Flew 1, 400klm to see ex for 4 days, and 3 nights.

[Artwithapulse]

This is long. I'm very tender, sore and hurting. Everything hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of complete no contact.

Background: Together for a year. He's 28, I'm 19. One miscarriage (pill failure) 8 months in he moved interstate. I was supposed to go with him. I was finishing studies and couldn't then. Went Long Distance. Ex turned into a mean, mean man. In the first month I started talking to a man at work. It got very suggestive. Ex found out, left me. I flew up, we got back together. Split up in March when we couldn't handle the distance anymore, I cheated on him again, same man I was talking to. This man was very very in love with me and very very hurt. He hated me for a month, but we still spoke every day. He chilled out a bit. I stayed with him every step of the way to show my apologies. We didn't (and never have) gone a day without talking. Month 3 he was getting very "I still miss you, I want you, I'll pay for your flights, I'm still looking at couple accommodation."

Then he just stopped.
And I booked flights, for last Thursday.
I got back on this Tuesday night.
He insisted it was just to "hang out."

The man himself is VERY career focused (he just got his new dream job) and money focused. Hence why I was so surprised he spent a dime on me.

What happened: He picked me up from the airport (long drive there and back), was sincere and well-spoken, something he wasn't when we were together. He drove me to places I hadn't been, he told me I looked beautiful, he bought me drinks (his deal is not to buy girls drinks) and he took me clubbing. He was not a fan of doing these things for me before.

We felt like a split married couple.. still together but a distance. Very high chemistry between us, even now he says I'm still his pick of the litter of his previous girlfriends. He's unable to say he doesn't love me anymore. He wants me to come back to visit a few times. We're both very attracted to each other and more than once complimented by strangers on being a fantastic looking couple (both light eyed, tall, dark haired, high cheekbones, etc) and my explosive libido is calmed by him.

Insert insane passions here.
Great 4 days, no arguments.
Some conflicting thoughts in my head.

Pro's:

I was kissing him quite roughly, I didn't want to get intimate, and he said "no, babe, kiss me like you still love me."

He still called me "my girl."

He wouldn't let go of me all night. He's not a big cuddler.

He was thoughtful and courteous.

Jokingly said "I don't think I could live in the same bedroom as you, look at all these clothes!" with a smile on his face and a slap on my butt.

It felt exactly like the best time we were together, the whole four days.

Dreamily, "when I make my millions, I'll buy you everything you want."

The only couple of things he really said against it was when he was looking at a new house (he's relocating), he said "I don't think you should come with me, I don't want them to think you're moving in too."

And when I was leaving, "I can't kiss you, I don't want you to get upset."

When I got him he called me 4 times that night during the journey home to make sure I was okay.

So I left and sent him an email.

Me: "Do you still love me?"
Him: "Sometimes. I still feel like I just wanna do my own thing right now though."

Had an MSN conversation later:

Me: I still love you. Seeing you clinched it.
Him: I dont wanna get dragged into an emotional minefield with u. if u cant be happy with where im at in my life then im sorry. u had your chance i did my bit and now im just gonna do what makes me happy for now no stress.
Me: I appreciate that you talked to me.
Him: would you please just chill. why u rushing to get married and **** (name)
Me: I'm not. I don't want to lose you.
Him: seems like you want to seal the nail in the coffin, its silly. im not goin anywhere man. lemme make my millions i invite u up, id still be single anyway.
Me: You say that and then bam you'll have 4 kids and a wife and I'll be sitting there going when the **** did that happen.
Him: even then i wanna just chill out, i dont move into relationships very fast any more
Me: You're saying "maybe."
Him: Im trying not to say maybe because its way out in the future sometime.
Me: I still don't get it.. I like you, you like me, I'm finally where you want me completely. I feel sick thinking about anyone else.
Him: Your not where I want you. I want you to be less jittery and flighty your like a cat with a mouse. You wont know until your a bit older. Work a stable job for 6 months instead of **** arsing around at strip clubs. U might get a clearer picture then when u stop focusing on ****ing and men. You jump ship too often too jittery i dont need that jitterbug.
Me: I wanna settle with you. Hell I'd even fly down and see you every month until I could get there. I dunno, I'd make a hell of a lot more effort than I used to though.
him: I know. You make plenty. Like i did in my past, but its not about the effort its about the timing u cant change that.
(insert more of my long winded pleas)
Him: you tryin to win me like a job offer ? i dunno what to say. there is no vacancy right now but we like you and we may have a job in future

I told him I felt similar to the girl before me, the only girl he's ever strung along for a while. He said:

I told her NO because it was just silly
nicest chick but it was just not going to work out
there was no point dating her she would think it was getting serious
she cut her losses she wanted a guy pretty bad so she went elsewhere
told her i wasnt dating her from like week 3
she liked to **** and so did i, not my problem if she couldnt deal with it
same goes for you really except the difference is your not too short, your just not quite there in the head i dont think yet
i also didnt want no relationship right now

Me: but we felt like we were together this week, man.

Him: u pushing me as always i was lonely and we get on good why u gotta make it into marriage


Me, hurt: .. so I could have been anyone? Aw, **** dude.

him: there u go reading **** wrong whatever, sick of correcting u, **** sake u do it every time then u complain stfu with your fake allogations

me; so.. where we are right now, not together, not planning on being together, just friends.

him; well to be honest same place i was with (other girl) except i told her outright no im tellin u not right now i am fairly consistent in my ways your not gona just budge me with your wants and talks im a ****in clydesdale stop tugging on my ******* mane.

me; I love you and I'm sorry for everything.

him; dont pull the weird i love you im sorry card
how aobut you just chillax
u flew up here with an EXPECTATION
i told u to come hang out
u couldnt do as i told u
now you got issues

Me; Anyway, I only got anxious when I knew I was leaving again, and I'm anxious now because I know you're rejecting me.

him; Im not actually rejecting as such
Your pushing me
Im in the same mode i was in when u were here

Me; I'm trying to do the right thing and make sure you know how I feel.

him; well ****ing duh u flew up i knew it last time im not dumb u know. sigh, your being childish, short sighted.

Me: it ****ing hurts. I wanted you so much I would have done anything for you man.You made me feel really beautiful this week, Not hot or sexy or a piece of ass, No one has every done that before..

him; your going around in major circles (name)

me: say you don't love me or you don't want to be with me.

(no answer for an hour.)

Me; this whole situation ****ing sucks really hard.

Him: can you stop for tonight. srsly wtf. too much. exploding my msn. your begging. come back talk to me when u have sleep and clear head.


That was heavily chopped and censored, too long otherwise with all my words, but.. that's the gist.


Heart hurts.. the man still treated me like he loved me.
This is probably better than it looks. We're still talking about all that happened, like old friends, and he doesn't bring it up or get angry about it.. we got over that together. He knows I haven't left his side for the last 4/5 months. I dunno, guys.. I can't just be his friend. He never did like talking about this sort of thing, he gets very defensive even if we're together or not.

He reacts best when I'm calm and don't mention things. But I'm sick of waiting. He's just a chilled out guy and I don't want to get caught in a "oh don't call me hon anymore, got a girlfriend.. seeya." He wants me to come up and see him again, I could probably afford it once a month each way.

Help me proceed.

[rawxstasy]

I didn't read most of your post. Is this the same guy who hacked into all your accounts and then came on this forum talking about you like you are some little kid?


If that's him - you are better off without him. If he's treating you like crap now - it's only going to get worse.

[Artwithapulse]

Same guy, 4 months on.

4 months with no drama, we both relaxed a bit.
Last trip, he was the... ultimate man.
He's just not clear.

[Acting Like Godot]

Sounds a bit "Up in the Air" (the movie) with the male/female roles reversed.

[Artwithapulse]

I'm probably the worst movie buff on earth (seen virtually the Matrix and A Serbian Film... end movie experience) -- imbd'ing that plot, lol.

[moon]

[QUOTE=Artwithapulse;952075]This is long. I'm very tender, sore and hurting. Everything hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of complete no contact.


i think this is a good idea.
he sounds...very mean, critical, and condescending. what stood out to me is that he doesn't love you for the way you are right now. and he said so. move on, for your mental and emotional health.

[votoshka]

Well... I remember quite a few of your posts in the past about this guy, so I'm not exactly coming into this with a fresh perspective on him!

Now, if I were reading this about someone I'd heard nothing about before, I'd think you were pushing him a bit hard in that convo. I think in a sense he was right and you needed to chill instead of pushing and pushing and coming across as desperate. Nothing's sure to put him off as much as desperation!

But anyway, given all that...and remembering your previous posts about him... I'd say you're better off letting him get on with his life, while YOU get on with yours!!

[Artwithapulse]

Appreciated. We did both try, but we both wanted to see eachother, too. He probably just wanted the sex he knew he'd get, but for the first time he worked hard for it.

The fact we're still tlakin', I dunno, I can't help but feel there's something in it.

(embarrassingly, the conversation was a LOT longer than this.. this was heavily cut down -- all my words were paragraphs, not sentences.. and lots of them.)

[James81]

He's right.

And I think you are playing a game. I think that you want him because you can't have him now. I think you tell him "I love you" because, as he said, you think that will draw him in. I think you, as he said, are like cat and mouse. And right now the mouse ain't having it.

The thing is, I think you'll deny that this is a game because I don't think you're aware that you're playing the game. I think you're freaking out because you've lost control of the situation and you're trying to do whatever it takes to get back IN control. I saw lots of things you said (at just the "right" moments) that tell me that you want to be in control of this and that you're anxious because you've lost control.

How do you proceed? Do the one thing you don't want to do: Stop talking to him and move on. Get your head straight.

[danas]

Hey- I really feel for you. Its almost painful to read your post. But do yourself a favor and dont waste time on this.

I like what James wrote:

How do you proceed? Do the one thing you don't want to do: Stop talking to him and move on. Get your head straight.

Originally Posted by Artwithapulse

He's just not clear.

I think he's being very clear

Him: i also didnt want no relationship right now

Him: you tryin to win me like a job offer ? i dunno what to say. there is no vacancy right now

Him: Im trying not to say maybe because its way out in the future sometime.

He is just not interested now, why do you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you?
He sounds pretty darn mean too- maybe hes purposely doing that so that you will get the hint

[SeaRod]

Originally Posted by James81

He's right.

And I think you are playing a game. I think that you want him because you can't have him now. I think you tell him "I love you" because, as he said, you think that will draw him in. I think you, as he said, are like cat and mouse. And right now the mouse ain't having it.

The thing is, I think you'll deny that this is a game because I don't think you're aware that you're playing the game. I think you're freaking out because you've lost control of the situation and you're trying to do whatever it takes to get back IN control. I saw lots of things you said (at just the "right" moments) that tell me that you want to be in control of this and that you're anxious because you've lost control.

How do you proceed? Do the one thing you don't want to do: Stop talking to him and move on. Get your head straight.

Excellent post James; you nailed it.

The paradigm you presented resonates with my experience with younger women and makes me understand the situations I have witnessed more profoundly.

With more immature people, relationships become Power games where being IN control is top priority OVER the other person. I don't really want the other person, I just want to be able to be in control of the other person. Then it becomes a perpetual struggle-- cue in the Katy Perry song Hot n Cold.

One of the main beliefs that hinders authentic communication in these power game relationships is this belief that "I can only trust you, if I can control you". And in reality, control is the opposite of trust!

[Dulma]

I'm gonna be direct here and tell you to move on.

I didn't read most of your post because it could have been stated in a sentence: "I'm attached to my ex but things aren't working out and part of me is hurting over this."

I feel for you because I know exactly what it feels like to be in a relationship/intimacy situation that prompts you to obsess over details about specific conversations and to mull over pro's and con's. And a good rule of thumb here is, whenever you find yourself intimating all these extraneous relationship details to strangers asking how to proceed, you are in trouble. Your heart needs a break. Let yourself move on so that you can find something that flows more harmoniously and fulfills you more consistently. You deserve it, demand it!

[Spinoza]

Hi Artwithapulse

I'm fairly new to the site and clearly there is some back story here that I'm oblivious too but so far I can't tell where the confusion is in what this guy said. So I'll explain what I see so far and you can correct me if I'm wrong.

The ex-boy friend has a new job and he moved to a new city. He wants some time to grow and experience the things this new stage of his life is creating. He still likes you and perhaps wants you to come up and hang out sometime but for now he wants and needs his space so he can concentrate on his own personal development. You on the other hand know this guy is the ‘one’ and you want him to acknowledge that. NOW. You don't want to take the chance that this guy might not call you back, might go out and date someone else?

Your on a personal development site asking about what to do about someone who is asking for space to work on his own personal development? How about give him his space. It seems to me that your operating out of fear here, your scarred you’re going to lose this guy who is the 'one'. That is not a healthy way to approach a relationship.

My advice is to give him his room. I know that sounds like terrible advice right now. Doesn’t seem very proactive about getting what you want and is the opposite of what your instincts seem to be telling you and I usually recommend people trust their instincts but in this case you may have some events in your life that you haven’t fully worked out. I also think that if you really love this guy you will give him the room to grow. Part of growing personally is one figuring out what is important and not important to you. What you like and don’t like. That includes letting this guy date other people. (I know scary)

You mentioned that you had a miscarriage; this is not a trivial event in ones life. I think part of your feelings for needing something more stable might stem from this. There is nothing wrong with wanting a stable relationship actually I think that is very typical but your nineteen and you seem intent on having that right now. Like something is wrong or out of control if you don’t have that. It may stem from something else but now is a good time for Artwithapulse to concentrate on growing and developing Artwithapulse and working through any issues you may have.

How is your career going? What are your big plans? I saw this article on the site which I think would be a good read for you.
How to Create Your Soul Mate
You mentioned possibly visiting this guy once a month but you also seem to be concerned about being used. I think you need to honor that feeling and consider what would happen if you’re visiting him once a month for ‘booty calls’. I have been in a long distance relationship before. Sure those visits are fun but you need to appreciate what you’re getting out of this and what it will mean to you and him. (More not so fun advice)

So to sum things up..give him his space and spend some time developing yourself.

[gigij]

Am I missing something here? Or did you say in your opening post that you cheated on him twice?

I dunno about anyone else but that would make me pretty hesitant ...