Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

ABdude · 07-12-2011, 04:03 PM

Just curious but how do you all think about pleasing one's self while in a committed relationship? My partner and I talked about this last night and she thinks that masturbating is completely wrong when you are with someone. I, on the other hand believe there is nothing wrong with self pleasure, providing it doesn't interfere with your sex life, (everything in moderation after all). She thinks that masturbating is a form of cheating and that you should save your sex drive for your spouse/SO, while I believe that its simply a way to smooth out uneven sex drives, and have even encouraged her to do it. After all not everyone has the same sex drive, especially in today's busy world.

ButterflyWoman · 07-12-2011, 04:08 PM

I've always been of the opinion that they're my genitals and if I want to touch them, it's my right to do so. Why should anyone else care what I do in private, anyway? It's between me, myself, and I, nothing at all to do with anyone else.

And I feel the same way about my partner, too. His bits, he can fiddle them around however he wants to. What do I care?

I have to wonder about the psychology behind "masturbation is cheating". To me, it's like saying "I'm going to cook all your food, and if you cook your own food, you're cheating on me! You are to eat only what I give you, when I give it to you. And I don't care if you're hungry or if you just want a snack. You should eat more when you're home."

Sounds a bit like a jealousy problem, actually... Insecurity maybe (i.e., what if you enjoy masturbating more than you enjoy sex with me?).

Andrew Gubb · 07-12-2011, 04:12 PM

It's not cheating. I masturbate a lot, my gf doesn't mind

PraetorianX · 07-12-2011, 04:34 PM

I am right there with Caterpillar woman and Andrew. Mastubate away. And if you both like to do it, then do it together or to each other. It's all good.

Maybe the person thinks that it is an inadequacy issue? But just let them know that it isn't. Heck, if they feel inadequate that you are mastubating and think they need to do a better job, then all the better....more jollies for you.

Mariana Trench · 07-12-2011, 04:37 PM

It wouldn't occur to me to think it was cheating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

I have to wonder about the psychology behind "masturbation is cheating". To me, it's like saying "I'm going to cook all your food, and if you cook your own food, you're cheating on me! You are to eat only what I give you, when I give it to you. And I don't care if you're hungry or if you just want a snack. You should eat more when you're home."

Sounds a bit like a jealousy problem, actually... Insecurity maybe (i.e., what if you enjoy masturbating more than you enjoy sex with me?).

Yeah, I have no idea, but it sounds more than a little control-freaky!

russianrocket · 07-12-2011, 04:45 PM

Cheating, Probably because she sees you as masturbating to the thought of another person...

DancingNDaRain · 07-12-2011, 05:30 PM

Masterbation is normal healthy a bit exciting but its not cheating. Maybe she does have a few insecurities or maybe she just needs to be a little more educated. You could involve her. Have her watch fondle kiss or all of the above. Do the same for her but sounds like this will be a learning experience for her. So you will have to encourage her and be patient. Masturbating together brings a lil sum sumfin to the bedroom if you know what I mean. Good luck.

psionyx · 07-12-2011, 11:08 PM

The obvious question here is:

Have you asked why she believes it's cheating? We're all making a lot of assumptions about why she feels this way. But the only way forward is to get clarity on what she means and the reasons behind it.

Fendaril · 07-12-2011, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ABdude

Just curious but how do you all think about pleasing one's self while in a committed relationship? My partner and I talked about this last night and she thinks that masturbating is completely wrong when you are with someone. I, on the other hand believe there is nothing wrong with self pleasure, providing it doesn't interfere with your sex life, (everything in moderation after all). She thinks that masturbating is a form of cheating and that you should save your sex drive for your spouse/SO, while I believe that its simply a way to smooth out uneven sex drives, and have even encouraged her to do it. After all not everyone has the same sex drive, especially in today's busy world.

Explain to her that unless she is there 24/7, and willing to scratch the itch whenever you get it, that you have a right to masturbate in a relationship.

I mean I bet she would complain if you wanted sex constantly to right?

DancingNDaRain · 07-12-2011, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by psionyx

the obvious question here is:

Have you asked why she believes it's cheating? We're all making a lot of assumptions about why she feels this way. But the only way forward is to get clarity on what she means and the reasons behind it.

agreed!

Rezzy7 · 07-12-2011, 11:37 PM

She wanted to watch!

I don't know how it could be cheating unless it's someone else's hand. Otherwise, "Really?!? Now I can't even have impure thoughts??

aelle · 07-12-2011, 11:40 PM

If it were my partner telling me not to masturbate, I would consider it out of line. Masturbation and sex fulfil different urges (masturbation can be more about relieving tension, stress, about falling asleep easily...) so it would be pretty silly to act as if they were strictly interchangeable. Besides, I would actually find it really insulting and disrespectful to treat my partner as a walking dildo. He deserves better sex than to be a masturbation device.

Then again, I would not want to keep masturbating in secrecy and hiding it from my partner, especially if they considered it cheating (no matter how ridiculous I find the notion). I would try to talk and reason it out, give it time, maybe agree to disagree... but if that person truly and strongly believes that masturbation is wrong, it might end up being a dealbreaker.

OptimistPrime · 07-13-2011, 02:59 AM

Yeah, finding out my partner thought it was wrong for people to masturbate while in a relationship would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

ButterflyWoman · 07-13-2011, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aelle

I would not want to keep masturbating in secrecy and hiding it from my partner, especially if they considered it cheating (no matter how ridiculous I find the notion). I would try to talk and reason it out, give it time, maybe agree to disagree... but if that person truly and strongly believes that masturbation is wrong, it might end up being a dealbreaker.

Agreed!

ABdude · 07-13-2011, 02:22 PM

Last night she came downstairs for some together time, and that's when I found out the "REAL" reason she is against masturbating....

Turns out she is extremely insecure about her sexuality, that my getting myself off is a sign that she isn't fulfilling my sexual needs and that I don't want to have sex with her, (nothing could be further from the truth). This also stems from the fact that I've had problems keeping, (not getting) an erection, especially when I am tired (as was the case last night). She also seems to be focused on the outcome too much, that if I don't orgasm that its her fault somehow. I told her in an eloquent manner that my penis is mine and that whether I masturbate or not is not her concern. I also told her that she should be a bit more selfish when it comes to her own orgasms and not to worry so much about mine. Finally I told her that I do enjoy having sex with her, and that I'm more focused on being 'in the moment' rather than worrying about getting off.

I will be seeing her again tonight and plan on having a follow-up talk about getting her to open up a bit. To be continued....

elucidate · 07-13-2011, 02:33 PM

I had a partner who walked in on me pleasuring myself one day and he totally flipped out and tried to guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it, like I was cheating on him or something. I didn't stay very long after that... he was just ridiculous about it.

I guess he took it to mean that he wasn't enough for me, but really I just felt like going solo for a few minutes. It was no big deal, and he realized later that it was silly, but I think for some it boils down to being insecure about their desirability.

I think it's silly. I wouldn't batt an eyelid if I found my partner doing this, and I have before and just carried on like nothing was wrong...which there wasn't. He just felt like batting off.

ShoeDiva · 07-13-2011, 03:27 PM

Masturbation is not cheating. Someone who thinks masturbation is cheating is pathetically insecure. If anything it should be done together.

OptimistPrime · 07-13-2011, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elucidate

batting off

Haha, never heard it called that before. Now I have scary mental images of Batman.

ButterflyWoman · 07-13-2011, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ABdude

Turns out she is extremely insecure about her sexuality, that my getting myself off is a sign that she isn't fulfilling my sexual needs and that I don't want to have sex with her

Seems my guess was correct, then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ABdude

I'm more focused on being 'in the moment' rather than worrying about getting off.

My husband is like that. It's a nice quality in a lover, I think.

fanmarino · 07-13-2011, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShoeDiva

Masturbation is not cheating. Someone who thinks masturbation is cheating is pathetically insecure. If anything it should be done together.

I like this idea

elucidate · 07-14-2011, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShoeDiva

Masturbation is not cheating. Someone who thinks masturbation is cheating is pathetically insecure. If anything it should be done together.

I love doing this with a lover, especially when we first start up together. It really creates a feeling of comfort between two people that can enrich the relationship from an early stage.

The idea that you 'should' relinquish masturbation just because you now have a partner is just ridiculous, and very limiting. I would not want to be with a person who thought this way at all.

brendannz · 07-15-2011, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elucidate

I had a partner who walked in on me pleasuring myself one day and he totally flipped out and tried to guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it, like I was cheating on him or something. I didn't stay very long after that... he was just ridiculous about it.

I guess he took it to mean that he wasn't enough for me, but really I just felt like going solo for a few minutes. It was no big deal, and he realized later that it was silly, but I think for some it boils down to being insecure about their desirability.

I think it's silly. I wouldn't batt an eyelid if I found my partner doing this, and I have before and just carried on like nothing was wrong...which there wasn't. He just felt like batting off.

I think you need to install a lock on your door, in case this happens again

elucidate · 07-15-2011, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brendannz

I think you need to install a lock on your door, in case this happens again

No, I just need to make sure the person I choose to be in a relationship with is more secure in themselves than this guy was.

I have a lock on my door where I live now though.

JSB · 07-15-2011, 01:50 PM

I can't imagine why he flipped out instead of getting turned on. Sounds like he had a few wires crossed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by elucidate

I had a partner who walked in on me pleasuring myself one day and he totally flipped out and tried to guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it, like I was cheating on him or something. I didn't stay very long after that... he was just ridiculous about it.

I guess he took it to mean that he wasn't enough for me, but really I just felt like going solo for a few minutes. It was no big deal, and he realized later that it was silly, but I think for some it boils down to being insecure about their desirability.

I think it's silly. I wouldn't batt an eyelid if I found my partner doing this, and I have before and just carried on like nothing was wrong...which there wasn't. He just felt like batting off.

elucidate · 07-15-2011, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSB

I can't imagine why he flipped out instead of getting turned on. Sounds like he had a few wires crossed.

That's what I thought too. He was just a very insecure person...not much fun at all. He had short man syndrome. I mean, to consider using my own hand to be on par with cheating...there's something wrong there. If that's the case, I think I'd rather run off with my hand than stay with someone like that.

I did once walk in on a new housemate while he was jerking off, and that was just awkward. He knew I was due to move in around that time too, so it was a bit funny that he chose to do that? It was a most unusual way to start a living arrangement.

fanmarino · 07-15-2011, 02:05 PM

I know having watched my partners masturbate in front of me n the past it gets me very hot. . and them too . brings out the 'voyer' that hides within all of usand leads to a great ending

ABdude · 07-15-2011, 03:51 PM

Quote:

I had a partner who walked in on me pleasuring myself one day and he totally flipped out and tried to guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it, like I was cheating on him or something. I didn't stay very long after that... he was just ridiculous about it.

I guess he took it to mean that he wasn't enough for me, but really I just felt like going solo for a few minutes. It was no big deal, and he realized later that it was silly, but I think for some it boils down to being insecure about their desirability.

I think it's silly. I wouldn't batt an eyelid if I found my partner doing this, and I have before and just carried on like nothing was wrong...which there wasn't. He just felt like batting off.

I would be so incredibly turned on if I walked in on my girlfriend pleasing herself. I have many times encouraged her to do so if she feels the urge and I would not feel jealousy at all

The more I talk to her about the subject, the more I start to realize its not about the act of masturbation itself, but rather the consequences.

Years ago, when I was still very inexperienced with women and still a virgin, I became addicted to porn, something that still haunts me today, (which, for some reason, my gf equates masturbation with looking at naked women). Since an addiction to porn or anything else is harmful, she does have a valid argument in that aspect. The other thing she is afraid of is that by jerking off, I will not have any energy left to have sex with her. In a lot of cases, I have found that pleasing one's self beforehand actually enhances the act of sex, since you are already in that frame of mind, and can transfer that energy to your partner.

I think she is starting to become more open minded, so I'll give her more time but I am starting to get a bit frustrated by her shyness and insecurity. If there is no more progress, I may have to end it, as much as I love and care for her.

free thinker · 07-15-2011, 04:39 PM

In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time, especially for people without partners or whose partners are not willing or available for sex. Masturbation also is a safe sexual alternative for people who wish to avoid pregnancy and the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. It also is necessary when a man must give a semen sample for infertility testing or for sperm donation.

russianrocket · 07-15-2011, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by free thinker

In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time, especially for people without partners or whose partners are not willing or available for sex. Masturbation also is a safe sexual alternative for people who wish to avoid pregnancy and the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. It also is necessary when a man must give a semen sample for infertility testing or for sperm donation.

Well, wasn't that just an original thought

In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time - Google Search

free thinker · 07-15-2011, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by russianrocket

Well, wasn't that just an original thought

So. where is the problem!!! and why you mention the idea's source...;

07-12-2011, 04:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
ABdude Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 116	[ADULT] Masturbation in a relationship (NSFW obviously) Just curious but how do you all think about pleasing one's self while in a committed relationship? My partner and I talked about this last night and she thinks that masturbating is completely wrong when you are with someone. I, on the other hand believe there is nothing wrong with self pleasure, providing it doesn't interfere with your sex life, (everything in moderation after all). She thinks that masturbating is a form of cheating and that you should save your sex drive for your spouse/SO, while I believe that its simply a way to smooth out uneven sex drives, and have even encouraged her to do it. After all not everyone has the same sex drive, especially in today's busy world.

07-12-2011, 04:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
ButterflyWoman Family Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Down the infinite rabbit hole Posts: 1,575	I've always been of the opinion that they're my genitals and if I want to touch them, it's my right to do so. Why should anyone else care what I do in private, anyway? It's between me, myself, and I, nothing at all to do with anyone else. And I feel the same way about my partner, too. His bits, he can fiddle them around however he wants to. What do I care? I have to wonder about the psychology behind "masturbation is cheating". To me, it's like saying "I'm going to cook all your food, and if you cook your own food, you're cheating on me! You are to eat only what I give you, when I give it to you. And I don't care if you're hungry or if you just want a snack. You should eat more when you're home." Sounds a bit like a jealousy problem, actually... Insecurity maybe (i.e., what if you enjoy masturbating more than you enjoy sex with me?). Last edited by ButterflyWoman; 07-12-2011 at 04:13 PM.

07-12-2011, 11:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
Rezzy7 Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: West Coast USA Posts: 783	She wanted to watch! I don't know how it could be cheating unless it's someone else's hand. Otherwise, "Really?!? Now I can't even have impure thoughts?? Last edited by Rezzy7; 07-12-2011 at 11:39 PM.

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07-12-2011, 04:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
Andrew Gubb Family Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Nationality: British Soul: Otherworldly Current Location: Barcelona, Spain Posts: 5,960	It's not cheating. I masturbate a lot, my gf doesn't mind

07-12-2011, 04:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
PraetorianX Family Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Stuck somewhere in the Space/Time Continuum Posts: 1,321	I am right there with Caterpillar woman and Andrew. Mastubate away. And if you both like to do it, then do it together or to each other. It's all good. Maybe the person thinks that it is an inadequacy issue? But just let them know that it isn't. Heck, if they feel inadequate that you are mastubating and think they need to do a better job, then all the better....more jollies for you.

07-12-2011, 04:45 PM	#6 (permalink)
russianrocket Family Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida Posts: 3,302	Cheating, Probably because she sees you as masturbating to the thought of another person...

07-12-2011, 05:30 PM	#7 (permalink)
DancingNDaRain Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Jacksonville NC Posts: 23	Masterbation is normal healthy a bit exciting but its not cheating. Maybe she does have a few insecurities or maybe she just needs to be a little more educated. You could involve her. Have her watch fondle kiss or all of the above. Do the same for her but sounds like this will be a learning experience for her. So you will have to encourage her and be patient. Masturbating together brings a lil sum sumfin to the bedroom if you know what I mean. Good luck.

07-12-2011, 11:08 PM	#8 (permalink)
psionyx Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 55	The obvious question here is: Have you asked why she believes it's cheating? We're all making a lot of assumptions about why she feels this way. But the only way forward is to get clarity on what she means and the reasons behind it.

07-12-2011, 11:40 PM	#12 (permalink)
aelle Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: France - Japan - Korea Posts: 3,241	If it were my partner telling me not to masturbate, I would consider it out of line. Masturbation and sex fulfil different urges (masturbation can be more about relieving tension, stress, about falling asleep easily...) so it would be pretty silly to act as if they were strictly interchangeable. Besides, I would actually find it really insulting and disrespectful to treat my partner as a walking dildo. He deserves better sex than to be a masturbation device. Then again, I would not want to keep masturbating in secrecy and hiding it from my partner, especially if they considered it cheating (no matter how ridiculous I find the notion). I would try to talk and reason it out, give it time, maybe agree to disagree... but if that person truly and strongly believes that masturbation is wrong, it might end up being a dealbreaker.

07-13-2011, 02:59 AM	#13 (permalink)
OptimistPrime Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Vermont Posts: 726	Yeah, finding out my partner thought it was wrong for people to masturbate while in a relationship would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

07-13-2011, 02:22 PM	#15 (permalink)
ABdude Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 116	Last night she came downstairs for some together time, and that's when I found out the "REAL" reason she is against masturbating.... Turns out she is extremely insecure about her sexuality, that my getting myself off is a sign that she isn't fulfilling my sexual needs and that I don't want to have sex with her, (nothing could be further from the truth). This also stems from the fact that I've had problems keeping, (not getting) an erection, especially when I am tired (as was the case last night). She also seems to be focused on the outcome too much, that if I don't orgasm that its her fault somehow. I told her in an eloquent manner that my penis is mine and that whether I masturbate or not is not her concern. I also told her that she should be a bit more selfish when it comes to her own orgasms and not to worry so much about mine. Finally I told her that I do enjoy having sex with her, and that I'm more focused on being 'in the moment' rather than worrying about getting off. I will be seeing her again tonight and plan on having a follow-up talk about getting her to open up a bit. To be continued....

07-13-2011, 02:33 PM	#16 (permalink)
elucidate Banned Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 12,751	I had a partner who walked in on me pleasuring myself one day and he totally flipped out and tried to guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it, like I was cheating on him or something. I didn't stay very long after that... he was just ridiculous about it. I guess he took it to mean that he wasn't enough for me, but really I just felt like going solo for a few minutes. It was no big deal, and he realized later that it was silly, but I think for some it boils down to being insecure about their desirability. I think it's silly. I wouldn't batt an eyelid if I found my partner doing this, and I have before and just carried on like nothing was wrong...which there wasn't. He just felt like batting off.

07-13-2011, 03:27 PM	#17 (permalink)
ShoeDiva Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Bay Area Posts: 56	Masturbation is not cheating. Someone who thinks masturbation is cheating is pathetically insecure. If anything it should be done together.

07-15-2011, 02:05 PM	#26 (permalink)
fanmarino Member Join Date: May 2011 Location: England - not Britain/UK I AM ENGLISH Posts: 52	I know having watched my partners masturbate in front of me n the past it gets me very hot. . and them too . brings out the 'voyer' that hides within all of usand leads to a great ending

07-15-2011, 04:39 PM	#28 (permalink)
free thinker Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 10	In addition to feeling good, masturbation is a good way of relieving the sexual tension that can build up over time, especially for people without partners or whose partners are not willing or available for sex. Masturbation also is a safe sexual alternative for people who wish to avoid pregnancy and the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. It also is necessary when a man must give a semen sample for infertility testing or for sperm donation.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums