide whether the situations she gets mad about are worth it or not. it's her emotions, and if you value her as a friend, discounting her with answers like "so?!?!" is pretty rude in my opinion. if i was upset about something, and one of my friends responded to my being upset with "so?!?" that person would not be my friend for long.

secondly, it sounds like she just might want to vent about things. many women, even "very smart overly emotional" ones (more on that later ), definitely have a difference from men in that sometimes we just want to vent about what's bugging us, as opposed to putting thinking caps on to solve the problem, as men typically prefer to do. sometimes the problem is out of our control, or we arent in a position to do anything about it, but it still affects us. hence, the vent.

if you are not someone who likes to listen to vents, maybe you can change the subject when she starts, or simply not spend so much time around her, or you can stop being her friend.

and honestly, saying that someone is "overly emotional - even for a girl" is bordering on sexism. i know men who are waaaaay more emotional than me. and i also know men who pretend to not have emotions to the point that the emotions consume their subconscious minds and make regular everyday life almost unlivable for them and the women who have the misfortune to love them.

so lay off the comments like that, buddy, or i'm about to get way more overly emotional.

[ken nubo]

Ignore, rather then distain.

[Love]

I agree with the venting. Some people do just want to let off steam. I, personally, can only handle so much. So when it gets to be too much, I "mmm-hmm" with the knowledge that this too shall pass, and my friend will go back to being happy again.

However, if your friend does this and you "mmm-hmm" your way out of it and this bothers you too much or your friend does not feel supported in this way, it's time to talk and say this is how I feel about x, y, z, how do you feel? What can we do about it? When you talk, you'll find out why one thing is important to one person and idiotic to another, and from that point you can start to make amends by simply realizing that you're different people and have different modes of operating.

[Benny2]

Acknowledge each other feelings,and example follows:

When she gets mad try saying the following:

I hear you.

I am sorry your mad.

I am here for you.


In so doing the following is conveyed:

You let her know that you are listening to her.

You let her know that anger hurts.

Then you let her know that you are willing to work with her to defuse the negative emotions.



Repect for each other is fundamental and should be unconditional.
Words like stupid, dumb and so on should never be part of ones vocbulary with anyone, especially a friend.

Peace
Benny2

[Zen Master]

Oh, the drama... I'd like to say a couple of words on that, but I'd rather refrain from giving advice to females this time around. It might piss you off.

Instead, I'll just say this - "Ignorance is bliss".

Use it wisely