About praise...

[eali]

Do you think honest verbal praise is a good way to build someone's self-esteem? What's the best way of going about it?

[LunInSpectra]

Originally Posted by eali

Do you think honest verbal praise is a good way to build someone's self-esteem? What's the best way of going about it?

The best way, I believe, is to identify what really matters.

For example, my little brother and I are both aspiring bodybuilders. He's not as strong as I am yet. Some bodybuilders use how much weight they lift as a measure of manliness. I could say, "psh, you only bench 115x7 -- that's nothing". Or I could say, "push that 115 as hard as you ****ing can and you'll be amazing". In other words, I'm admiring the work in progress and not the work.

[Merr]

In my experience, the best way to build another's self esteem is to do it in incremental steps. Also, I think that they have to be encouraged to do things which will make them feel better about themselves too, rather than just give praise verbally. Sort of the whole 'give a man a fish, feed him for a day, give him the fishing equipment... he can feed himself for life' sort of thing.

To give you an example, I had a student who came to me thinking that he would fail. He was in a very bad position and I wasn't going to tell him an outright lie and say 'you will pass'. However, we did work together and I made suggestions of things he could do himself which would improve his progress. We worked extensively on his study skills, rather than just on his actual knowledge.

As a result of his changed practices, I saw improvements, so gently informed him of them as I noticed them, e.g. 'you're really getting this now', 'you're doing so much better', etc, etc. The key is to only say things that you really believe deep down, as having someone believe in another person makes that person believe that, 'hey you know what, I think I can believe in myself too?'

I would suggest to be careful about how much honest verbal praise is given though. If it is given too much, the other person who has self-esteem will soon doubt the sincerity of it.

[Brutha]

The best praise is honest, believable by the recipient and is about something that the recipient controls.

[The Cloud]

Katt Williams: "B***h, it's called SELF-esteem. It's the esteem of your motherf**king self."

You can't give someone else self-esteem, because then it would be eali-esteem. Praise someone because you think they deserve praise; if you can't do it without an ulterior motive, then it's not necessary to do it at all.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Katt Williams: "B***h, it's called SELF-esteem. It's the esteem of your motherf**king self."

Lol, a very vivid retelling. I can hear him in my head even through text.

I think you can use Pygmalion effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia to positive effect. I think if you praise someone or give them a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, the key is consistency. They will tend to act in accordance with your beliefs about them at least around you.

[eali]

Originally Posted by LunInSpectra

In other words, I'm admiring the work in progress and not the work.

That's some neat advice, thanks. I guess admiring the effort is better than admiring some inherent quality about a person.

[eali]

Originally Posted by Merr

As a result of his changed practices, I saw improvements, so gently informed him of them as I noticed them, e.g. 'you're really getting this now', 'you're doing so much better', etc, etc. The key is to only say things that you really believe deep down, as having someone believe in another person makes that person believe that, 'hey you know what, I think I can believe in myself too?'

It is indeed about a friend who might be having trouble studying for an exam, and in being confident of her ability. Yep, it is true I shouldn't tell her a lie, but I do deeply believe that she has what it takes. I'm trying to be positive and supportive and I don't know the best way to do it. Thanks for your reply, do you happen to work in that domain?

[eali]

Originally Posted by Brutha

The best praise is honest, believable by the recipient and is about something that the recipient controls.

Hmm, I cannot necessarily disagree, but shouldn't I be trying to be supportive without waiting for the other party to ask. The thing is, I'm just trying to positive towards her (and others), but I don't know what's the best way. Thanks.

[eali]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Katt Williams: "B***h, it's called SELF-esteem. It's the esteem of your motherf**king self."

You can't give someone else self-esteem, because then it would be eali-esteem. Praise someone because you think they deserve praise; if you can't do it without an ulterior motive, then it's not necessary to do it at all.

Like the quote. The ulterior motive is to basically be supportive, why not?

[eali]

Originally Posted by taylor

Lol, a very vivid retelling. I can hear him in my head even through text.

I think you can use Pygmalion effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia to positive effect. I think if you praise someone or give them a positive self-fulfilling prophecy, the key is consistency. They will tend to act in accordance with your beliefs about them at least around you.

Yep, I guess using self-fulfilling prophecies is a good way of doing it. Thanks.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by eali

It is indeed about a friend who might be having trouble studying for an exam, and in being confident of her ability. Yep, it is true I shouldn't tell her a lie, but I do deeply believe that she has what it takes. I'm trying to be positive and supportive and I don't know the best way to do it. Thanks for your reply, do you happen to work in that domain?

Yes, I do. I teach at college level and also offer private tuition. A large part of the private tuition is working on self confidence before doing anything else. I had one student (extreme case) who had a learning disorder and a belief that he could never do well at his degree. His aim was just to pass but as he did better we gradually aimed higher together and his self confidence is much, much better and his grades are the highest he's achieved.

[eali]

Interesting. Thanks Merr.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by eali

Like the quote. The ulterior motive is to basically be supportive, why not?

Because that can imply to the person that you think they need your support, and if they have low self-esteem, they might think you're right. Relying on someone else's support to maintain a positive self-image is the exact opposite of self-esteem.

If you genuinely want to praise them, that's different, because that shows them that they benefited you, instead of you trying to benefit them. When you're praising them because you need to praise them, and not because you feel they need to hear your praises, then they may feel that they made a real contribution into the world. If you do it the other way, they may instead get the sense that they are a burden that you are trying to uplift, because that is what your actions imply.

Even worse, they might get the sense that you are trying to forcibly uplift them (think of a boss who gives praise only so that his workers work harder without costing more money). If they perceive that you're trying to control them, it will breed resentment and deliberate apathy about improvement.

Just remember; the person you're praising doesn't need you. If you remember that, and praise only for your own gratification, then you create an environment where people believe in themselves instead of the praises of others. That's real self-esteem.

[WarrenG]

It's best not to make praise based on a trait of that person, but praise the effort.

If someone does well in a puzzle, say "You put a lot of effort into that," not "You're really smart."

If they do well at football, you say "That hard work in training really paid off!", not "You're an awesome football player."

Praising a trait, especially if you are an authority to that person (older sibling, coach, parent) runs the risk of being adopted. They feel good about that new status "I'm a good player! Awesome!" And subsequently they fear poor performances because they don't want to lose that acceptance and respect from you.

The result is they start putting less effort in. That way, deep inside they can hang on to their identity, "I could have won, I just wasn't trying."

If you praise effort, they see that as the thing that gains acceptance, and that builds a mindset that is more persistent, and better at dealing with setbacks.

For more information on this, Google or YouTube Carol Dweck, a psychologist from Stanford.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by Brutha

The best praise is honest, believable by the recipient and is about something that the recipient controls.

Excellent suggestion.

Also so long as PRAISE is for a Good-natured endeavor, tho we were created/'hard-wired' to learn, ample Research has proven: in the moments we are grinning from ear-to-ear, & having lots... of Fun, the endorphins in us making new neural-connections, actually fire the most rapidly, meaning in these moments we learn exponentially!! the fastest...

So when you want to help people succeed in school, it is Crucial that you encourage the student to turn it into a Game, make it Fun, ham this UP, and keep encouraging people to perpetuate ... the FUN.

[Brutha]

Hmm, I cannot necessarily disagree, but shouldn't I be trying to be supportive without waiting for the other party to ask. The thing is, I'm just trying to positive towards her (and others), but I don't know what's the best way. Thanks.

I didn't say anything against giving praise without being asked.

What's the deal with praise being about something that the recipient controls?
Say you want to compliment a woman on her physical appearance.
"You hair is gorgeous" is better than "Your ears are gorgeous".
Why? Women spent a bunch of time on improving the looks of their hair. Knowing that their hair looks great means that they did a good job with their hair.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by WarrenG

It's best not to make praise based on a trait of that person, but praise the effort.

If someone does well in a puzzle, say "You put a lot of effort into that," not "You're really smart.".

That's exactly what I do with my students.

[eali]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Because that can imply to the person that you think they need your support, and if they have low self-esteem, they might think you're right. Relying on someone else's support to maintain a positive self-image is the exact opposite of self-esteem.

If you genuinely want to praise them, that's different, because that shows them that they benefited you, instead of you trying to benefit them. When you're praising them because you need to praise them, and not because you feel they need to hear your praises, then they may feel that they made a real contribution into the world. If you do it the other way, they may instead get the sense that they are a burden that you are trying to uplift, because that is what your actions imply.

Great reply, thanks a lot, and it makes total sense.

Originally Posted by WarrenG

It's best not to make praise based on a trait of that person, but praise the effort.

Thanks, and it is indeed true that you have to praise the effort.

Originally Posted by sk8joyful

So when you want to help people succeed in school, it is Crucial that you encourage the student to turn it into a Game, make it Fun, ham this UP, and keep encouraging people to perpetuate ... the FUN.

Thanks for your reply.

Originally Posted by Brutha

I didn't say anything against giving praise without being asked.

What's the deal with praise being about something that the recipient controls?
Say you want to compliment a woman on her physical appearance.
"You hair is gorgeous" is better than "Your ears are gorgeous".
Why? Women spent a bunch of time on improving the looks of their hair. Knowing that their hair looks great means that they did a good job with their hair.

I see what you're saying now, much like praising an effort, rather than the trait. Thanks.