Should I end my college relationship?
 

So looking at the age polls, many (if not most) of you are in your 20s. Some of you may be able to relate to my problem, and I'm asking for your advice please..

I have the quintessential college relationship. We met the first week of school 4 years ago and have been more or less inseparable ever since. It was the first time love really hit me in the face..being with him was a dream, the romance that you wish you had but always seems elusive.

We've had our share of drama due to immaturity..breaking up all the time, the issue of being attracted to other people (but not cheating), long distance over the summer.. the longest we broke up was for about 6 months but that time was torture for both of us.

Fast forward to now, he is graduating and has a job lined up in the same area. I am taking longer to graduate so I will still be in school next year.

I just have so many doubts about whether or not I'm clinging onto the passion we used to have. He used to adore me to the point where I would get annoyed, but now that he's calmed down I don't feel as loved. Our love has developed into a deep and caring friendship more than the red hot romance it used to be.. I know this is completely normal, but we are still so young.. that I dont know if that's normal. Does that make sense?

I guess the thing that has been bothering me the most is our sex life.. we haven't really touched each other in weeks. And you know when it gets to be that long.. I feel awkward trying to start anything, you start to view them more as a ..cuddly friend? We have no shortage of cuddling but for the first couple years our sex life was AMAZING..i can't wrap my mind around how that kind of passion could just fizzle out? I don't want to accept it..I have no idea how to revive it..and please dont tell me to look into orgies or S&M. =/

I've tried talking to him about it, but he says the more I bring it up, the more I make a big deal about it..thus perpetuating the problem. He says he's just tired and busy lately..but he's always been busy, never too busy for me. He is a 22 year old hot blooded (or used to be) male.. his sex drive should be off the charts at this point in his life. I know I definitely feel..deprived.

He said he's completely happy with me and doesn't want to break up anytime in the near future. I can foresee marrying him at some point, but not if our sex life continues this way because I can't imagine sustaining a marriage without it..especially if it starts before we even freakin get engaged. To make things worse, his mom is moving in with him this summer (due to financial problems) and he's starting work in August while I continue to take classes.

Please help.. I love him so much, we can talk forever and make each other laugh till it hurts.. and the last time I broke up with him for six months, I almost never got him back. I don't want to lose him but I find myself increasing frustrated and wanting that passion back that we used to have.

Too Good To Leave, Too bad to stay is recommended in this entry:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-relationship/

I'm sure other people can offer better advice than I can so I'll just let htem.

bettyboo11... let me ask you from a guy's point of view... have you changed physically in the past years... or, let me put it bluntly... have you put on twenty lbs...???

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I look and weigh the same..but his lack of interest in me is making me feel very unattractive, even though I know that's not the case.

But I have considered your question a lot.. I'm thinking that maybe he's lost interest in me because before our relationship was very dramatic..he was never sure if I'd stick with him because he felt threatened by my guy friendships, etc.

Now that I realized that I love only him and I'm very devoted, maybe that's not such a turn on anymore. and maybe it's time for me to move on and let him find the next girl he's passionate about..?

So when he loved you too much, you would get annoyed. Now you love him too much, and what do you expect him to do?

I think that's just the cat and mouse game humans play. You can't control it? Your emotions seem to be out of your reach when it comes to this?

I don't know that I have any usefull advice, but I'd like to offer my condolences for your situation.

I'm really sorry.

It looks to me like you guys were both in it for the thrill of the chase, moreso than love.

I find it always interesting that when someone says "don't tell me to XXX to get happy", something follows that nobody in this forum would probably advice.
People come here and ask: How can I be an self employed and write "don't tell me to get a real job". If you read this board on a regular basis you see that nobody here would that, people here go tend to go into the other extreme of "as long as follow your passion you will be fine".
When someone writes "don't tell me to XXX to get happy", it kind of expressing the limiting belief "I know that I would need to XXX, but I don't want to, so please don't remind me of it".
You should ask yourself why you harbor such a belief.

I apologize if that was offensive because I was half-joking. I just mean that I've read all the advice, all the magazine articles, I've watched Sex and the City. I know "how to put passion back into your relationship" in theoretical terms.

I guess the reason why I'm posting here is to ask if anyone's been through something similar and how it turned out in the end. I know our "cat and mouse games" do seem very immature, but as young adults it is all we know of love..and I'm just asking for some guidance from people who have been there.

Thanks so much

I feel that bettyboo11 was justified when she said, "and please dont tell me to look into orgies or S&M. =/" ...anyone who needs that stuff to have healthy sex is a bit on the kinky side...

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At 22, a guy usually don't need anything but a pretty girl to be turned on... maybe he should get checked for testosterone level... and, if that is OK... you are left with two choices... a sexless life... or a new boyfriend...

Sorry to be so blunt... but, that's how I see it...

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When you're in a sexual relationship, being there for them sexually is a part of taking care of them, just like listening to how their day went or doing things to make them laugh and smile. To not be in the mood on a given night is acceptable, but to neglect someone for so long is to be not very considerate (and not a good partner).

I'm not saying break up with him, but do at least wake him up to the fact that he is not being a good partner, and the excuses aren't cutting it.

Ack. I disagree with the both of you. Yes, yes, it is normal for young men to be very sexually driven, to have high libido, etc. But "22 year old hotblooded males" are human too. Sometimes men get stressed out, tired, bored, disinterested, sore, or whatever.

There definitely is a societal expectation for men to become f**k machines at a moment's notice. When talking to him about this, don't act as if there is something wrong with him because he doesn't meet that expectation.

We are not talking about being any kind of a machine here... but, at 22 if you can be weeks without sex... there is something basically wrong with you...

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this probably has nothing to do with this situation, but it wasn't long ago i was that 22yo guy who had no interest in sexing up my girl-friend who was a borderline hottie. it had nothing to do with her looks. but i promise the girl smelled like sour milk and otherwise stank. this was her default smell, not a result of poor hygiene. there were other things going on, but that was a big factor.

just pointing out the obvious here, but there is more to sexual attraction that just looks. if the smell is so bad you lose interest, that has to be considered. :-P

another thing going on was i was working my butt off every day 7am-7pm including 2 hours in traffic. when i got home i just wanted to rest and be with her more than start "working" again.

but i still had above average interest in her. i was just more interested in having a partner who was there for me emotionally. this was the most important thing for me. not all men in their twenties want to fool around first-and-foremost.

The main question is why does she feel, to have to say it in the first place.

Why does she think that this is a solution someone would suggest?

In her mental map of the world it seems to be a solution to the problem. But she doesn't want to take it.

Therefore the problem seems to be her map of the world. When she thinks about passion in her sex live her thoughts wander to that topic.
Associating the thing you want (passion) with a thing you don't want (SM) is a problem.

I get a feeling that the "sex factor" was playing a big role in your relationship.
From my perspective, the solution to your problem would be asking yourself, how important is sex in your life when compared to the other qualities you enjoy in your b/f.

Very true.

Men sometimes end up focusing a lot on their work, or something else they're really passionate about and disregard women in their life for an "extended" period of time.

I know I've done it.

Then again, this might not apply to his/her situation, as he might just not be THAT interested in you and is looking for a bit of a refreshment... a variety... a change.

Men need that.

And I am a firm believer that nothing can bring him back to you as good as another girl he'll "get together with" for a bit of wild loving...

Men need this change of "partner" from time to time, just to refresh, recharge... and don't even bother calling it cheating, as it's stronger than him, that desire he cannot control that easily (if at all)...

It's definitely controllable.

Hi bettyboo11.
If you feel insecure and clingy, then this might have the reverse effect on your boyfriend. Here are some thoughts to consider in a poem of options:

Shakespeare:
if you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he ever comes back, s/he's yours,
If s/he doesn't, here's the poison, suicide
yourself for her/him.

Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
Don't worry, s/he'll come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he ever comes back, ask her/him why.

Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he doesn't comes back within some time forget her/him.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he doesn't come back, continue to wait until s/he comes back.

Playful:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
*If s/he comes back, and if you love her/him still, set free again, repeat*

Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her/him free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....

Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her/him free,
If s/he comes back, I think we can charge her/him for
re-installation fees but tell her/him that s/he's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love someone, Set her/him free,
S/He'll evolve.

Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her/him free,
If s/he loves you, the probability of her/him coming
back is high. If s/he doesn't, the Weibull
distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Salesman:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he ever comes back, deal! If s/he doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her/him free,
S/HE'LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent:
If you love someone, Show her/him the plan ....
If s/he ever comes back, sign her/him up,
If s/he doesn't, keep follow up with her/him and never give up!

Physician:
If you love someone, Set her/him free ....
If s/he ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If s/he doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle
of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician:
If you love someone, Set her free ....
If s/he ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If s/he doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c
is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone, Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR
PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL

If you love someone, set the person free.
If this person returns, s/he is yours.
If this person deosn't come back, s/he never was.