I know the story but she won't admit it she's cheating, pls help

[CR1]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. I have supported her through thick and thin and really don't like the way things have become. She says she understands that I'm studying and working, so its hard to get out with eachother but I could still respect some honestly. She just recently started a new job and started going to the gym, swimmin and walking (alone), apart from the last part, I think its good she's taking care of herself finally.

She moved out of her Dad's into her mum's but that didn't work out either so now she lives with me and my mother. She doesn't really pay rent but does a few chores but really she is a bit lazy.

She tells me she loves me and hugs me and says that I am the only person is wants to be with but since I have found out she is cheating on me. I have gone to some lengths to find out and that it isn't just my sucpision or jealously so I know for definite.

I have confronted her a few weeks ago about her relationship with a colleague at work but she vowed it was just friendship however she said she would end any contact with him outside work and she would ask him not to ring/txt her. So everytime she gets a txt from him she makes it out as, its another one of her friends, I really thought I was going mad but her friends only call her at certain times if at all, as most of them txt her. So when someone started called her late at night and throughout the day I was a bit surprised. I have no problem with her looking at my phone, which is something she does often so I thought I could look at hers, and she became offended. Unfortunately this raised my suspicions further and I had a look and found this colleague had phoned her almost everyday for the last few weeks, and txts her all the time, so now I feel sick. I don't believe any of the recent meetings with friends actually happened and she met with him.

The problem is, if I try and talk with her, she tells me she loves me and hugs/cuddles me and asks if there's anything on my mind I would like to talk about ..I try to get her to talk but she seems offended and as if there's nothing wrong. I love her to bits, well now I'm not so sure. I know she hasn't ANY real friends she could move into, so now I'm confused as I can't just end it and throw her out as I still have feelings for her even though I know she's lying all the time now.

I still care for her and think we could go and see a councilor but believe she'll deny any involvement with her colleague.

If she told me the truth I would be hurt for ages but I can't stand this lying. I feel like I have supported her though it seems not in everyway she wanted. So she's using me for my home, tho I don't want to use this as a tool for it to work, as if this isn't going to work and she's lying now then really how can I trust her to become trusted.

I've cried, I feel so down I have wanted to die, I just want to know how to approach her into either telling me the truth, try to work things out or end it.

[CR1]

btw, ive read a few topics on here and will define our relationship to be just the two of us. We did actually talk about having other partners at one stage, and both agreed we would probably both find hard to be together if that was the case. So agreed we wouldn't see anyone else.

[CR1]

I talked with her yesterday, and we both cried. I tried as much as I could not to mention I knew she has been cheating on me and she was bursting into tears. Saying she loves me. We both have understanding that we don't really get the time to spend with eachother - I would have tried to change my work hours to suit her but it never seemed apparent to be a problem. Now I know different. She has said that she will spend more time with me and she won't go to work do's if I want the time to spend with her.

I think today she has gone off to see him, to be honest I can't stand the lies. It's hard trying to communicate with her in a manor so that she will tell me everything, but then I know everything, well pretty much, so what really am I asking of her? That's something I find funny, not in the humorous sense but really I guess after reading some of the posts on here I'm starting to ask questions about myself as well as trying to find the reason in our / my relationship with my girlfriend.

Trust is a difficult reason, I couldn't imagine a friendship without trust, its something I truely value but then I know the trust between my girlfriend and I has gone, so I guess I starting to figure things out.

I still feel my girlfriend and I can have fun and a laugh without sex, which is something I that has outstanding value to me because its something I have never been able to have before with anyone else. Which is really I guess what I hold most of value to our relationship. But at the cost of knowing somebody is cheating on you and thinking why they are doing that but saying they don't believe in people cheating in relationships (I guess if she had said the opposite, she could believe her cheating would be too easy to spot), perhaps.!?

I'm still thinking, wondering, I guess I'm not really sure where I am or what to do. The hard part seems, I know I want to end our relationship, eventho she says she wants her life with me and I would really like my life with her. Am relationship is really a friendship. if I thought she would end it with him then I would want to stay with her.. but why would I, why can't I just take things as they are? This is really where I'm stuck.

[CR1]

Ok I'm replying to my own posts, normal huh?

Thinking things through, the only outcome I want is for her to be honest with me. I've tried things so far, and its not worked. I think I am ok for her to have her fun, as there's obviously something we are not connecting with eachother. However this honesty things is really not quite right. Or am I just kidding myself?

I'm thinking of saying one of these:

'I saw this really beautiful girl today and I'm going to ask her out, you wanna come along?'

'Some girl asked me out for a drink.'

It was some time ago that a girl asked me out for a drink and I said no to her, I had a girlfriend. I'm not really sure how she would respond to either of the above. I think she would be upset. However I'm really not sure.

I guess the '?' really are I know the situation, and I should hit myself in the face and bite the bullet or just carry on being used.

I feel I'm taking everything to seriously, perhaps thats what she gets from him? Its funny to think my thoughts were pretty much 'I want die' and now I'm an emotional wreck thinking everything can just carry on as they are. I'm going to carry on reading some posts, maybe even I'll reply to somebody elses instead of my own. Asking myself the same questions. Am I really sane?

[asrai]

Either way, you obviously don't trust her. I know it hurts to end relationships, but sometimes it must be done. She's obviously just as scared as you to end things. Sometimes change hurts worse then staying where it is hurting. Or at least it seems that way.

You sound like you are both young and still trying to figure out who you are in the world.

As for being sane. I don't think any of us are. At least according to the lastest psych defintions.

I wish I had some better advice to soothe the hurt. But, I'm not better at healthy relationships or dealing with pain.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by CR1

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. I have supported her through thick and thin and really don't like the way things have become.

She tells me she loves me and hugs me and says that I am the only person is wants to be with but since I have found out she is cheating on me. I have gone to some lengths to find out and that it isn't just my sucpision or jealously so I know for definite.

I have confronted her a few weeks ago about her relationship with a colleague at work but she vowed it was just friendship however she said she would end any contact with him outside work and she would ask him not to ring/txt her. So everytime she gets a txt from him she makes it out as, its another one of her friends, I really thought I was going mad but her friends only call her at certain times if at all, as most of them txt her. So when someone started called her late at night and throughout the day I was a bit surprised. I have no problem with her looking at my phone, which is something she does often so I thought I could look at hers, and she became offended. Unfortunately this raised my suspicions further and I had a look and found this colleague had phoned her almost everyday for the last few weeks, and txts her all the time, so now I feel sick. I don't believe any of the recent meetings with friends actually happened and she met with him.

The problem is, if I try and talk with her, she tells me she loves me and hugs/cuddles me and asks if there's anything on my mind I would like to talk about ..I try to get her to talk but she seems offended and as if there's nothing wrong.

If she told me the truth I would be hurt for ages but I can't stand this lying. I feel like I have supported her though it seems not in everyway she wanted. So she's using me for my home,

I've cried, I feel so down I have wanted to die, I just want to know how to approach her into either telling me the truth, try to work things out or end it.

CR1 - The snippets I took from your post almost mirror what I just recently went through with my boyfriend (well, ex). He acted in much the same way that your girlfriend is doing. Talking one way, but acting another. Saying he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, talking about us having kids, the whole nine yards. But in reality, he was stepping outside of our relationship. I don't know to what extent he was physically intimate with the other girl, but I do know he crossed the line of the understanding we had in our relationship. He too would look at my phone, ask me who I was talking to and what we were talking about and generally be nosey about my doings, but would blow up if I did the same. He spent a lot of his time away from me with other people and never invited me along. I supported him as he went from job to job, sometimes a couple of months in between.

To find out that the person you love has betrayed your trust is, in my experience, one of the most painful things ever. You have to realize (as I am trying to myself) that someone who plays with you like this is not the best for you. There is someone out there who will be open and honest with you, who won't play games and who will back up the words "I love you" with actions. I know, please believe I know, the shear horror of letting go of a person you love so much who has hurt you so tremendously. There's always a part of you that wants to hold out hope that they will see what they have with you and change into a loving, honest individual. It could happen, but it could take years and years of living this way. Or they could just stay the same, living the sweet deal they've got of someone who takes care of them and loves them while they do whatever they please.

I am not saying you should end it, only you can make that decision. I know it's not what you want. It wasn't what I wanted either. But it was the best thing. It doesn't mean I don't still love him. It doesn't mean I don't miss him like crazy. It just means I am looking out for myself and standing up for what I want in a relationship. I think the best thing to do is to sit down by yourself in a quiet place and decide what you want from a partner. Maybe write a list of qualities you like and pick the ones that are the most important...the ones that if they aren't present it's a deal breaker. Then ask yourself how many of these top qualities your girlfriend embodies. How much compromising are you willing to do on the things that matter so much to you? I would say it shouldn't be much. Unless you have some ridiculous expectaions, I am willing to bet there is someone out there who posesses those qualities in abundance and will be able to share in the pleasure of a fantastic relationship with you. Of the top of my head, the first one on my list would be integrity. And that is why I am not with the person I love with all my heart. And why I am working on myself so I can one day find that person.

Also, what asrai said is true. You don't seem to trust her (with good reason) and this puts a lot of strain on a realtionship. If it's always going to be in your mind and you always come back to it in arguments, you will find the realationship very difficult.

I hope this helps a little. I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think it's the truth. Good luck with everything. I will be thinking of you.

[Brutha]

How about setting her a deadline afew days into the future?
If she tells you the truth till them fine, if not Good Bye.

[CR1]

I've felt completely sound about everything today, well after this morning anyway. I really believed that perhaps I could live with her cheating on me but seriously when my mother came home from work and we sat down to eat dinner, I just felt, as I do now, upset and want to cry.

The next few weeks are going to be extremely difficult. I know she has to live here until she can find somewhere esle, so until then I'm not sure how things are going to be. I know I'm going to go through some extremes of happyness, sadness, doubt, pain, misery but who am I kidding?

I would like to think after our talk yesterday, she will change. I hope she does, and I thought by next week if she changes then perhaps, even though as you have all said, I don't trust her but then again I'm not sure if I want to go through the same things I went through to find out again. Though I'm sure I will.

I understand how you mean to work out what I want aspiring_to_clarity, I have listed all the qualities I would like to see in my partner, one of them is trust, without it, my soul cannot bare, Integrity would be the the next. She believes she's a good catholic, personally I'm not religious though I can see the understanding and meaning behind it. And thats something I find truely disheartening, she is not the person she sees she is.

Your words may not be what I would like to read and hear but they mean alot to me thankyou asrai, aspiring to clarity and Brutha.

[Doku]

People do not change. Walk away. You're definately young enough to start over. Walk away.

Need solid proof that people don't change? Ask her for the contact info for some of her ex-boyfriends. First off, if she still has the info, that's interesting in and of itsself. Second, actually contact them and see why they are her ex-boyfriends. I'll bet dollars to dimes it's for the same reasons that you will be another ex. People do not change. Walk away.

Every single one of my friends that have had people cheat on them, those people cheated on others as well. One of my exes cheated on me. I kicked her to the curb. She cheated on her next bf, and got pregnant. Married the guy. Cheated on him many times over the course of five years, and he kicked her to the curb. People do not change. Walk away.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Doku

People do not change. Walk away. You're definately young enough to start over. Walk away.

Need solid proof that people don't change? Ask her for the contact info for some of her ex-boyfriends. First off, if she still has the info, that's interesting in and of itsself. Second, actually contact them and see why they are her ex-boyfriends. I'll bet dollars to dimes it's for the same reasons that you will be another ex. People do not change. Walk away.

Every single one of my friends that have had people cheat on them, those people cheated on others as well. One of my exes cheated on me. I kicked her to the curb. She cheated on her next bf, and got pregnant. Married the guy. Cheated on him many times over the course of five years, and he kicked her to the curb. People do not change. Walk away.

I think you are right to some extent. I think inner change to some extent is not possible, but changes can be made. You can change your values, ethics, and character if you wish to. But it seems here that she is not willing to.

In this case I also advise you walk away.

[CoachChar]

People change. It definitely happens. I have no idea if this woman referred to in the post is ready and willing to change right now, but I KNOW people change because I've changed in the past.

[Believer]

I'd leave her. No matter how much you love someone, if they're cheating and lying, they have no respect for you.

You should not have to try to 'fix' things. She's making you look like a mug mate.

There's someone better out there for you.

[CR1]

I feel like a mug, I felt I loved her so much, so I guess it doesnt feel like that at the time.

On Saturday evening, though I had planned on discussing things later on in the week, as I have so much college work to do and thought it may be better to get that out the way. I broke, and basically confronted her..firstly she lied and tried to play me again, that I was jealous and hated her having guy friends, however she has had guy friends in the past so it didnt really work, this situation was different. After a while of crying and screaming at me, we stopped. Then again, I confronted her about other things, I guess I was trying to give her a message that I knew something was going on and thought she might stop the lies and tell me, but seriously I didnt think I had to explain everything for her to come clean. But I did.

Then she told me, she had thought we were on a break and started seeing this guy at work. She reckons she was going to stop it soon. She is handing in her notice at work and says she will end contact with him.

I dont believe her, honestly I wish I could. So we are starting things from scratch and I told her if she contacts him, other to tell him to **** off then we are through.

I told her she also has to look for somewhere else to live in the meantime and then when she does she can think about us, in reality. I dont really know at the moment, I just have so much work to hand in so I have to do that.

[ScottLee]

The dishonesty and lying is a bad thing, there is no debating that. But there is a portion of this that no one has come in here to mention. If the dishonesty and the pain did not end the relationship - the arguments and the restrictions you have already placed on one another already has.

Now, from what I have read here, this girl sounds like she is not exactly first rate, but there are some questions to ask. What you have got to understand is that this girl is her own person; she is not your girlfriend, she is simply your girlfriend. What I mean by this, is that you two do NOT belong to each other. Look at things in a literal perspective, because right now you are acting as though you two should belong to each other, even when in the actual reality of the matter you do not.

It is entirely unhealthy to be so upset, days afterward, weeks afterward...The mere behavior of saying, "maybe it'll be okay for her to be given a second chance," then turns into a third chance, a fourth chance - the next thing you know you are living in denial. But you would be missing a single important detail: she is her own person, and you two do not belong to each other.

Now, I know that it probably would not be easy for you to realistically consider this, but have you thought about telling her: you can be with who you want, but you have to at least let me know. If she knew that she could be fully honest with you and still be the freely living person she desires to be, then chances are she would no longer lie - she'd have no reason to.

I've dated girls in the past who, with their real feelings, did not like certain things about me. They would say one thing and do another. The only reason they did so, and I never thought about this before, was that they didn't want to upset me, but still wanted to be themselves. It ultimately would be a trait that would lead to a breakup, and another break up, and another.

If you two were to permit each other to see other people under fully honest and open terms - would there be a problem with that? The biggest mistake you might be making is saying, "Oh no, I could never handle that." I'm sorry, there is nothing to 'handle.' If the girl is already promiscuous by definition, and already attracted to other guys (but obviously still cares for you and still would like to be with you), then why fight that? Nature is nature, just so long as you would get to be with another girl.

One thing you should not do, though, is do this to save the relationship or "compromise." If your reasons for doing a polyamorous arrangement would be from those, then please - end it with the girl and break up.

Jealousy is related to posessiveness, and both are completely unhealthy for the soul.

[CR1]

We've talked again after I found she was still in contact with that guy, and nothing between them ever seems like changing. So I told her she needed time to think by herself to understand what she really wanted and I couldn't carry on finding out she was going behind my back and breaking our trust. She then phoned him and told him it was over between them, which I was shocked about but not sure if it'll last. I want to trust her but so far she has broke her word twice when I have asked her to stop contact with him.. She told me she still loves me and she won't be dishonest again. I have said she needs to prove, though I'm not really sure how she would (prove) anything to me. I don't know how to feel at the moment, she has been such a big part of my life for the past few years. I guess time will tell us whats really going to happen.

[Epiphany]

Hello CR1 and good luck with your problems.

I also live with my boyfriend and his mom, but I'm not lazy - I have 2 jobs - do house work plus I pay my share of the bills. It would of been nice if she could at least pay for her own expenses.

I seriously think she is not going to change, and after this how will you be able to trust her again? And really, is this the women you would like to spend your life with? Haven't you taken enough? Take care of your own self and tell her that she should start looking for an apartment.

Even if we all give you ''good'' advice you will still end up doing what your heart desires.

Take care

[Zen Master]

CR1, this might come off a bit harsh... but it's so obvious that I just couldn't resist saying it (as everyone so far seems to be avoiding it).

You're being a pu$$y with her.

A wimp.

A boneless wimp.

And she has no other choice but to cheat on you.

She wants a strong man, not a cry baby.

She wants a strong man who will stand up for himself, not someone who will let her walk over him, lie to him, cheat on him, and still stick around her in spite of all that.

You following so far?

Yes, I know you know it too.

And no amount of crying and discussing this with her will help you.

You need to sit down and figure out yourself (yes, with yourself, alone) what you are willing to accept in life. And more importantly, what you're NOT willing to accept in life (lies, cheating, etc - they might fall in that category).

And then come to a realization of where your boundaries are in terms of what you do and don't accept, and start cutting off people in your life when they cross your boundaries.

Warn them the first time around, and if they don't listen and ignore you, cut them off.

That's what a REAL MAN does.

He doesn't discuss it because it doesn't feel right. He doesn't cry about it. Instead, he stands up for himself and makes it known what he accepts in life and where that line is.

How can she expect you to stand up for her when you can't even stand up for yourself?

Think about it...

You want her lies to stop?

When you see her next time, pin her down and say "Admit that you are cheating on me and that you like it!" with confidence...

The amount of actual truth that might come out of her mouth might blow you away...