How to tell if he likes you.

[Dulma]

If you ever find yourself wondering whether he feels the same way about you or frustrated because you can't read how he feels, then he just isn't as into you as you'd like.

If he actually likes you, you'll know.

I'm learning this the hard way but I think it's an important concept for women to learn, albeit a little hard to accept.

Just throwing this out there, hoping someone else may benefit from this realization

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by Dulma

I'm learning this the hard way but I think it's an important concept for women to learn, albeit a little hard to accept.

I'm tempted to say men, as well. Looking back on my own life with the benefit of intuition/channeling, all the women who have been attracted to me gave me pretty obvious signals, and all the ones I wasn't sure about turned out to just not be into me, or at least not enough to desire a relationship with me.

[C Brown]

Here is an example

When your boyfriend never calls you.

I've dated women for months only because they would keep calling. Once they stopped calling, we never spoke again. I didn't have any real reason to break up with them, I just wasn't that interested.

[Le Roi]

I think a lot of wondering can be solved if people just asked each other how they feel. You can share how you feel toward the other person, and ask the other person how they feel toward you, while establishing an atmosphere where the other person feels safe to answer with the truth, regardless of what that truth is.

Since I'm not really that good at reading the cues, once I start feeling for someone, I tend to just to let her know and see what her response is. That way I don't have to wonder about it, and it saves time and energy on my part (and perhaps her part if she likes me). It's not always easy, so sometimes I may not be as upfront as early as I'd like, but it's always rewarding to be upfront like that, regardless of the answer.

I wasn't always this way. There was a long time when I wouldn't tell a girl upfront how I liked her, so it was up to her to figure it out. So your method of waiting to really feel if a guy likes you may only work with some guys. With more shy guys, you may not be able to tell at all if you're just waiting.

If a girl was wondering how I feel, I'd love it if she just asked me straight away. I tend to be very honest (and gentle at the same time) with that, so I'd answer her with a straight answer if she asked me point blank. I'm sure there are a lot of other guys like that.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

I think a lot of wondering can be solved if people just asked each other how they feel. You can share how you feel toward the other person, and ask the other person how they feel toward you, while establishing an atmosphere where the other person feels safe to answer with the truth, regardless of what that truth is.

Since I'm not really that good at reading the cues, once I start feeling for someone, I tend to just to let her know and see what her response is. That way I don't have to wonder about it, and it saves time and energy on my part (and perhaps her part if she likes me). It's not always easy, so sometimes I may not be as upfront as early as I'd like, but it's always rewarding to be upfront like that, regardless of the answer.

I wasn't always this way. There was a long time when I wouldn't tell a girl upfront how I liked her, so it was up to her to figure it out. So your method of waiting to really feel if a guy likes you may only work with some guys. With more shy guys, you may not be able to tell at all if you're just waiting.

If a girl was wondering how I feel, I'd love it if she just asked me straight away. I tend to be very honest (and gentle at the same time) with that, so I'd answer her with a straight answer if she asked me point blank. I'm sure there are a lot of other guys like that.

Tu as raison.

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Dulma

If you ever find yourself wondering whether he feels the same way about you or frustrated because you can't read how he feels, then he just isn't as into you as you'd like.

If he actually likes you, you'll know.

I disagree. I find myself having huge difficulty expressing how i really feel about the girl I 'love'. Partly because we've become such great friends that i fear if i do tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, the friendship is terminated. We had a sort of unspoken bond a while back before i started making some stupid decisions in my life(drank too much), and i almost know she used to feel the same way, but i don't know if it's just the way i perceived it... she eventually told me straight up that she didn't want to associate with me because of how much of an alcoholic i was.. It was sort of a wake up call for me, and since then I've stopped drinking and don't plan on going back to it. She talks to me now, and i find myself awkwardly wedged in the friend/best friend zone once again. I almost feel like i have to go all out and tell her before its too late, because if she does feel the same, then great, and if she doesn't then, maybe that's what i need to hear so that i can move on and start a new life somewhere else. All i know is that being stuck in this limbo, or friend zone, is killing me.
Have any advice? i could use a girl's perspective...

Keep that in mind the next time you have trouble reading a guy, because sure, it could be that they just aren't that into you, but it could also be that they have their own little psychosis going on...
Guys are masters at disguising their emotions, only some won't admit it. Which only goes to prove my point

[Le Roi]

Originally Posted by Dulma

Tu as raison.

J'adore que tu me dit ca.

[Clint Cora]

Some clues with us men is if we are actually really listening to you during conversation. Are we just sitting there and glancing at other things too or are we giving you our full attention?

Also, do you hear from us either by email, text or phone just to ask how you are doing?

Are we going out of out way, and maybe even shifting a bit of our regular schedules for you?

Are we offering you more than we would offer to anybody else in terms of our time, etc.?

[Le Roi]

Originally Posted by SeizureSideSalad

I find myself having huge difficulty expressing how i really feel about the girl I 'love'. Partly because we've become such great friends that i fear if i do tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, the friendship is terminated.


Have any advice? i could use a girl's perspective...

How about the advice of a guy who has being in your position a number of time? Over the years, I've ended liking a number of girls whom I initially formed as friends with no intentions beyond friendships. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I changed the way I approached it from not telling the girl to now telling it as soon as I recognize it in myself.

I've adapted the belief of "If I start to be attracted toward my friend, then I MUST tell her or else the friendship becomes fake". If I start a friendship with a girl, and my intentions are purely friends-like, then that's great. But if I change my feelings toward my friend by starting to feel a good bit of attraction toward her, and I don't tell her, then I now feel that I'm not being honest to her. It's too easy sometimes for some guys to slip into being a friend with a girl they actually want to lay without telling her, and I don't want to be a guy who pretends to just be a friend when he actually has ulterior intentions. So, to keep the friendship totally honest, I feel that I *owe* the friendship the honesty of telling her I feel to her.

I realize that each time I do this I may end up losing the friendship. I tend to really treasure my friendships so it's not easy to do this. Yet, the idea that unless I do this, then the friendship becomes fake helps gives me the courage to risk the friendship in order to be honest.

So far, I've never lost a friendship over this, even though each time I was ready to accept that the girl may decide to end it. While some girls have said they didn't feel the same way, others have said they felt the same way, and some needed some time to sort out their feelings for me, none of them canceled or ended the friendship over this. Even more interesting, they seem generally to appreciate my honesty, felt flattered and honored, and I've even inspired one friend who didn't reprocicate my feelings at the time to go ahead and be courageous with a long time friend she herself had feelings with! .

The key when you tell your friend about this is to let go of the outcome. Realize that the principle of being honest is most important, that you owe your friend to be honest and realize that you will allow your friend to choose what her response is. You yourself simply will tell her how you feel and decide to accept whatever the outcome is.

One interesting thing I've found is when I tell a friend I like her, and she doesn't reciprocate, then my attractive energy toward her tend to diminish over time and I can better appreciate her solely as a platonic friend. My attraction energy then seem to go in some other direction.

I did that last year toward a close high school friend whom I had reconnected after a number of years of not being in touch. That was the absolute hardest person I had told because I had missed her friendship a good bit during those many years when we weren't in touch and I had really treasured reconnecting and reforming that friendship. However I had an intense attraction for her. I knew the risks when I told her and was ready to accept her ending the friendship if that was her choice even though I knew I'd miss her a lot if she chose that. I had no idea how she felt toward me, and I couldn't decipher it. Yet I knew I had to tell her or else I wouldn't be true to our friendship.

So I told her (or more specifically I wrote her an email). She hadn't realized the depth of my feelings for her and she said she needed some time to sort out her own feelings. I accepted that, and about a month later, when we were hanging out, she kissed me and we started dating and we had a really amazing and truly wonderful relationship that have touched both of us.

So, I highly encourage you to gather up your courage, decide to accept whatever outcome she decides on, write her a short note describing your feelings and see what happens. Whatever happens, you'll feel a huge relief for telling her, and you'll appreciate yourself for the courageous act.

For more on this, read Steve's excellent post related to this: Initiating Relationships with Openness, Honesty, and Directness

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

The key when you tell your friend about this is to let go of the outcome. Realize that the principle of being honest is most important, that you owe your friend to be honest and realize that you will allow your friend to choose what her response is. You yourself simply will tell her how you feel and decide to accept whatever the outcome is.


One interesting thing I've found is when I tell a friend I like her, and she doesn't reciprocate, then my attractive energy toward her tend to diminish over time and I can better appreciate her solely as a platonic friend. My attraction energy then seem to go in some other direction.


So I told her (or more specifically I wrote her an email). She hadn't realized the depth of my feelings for her and she said she needed some time to sort out her own feelings. I accepted that, and about a month later, when we were hanging out, she kissed me and we started dating and we had a really amazing and truly wonderful relationship that have touched both of us.

So, I highly encourage you to gather up your courage, decide to accept whatever outcome she decides on, write her a short note describing your feelings and see what happens. Whatever happens, you'll feel a huge relief for telling her, and you'll appreciate yourself for the courageous act.

For more on this, read Steve's excellent post related to this: Initiating Relationships with Openness, Honesty, and Directness

Thank you for your response, i found it to be very helpful. However, my next question pertains to the part i have underlined. Should i wait until i see her next in person(only happens about once a month if that, because she moved to Colorado for college) to tell her, or would that put too much pressure on the situation? I can express things through writing a hell of a lot better than through words in person, so I'd like to send an email, but i fear that this shows that i'm a (i spelled a bad word without knowing it... think of cats)*****(because it seems like if i truly want to be with her then i should be able to tell her this in person. i hate what technology has done to my ability to connect on a person-to-person basis). Maybe i'm wrong, maybe this is exactly what needs to happen, because i know for a fact that we're both very shy when it comes to love and relationships.
So basically, is an email a good way to go? I feel like if nothing else, it would lift this weight off my shoulders.
again, a girl's perspective would be nice to have, but i did find the guy's perspective to be very helpful too.

[Le Roi]

Glad it helps

I'd say do what you resonate the most with. Writing things down allows us to be very clear about things, sometimes much more clear than if we had to say it verbally. This is especially true if what you want to communicate has emotions behind it and isn't as simple to verbalize. So for this reason, most of the time, I write it down when I want to share my feelings and attraction toward a friend.

The act of sharing how you feel is what is courageous, and I've being told I was courageous a number of times for sharing my feelings by writing it down. So go ahead and write it down as that allows you to be precise in your language. It also gives her the space to figure out how she feels about it without feeling pressured by your presence. Furthermore, it also allows her to re-read the message as many times as she'd like to let it sink in.

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

The act of sharing how you feel is what is courageous, and I've being told I was courageous a number of times for sharing my feelings by writing it down. So go ahead and write it down as that allows you to be precise in your language. It also gives her the space to figure out how she feels about it without feeling pressured by your presence. Furthermore, it also allows her to re-read the message as many times as she'd like to let it sink in.

That answers my question... I think I know what needs to be done now

[jellybeanpimp]

I totally agree with you. The more guessing you have to do, the more likely it is that they aren't that into you. People tend to make these things obvious unless they don't think they stand a chance with you.

[masteredfate]

Quick story about a guy I dated once upon a time. Fantastic chemistry. Fun together. Great for 4 months, then over. Then occasional chits and chats and things. Then he moved on. Then he contacted me again. I told him I was done with dating and had moved on and we weren't hooking up. He then told me he couldn't stay away from me, and was so into me. And blah blah. I said "ok..great". He dissappeared.

This was a guy who told me he wasn't that into me. After I said I wasn't interested anymore. Years of contact.

At some point, I started giving myself the "He's not that into you- he just wants sex." speech. I spent a good few months feeling bad about myself. And then at some point I just let the feelings go, knowing that I really felt something when we were together (not just sex- just talking and being together- which he seemed to love). And that I really felt there was something there and it didn't matter how it appeared- because I didn't feel what I felt alone.

And then he contacted me before he got married. And then he contacted me after he got married. And after he had a kid.

HE couldn't let go. And why?

I don't need words.

Screw that book. 'He's Not That Into You' is another unfortunate book telling women to turn off their feelings, not to reach out to people and that love and sex are games. Not every relationship has to be a marriage. And not every relationship has to be 'serious'. Sometimes it's a one night stand, sometimes it's just a few dates. BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A GAME!

There are many people in life and love that might be "turned off" emotionally and might send all the signals of not being into you. But what if it's the woman taking the initiative to bake him brownies or call and talk to hang out with him even when he's grumpy that makes him realize that unconditional love is real? What if it's that one act of kindness, caring or friendship that awakens something deeper? Well you will never know if you use a book like that as your measuring stick. Cause it tells you to stay aloof and unavailable and play games. If you are in touch with yourself and your mind and heart are in a healthy, open space, you will feel the truth. If someone loves you, can't stand you, wants to leave you, is a fake friend..whatever. YOU WILL KNOW.

The problem is we allow insecurity to speak to us instead of the truth. And when we feel the truth we want to do everything but believe it. Why is that?

[Laurenaus]

Originally Posted by masteredfate

Quick story about a guy I dated once upon a time.

mastered one of the greatest posts ive ever read on this forum--sounded like it came from your heart. It's true though. Not everything is as black and white as we're made to believe.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by SeizureSideSalad

I disagree. I find myself having huge difficulty expressing how i really feel about the girl I 'love'. Partly because we've become such great friends that i fear if i do tell her and she doesn't feel the same way, the friendship is terminated.

Have any advice? i could use a girl's perspective...

I've seen that to be true as well. But honestly, if a guy is too afraid to admit to liking her or let her know in nonverbal ways, then it's been my experience that he and she may be better off as friends anyway.

Because what I've seen is that a guy is often afraid to admit to liking a girl if he thinks she's fantastic and he's not as fantastic. And if that's the case, then even if he manages to let her know how he feels, the connection will always be lacking in comfort and flow.

Moreover, even when a guy can't *verbally* tell a girl how he feels, if he does, she'll KNOW. It's a vibe that is emanated rather than details of what you say or what you do. I've had guy friends where I could just sense their feelings or interest in me, even if they didn't act any differently than before. It's difficult to hide, *usually*. Even if you think you are.

To respond to your situation, be upfront with her. It'll take guts but you'll be better off for it. Friendships don't actually suffer from one person admitting to liking the other. They *do* become inevitably less open or a bit more controlled and forced if one likes the other but won't be straightforward about it. Like I said, it's hard to *not* sense these kinds of vibes.

If I value a friendship for what it brings in my life, even a little bit, and if my guy friend tells me he's interested or shows it in some way and I'm not interested, there are two things can than happen and it depends on how *he* responds to the scenario: 1. he could take the rejection personally or become afraid of what I now think of him and it becomes impossible to maintain a friendship or 2. he shrugs his shoulders and realizes that if I don't feel the same way, he's better off with someone else anyway. And then he'll proceed to relax and let our friendship flow like it always did and we'll both be better off because there's openness and comfort between us.

The latter is possible if, of course, he moves on.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by masteredfate

Screw that book. 'He's Not That Into You' is another unfortunate book telling women to turn off their feelings, not to reach out to people and that love and sex are games. Not every relationship has to be a marriage. And not every relationship has to be 'serious'. Sometimes it's a one night stand, sometimes it's just a few dates. BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A GAME!

There are many people in life and love that might be "turned off" emotionally and might send all the signals of not being into you. But what if it's the woman taking the initiative to bake him brownies or call and talk to hang out with him even when he's grumpy that makes him realize that unconditional love is real? What if it's that one act of kindness, caring or friendship that awakens something deeper? Well you will never know if you use a book like that as your measuring stick. Cause it tells you to stay aloof and unavailable and play games. If you are in touch with yourself and your mind and heart are in a healthy, open space, you will feel the truth. If someone loves you, can't stand you, wants to leave you, is a fake friend..whatever. YOU WILL KNOW.

The problem is we allow insecurity to speak to us instead of the truth. And when we feel the truth we want to do everything but believe it. Why is that?

Wasn't talking about the book. But I see your point.

I'm afraid you've misunderstood; I don't advocate playing games at all. I'm for complete honesty with oneself and with others when the situation will be made better for it. And it almost always will.

Being courageous and aware enough to see and move on from an incompatible or unfulfilling connection when it's hitting you in the face is an altogether different thing, though. That's what I advocate for both men and women.

[Cochonette]

I don't agree. I find it difficult to tell if someone is into me. Albeit, I am interested in women, so it may be a little different. If we're on a date, it's easier to tell because they're more open about their feelings in terms of body language and such. But if I just randomly met them? It's hard to tell if they're looking at me that way and talking to me because they just like people in general, or if they are interested in me otherwise. There's a girl in my swing class, I can't tell if she's straight or not! I think she might be bi. She complimented my Pride t-shirt - clue #1. She's always talking to this girl who I know has a girlfriend - clue #2. She seems into me on some level when we talk - clue #3. She seemed to gladly accept my invitation to hang out and then asked for my contact info later - clue #4. She asked me if I missed her after she was away from a week - clue #5. But there are plenty of signs she might not be interested in me or might be straight as well. She talked about bringing a male dance partner, she made some comment about how people assume she's lesbian (so I'm guessing she's not), she seems more interested in that other girl than me despite her not being single, she hasn't put forth any effort to hanging out except in reciprocating my efforts, I sometimes get this look from her that seems disconnected.

But I really cannot tell. To "be interested in" someone could mean a whole range of things, anyway. What makes you think you can tell? Besides, I even wasn't interested in this one girl when we first met, but she kept wanting to hang out, so I eventually started to be really into her. What if she hadn't put forth that effort due to being limited by what she would have accurately perceived that I felt in the beginning? I also thought she wasn't interested in me, but it turns out I was just projecting.

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

But I really cannot tell. To "be interested in" someone could mean a whole range of things, anyway. What makes you think you can tell? Besides, I even wasn't interested in this one girl when we first met, but she kept wanting to hang out, so I eventually started to be really into her. What if she hadn't put forth that effort due to being limited by what she would have accurately perceived that I felt in the beginning? I also thought she wasn't interested in me, but it turns out I was just projecting.

It really depends on the person. Not everyone makes it plain and obvious. Granted, some do. There were two girls in high school that i was not interested in besides being friends, and i never gave them hints that i did like them(because i didn't), and they basically just jumped into my pants without me even asking or hinting... That's extremely obvious. On the other hand, i had very close friend that i liked for quite some time and probably gave hints to, but she was never into me(or so i thought) found out later after i had moved on, that she did in fact like me, but she NEVER made it obvious

It's not always black and white like some people on this thread are making it sound. sometimes there are other guys or girls in the mix that they also like, and they are seeing who makes the first move

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

If a girl was wondering how I feel, I'd love it if she just asked me straight away. I tend to be very honest (and gentle at the same time) with that, so I'd answer her with a straight answer if she asked me point blank. I'm sure there are a lot of other guys like that.

I second that.

[Le Roi]

Originally Posted by Dulma

Moreover, even when a guy can't *verbally* tell a girl how he feels, if he does, she'll KNOW.

That may be true for you, and for a number of other girls. It's my experience that some girls are very intuitive and can feel these things and can even automatically tell if two other people are dating each other without obvious outward signs. However, a number of girls are not like that. They aren't as intuitive, or they may have some internal block to it, or lack experience in these things. So, that advice for them may end up leading them to mistakenly think no guy is interested in her when there are guys indeed interested in her.

I also disagree with the whole notion that unless a guy tells a girl that he is interested, he's not worth having in a relationship. Maybe that works best for you Dulma, and it's ok to have that preference for your own dating. However, that advice wouldn't work for a number of girls and guys out there and would prevent a number of great dating matches from happening if it was applied to everyone. I know some shy guys who were great partner material, but the girl had to initiate things first.

[Dulma]

Update: Hmmmm. Many good points brought up. And some of you disagree and you've got some great reasons to back it up.

But here's what I was trying to get across:

If a potential intimate connection is causing you a lot of grief and confusion because you can't figure out where he/she stands, what they want, whether you two are on the same page, etc., then be kind to yourself and extract yourself from any situation that seems consistently unfulfilling, even if you *hope* things may turn around on their part soon. Soon is an illusion. How the connection makes you feel NOW is what your priority should be.

[SeizureSideSalad]

I have an update too, for anyone who may be interested...

I took Le Roi's advice from earlier in this thread and sent an email. Now just waiting on a response...

Wish me luck

already feel a lot better too

[Footballman]

Hi Dulma,

I agree with what you say. If the relationship isn't flowing in a natural way towards romance with minimal difficulty, then I think it's best we accept that something isn't ready or right for it to work...regardless of what that something may be.

A Bob Dylan quote that may be relevant..'if it's not right, it's wrong'.

[SeizureSideSalad]

Originally Posted by Footballman

Hi Dulma,

I agree with what you say. If the relationship isn't flowing in a natural way towards romance with minimal difficulty, then I think it's best we accept that something isn't ready or right for it to work...regardless of what that something may be.

A Bob Dylan quote that may be relevant..'if it's not right, it's wrong'.

Well define "natural way". This maybe true for you but not everybody...

And as much as I love Bob Dylan's music, I completely disagree with that quote. Everything has right and wrong to it, like the philosophy of Yin and Yang.

[Brutha]

If a potential intimate connection is causing you a lot of grief and confusion because you can't figure out where he/she stands, what they want, whether you two are on the same page, etc., then be kind to yourself and extract yourself from any situation that seems consistently unfulfilling, even if you *hope* things may turn around on their part soon.

If you are confused you always have the opportunity to clear the other person. Ask them where they stand.

[linviolin]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

That may be true for you, and for a number of other girls. It's my experience that some girls are very intuitive and can feel these things and can even automatically tell if two other people are dating each other without obvious outward signs. However, a number of girls are not like that. They aren't as intuitive, or they may have some internal block to it, or lack experience in these things. So, that advice for them may end up leading them to mistakenly think no guy is interested in her when there are guys indeed interested in her.

I also disagree with the whole notion that unless a guy tells a girl that he is interested, he's not worth having in a relationship. Maybe that works best for you Dulma, and it's ok to have that preference for your own dating. However, that advice wouldn't work for a number of girls and guys out there and would prevent a number of great dating matches from happening if it was applied to everyone. I know some shy guys who were great partner material, but the girl had to initiate things first.

It's reassuring to see someone put this point across; I grew up in a family and society where people are always telling me (a girl) to never ask a guy out. It always has to be the guy asking the girl, or else it would mean that the girl had to 'lower her standards' in order to make a first move, instead of enjoying the feeling of 'being chased'.

Personally I agree that directness is the best way to go, I just have a slightly difficult time finding people who agree to this point of view.

[C33]

I think that men, in general, when really attracted, even if extremely shy will take a step towards the girl.

Personally, the more I like someone, the less I show it. I avoid eye contact, and totally act like I couldn't care less. I'm the last person to notice if someone is interested in me, and you'd have to hit me with a brick to get to that realization.

Lately, I've had a big crush on somebody. I schemed to spend some time with him, to actually go beyond fantasy , I soon realized he was not into me, had a girlfriend and didn't have any interest, beyond basic sympathy.Ouch! - From my point of view, he acted interested.

He is extremely shy, but I noticed that when a really hot girl started talking to him, he opened up to her and wasn't that shy with her.( Re- ouch!)

So, I think Dulma's theory stands.
If a guy is truly attracted, he will show it, no matter how shy or uncomfortable.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by Footballman

Hi Dulma,

I agree with what you say. If the relationship isn't flowing in a natural way towards romance with minimal difficulty, then I think it's best we accept that something isn't ready or right for it to work...regardless of what that something may be.

A Bob Dylan quote that may be relevant..'if it's not right, it's wrong'.

Yeah, love that!

[Le Roi]

Originally Posted by SeizureSideSalad

I took Le Roi's advice from earlier in this thread and sent an email. Now just waiting on a response...

Wish me luck

already feel a lot better too

Awesome! Congrats.