High maintenance friend- let him go?
 

So I have this friend, Jon.
He can be pretty high maintenance sometimes- I like him, he is a loyal friend but sometimes I just cant handle him.
He is also often very critical of me as well. Feeling he can say anything to me. Like he feels the need to put me down every once in while, very subtly. But more often he's nice and fun to be with.
I think he liked me once, but I never wanted to date him. He is 50. Cool guy, has plenty of success with woman, but I always knew not the type I wanna be in a relationship with.
Anyway- Now he is not speaking to me. And I dont know whether to just let him go or what

So heres what happened:
he often comes with me to events Im invited to. He's usually up for meeting new people, so I invite him.

Anyway thats how he met one of my friends- Tanya. She sent out a group email inviting people to her party.
I didnt know she invited him and had made plans to go with a girl friend of mine. I told the girl friend I'd meet her there. No problem she said.

Jon texted me on the party day that he wants to go with me, but I was late and didnt want to be pressured so I told him to meet me there too. He kept on texting me that he wants to go with me, that they arent his friends, and that should never ask him to come with me anywhere about 10 texts about going to the party. :rolleyes:.
I just said when I was about to leave- "Im leaving now Ill meet you there." I didnt want to fight.
he was trying to give me a guilt trip and I was not giving in. Finally I arrived. i didnt find the host so I went around, with a guy I met in the elevator and we were searching for the host. I saw Jon in the corner of my eye, but I wanted to find the host first.
Then Jon appeared and said he was leaving. I asked why he didnt even answer and walked off. I tried to call him and text two days later, and a few days after that. but he doesnt answer. I feel bad because I know I hurt his feelings, but I just couldnt handle "taking care" of him that evening. I wanted to have a chilled out evening, without being responsible for anyone.
Especially after all those texts. Some not so nice.
My girlfriend showed up and we had a great time.

So what do you guys think? Was my behavior too mean?
Do I keep calling, send him a mail or let this friendship go?
Im leaning towards the latter now

If you feel like letting go of the friendship but are worried/fearful about doing so, I'd recommend letting go of the friendship.

i'm thinking of letting go one friend as well.

i feel no value added when we meet up. he spends a lot of time grousing about things.e.g. how the government sucks, how rich people take poor people's money, etc. basically a "the world is unjust" actittude. i sense a lot of bitterness about life.

he is generous and funny otherwise.

i guess, i want a more quality relationship.

i'm also wondering how to let the friendship go.. do i stop accepting his invitations to gatherings? or do i have to say it out to him "hey, buddy, i don't want to see u anymore."

You have to determine what's acceptable and what's not in terms of friendship. If I was in your position, I would say that this guy is one of those 'toxic' people and would let the friendship go or at the very least, not spend a lot of time or energy on that one (sort of downgrade to acquiantance level).

Thanks, Its not that Im worried. I just thought Id ask for an objective opinion about the situation. Like what you would do if you were me.

Thanks for your thoughts. I needed to hear that :)

As I wrote in another thread, Ive been taking care of me nowadays. And maybe he is no longer aligned with the part of me that takes care of my own needs. So this is why he no longer answers my calls, no longer part of my reality.

I'm thinking he's not going to let the friendship go, and once he gets over this, he'll be back. We'll see.

No. He's a grown man, and he could obviously get to the party on his own, and you had other priorities (like getting ready and getting out the door).

I'm betting that if you stop calling and texting him, he'll eventually contact you, like nothing ever happened. That's pretty typical passive-aggressive behaviour.

In this case, it sounds like he's already made up his mind about it. If he's serious, then you haven't got much choice, and all you can do is respect his wishes and end the friendship. If he's just playing some passive-aggressive drama game with you, well, in my book, that's enough reason to end it, anyway. Take him at his word and stop contacting him. If he doesn't really mean it, well, maybe next time he'll think twice about throwing a tantrum.

I don't think that you've done anything wrong. It seems to me that his perspective is this: Someone he didn't know very well invited him to a party which he wanted to attend but didn't feel comfortable going to alone. He thought that you would eventually give in to his repeated texts and go with him. When he realised that you weren't going to reply, he had a choice: stay home or go to the party. However, deciding to go and not feeling comfortable around other people, he probably hoped that you would go over to him first and felt rejected that you didn't. I think that speaking to the host first was basic etiquette but I can see how this played in your friend's mind. He felt uncomfortable, alone and rejected. The situation got worse in his mind, so he decided to leave.

I actually think that if he found that experience negative enough, he may just decide not to get in touch with you. It really depends on how many friends he has. In your position, I would probably have sought him out once I got to the party but his reaction was over the top.

It sounds to me like this isn't a one-off incident and you've hinted that there's the possibility that he is looking for more from you than you're able to give. I think that you need to ask yourself this when deciding whether or not to let go of the relationship: is there anything positive that you would miss? Sure, he might be nice sometimes, but is it something that you would actually miss?

Like you, I am in the situation of letting a friendship go because tbh, I won't miss him much.

Exactly!

Yup.

Thanks Merr.
You nailed it. Thats exactly how it was and Im sure thats what he felt.
Yes I shouldve said hello when I saw him in the corner of my eye. And I almost surprised myself when I didnt. But I just didnt feel like after all those texts. He often gives me a guilt trip, or just has something critical to say, and I just could not handle it that night. I could not handle him bringing me down bc he thought that I was immoral for not coming to the party with him. I didnt invite him to that party. I would not have if I had the choice.
I will miss him. And thats why I called left him a voicemail and texted and I writing here. because I do care. but I dont feel like going beyond that now.
I know him well enough and it feels like he is trying to punish me. And I wont take that. Its immature. And yes, from all the friends I have, I do feel like he takes the most energy

I can understand how you felt that night. Sometimes, enough is enough and you get so tired of dealing with a person and his/her drama that you don't want to face it and let that person ruin your evening. I think having tried to contact him, you have 'reached out' and done all that you can.

I find if you're not being yourself with your friends, it's best to take a break from them, 1 week, 2 weeks, a month, whatever, until you can be yourself and are then in a good position to make a good decision on the matter, about whether you want them in your life or not..

I totally empathise with you Danas!!

I have just made the decision to let go of a very high maintenance and needy friend. SImiliar to your friend Jon, it seems that there is just constant drama created and I have just decided to let go. Its a great feeling.