Growing a Spine (and Asking Out a Stranger)

[jamestl2]

Alright, here’s my situation: I have never so much had a date or talked to many girls before, much less a girlfriend, so I have never done anything like this before. I’ve seen this woman who used to ride my bus (I’ve recently moved), and I’ve found her attractive.

We both attend the same college, and I have seen her sitting in the Union recently, and I’m willing to bet she doesn’t even know me, I don’t even know her name. I want to ask her out and get to know her better, but I don’t know what to say, and I want to be a gentleman about, and be prepared for all possible responses. For example, she says:
No, I don’t know you well enough
No, I already have a boyfriend
I’ll think about it
Sure, where would you like to go
Etc.

I wouldn’t know how to respond, so I need suggestions of what to say. Also wondering how you guys would feel and respond if a total stranger just walked up to you. Should I be expecting rejection in this situation? I could greatly appreciate any advice for my situation.

Thanks

[Mayo]

Start with a smile then see how it goes...

[uberinquisitive]

Women are like ovens - you need to warm us up first!

I feel weird when strangers ask me out. I venture that 90% of women also feel weird.

I would recommend a couple things:
- Women notice your clothes. Dress impeccably from this point on. Look through GQ and Maxim magazine at Borders or Barnes & Nobles. Women are much more likely to talk to a stylish man.

- Ice breaker: next time you see her in the union, go up to her and simply say, "Hi, I've noticed we take the same bus, etc. etc.. I'm James, what's your name?" Extend your hand to shake. SMILE and repeat her name with a "nice to meet you."

- After some small talk like "so, what are you studying?" then wave and say, "it was nice talking to you, see you around!" And remember, during the small talk, be humble and don't talk too much about yourself. Guys, when nervous, start to ramble on about themselves. Keep focused on making her feel special.

- Don't be afraid to smile. Girls find it adorable when guys have shy smiles on their faces.

Once you get an "in," the next time you see her, it will be natural to build another conversation. Then another. And then you'll be able to learn more info about her, as well as gauge her interest.

If you want to know more about women, why don't you read up about them? Read some popular girl magazines and books. Watch some chick flicks (great place to learn how to approach women!).

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

- Ice breaker: next time you see her in the union, go up to her and simply say, "Hi, I've noticed we take the same bus, etc. etc..

This wouldn't work because like I said, I moved and haven't ridden on the same bus for probably at least 5 months.

Also, How would you recommend warming up to her? What I mean is I don't want to go to deep into the "Friend Zone", not that I wouldn't mind being her friend, but that is as far as I have ever gotten before (I mean the few times I have talked to women, I have been used by them before).

[Joe826]

Girls aren't the most receptive to being asked out directly. What motivation do they have to go out with you, other than to be nice or because she likes the way you look physically?

You don't have to drop yourself in the friend zone, but you should interact with her a bit before you ask her out. Just try to strike up some conversation and chat for a few minutes, then when it's time for you to part ways, tell her you enjoyed talking with her and wanted to do it again over coffee or something.

Regardless of how you do, I think you should go for it.

[Obiwan]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

I want to ask her out and get to know her better, but I don’t know what to say, and I want to be a gentleman about, and be prepared for all possible responses. For example, she says:
No, I don’t know you well enough
No, I already have a boyfriend
I’ll think about it
Sure, where would you like to go
Etc.

I wouldn’t know how to respond, so I need suggestions of what to say. Also wondering how you guys would feel and respond if a total stranger just walked up to you. Should I be expecting rejection in this situation? I could greatly appreciate any advice for Alright, here’s my situation: I have never so much had a date or talked to many girls before, much less a girlfriend, so I have never done anything like this before. I’ve seen this woman who used to ride my bus (I’ve recently moved), and I’ve found her attractive.

We both attend the same college, and I have seen her sitting in the Union recently, and I’m willing to bet she doesn’t even know me, I don’t even know her name. my situation.

Thanks

!. Take a DEEP breath. Keep doing so...

2. With authority ask her, "Who are YOU?"

3. Lead her to the coffee shop and proceed to know her better or give her your number if pressed for time.

Know what you want and see if she fits your qualifications, e.g. cute, single, giggly girly girl, etc.... Works 10 out 10 times!

[bettyboo11]

Aww, I think most girls would be very flattered to know that they have been admired from a far!

I wish guys would have more courage sometimes because I have heard things about guys telling their friends that they like me or are attracted, but they were too shy to do anything about it. And then you always wonder..

But I agree with the above poster. 95% of the time, girls will feel uncomfortable if a stranger asks them out..unless that 'stranger' is Brad Pitt or someone.

I know it must be scary for you, but just try to get a conversation going. I think being sincere and honest always works (at least for me)

"Hi..I'm sorry to bother you.." -- smile! be a little apologetic, since being approached by a stranger is always a bit disconcerting

"I saw you on the bus a while ago and I thought you were really pretty." - honest..straightforward.. yeah its taking a risk but no doubt she'll be flattered, if nothing else!

"what's your name? what are you studying here?"
- now get to know her a little bit, and while you're talking notice how she reacts to you..if she's friendly and a bit shy, that's good. but see if she takes any interest in you and asks you any questions, or if she simply answers your questions with one word answers. also see if you're still attracted.. i hear some girls are really pretty until they open their mouths! haha.. i mean maybe she's pretty but you wouldn't mesh with her personality. if you guys are too different (and quickly run out of things to talk about or have excrutiating silences) or if she just seems bothered and annoyed, i probaby wouldn't move on to the next bit..

"I was wondering if you'd wanna get a cup of coffee sometime?"
- coffee = ideal "date" because it's not to romantic and simply means talking and getting to know each other. then take her number or give her yours.. or get her AIM or something.
or you could wait to ask her out on this 'quasi'date until you have talked to her a few more times.. i'm assuming you see her around quite a bit. she would be much more comfortable doing this with you if you dont feel like a stranger anymore.


to be totally honest, if the guy was nice enough i'd definitely give him a chance. having the confidence to do something like this is a big turn on! just don't be too aggressive.

be prepared for:

"im sorry, i have a boyfriend right now and i don't think he'd be comfortable with that"
although, i always feel bad saying this.. sometimes the guys ask me out so sincerely and nicely that i give them my number and just don't return their calls =X and then i feel stupid about ever giving my number in the first place.. i'm too 'nice' like that sometimes.
although i did tell a cute boy that one time.. and had i not had a boyfriend i really would have liked to see him again. so don't take this as flat out rejection.

also be prepared for her being a stone-cold b*tch..which also happens sometimes. there are a lot of girls out there who like to refuse everyone just so they feel hotter and more secure. this can hurt, but you'll inevitably encounter them if you wanna date.. just be glad you can move on then!

hope this helps.. let me know how it works out! /cheers you on!

[Joe826]

great advice betty. you sound like a girl i'd like to meet. most guys fear the "stone-cold b*tch", but in my experience, these girls are few and far between. especially in a daytime setting instead of at a bar or a club.

go for it James. no matter what happens, it's a good experience to have.

[jamestl2]

Thanks for the advice

Originally Posted by bettyboo11

to be totally honest, if the guy was nice enough i'd definitely give him a chance. having the confidence to do something like this is a big turn on! just don't be too aggressive.

What are some tips to make sure that I do not mess up and be too aggressive?

Originally Posted by bettyboo11

be prepared for:

"im sorry, i have a boyfriend right now and i don't think he'd be comfortable with that"
although, i always feel bad saying this.. sometimes the guys ask me out so sincerely and nicely that i give them my number and just don't return their calls =X and then i feel stupid about ever giving my number in the first place.. i'm too 'nice' like that sometimes.
although i did tell a cute boy that one time.. and had i not had a boyfriend i really would have liked to see him again. so don't take this as flat out rejection

Let’s say she does, what can I say to her, such as thanking her for talking to me, or apologize for interrupting her, because I would not want to just “walk away” from the conversation, but I also wouldn’t want it to be awkward.

[Obiwan]

It's polarity, yin and yang. Give her the steering wheel and she will crash you both on purpose everytime. They don't want the power, you must lead at all times.

Originally Posted by bettyboo11

"Hi..I'm sorry to bother you.." -- smile! be a little apologetic, since being approached by a stranger is always a bit disconcerting

"I saw you on the bus a while ago and I thought you were really pretty." - honest..straightforward.. yeah its taking a risk but no doubt she'll be flattered, if nothing else!

No no no. Sharing a few orgasms with someone is hardly the worst thing you can do to someone. Be shameless, Be a MAN.

Try this, "Hey, don't take this the wrong way or anything, But GOD your Beautiful!"

"what's your name? what are you studying here?"
- now get to know her a little bit, and while you're talking notice how she reacts to you..if she's friendly and a bit shy, that's good. but see if she takes any interest in you and asks you any questions, or if she simply answers your questions with one word answers. also see if you're still attracted.. i hear some girls are really pretty until they open their mouths! haha.. i mean maybe she's pretty but you wouldn't mesh with her personality. if you guys are too different (and quickly run out of things to talk about or have excrutiating silences) or if she just seems bothered and annoyed, i probaby wouldn't move on to the next bit..

Stay away from logical questions, you can talk about that stuff later. Keep them emotional at first.

Then say, "I want to ask you a question."

Ignore whatever says and ask,
"Are Single?"
"What Kind of girls do like?"
"Do live alone or with your parents?"
"Do you have brother and sisters?"
"Do you get along with them?"
etc.., just don't start talking about the war in Iraq or where she works or what classes she takes.

"I was wondering if you'd wanna get a cup of coffee sometime?"

If the girl qualifies herself to you, e.g. She's single, likes girls, has a sense of humor (Good indication of an open heart), etc...

I like to stick out my arm and go, "Come along."

It doesn't really matter how you close.

to be totally honest, if the guy was nice enough i'd definitely give him a chance. having the confidence to do something like this is a big turn on! just don't be too aggressive.

I like give women just enough rope to hang themselves with.

be prepared for:

"im sorry, i have a boyfriend right now and i don't think he'd be comfortable with that"
although, i always feel bad saying this.. sometimes the guys ask me out so sincerely and nicely that i give them my number and just don't return their calls =X and then i feel stupid about ever giving my number in the first place.. i'm too 'nice' like that sometimes.
although i did tell a cute boy that one time.. and had i not had a boyfriend i really would have liked to see him again. so don't take this as flat out rejection.

also be prepared for her being a stone-cold b*tch..which also happens sometimes. there are a lot of girls out there who like to refuse everyone just so they feel hotter and more secure. this can hurt, but you'll inevitably encounter them if you wanna date.. just be glad you can move on then!

There are three responses to, "Are you Single?"
1. "Yes." Party Time!

2. "No." (She's either seeing someone or lying.)
My typical response is to say, "Oh cool. Well I'm sure that your boyfriend or girlfriend is very lucky guy or gal. Nice meeting you."

3. "Why do you ask?" I'll say, "I'm just curious."

There's nothing at all wrong with looking for love, after all WE ARE Sexual Beings. Just have standards, BREATHE and if this particular girl doesn't meet them once you feel her energy, play the numbers game and find one that does.

[bettyboo11]

LOL..well there you go..two very polarizing methods for you to go about.. i guess it's his word or mine.

to each girl her own.. i'm sure obiwan has hooked many a girl with his approach, but i wouldn't be one of them!

What are some tips to make sure that I do not mess up and be too aggressive?

i was gonna tell you the obvious, like keep your hands to yourself, dont ask her out right off the bat (although obiwan would disagree with me there, and perhaps some other girls would as well)

example: i met a guy at a party last weekend.. we talked for about 2 minutes and got as far as "where are you from" and when he was telling me that he was from arkansas, his hands were ALL over my face and hair and head. it was pretty ridiculous, like a scene from a sitcom or something haha. he was drunk but that's still no excuse..i felt like i just got ravaged by pepe le pew..

example 2: this guy literally ran after my friend as she was leaving starbucks.. (thats too extreme.. whatever you do to chat a girl up, it should NOT involve running). he said that he had to talk to her and he was couldnt help noticing her the whole time she was sitting there. he asked if she'd go for lunch sometime.. she said sure. THEN he said "well how about now? i'll bring my car around! wait right here!" in her shock (and stupidity, she could have been raped!) she got in and went to lunch with him. she has a boyfriend, mind you..and this whole incident occuring as in the end very comedic. this is an example of someone who is too overeager. you want to make sure a girl wants to go with you, instead of shocking the hell out of her and leading her around while she's in a daze..lol.

obiwan's method strikes me as very aggressive and i probably wouldn't respond, but i won't deny that some girls like that. i find the more attractive/charming a guy is, the more likely he is to get away with a method like that.. but for the rest of you, stick with the tried and true!

what can I say to her, such as thanking her for talking to me, or apologize for interrupting her, because I would not want to just “walk away” from the conversation, but I also wouldn’t want it to be awkward.

it doesn't have to be awkward if she has a boyfriend..just smile and say, "well, i thought i'd take a chance. it was nice talking to you..see you around!"

the cute boy i mentioned knew that i had a boyfriend the whole time we were talking, because i mentioned it early on. he was really nice and we got along great. at the end of the night, he came up to me and asked if my boyfriend would be uncomfortable if he got my number. well when he put it THAT way, and he said it so shyly, i felt guilty and said probably..but told him that if i ever saw him again (he was a regular at this bar) i would give it to him. he would have been a nice friend, but i'm sure i averted some problems later on with my boyfriend because i knew we had mutual attractions.

i don't know tho..lets hear from the other ladies! interesting thread i think

[poetrythug]

Start with just talking to her, and getting to know her. You really need common ground before you can ask her out -- before you even know that she's someone you'd want to go out with.

Here's something that's really good practice -- make it a daily habit to start a conversation with one cute girl (a stranger) every day. I usually approach girls by saying, "I just wanted to come over and say hi. My name's Brian." Then we start talking. I ask out a small fraction of the girls I talk to, because we have to have something in common and I have to like her beyond finding her attractive. Don't worry about the friendzone issue -- girls are usually attracted to guys who show initiative, and starting the conversation or asking her out is showing initiative -- and even if she isn't interested in you romantically, it's more important that you did the courageous thing and moved beyond your comfort zone. That's how all growth happens.

[jamestl2]

Well, I saw her in the union this morning and she sat at the table “right in front” of me, and I felt like I was about to faint, I had no idea how to approach her and I didn’t want to talk as I’m tripping over my own words and being unprepared, and as weak as I was feeling at that point.

I also had some more questions for later on that I needed to know about, if she is to say yes, should I ask her where would “she like to go” or should I just make a suggestion of where “we should go” like lunch in the cafeteria? And should I giver my email / number or should I ask for her email / number, since I am the one asking?

Also if she were to say no, I am still unsure of what would be the most respectable, least rude way to exit the situation?

[munish]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Well, I saw her in the union this morning and she sat at the table “right in front” of me, and I felt like I was about to faint, I had no idea how to approach her and I didn’t want to talk as I’m tripping over my own words and being unprepared, and as weak as I was feeling at that point.

Also if she were to say no, I am still unsure of what would be the most respectable, least rude way to exit the situation?

"Are you a man or a mouse?"

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by munish

"Are you a man or a mouse?"

Right now I'm a mouse, that is why I am on these forums, trying to get advice on how to become a man (lol).

[Freelancer]

This is just my suggestion so take it as you want;

I don't think anybody is going to fight over me that the majority of the girls out there like confident men, also its important to recognize that girls are more emotionally driven than men.

If you want to have a good shot you have to be confident in yourself, without confidence your odds plummit into the ground regardless of 'the method'. The 'method' obiwan is suggesting only works if you bring it in a confident and playfull manner and is designed in such a manner to make it appear your confident.

My idea regarding bettyboo's 'method' is that although its what most girls think they rationally want there emotions say otherwise. Now this is in NO way to disregard girls in any way or this method, I'm sure it works for some girls. In general however girls like confidence and a playfull attitude, if your body language is sending signals that your confident than what you say doesn't matter that much anymore (unless you directly insult her, and even THAT might work sometimes). So work on your confidence than the words will follow naturally.
Its ok to start with mundane stuff in the beginning (school/age/occupation etc.) but be sure to move the discussion somewhere else relatively fast (like faster than your intuition tells you). Everybody gets bored if thats all you talk about.

My suggestion is to work on gaining confidence by approaching various other girls and focus on just having a good time. Also stop the negative self talk. That talk has a tendency to remove any kind of confidence you have. When your done with all of this and still crave for this particular girl (in other words your not dating other girls ) than you can approach her. Note that the general focus of this is that your increasing your own confidence, this girl is NOT the end of the world and will not be your future wife. So stop spending all your mental energy on thinking about her (don't deny it, its true ) and instead work on yourself and at the same time improving your odds with her.

Almost forgot another side effect of more confidence is that you can pay attention to HER reactions instead of YOUR emotions, if your confident in your emotions and worthyness than you stop worrying about yourself and start focusing on her. If you actually notice her body language than you can pick up clue's if she's interested, just look for it when your approaching other girls. If you practice enough you can tell if a women is interested most of the time, how usefull is THAT?

[Joe826]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Well, I saw her in the union this morning and she sat at the table “right in front” of me, and I felt like I was about to faint, I had no idea how to approach her and I didn’t want to talk as I’m tripping over my own words and being unprepared, and as weak as I was feeling at that point.

I also had some more questions for later on that I needed to know about, if she is to say yes, should I ask her where would “she like to go” or should I just make a suggestion of where “we should go” like lunch in the cafeteria? And should I giver my email / number or should I ask for her email / number, since I am the one asking?

Also if she were to say no, I am still unsure of what would be the most respectable, least rude way to exit the situation?

I think you should probably stop reading this thread immediately and just go with whatever happens. You're already WAY overthinking it, and all this step by step advice isn't helping matters. If you have all this junk in your head when you finally approach her, you'll bomb for sure.

Heck, you might bomb anyway, but that's ok! There are tons of girls out there, and if getting into a relationship with a cute girl is something you want to do, the sooner you get started the better. Just have fun with it.

[Brien]

I agree with Freelancer and with most of what Obiwan said.

Stop negative self-talk. In fact, don't even think about negative self-talk in any capacity. Don't try to avoid it. Just do the opposite, positive self-talk. Start being confident. Not just acting confident or "faking it" or whatever. That does you no good.

An attitude that may boost your confidence: You do not need anything from this young lady. You are not asking her out. You are simply introducing yourself and giving her an opportunity to become part of your life. All you need to do is give her an open door.

That said, here's some specific advice:

1. Next time you can, as soon as you notice her, go talk to her. Maybe do some boring factual smalltalk but quickly move on to more fun things. Find out what she likes, what her values are. Make her enjoy the emotions she has when she is with you. Once she's smiling, or laughing, or staring deep into your eyes (heh), or whatever, make an exit. Don't overstay. Keep her wanting more.

2. So now you "Have to get going". Do not "ask her out on a date". You are just talking. If that was enjoyable for the both of you, then you are just suggesting you continue talking later. Because it was fun and you both want to do it some more. It's NOT A DATE.

3. Don't take a simple "No" for an answer. Why not? Because you didn't proposition her. You just asked to talk to her more later because right now you have to leave. Try to work around whatever excuse she gives you "I have a boyfriend, I'm so busy, etc" If she said no, don't treat it as a rejection. Maybe she's intimidated and acting out of fear, Maybe you messed up Part 1. That's okay, just try again next time you see her. That'll give her another chance. Remember, she didnt turn down a date or any other such formalized courtship nonsense. So the "most respectable, least rude way to exit" is simply treat is as if it didnt happen. You still "have to go", so just leave politely, hinting that you'll see her again later sometime.

Alright well that's all pretty wordy. Here's the summary.
1. Approach her right away, get smalltalk over with, talk about things that make her feel good, and then say you have to go.
2. Try to set up a time to talk to her again.
3. If she gives you her number or tells you to meet her for coffee or whatever, great! If not, then simply leave with a smile on your face. Do not feel rejected or anything negative. That's not what happened. You did not ask for a date (I cannot stress this enough). She must not think that you "needed" anything from her. It was an equal exchange; she had no power over you.

Okay, now to reply to some other specific posts in this thread:

James, you asked if you should give her your phone#, email, etc. The answer is NO. Let her give hers to you.

...its more important that you did the courageous thing and moved beyond your comfort zone. That's how all growth happens.

Very true, poetrythug. Push your limits. Dont hesitate. Also, do not focus on just this one woman. Talk to other women, get used to having positive, emotional conversations with women. It's fun and everyone wins. Plus, once you really are interested in someone, it wont be any trouble to break the ice.

Try this, "Hey, don't take this the wrong way or anything, But GOD your Beautiful!"

I disagree with this part Obiwan! Do not fawn over her! If she is really that beautiful, she will be sick and tired of hearing that. It will call to mind all the losers she's turned down; you will start off being lumped with them. If she isn't all that beautiful, she will be suspicious of your insincere flattery. And either way, you are already setting yourself up for an unequal exchange. You'll already be putting her in a position of power. She will not find this attractive.

i was gonna tell you the obvious, like keep your hands to yourself, dont ask her out right off the bat

First of all, jamestl2, bettyboo's advice, like all women's advice when it comes to this, has to be considered very carefully. DO listen to their stories of failed pick-up attempts. DO NOT listen to what they say they want. No offense to any women, because this goes for people in general. They dont know what they want. That said, when it comes to betty's advice:

On asking her out right away:
Betty is so very right about this. Do not subjugate yourself to her. It's lame; it's boring. She will not be interested in "being asked out". Just have fun and invite her for more.

On touching:
Don't "keep your hands to yourself", but also dont be like that boy that she described. Don't be grabby or start touching the face or other sensitive areas right away. Any idiot knows that. Do, however, make some sort of physical contact. Maybe touch her arms or hands lightly as you two talk. Especially when something good or happy is being discussed or laughed about. This should come naturally and should happen early in the conversation. I dont really know how to explain this. Maybe it's a cultural thing?

Heh Americans remind me of Japanese business men sometimes. Standing a meter apart, bowing politely and barely making eye contact. DONT DO THAT. Touching reminds her that you are a man, a human being. Not an androgynous robot.

Well that's all the advice I can think of right now. Good luck!