[ADULT] effectively communicating sexual intent?

[Rezzy7]

In the past when I'd meet someone it's been up to the fates, luck, or the girl chasing me, that decided if anything progresses romantically or sexually. But those ways don't allow me any say in the matter (save for if I decline), and meanwhile a lot of time can go by.

I think it's partly from not conveying interest well, or somehow doing so in a way that's a turn-off (like showing too much interest). From what I have gleaned touch is important, and also the flavor of flirting. I understand the touch part, but maybe not the flirting, especially when it becomes more sexual. I've just never been in enough situations to piece it all together by trial and error.

I guess there's a way to gauge what is acceptable conversation to her, but maybe I haven't learned this. Everyone's different. How do you know what is effective and acceptable?

[Guru1984]

Do what you want to do and say what you want to say! Sounds easy? Well, most people actually aren't doing that.

It's all about finding out what you want to do...So, you are for example starting conversation with a cute girl...See what you want to do in that situation? Do you want to talk about weather? Her ex boyfriend? Some TV show? Or you maybe want to get to know her better, and then you would say something like...You are cute, and I want to get to know you better, give me a phone number so we could stay in touch...If she refuses , what would you want to do next? Would you want to stay in the conversation with the person that doesn't want to get to know you better? Would you want to beg for a phone number? Or would you say okay, have a nice time and walk away.

Ask yourself always, "what do I want to do now!", 'cause in the end, that's the only thing you can control. You'll never know what any women, or guy for that matter wants to do or thinks, but you do know what you want to do, so do that!

And about escalation...If you want to hug some girl, then do that. If you see that she is uncomfortable, then why would you want to keep doing that? So, of course, stop...I'll repeat one last time...do what you want

[VinceG]

Short and simple. Grab her by the neck and tongue her down. Gently. It's always better to make it physical by doing something physical. Nothing's more tacky than the guy who talks his way out of bed with women. Just shut up, look in her eyes, and make a move.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Short and simple. Grab her by the neck and tongue her down. Gently. It's always better to make it physical by doing something physical. Nothing's more tacky than the guy who talks his way out of bed with women. Just shut up, look in her eyes, and make a move.

That sounds pretty hot to me right now. lol But not sure how well it'd work in reality... I've never had a kiss I really enjoyed.

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

That sounds pretty hot to me right now. lol But not sure how well it'd work in reality... I've never had a kiss I really enjoyed.

You've never kissed me.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Guru1984

Do what you want to do and say what you want to say! Sounds easy? Well, most people actually aren't doing that.

I think I don't know what my choices are. Meaning, other than talking of weather and her ex. For situations I'm rarely in sometimes I need examples, and that gives me ideas of what I want.

Or would you say okay, have a nice time and walk away.

I wouldn't want to stick around, but if it's a date I'd maybe wind things up, not just walk away like that.

Originally Posted by VinceG

Gently.

The grabbing or the tounguing?
If you can just walk up to someone and do that, good on ya. For me, there's probably talking involved, and all I really know is it can't be uh, sterile.

It's always better to make it physical by doing something physical.

I agree, but do you do that without talking? Not at a club, at like, Starbucks?

Nothing's more tacky than the guy who talks his way out of bed with women.

Nothing? Really? I know what you mean, though. That goes back to the threads about asking permission before a kiss, or whatnot.

[Brutha]

I guess there's a way to gauge what is acceptable conversation to her, but maybe I haven't learned this. Everyone's different. How do you know what is effective and acceptable?

Communicating sexual intent is about risking rejection.
If you focus on the fear of rejection you probably have a vibe that isn't sexy.

If you have the right vibe inside yourself the other stuff falls into place. If you don't have the right vibe inside yourself it's very hard to communicate sexual interest by following some recipe.

Do you have a memory of an experience where you were in flow while you interacted with a girl and everything went well?

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Brutha

If you focus on the fear of rejection you probably have a vibe that isn't sexy.

Well, I'm not focused on rejection, but it's challenging to come to the right vibe based on what I know up to this point via trial and error.

Do you have a memory of an experience where you were in flow while you interacted with a girl and everything went well?

Yes, but mostly as said at the top, those times were more a result of serendipity than of my own choices and "moves" or whatever.

[Rezzy7]

Now I'm wondering how much of this so-called "vibe" has to do with one's own sexual intensity, or that of the other person as swell. As in, if it's an actual energy the other person can sense and respond to or not.

Is that a thing?

[Oceans]

• Talk about sex/ual things (attention & openness)
• Use pauses while talking (awareness)
• Eye contact (awareness)
• Look at lips (attention)
• Use Vince's idea (action)
• If it's gonna happen, it will (non resistance)
• Playfulness (non resistance)

[laughingmatter]

When I was younger I used to try to get her to visualize something sexual with me in a playful way and see her reaction...

eg.
I just noticed that have got delicious looking lips. I wanna throw you up against the wall, press my body against yours... Its too bad we just met and I am not that type of guy. (*smirk*)

As she thinks about the scenario you are describing, observe her reaction, its pretty easy to tell if she is into you.

If its a positive reaction then 2 minutes later look into her eyes, and actually do the thing you described. Your excuse is that she was too hot and you couldn't wait. She is such a bad influence. haha

Of course eventually you don't need to do this as you learn to read women better, but this was not something I was naturally good at.

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

How do you know what is effective and acceptable?

Originally Posted by VinceG

It's always better to make it physical by doing something physical.

Regarding effectiveness, I agree with Vince. Do something. Talking can be clumsy and ambiguous.

Regarding acceptable, I think if you do what is comfortable for you, it will be okay. If she's into you, then she'll respond with enthusiasm. If she's not, she'll pull away, but probably won't be offended. You seem like a gentle enough person (since you're concerned) and if your intention is gentle she'll most likely know that.

Lisa

[Rezzy7]

Thanks Oceans for stating it so simply! I guess I'm doing many of those things anyway.

Originally Posted by laughingmatter

Of course eventually you don't need to do this as you learn to read women better,

Well, here's to eventually! Thanks.

Originally Posted by LisaDreams

Regarding acceptable, I think if you do what is comfortable for you, it will be okay. If she's into you, then she'll respond with enthusiasm. If she's not, she'll pull away, but probably won't be offended. You seem like a gentle enough person (since you're concerned) and if your intention is gentle she'll most likely know that.

Thanks, your point about me being comfortable and basically her following my lead in that sense, makes, well...sense.

The other part confuses me. How is what Vince suggested gentle?

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

The other part confuses me. How is what Vince suggested gentle?

LOL!! Notice I only quoted the part about doing something physical. "It's always better to make it physical by doing something physical." That whole neck grab thing didn't feel so good to me so I left that off. I don't think I'd ever want my neck grabbed and especially not as a first move. Looking in to her eyes is excellent though. Also moving very close into her space can be pretty fantastic. There is something very exciting about that, especially if I'm leaning against a counter or wall or something. If she doesn't like it she will move away and if she stays or moves closer or touches you that's a great sign for you to touch her or kiss her.

Lisa

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by LisaDreams

LOL!! Notice I only quoted the part about doing something physical.

lol, ok I should've realized that.

Looking in to her eyes is excellent though. Also moving very close into her space can be pretty fantastic. There is something very exciting about that, especially if I'm leaning against a counter or wall or something. If she doesn't like it she will move away

I have to remember to use better eye contact, cuz I know that can be good. Lol, Lisa...if you're leaning against something and you want to move away you're almost trapped! I remember a recent "girl encounter," I was in her personal bubble a lot, or she was in mine, too, and it seemed pretty electric. Useful.

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Lisa...if you're leaning against something and you want to move away you're almost trapped! I remember a recent "girl encounter," I was in her personal bubble a lot, or she was in mine, too, and it seemed pretty electric. Useful.

Well kinda. LOL!! But that's part of it. It's not about making her feel held hostage, but I think you know what I mean.

[WarrenG]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Communicating sexual intent is about risking rejection.
If you focus on the fear of rejection you probably have a vibe that isn't sexy.

This is so true. I think you (Rezzy) are hiding behind the "acceptable" thing because you're worried about rejection.

A friend and I accidentally went into a gay bar once, and, yeah, the interactions made us uncomfortable. But only because their intentions were obvious, and we aren't interested in dudes.

It's acceptable to make someone 'uncomfortable' in the sense that they know your intentions and aren't interested. If these guys had a 'normal', or by your definition 'acceptable' interaction with us, we wouldn't have been uncomfortable, but also they wouldn't have known that they didn't have a chance, and they'd waste their time.

Think about it this way, if a gay dude talked to you the way you talk to girls, would you be like "This dude's hitting on me!" or would you be like "Oh, a friendly guy"?

So there's your solution - make straight guys uncomfortable! (well not really, but you get what I mean).

[Brutha]

Yes, but mostly as said at the top, those times were more a result of serendipity than of my own choices and "moves" or whatever.

Let us try something. It's NLP and I don't know how well it works via text.

If you remember that experience, how does the memory look like?
Is the picture clear? Is it in color or black and white?
Is the picture in first or third person?
Are their sounds in the memory?
Can you feel the emotion of the memory somewhere in your body?

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by WarrenG

So there's your solution - make straight guys uncomfortable! (well not really, but you get what I mean).

OMG WarrenG that was all confusing in text! I think I know what you mean, your actually saying let them feel uncomfortable by letting them know my intent?

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Let us try something. It's NLP and I don't know how well it works via text.

If you remember that experience, how does the memory look like?
Is the picture clear? Is it in color or black and white?
Is the picture in first or third person?
Are their sounds in the memory?
Can you feel the emotion of the memory somewhere in your body?

I don't know, either but I'll play.

Looks like a girl being the aggressor; clear; color;1st person. No sounds except there was talking (don't remember the words). Emotion was between ambivalence and intrigue, no particular body zone, maybe belly.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by VinceG

You've never kissed me.

I have. It was okay.

To be fair, once you've gone gay for Dick Valentine of Electric Six, you don't go gay for anyone else.

FIRE IN THE DISCO! FIRE IN THE DISCO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!

[GeorgePH]

What you want to do is learn how to escalate properly. Escalation = moving a date (or whatever it is you're doing together with a girl) into the right (sexual) direction. There are 2 main ways to do it:

1) Touching - when you want to let a girl know what's up and move the date (or whatever) into a sexual phase, touch her more and start moving in closer as you talk. Make the physical aspect of the date more intimate.
2) Talking - you start moving your conversation into a more sexual direction. What you say really depends on the girl and your own confidence level. An example would be something like, "Wow, that dress looks really tight.. We should get you out of it as soon as possible ". It's a little weird if you escalate through talking with a straight face, you have to be flirty with it.

Both ways to escalate are difficult to explain, and sometimes the frame of a date will turn sexual on its own. But the best thing you can do is practice, practice, practice.

I had a huge escalation problem back in the day, and a friend told me: "Come on twice as hard as you think you should and scale back from there." That's exactly what I did. I went on about 5 dates where I held the girls' hands from start to finish and touched them constantly.. That's how long it took me to figure out what an acceptable level of touching is.

That's the most effective advice I can give you, too.

May the force be with you!

[Brutha]

I think I know what you mean, your actually saying let them feel uncomfortable by letting them know my intent?

If a girl doesn't like to be in a relationship with you than you will make her a bit uncomfortable by communicating sexual intent.

You won't know before you try.

Looks like a girl being the aggressor; clear; color;1st person. No sounds except there was talking (don't remember the words). Emotion was between ambivalence and intrigue, no particular body zone, maybe belly.

Ambivalence wasn't what I was looking for. Do you have one where you felt desire or something similar?

[vytas80]

Here is a good rant about sexual escalation. Written by a woman. Already posted in this forum some time before, but still a good insight.

Just f.....g f..k me already

lo mejor de craigslist: Just ♥♥♥♥ing ♥♥♥♥ me, already.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Cado

I have. It was okay.

lol.

Originally Posted by GeorgePH

What you want to do is learn how to escalate properly.

Yeah, I think I understand "escalating" physically, and it comes way more natch than the talky part.

"Come on twice as hard as you think you should and scale back from there."

I'm starting to do this but have to remind myself, because from younger days my habit was to scale back from the start, some of that persists.

Originally Posted by Brutha

Ambivalence wasn't what I was looking for. Do you have one where you felt desire or something similar?

There's always desire, but in the encounters you're asking about, my interest and confidence came later since it was the girl who was seeking me out initially. In other words, not someone I initially noticed.

Originally Posted by vytas80

Here is a good rant about sexual escalation. Written by a woman.

Thanks for the link. Entertaining and looks like she's writing about a later stage, once there's already sex happening. I guess you're saying the point the writer makes applies to this, too.

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Yeah, I think I understand "escalating" physically, and it comes way more natch than the talky part.

Then I think you already know what to do. Are you wondering how to figure out if a woman is attracted to you and you want to know that before you do anything physical?

Regarding the "talky part", flirty talk can be fun if it feels natural and spontaneous, but it isn't necessary to move a relationship along sexually. Just talk and get to know her and share yourself and convey the sexual interest with the way you look at her, compliment her, stand close to her, hold her hand, etc. Just keep getting more and more physical with her. If she is interested in you, she'll respond and start to do more of that too.

Compliments can be useful in conveying interest. I prefer ones that are simple, specific and not too aggressive. Here are two examples that come to mind, perhaps you can guess which one I enjoyed and which one made me want the guy to go away:

"Your eyes are really beautiful."
"You have great t!ts, you could work in a t!tty bar."

I only kept talking to one of these guys. LOL!!!

Lisa

[VinceG]

Originally Posted by LisaDreams

"You have great t!ts, you could work in a t!tty bar."

Haha, I want to try this one, just to see the reaction! "Love your tits, I could get you a job at the Pony, you game?" (The Pony is a famous nearby strip club)

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by VinceG

Haha, I want to try this one, just to see the reaction! "Love your tits, I could get you a job at the Pony, you game?" (The Pony is a famous nearby strip club)

LOL!!! He even started to get kind of serious when he was telling me about the kind of money I could make. There are lots of variations on this one. The funniest one that comes to mind was a guy that came up to me, and literally the first thing he said (didn't say "hi" or anything) was this: "hey, that is one nice t!t." My friend looked at me and said "what? doesn't he like both of them?" We both laughed so hard he just sort of walked away.

I now return you to intent of this thread.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by LisaDreams

Then I think you already know what to do.

Maybe so.

If she is interested in you, she'll respond and start to do more of that too.

I think this is the part that missing from the equation, which, IMO, is a required component of fully understanding whether I know what to do or not. Not sure if I'm explaining clearly.

"You have great t!ts, you could work in a t!tty bar."

Originally Posted by LisaDreams

and literally the first thing he said (didn't say "hi" or anything) was this: "hey, that is one nice t!t." My friend looked at me and said "what? doesn't he like both of them?" We both laughed so hard he just sort of walked away.

I always forget, and thanks for the reminder, that my lamest moments could never compare to the moronicy some guys express around women!

[LisaDreams]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

I think this is the part that missing from the equation, which, IMO, is a required component of fully understanding whether I know what to do or not. Not sure if I'm explaining clearly.

One thing that is confusing to me is I am unclear about the context and the context makes a difference. Are you walking up to a woman you have never met or approaching a woman you already know? Is this someone you have an ongoing interaction with and so you're already friendly, but you'd like to make it more than that? Are you talking about what you are doing on a first date or something else?