I am hurting, what to do?

[Kaie]

I probably should have known that to get back together with my son's bio father wasn't a good idea. I had my reasons and one of them was that I loved him. Well, he just left me. Cold and calculating, he gathered his things, packed his truck, finished some work he was doing for my parents, and then came home and had a "talk" with me where he basically told me that I wasn't what he expected and he was leaving. Well, I correct.He told me that he hadn't planned on leaving until I got upset (fittingly) and then he blamed me.

He took absolutely no responsibility for his part in the relationship. Things were going greaat, I thought. But apparantly he had been thinking about this for a while and was planning an escape where he could blame me.

He doesn't think he should pay child support, because it was my "choice" to have his kid. He thinks that because I had family and friend support, that he was off the hook. I didn't go after him because I couldn't find him, and also I just decided that I would let things lie (stupid, I know now)

I am so upset that I don't know if I will be able to sleep. There is no one irl to talk to as it is late here.

I don't want to be a whiner, but I make it a point to take responsibility for my part in things and it hurts and angers me when others can't do the same. I know we aren't meant to be if he can't see that.

I think what hurts the most is the shock, and the cold, calculating measures that he took.

[OptimistPrime]

Is there anything I can do to help you, or do you just need someone to listen?

[Kaie]

I think I just need a friend. I am feeling such frustration and I feel betrayed because of the way he did it.

I can't even change my facebook because my son will see, and it will devastate both of my kids, who really liked him. I just don't know ahat to do with myself.

I will be okay, sometimes it helps to get it out.

[ZephyrusX]

*e-hugs*

How are your kids? I take it he must have re-entered their lives and now he is leaving them again? How are they doing? Or do they know yet?

[Kaie]

They don't know yet, but my son is going to be devastated. He is at a pivotal point in his development (16) and my daughter loved him. He used to build her fires to make smores and she went out of her way to tell my mother that she loved him. I feel worse about that than anything else. My kids.

[ZephyrusX]

Does he plan on visiting them at least? I imagine your son will be angry to have him re-enter his life and then leave again.

*scratches head* I'm sort of walking in the dark here because you sound like you want to talk, but I don't have the slightest idea what to say.

I'm sorry you're in pain and I hope everything works out well for your family.

Originally Posted by Kaie

They don't know yet, but my son is going to be devastated. He is at a pivotal point in his development (16) and my daughter loved him. He used to build her fires to make smores and she went out of her way to tell my mother that she loved him. I feel worse about that than anything else. My kids.

[SireneB]

Hugs and sympathies. Tough, especially with kids.
What I would do (although not sure it is the best thing) would be to focus on the kids, at least in the short term - putting your own stuff aside as best as you can, and take it out to deal with it later. To me, the kids have to come first. I'd just be very matter of fact - your dad decided to leave, it wasn't your fault, sometimes adults don't make good decisions, etc - no emotions, no blaming because the kids will tend to internalize that more.

Good luck with this, can see how it would be devastating all the way around. Just remember, he's the one who is losing out the most.

[Kaie]

Right, focus goes on the kids. My daughter will be devastated when she awakens. My son, i don;t know... He will likely never see him again. I am sad about that, and angry.

[SireneB]

You don't know what will happen in the future, so just focus on the present. My daughter's father has been in and out of her life several times, by now she knows she can never rely on him, and can only take from him what he is willing to give. She learned this herself and it's not a negative thing for her so much as a "how the world works" kind of thing.

I guess what I'm saying, is when talking to the kids, you might want to be aware of not mixing your stuff up with theirs, if that makes sense.

If you can enlist other family members to take a similar (non-emotional, non-blaming) approach, it will probably be helpful.

And in the not too distant future, you'll probably want to rely on your friend and family support to help with the kids while you take some time for yourself. The 16-year-old will likely need more attention than might be expected.

Again, ((hugs)). You and they will get through this, and be stronger for the experience.

[JSB]

Originally Posted by Kaie

He doesn't think he should pay child support, because it was my "choice" to have his kid. He thinks that because I had family and friend support, that he was off the hook.

It doesn't matter what he thinks about this; it matters what the judge thinks.

I am sorry you are in this difficult and painful situation.

[girlseekingwings]

Your a strong woman--with help & support you'll rise above it. If your looking for someone to vent to, don't be shy!

[Criseyde]

Wow... wow wow wow. I am sorry.

[awdye]

I just read some really wise words that I think go wonderfully here.

"It doesn’t have to be painful, we can embrace where we are on the path, and relax into acceptance."

My first response is typically pain when my hopes don't meet reality. My hope frequently overrides my intuition. I don't know how many times I have to experience that lesson.

It gets hard to remember that everything is good, but my ego wants to embrace the "injustice".

Accept the sadness. Teach your children. Let them teach you. Embrace joy, peace, and freedom.

[votoshka]

So sorry to hear this

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you get together with him after breaking up with your daughter's father?? (I know you said something in another thread about getting to know the biological father of your other child).

Because wow...that will be so hard on the kids, having another complete shake up in their family! It will also cause trust issues, and those are very hard to repair! Did he ever pay any child support for your son before?

Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about this new development. I hope you can be strong for yourself and the kids!