Knowing that My Ex had sex with someone else

[DoggyLady]

somehow, I got to know that my ex-boyfriend recently had sex with some girl (i don't think it's a girlfriend).

When I got to know about it, I didn't know what to think.

I still don't know what to think. my brain seems to be saying, "still cannot compute".

Intellectually, I know it's none of my business. since we have broken up.

but that's just a month ago.

We are still friends, and he has even sent me occassional sms. (i never initiated any communication). i think it would have bothered me less, if we have a clean up and no communication at all. but i don't know why he's still sending me sms. i think he's lonely.

i think i'm afraid that i have been just another of those friends that he have sex with.

i guess i wish that i mean a lot to him, and that i'm special to him. and in my egoistic mind, i wish that he still thinks of me and is not thinking of any other girl.

but of cos, i'm smart enough to know, that's just the egoistic wishful thinking.

i'm wondering what's the best way for me to approach this knowledge and be at peace with it.

maybe the feeling is "primal instinct behavior" and will go away eventually?

[Clint Cora]

Well think of it if it was the other way around. How should he react if he knew that YOU started having sex with a new man, whether a boyfriend or just a fling? How would you WANT him to react?

People are moving on with their lives. That's the reality of it.

[LisaDreams]

This is a tough place … frustrating and painful, especially because it can be so tempting to make assumptions about his intentions and feelings by projecting the intention or feeling you would have to do the same thing. You probably feel that if he really loved and valued you during your time together he would not have any sexual interest in other women so soon after that connection between you two ended, because that is the place you're in now. That's how you feel. You're basing your assessment of him on your reactions, feelings, etc. Maybe he just wanted to have sex and he can separate sex from being in love ... maybe he believes sex with someone else will help him move on ... maybe that is how he copes with pain or loneliness. There are so many possibilities.

At some point, you have to stop trying to figure out how much he cared about you, what you meant to him, etc. and accept the situation as it is right now. I know it is so tempting to want to figure it all out, but I'm guessing that if all of this were knowable and clearly understood you likely wouldn't have had some of the issues that ended the relationship. Maybe you felt special to him during specific times when you were with him, but I'm guessing you questioned how important you were to him even when you were in an active relationship.

My suggestion regarding what to do with the info ... acknowledge it and mentally move on from it. When your mind goes to it, remind yourself you aren't together anymore and that whatever love you felt was real and that this is someone you aren't with anymore. What he does or doesn't do with anyone else no longer impacts you and isn't relevant to the relationship you had with him.

It can be hard to mentally walk away, but fixating on it and treating it like a puzzle to be figured out doesn't help you move on with your life. It keeps you stuck. It's tempting to use personal development as a reason to allow yourself to focus on it. It's like maybe there's some morsel of self-discovery that can justify the energy spent. In any case, I urge you to focus less on him and more on you. If there is anything left to be learned from the relationship, it's more likely going to come to you by looking at your own feelings, fears and behaviors and not his.

It's hard to be in this place. Be well.

Lisa

[Fred Tracy]

I like how you put it. I think it's mostly to do with primal instinct behavior. Although it's no fun, there isn't any "real" reason why you should be upset, which I think you recognize by labeling it as egoistic.

If you think you'll end up as just one of his sex partners and you don't want that, and I wouldn't communicate with him at all. On the other hand, if you're looking to make it work with him – maybe as just a friend – then try this.

Whenever you feel that jealousy or hurt, try to become very present. If you don't know what I'm talking about, and look into The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle.

Essentially, watch your emotions flow without obstructing them are judging them. Every time you get in an unconscious reaction that you don't want, do this process. Eventually you'll be free of your innate reactions and be able to act from a place of more freedom.

Before I started reading that book and putting it into practice, I would become extremely jealous at certain things. Eventually, my emotions have smoothed over a lot. When I encounter something that before would have provoked a big reaction, all still have a tinge of the same thing going on, but unable to "catch" it before it snowballs out of control.

Of course, if it all sounds like something you don't want, then I'd recommend simply staying away from it.

Hope that helps.

[Jocelyn]

Personally I think we all have a grieving period for any loss of relationship. Whether it's grieving what you actually had, or what you had imagined you had, or what you desire. Let yourself grieve and then move on!

I feel our egos do get in the way of letting go and embracing that our ex's may be meant for someone else and that we should be happy for them. That doesn't mean they make the best or wise decisions when they move one. But things always happen for a reason.