How do you know if you are being too hard on a friend??

[bsitto]

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I have a question for all:

If a friend is there for you emotionally (long talks, advice, complete understanding mentally, motivated and go getter like me). BUT, they're not there for you physically (hanging out on the weekends, work out together, or just a person to spend time with when you are just plain bored and want some company). This person claims to be your best friend but you feel constantly let down especially during the weekends. Do you let this person move on from your life even though you click so well with them, better than with most?? Or do I have a right to up my standards to someone more willing to meet all my needs as a friend (emotionally and physically)??

Any feedback is appreciated!!

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by bsitto

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I have a question for all:

If a friend is there for you emotionally (long talks, advice, complete understanding mentally, motivated and go getter like me). BUT, they're not there for you physically (hanging out on the weekends, work out together, or just a person to spend time with when you are just plain bored and want some company). This person claims to be your best friend but you feel constantly let down especially during the weekends. Do you let this person move on from your life even though you click so well with them, better than with most?? Or do I have a right to up my standards to someone more willing to meet all my needs as a friend (emotionally and physically)??

Any feedback is appreciated!!

You have a good friend who is willing to share some parts of his life with you... but not others... and, I believe that it is his prerogative to do so...

A friend is not a wife or a life's mate... you gratefully accept what he is willing to give... and deal with it...

You need someone else to fulfill other needs... that is fine... go get those other friends... but... don't blow what that person has to offer...

Just my two cents worth... hope I have not offended you...

.

[InJoy]

I agree with Shamou. One friend does not have to be all things to be a good friend. Someone who is capable and willing to be there for you on an emotional level is a valuable asset in life. If I were in your shoes, I would take every moment I had with this friend as the blessing it is and be grateful that I have those times. I would also go out and find other friends to fill the other needs I had.

[bellbird]

Agree with Shamou and Injoy as well. I think it's a good idea if you are able to be happy within yourself. Having a dear friend, or even more, is a great bonus, but not essential to live your life well. Since emigrating I have met new people and only the best friends remained. I'm grateful for that, as I know that's likely some relationships fizzle out. That's normal. I always try to be a good friend myself. I am there for others but I do intend to live my own life. Demanding things from others to 'fill the gap', who listen to you so you can relieve your burdens etc doesn't seem like real friendship to me (everyone has a whinge now and again ). Ask yourself why you really need your friend. What friend are you to them? All the best.

[norbert]

Boy do I deeply resonate with that. I've been in the same situation for many many years. It was so hard. One time I stopped meeting him for a half year because of this. I wanted to make space for new friends in my life. Then my friend finished school, kinda lost those friends and we met again. He became totally different. Just what I always wanted him to be like. We shared 99% of our interests, goals and dreams so it was obvious that we go on together with our lives. We have decided to buy our homes next to each other so we can stay together; we'd spend 70% of our lives together anyways (business, making music, fun etc). We were doing that for a while, then he suddenly died in a car accident three and a half months ago and my life is a mess right now. I've been waiting for this for many years and now that I got it, it's lost. I think you can imagine how I feel.

The single piece of advice I'd give to you is to discuss with him how you feel (I kept talking to my other friends about our friendship and they still don't get it!). It wasn't easy for me either because these are rare feelings amongst friends. But once he got it (which took many years), it was amazing. You see, everybody tells you that you should have multiple friends instead. I don't buy into that. I don't want to believe that and I don't want to live like that. I know what it's like to have a single friend for everything and I can tell you this friendship has been the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

Respect each other and keep talking about your feelings to each other as well. It shouldn't be hard if you have the complete mental understanding already.

If you're still thinking about letting him go, imagine what life would be like without him. Could you spend your life with the rest of your friends instead? Not me. It's very hard to find valuable friendships. I'd stick to it.

Hope this makes sense.

Best Regards,
Norbert

P.S.: see my blog for related thoughts that I wish I thought about earlier. There's a bunch of them on the front page.