Listening skills

[FormerSkeptic]

My listening skills really suck.
I'm way too much into my head. I'm super rational/analytical/nerdy type guy...
When the topic is interesting to me, I'm in the zone and have no problems.
But when making small talk or whatever sometimes I don't even hear the other person, literally the words enter one ear and go out to other one. I don't remember what she said even though I was holding eye contact... So when they stop talking, it gets really awkward , I usually say something like "aha" while moving my head like an idiot.

If you know some exercise to improve my listening skills, or have some tips, please reply. Thanks in advance.

[Lynn 007]

Hi FormerSkeptic

Did you say something? jk

I would highly recommend joining Toastmasters. Although it is known as a speaking/leadership club it also focus on the importance of listening.

You could also challenge yourself. The next time you meet someone who you talk to on a regular basis; try to remember one thing they said. When you see them again ask them about the one thing you remembered. This allows you to practice your listening skills and lets people know you care enough to listen to them.

Remember, everyone has a story of how they became the person they are today. Some of them may not be as interesting or exciting as others but their story and we can learn alot from them by just listening.

[FormerSkeptic]

Toastmaster? Sorry I'm not from America.

I think you got me wrong - I don't have problems remembering the conversations. It's just, I'm like fake-listening: holding eye contact and moving my head pretending I'm listening and I actually hear the other person but I don't remember anything when she stops talking! Hilarious. This usually happens when I'm not interested in the topic or just have something on my mind.

I have no problems communicating when the topic is important or interesting or when I'm in mood to communicate (rarely).

My communication skills really suck. I spend too much time in solitude and to be honest, I don't really enjoy communicating all that much.
I read somewhere that great communicators get out of their head and focus on other person, actively listening etc. How do I do that? Just by practicing a lot and making an effort to try my best every time I communicate?

[Merr]

I find that visualisation can help with some things, e.g. seeing in your mind's eye what the person is talking about. Also, focus on making your mind 'still' as a big problem with listening is wandering off or focusing on what you are about to say next.

[Clint Cora]

Toastmasters is worldwide so there's a good chance that they might be operating in your area - check their website to make sure. In Toastmasters, one of the things they do at meetings is have you listen to speakers and then you have to evaluate them. This is what really develops your listening skills because if you are not listening, you are not going to be able to do a good verbal evaluation.

Other exercises you can try is just have conversations with your friends or relatives and make a point of repeating what they said. Then at the end of the conversation (or a brief verbal report or story they talk about), you verbally summarize what they said. Have them rate you in terms of accuracy. This will also really test your listening skills.

It's a great thing that you have identified this communications weakness in yourself because it is a fairly important skill to develop if you want to be successful in both career and in social life.

[Lifeisamazing]

I'm struggling with the same issue. While I think it's great that you want to get better at listening to people even when the conversation is "small talk," I'm choosing a different route though. The thing is, if the small talk lasts for a relatively short period of time, I'm able to keep my listening focus. If it gets longer, I lose my ability. I don't really want small talk conversations, I want purposeful deep conversations. That's why my friends are intelligent and deep conversationalists. When I meet people who lose interest in one topic quickly, I generally lose interest in them as well.

[Brutha]

I read somewhere that great communicators get out of their head and focus on other person, actively listening etc. How do I do that? Just by practicing a lot and making an effort to try my best every time I communicate?

When a conversation flows really well there little effort or trying involved.

It's just, I'm like fake-listening: holding eye contact and moving my head pretending I'm listening and I actually hear the other person but I don't remember anything when she stops talking! Hilarious.

Yes, it is. Stop it. Don't try to force thing but allow the conversation to develop naturally.
Then practice. Put yourself into a lot of situations where you have to have conversations.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by Lifeisamazing

The thing is, if the small talk lasts for a relatively short period of time, I'm able to keep my listening focus. If it gets longer, I lose my ability. I don't really want small talk conversations, I want purposeful deep conversations.

I'm not keen when small talk continues for too long either. That said, I often get bored when people continue with a topic when to my mind it's dead. I used to have one friend who would go on and on about things and then would admit he waffled or would apologise for rambling. In his case, he knew he was doing it, but continued anyway. Why?!?

[Lifeisamazing]

Originally Posted by Merr

I'm not keen when small talk continues for too long either. That said, I often get bored when people continue with a topic when to my mind it's dead. I used to have one friend who would go on and on about things and then would admit he waffled or would apologise for rambling. In his case, he knew he was doing it, but continued anyway. Why?!?

Yeah, absolutely. I love deep conversations, but not when the same thing gets repeated. Unfortunately that happens when people don't have a lot of material. This is why I think you really can't have a deep conversation about any thing but about the thing. This means that I believe that generally you discuss your number one passion deeply with another person whose passion that is too.

[James81]

You keep saying "she," so part of me wonders if you have somebody in mind while you are posting this?

Maybe you don't have a problem with listening. Maybe you keep choosing to have a conversation with somebody with whom you have little in common or you don't really have a good connection with.

[awdye]

"The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction" by Rebecca Shafir

Been a while since I read it, but I seem to recall it being helpful. If nothing else, it will reinforce your desire to be a better listener.

[IEvo]

You mentioned you're a nerdy/analytical type guy. I also noticed you keep saying 'she'. I used to have this problem in high school all the time. A girl would be interested, and initiate small talk and I would do exactly what you described. I heard what she said, nodded, agreed and then added nothing.

Why? Because it was boring. And usually, it didn't matter. The few people I did carry on genuine conversations with were intelligent individuals who talked about interesting things. Listening is an important skill, don't get me wrong, but keep in mind that you may just need to talk to someone more on your level.

I thought I was socially stunted until I realized I was just talking to people in a completely different paradigm when it came to life.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by IEvo

Why? Because it was boring. And usually, it didn't matter. The few people I did carry on genuine conversations with were intelligent individuals who talked about interesting things. Listening is an important skill, don't get me wrong, but keep in mind that you may just need to talk to someone more on your level.

I thought I was socially stunted until I realized I was just talking to people in a completely different paradigm when it came to life.

I think some people don't know how to talk a conversation beyond small talk. For example, if they don't know of something they have in common with you, don't feel at ease around you or don't have time for a long conversation. Therefore, I would be cautious in assuming that people are not on your level just because the conversation never gets past small talk. After all, in all likelihood, some of them find the conversatiion equally unstimulating and may face some of the same problems.

[IEvo]

That's a good point. I suppose saying that being 'on my level' presumes that I am somehow more advanced in some way; but when I think about it, I don't think that's necessarily the case.

As you said, there are various reasons a conversation never progresses beyond small talk, but I find that it usually (Beyond obvious reasons like time constraints.) has to do with having a different life-view. Stick a top paid executive in a room with an impovershed child from a 5th world country and they're probably not going to do a lot of talking-- they have no way to relate to each other. Their worlds are completely different.

While that example is extreme, it illustrates my point: Sometimes co-workers, peers, or people you meet on the bus are people whose lives are so drastically different from yours, despite their proximity to you, that you find you have little to talk about.

It's not always that you're just not on the same level, but as I said in my previous post; it's something to consider other than a simple lack of listening skills. In my experience, usually the reason you're not listening is because you're not interested, not because you suck at listening.

[awdye]

Learn to be curious about the other person's world. Find clues to similarities. Ask questions to help comprehend differences.

Imagine how your perspective might be different if you accepted a different set of beliefs, experienced situations differently.

It's how we become intimate. Learn. Teach.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by awdye

Learn to be curious about the other person's world. Find clues to similarities. Ask questions to help comprehend differences.

Imagine how your perspective might be different if you accepted a different set of beliefs, experienced situations differently.

It's how we become intimate. Learn. Teach.

Great point. Even if people's lives are very different in terms of outlook, experience, etc, making the effort can lead to further personal development. Sometimes I think if you dig deeper then you can actually find things that you have in common. I think this leads to a bigger question though... how to direct conversations away from banal 'small talk' towards stimulating discussions that make us want to listen? As I think IEvo has a good point in saying that quite often people are not necessarily poor listeners, but just need to find something interesting to make them want to listen.

[awdye]

Originally Posted by Merr

how to direct conversations away from banal 'small talk' towards stimulating discussions that make us want to listen? As I think IEvo has a good point in saying that quite often people are not necessarily poor listeners, but just need to find something interesting to make them want to listen.

I think he does have a good point, but it's looking at excuses, not a solution. It goes back to the OP. How can I improve my listening skills?

I guess it depends on how you want to define "poor vs. good". I'd say it would take more effort to continue listening to a conversation you find boring, than an interesting one. In that aspect, a "better" listener would be the one that can stay engaged. This is where you can practice the skills that would help make the connection interesting.

I think part of being an engaging conversationalist, half of which is listening, might be to also prompt the speaker for more information.

How to make it more interesting? Take a share in the responsibility. Ask questions. Extend opinions. Probe for common interests. Share.

I think most of us stop very quickly in a conversation, if we don't immediately hit on a common interest. Run into an awkward silence. Maybe one of the best ways is to not give up so quickly.

If we want to become a good listener, we ultimately need to be able to become curious about what's going on in someone else head. If we decide to judge their chosen topic as "boring" and are unwilling to come out of our cramped little ego shell, there's no chance for anything other than an auto-pilot banal chit-chat.