Being Empowered by Rejection

[OptimistPrime]

So, like I mentioned in another thread, I've started applying the lessons I learned about seeing disagreements as win/win situations to the subject of rejection. That is, I'm letting go of the idea that if I'm not what someone else is looking for in a partner, it means that a) I'm a loser who is unworthy of their attraction, or b) that they're a loser for not being able to recognize my value. It simply means that Who I Am and Who They Desire aren't in alignment with one another, and there doesn't have to be any blame assigned to either party. It can be a win/win situation.

I think that this was a key reason why online dating sites never resonated with me fully; they always evoked one or both of those negative attitudes in me (and the feelings of dejection/worthlessness and resentment associated with each one, respectively) whenever I'd write to someone and not get a reply. I decided to reactivate my OkCupid account and give it another whirl, this time armed with some healthier beliefs. I'm proud to say that I managed to rewrite my entire profile, do some browsing, and send off a few messages without getting sad or depressed in the process (which used to happen most of the time that I used the site in the past.)

[Merr]

Excellent. I've been using online dating myself recently and I think that one of the big problems is that a lot of guys don't put much effort into the profile itself or their messages or come across as though they are quite negative about themselves. They don't get any replies which just feeds the negativity. I think that a number of things help to optimise responses:

-Write about yourself in a positive, humorous way. No negative self-statements of any kind.
-Don't write about other types of person negatively, e.g. 'I don't like people who write lists' or 'I don't like people who waste my time'.
-Use a decent picture for a profile, that isn't a webcam photo, which shows a smiling face and above all: ensure that said photo is recent.
-Write personalised messages. Use the person's name and refer to something within that person's profile. Most people just copy and paste the same message which is not impressive.

There are other things that spring to mind, but I think that these things are the most important. I'm guessing that you've dealt with most of these issues in your current profile and I'm glad that you've changed the way you're feeling about it. I am sure you will see better results this time around!

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Merr

-Write about yourself in a positive, humorous way. No negative self-statements of any kind.
-Don't write about other types of person negatively, e.g. 'I don't like people who write lists' or 'I don't like people who waste my time'.
-Use a decent picture for a profile, that isn't a webcam photo, which shows a smiling face and above all: ensure that said photo is recent.
-Write personalised messages. Use the person's name and refer to something within that person's profile. Most people just copy and paste the same message which is not impressive.

That's interesting, because I focused on just writing my profile/messages from the heart instead of thinking about how I "should" write them, and I ended up doing almost everything on your list.

(I'm sure SlicK would have something interesting to say about that. )

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

That's interesting, because I focused on just writing my profile/messages from the heart instead of thinking about how I "should" write them, and I ended up doing almost everything on your list.

(I'm sure SlicK would have something interesting to say about that. )

*Merr slaps self. Bad Merr!* Seriously though, I was actually looking at it from the other side and considering the reasons why I have not responded to messages from certain guys. In my own profile, like you, I actually wrote from the heart (to the extent that a mind over heart person actually can!) and have had a number of responses from decent-sounding guys. However, I was astounded by just how many make zero effort at all and seem to expect some sort of response. A lot of guys think it's about how they look when it isn't. I've ignored messages from guys I perceived to be attractive because I'm not interested in someone who doesn't make an effort!

[OptimistPrime]

Well, I guess that sort of brings it back to my original point: I did what was reflective of the real me, and if that ends up looking like "zero effort" to people who look at my profile, and the perception of "zero effort" makes them choose not to write back to me, then maybe that site just isn't the right venue for me to meet people. It doesn't make me, OkCupid, or those people "wrong".

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Well, I guess that sort of brings it back to my original point: I did what was reflective of the real me, and if that ends up looking like "zero effort" to people who look at my profile, and the perception of "zero effort" makes them choose not to write back to me, then maybe that site just isn't the right venue for me to meet people. It doesn't make me, OkCupid, or those people "wrong".

Actually, I think the profile is something that should be written in about five minutes flat without putting too much effort into it. I was talking more about zero effort with the messages you send out to people not being such a great idea. For example, things like 'hi how r u doing' or a very wild, romantic message which is very obviously sent to every single girl. If you applied for a job, they'd expect you to personalise the job application and mention the name of the company and what you like about it without going overboard... same is true for a girl.

Of course, you could take the approach that 'not writing personalised messages' is the real me and I'm going to do it anyway and see what happens and that'd be OK... but if you wrote personalised messages (which it sounds like you did) that required some effort and that's going to improve your response rate.

[ZephyrusX]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

So, like I mentioned in another thread, I've started applying the lessons I learned about seeing disagreements as win/win situations to the subject of rejection. That is, I'm letting go of the idea that if I'm not what someone else is looking for in a partner, it means that a) I'm a loser who is unworthy of their attraction, or b) that they're a loser for not being able to recognize my value. It simply means that Who I Am and Who They Desire aren't in alignment with one another, and there doesn't have to be any blame assigned to either party. It can be a win/win situation.

I think this is a very healthy mind set to nurture. Too often, I meet people who take rejection personally as if it means something about who they are as a person. Realistically, it is probably just an issue of incompatibility in most situations. There is nothing 'wrong' with either party. If either party recognizes that the relationship is incompatible, that means they can move on to something else that will be more fulfilling and satisfying. Win-win situation.

It is the same with relationships that end sometime down the road. The issue is probably just shifting desires and incompatibility, but I my self and other people in life have interpreted the change in relationship in the worse possible manner. 'What did I do wrong?', 'You've turned into such a stuck up *****!' 'I'm a bad person for not wanting to talk to this person anymore!' etc. It seems so much more healthier to be grateful for the past and then to simply move onto more satisfying relationships. It is really problematic when either party refuses to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer fulfilling and to linger in a 'dead' relationship to avoid ill feelings. I think you can avoid hurting each other if you simply be upfront and be honest about how you feel. Again, win-win situation.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Merr

Actually, I think the profile is something that should be written in about five minutes flat without putting too much effort into it.

Cool.

Originally Posted by Merr

I was talking more about zero effort with the messages you send out to people not being such a great idea.

Yeah, writing non-personalized messages has never felt attractive to me on a gut level. Usually I ask a question about something pertaining to their profile.

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

I think this is a very healthy mind set to nurture.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

It seems so much more healthier to be grateful for the past and then to simply move onto more satisfying relationships. It is really problematic when either party refuses to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer fulfilling and to linger in a 'dead' relationship to avoid ill feelings. I think you can avoid hurting each other if you simply be upfront and be honest about how you feel. Again, win-win situation.

Excellent point. Depending on how things go, maybe I'll get the chance to start a "Being Empowered by Breakups" thread down the line.

[OptimistPrime]

One interesting thing I've noticed from trying OkC again is that the thing about rejection that really makes me feel frustrated and angry is when I feel like people aren't rejecting me for who I am, but for who I'm not.

I don't mind it when I have a conversation of reasonable length with someone (i.e. enough to get a read on their personality) and it turns out that one or both of us just isn't interested. I find it much harder to accept a) people never writing back to me in the first place, or b) sending like one or two messages back and then inexplicably breaking off communication before we've even begun having a conversation with one another.

I think this is because I worry that maybe a lot of them are judging the totality of my being and my suitability as a partner based on what I consider to be very limited information, such as my profile-writing ability or ability to write a message that piques their interest. That makes me feel... I think "dehumanized" is the best word to describe it. I'm someone who does his best not to assume that a person's profile-writing ability can encapsulate whether I'd enjoy knowing them or not, so I also have feelings of injustice, as well.

Any suggestions on how to deal with these kinds of feelings? I think I'm handling them pretty well, but I wouldn't mind hearing others' insight on this.

[Merr]

I can think of two possible ways of dealing with this. You could sit and think of possible reasons why the person may not have answered which are not terribly personal, e.g. 'that person is busy dating others', 'I'm just not that person's type' etc. You could also think about if you 'rejected' someone. Would you want them to feel upset about it or would you think of it as personal? It's doubtful. I think a dismissive attitude is the key to the whole thing.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Merr

I can think of two possible ways of dealing with this. You could sit and think of possible reasons why the person may not have answered which are not terribly personal, e.g. 'that person is busy dating others', 'I'm just not that person's type' etc. You could also think about if you 'rejected' someone. Would you want them to feel upset about it or would you think of it as personal? It's doubtful. I think a dismissive attitude is the key to the whole thing.

Thanks, Merr. I know that there are many other possible reasons for why my response rate has generally been low. For example, I didn't even think about this until today, but I live an hour away from a metropolitan area where most of the people on OkC in my area are located. So some people might even be writing me off just because there are lots of other guys who live much closer to them.

And that's probably the underlying issue for me: a fear of the unknown. When I don't know why I have a low response rate, it can make me feel helpless and hopeless. So it'd be a good thing for me to learn to let go of my attachment to certainty.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Thanks, Merr. I know that there are many other possible reasons for why my response rate has generally been low. For example, I didn't even think about this until today, but I live an hour away from a metropolitan area where most of the people on OkC in my area are located. So some people might even be writing me off just because there are lots of other guys who live much closer to them.

And that's probably the underlying issue for me: a fear of the unknown. When I don't know why I have a low response rate, it can make me feel helpless and hopeless. So it'd be a good thing for me to learn to let go of my attachment to certainty.

It's good that you're thinking of reasons why they might not be responding to your messages that have no reflection on you or your profile. I do think though, that it's very easy to get caught up in negative reasons when it comes to dating so it's important to remind yourself of them as much as possible. That said, if your intuition is telling you that there may be something girls find 'off' about your profile, it might not be a bad idea to get an impartial opinion on your profile.

I hate not knowing 'why' about things too. If you don't know why, if it does turn out to be something you're doing, you won't be able to change it. You might one day realise what it was, but it can take a lot of time first. I don't know what your circumstances are but perhaps it's simply just the case that online dating doesn't work for you? Maybe a different form of dating would be more effective for you.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Thanks, Merr. I know that there are many other possible reasons for why my response rate has generally been low. For example, I didn't even think about this until today, but I live an hour away from a metropolitan area where most of the people on OkC in my area are located. So some people might even be writing me off just because there are lots of other guys who live much closer to them.

And that's probably the underlying issue for me: a fear of the unknown. When I don't know why I have a low response rate, it can make me feel helpless and hopeless. So it'd be a good thing for me to learn to let go of my attachment to certainty.

Yeah, I tend to write people off who live too far from the city, unless they wanna be visiting the city often or there's a particularly strong connection. I don't drive, nor do I have the money for such a thing. If they tell me they come to D.C. very often, like every weekend, then I consider them. But I already hate that OKC has no lower mile-range option because I don't want Baltimore and other places so far away to be included, as I have no intention of messaging any of them.

I think I might just ask this girl to hang out and try to embrace rejection. I mean, what I have to lose is all an illusion. I may never see her again if I don't... I kept thinking, "it's okay, I'll see her at the next swing class. So whatever I do wrong this time, it may interfere with relationship in swing class." Well, I missed one class, then she missed this week's class. I don't know that I'll see her there ever again. I may, I may not. So why not take a chance, even if it seems lame? A lot of times I think something's lame, but in the end it turns out good. Or I think it's good, but it turns out lame... it all evens out in the end.

I watched Friends With Benefits last night. What a lame movie, lol. Typical rom com cheesiness. Their parents start blabbering about "the love of my life," how they only had one. Really? 'cause if there's only one, I'm screwed, 'cause I met her two years ago and she lost interest, and then I ruined what was left of that. But, anyway, the point it got in my head was: don't miss your chance, 'cause it probably won't come back! Even if I was right in thinking she wasn't interested, at least I'll feel powerful for having put myself out there.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Merr

That said, if your intuition is telling you that there may be something girls find 'off' about your profile, it might not be a bad idea to get an impartial opinion on your profile.

I feel like the only thing I do in my profile that is atypical (based on my reading of many other people's profiles) is that I talk about my relationship values, i.e. the kind of stuff you normally don't find out about someone until after you've gotten to know them. Things like the fact that I'm a monogamist, and what "monogamy" means to me personally. Or what my preferences are regarding how I dress, and my expectations (or rather, lack thereof) when it comes to women dressing a certain way or wearing makeup. I guess that might seem "heavy" or a turn-off.

Also, one thing I don't do that I see many other people do is to list hobbies and activities that I like to do for fun.

And both of these are things that my intuition keeps telling me to do and not do, respectively.

Originally Posted by Merr

I don't know what your circumstances are but perhaps it's simply just the case that online dating doesn't work for you? Maybe a different form of dating would be more effective for you.

That's definitely something that I've considered. I feel like at this point, I'm mainly using OkCupid as a means of facing my inner demons, and any connections I make on the site are just icing on the cake.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Yeah, I tend to write people off who live too far from the city, unless they wanna be visiting the city often or there's a particularly strong connection. I don't drive, nor do I have the money for such a thing. If they tell me they come to D.C. very often, like every weekend, then I consider them. But I already hate that OKC has no lower mile-range option because I don't want Baltimore and other places so far away to be included, as I have no intention of messaging any of them.

Yeah, I think what made me think of this was you telling me about how you prefer to date women who live nearby.

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I think I might just ask this girl to hang out and try to embrace rejection. I mean, what I have to lose is all an illusion.

Yup. If your heart is telling you to ask her out, I say go for it. Good luck!

[Cochonette]

Well, people are superficial - have you considered that they might be judging you on looks? Even where people might not judge you in person, they will online.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

I talk about my relationship values, i.e. the kind of stuff you normally don't find out about someone until after you've gotten to know them. Things like the fact that I'm a monogamist, and what "monogamy" means to me personally. Or what my preferences are regarding how I dress, and my expectations (or rather, lack thereof) when it comes to women dressing a certain way or wearing makeup. I guess that might seem "heavy" or a turn-off.

Also, one thing I don't do that I see many other people do is to list hobbies and activities that I like to do for fun.

That's definitely something that I've considered. I feel like at this point, I'm mainly using OkCupid as a means of facing my inner demons, and any connections I make on the site are just icing on the cake.

OK, well my opinion on this is that some of the things you could be talking about in your profile are probably unnecessary. I think in general, monogamy is the most accepted form of relationships and people might wonder why you feel the need to talk about it. It's difficult to say without seeing what you've actually written.

Talking about 'turn-offs' is to me, an example of writing negatively in your profile. I sometimes receive messages from people who have such comments in their profile and unwittingly, they have turned me off when I might otherwise have replied. Regardless of whether it's the truth or not, when people write things like that it can come across as though they have a chip on their shoulder, or as though they think that they are superior in some way. I imagine that you wouldn't write a message to a girl who came across as a 'turn off' anyway, so it seems superfluous to me.

If I were you, I'd focus on the qualities I was looking for rather than what I'm not looking for, if you see what I mean. Similar to the principles of law of attraction itself. For example, in my profile I think I stated that I was looking for someone with a sense of humour and adventure who was open to new experiences or something like that.

Listing your hobbies/interests is quite important too as people are more interested in those who share some interests or have some kind of hobby which might start a conversation. For example, if you like reading or watching TV it lends itself to conversations about things that you like that might be the same or different and you can discuss the reasons why you like or don't like things. If you have an unusual hobby, people may find it intriguing or want to know more. In other words, it just makes it easier for people to think of something to say in return.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Merr

Listing your hobbies/interests is quite important too as people are more interested in those who share some interests or have some kind of hobby which might start a conversation. For example, if you like reading or watching TV it lends itself to conversations about things that you like that might be the same or different and you can discuss the reasons why you like or don't like things. If you have an unusual hobby, people may find it intriguing or want to know more. In other words, it just makes it easier for people to think of something to say in return.

I agree. Sometimes I am looking at profiles that seem nice enough, but they don't say much, so I'm thinking, "What do I say to them? How can I tell them I'm interested based on nothing substantial except their photo and that they haven't said anything that was a turn-off?" So I often just end up not writing them.

I added a few small details about what I like to do in my profile later, and these turned into things that people started messaging me for. For example, I changed my main photo to myself doing Aikido, so I started getting lots of messages that said nothing but, "What martial art do you do?" I added that I am into massage and got a message from someone mentioning that she's into massage - we ended up going on a date, and she is the smartest person I've dated so far. I added that I'm interested in tango and got a message from someone who just wanted to know where I learn tango and if I lead or follow.

[Cochonette]

lol, I think we're digressing from your topic of being empowered by rejection.

[Cochonette]

Oops, I just realized you already said you rewrote your profile. Good for you. I want to hear the results.

Yeah, you can tell I only skimmed or didn't read most of the thread before I replied to it. Homer moment.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Well, people are superficial - have you considered that they might be judging you on looks?

Yup.

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Since your current profile isn't working, maybe just try rewriting it, even if it's not super out there or anything... just to see if something else changes things.

I have trouble doing anything that I don't feel like doing, but sure, I'll check in some time and see if what you recommended resonates with me.

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I know you have inspiring things to say, as this thread indicates. Those inspiring things are reason for someone to want to hang out with you.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by Merr

OK, well my opinion on this is that some of the things you could be talking about in your profile are probably unnecessary. I think in general, monogamy is the most accepted form of relationships and people might wonder why you feel the need to talk about it. It's difficult to say without seeing what you've actually written.

"I'm a monogamist, but I believe that monogamy isn't necessarily about never looking at or feeling attracted to other people, but more about choosing not to act on those feelings if and when you have them."

Originally Posted by Merr

Talking about 'turn-offs' is to me, an example of writing negatively in your profile.

Errr, are you referring to something specific that I mentioned? Or was that just a general comment?

Originally Posted by Merr

If I were you, I'd focus on the qualities I was looking for rather than what I'm not looking for, if you see what I mean.

Yup, whenever I state a preference, I frame it in terms of things I like, as opposed to things I dislike.

Originally Posted by Merr

Listing your hobbies/interests is quite important too as people are more interested in those who share some interests or have some kind of hobby which might start a conversation. For example, if you like reading or watching TV it lends itself to conversations about things that you like that might be the same or different and you can discuss the reasons why you like or don't like things. If you have an unusual hobby, people may find it intriguing or want to know more. In other words, it just makes it easier for people to think of something to say in return.

True. Maybe the thing the doesn't resonate with me isn't listing these things per se, but rather how I was thinking of listing them. Again, I'll check in with my feelings on this and follow your advice if it resonates.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Oops, I just realized you already said you rewrote your profile. Good for you. I want to hear the results.

I've sent messages to 28 people since rewriting it, and gotten 0 replies.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

I've sent messages to 28 people since rewriting it, and gotten 0 replies.

I see. Ok. I am having similarly horrible results with my housing search. I dunno if I'm not saying enough in my messages or what, but no one is even replying. Before when I searched, they at least replied.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

"I'm a monogamist, but I believe that monogamy isn't necessarily about never looking at or feeling attracted to other people, but more about choosing not to act on those feelings if and when you have them."


Errr, are you referring to something specific that I mentioned? Or was that just a general comment?

Although the vast majority of people find themselves attracted to someone who is not their partner and choose not to act upon these feelings, most people don't want to face this early in the dating process, if ever. A girl wants to feel special, like if you asked her out and something comes of it that you're only thinking about and having fantasies about her. If she knows from the outset that your attitude is like this, it takes away the romance and the feeling that she is special. Hence, she'll look at your profile and go on to another guy who she thinks will make her feel like a 'special' girl.

You talked about your expectations regarding women on how they dress and about make-up. Even if you don't phrase it 'women who wear heavy make up need not apply...' for example and say 'I prefer women with modest make-up' (I have no idea what you wrote, so this is just an illustration), women will still view this as a negative statement and will bristle, even if it does not apply to them.

This is particularly true of statements about money. Clearly 'no gold-diggers need apply' is much more inflammatory than 'I would like to meet women who are not concerned in material things', but a woman is likely to infer that you will be judgemental of her attitude towards money and might think badly of her if she's a shopaholic, for example.

Also, what you're focusing on appears to be well... on appearance (aside from views on monogamy). It's better to focus on what kind of qualities you're looking for in a woman. This should come to you pretty quickly, e.g. it could be honesty, a sense of humour, ability to engage in deep discussions, or even a woman who shares some of your hobbies (whatever they may be).

Just a few thoughts here. Other people might disagree with my assessment but this is how I see it.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Merr

You talked about your expectations regarding women on how they dress and about make-up. Even if you don't phrase it 'women who wear heavy make up need not apply...' for example and say 'I prefer women with modest make-up' (I have no idea what you wrote, so this is just an illustration), women will still view this as a negative statement and will bristle, even if it does not apply to them.

Here was what I wrote: "I generally like to wear the kind of clothes that I'm wearing in my profile pictures, and I don't expect women to dress a certain way or to wear (or not wear) makeup just to please me. I'd much prefer that they wear something that they themselves enjoy wearing."

Originally Posted by Merr

Also, what you're focusing on appears to be well... on appearance (aside from views on monogamy).

The thing about clothing was the only one (out of six I listed) which was about appearance.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Here was what I wrote: "I generally like to wear the kind of clothes that I'm wearing in my profile pictures, and I don't expect women to dress a certain way or to wear (or not wear) makeup just to please me. I'd much prefer that they wear something that they themselves enjoy wearing."


The thing about clothing was the only one (out of six I listed) which was about appearance.

That sounds fine to me and a pretty decent attitude to have actually. However, some women will read it and be awkward and will think something like: 'why does he think that I care about whether I please him or not when I don't even know him yet?' Also, some women just like to dress up and have the appreciation of being dressed nicely to make them feel 'special.'

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Merr

That sounds fine to me and a pretty decent attitude to have actually. However, some women will read it and be awkward and will think something like: 'why does he think that I care about whether I please him or not when I don't even know him yet?' Also, some women just like to dress up and have the appreciation of being dressed nicely to make them feel 'special.'

I don't think these are valid critiques of his profile and why NO women have been replying to his messages.

[laughingmatter]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I don't think these are valid critiques of his profile and why NO women have been replying to his messages.

Why not ? I actually curious because I thought that was a great critique.

[Merr]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I don't think these are valid critiques of his profile and why NO women have been replying to his messages.

Fair enough. Equally, I don't agree that all people are superficial is a valid explanation either. I don't know what OptimistPrime looks like but even if I didn't feel instant attraction to a guy based on his photo, if I liked his profile and his message to me was sufficiently personalised (i.e. he'd actually taken the time to read my profile and write something he hadn't written to any other girl) I'd still respond. I don't think I'm alone or by any means unique in having this kind of attitude.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Merr

Fair enough. Equally, I don't agree that all people are superficial is a valid explanation either. I don't know what OptimistPrime looks like but even if I didn't feel instant attraction to a guy based on his photo, if I liked his profile and his message to me was sufficiently personalised (i.e. he'd actually taken the time to read my profile and write something he hadn't written to any other girl) I'd still respond. I don't think I'm alone or by any means unique in having this kind of attitude.

I never said all women are superficial, but even if most are, it's still a better possibility - and my comment wasn't a critique. It was just a comment, and he already said himself that he had considered it. Just from reading posts on Craigslist, I would say that the vast majority of people on dating sites are either superficial or self-conscious about others judging them superficially. On OKC, they just don't admit to it the way they do on Craigslist, where they can hide their judgment behind the veil of anonymity. On OKC, their own picture is already attached to anything they say. And so is yours, so they can judge you before messaging begins. On Craigslist, there's a lot of, "Please send your pic before I send mine so I can make sure I'm sending mine to someone I find physically attractive." Or other weird things like, "Not that I'm superficial, but I need to see your photo because I want someone who takes care of their body..." Or they stop messaging as soon as you send your photo.

But I feel you are now just trying to take attention away from my calling your critique not valid. I think your critique is not valid because there is no evidence that anywhere near a majority of women will be turned off by a guy saying he doesn't need her to dress for him - in fact, I would think many women will feel quite the opposite on that matter. I know I would. You yourself said that what he wrote in his profile sounds "pretty decent" - I think it sounds more than decent. I just think that you are trying to find reasons for him changing his profile that aren't there.