Growing a Spine (and Asking Out a Stranger)

[jamestl2]

So I’ve decided the next time I see her I am going to approach her, how exactly, just not sure yet, will probably just do it naturally. However, I need some answers:

1. Are hobbies, music etc. good topics to ask about the first time we meet? If not, then what are some examples of things to talk about for a first get together?

2. Is touching (gentle kind, not inappropriate kind) and sitting right next to her too intrusive for a first encounter?

3. If things go well, I am going to ask her to have lunch with me (this isn’t aggressive, right?), so should it be the same day we meet or perhaps “tomorrow”? Also would it be better if I offered to buy for both of us to eat, or should I bring my own lunch, like I normally do (Is this tacky or not)?

[Brien]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

1. Are hobbies, music etc. good topics to ask about the first time we meet? If not, then what are some examples of things to talk about for a first get together?

Yes those are okay topics. Try to get her to think about/experience emotions as she's talking to you. If you bring up hobbies and she says biking or jogging or whatever, ask her what she likes best about it, have her describe what it feels like to be on a runner's high or some such other pleasant sensation/feeling. Be very responsive when she tells you about it as if you are experiencing it in that moment.

Also, try to learn about her, not just what she likes to do in her spare time, but what really makes her tick. What she values, what makes her feel good. If you have those things in common, reflect those values back to her.

2. Is touching (gentle kind, not inappropriate kind) and sitting right next to her too intrusive for a first encounter?

Well you already know my advice on this, but it cant hurt to repeat it. Definitely sit right next to her. And yes, I think that gentle touching is a good idea. She probably wont even think anything of it. It will let her know on a subconscious level that you are a sexual being. Even if she does notice and is a little surprised by it, once you do it a few times she will come to expect it.

As for where and how to touch, touching on the shoulder and elbow for example are very neutral. You can simply do that as you pass by or whatever. Gentle caresses of the hands is for later. Whatever you do, be natural and confident.

3. If things go well, I am going to ask her to have lunch with me (this isn’t aggressive, right?), so should it be the same day we meet or perhaps “tomorrow”? Also would it be better if I offered to buy for both of us to eat, or should I bring my own lunch, like I normally do (Is this tacky or not)?

Yes if things go well you should cut them off at a good time (while she is still in a good mood and before things get stale) and set up another time to talk. It can be lunch or coffee or whatever. Do NOT buy for her. It may be seen as both too forward and too supplicating. She will not find this attractive.

As for bringing your own lunch, just do what you normally would. You're just meeting up for another chat, remember? It is not a date.

Good luck!

[ArthurHung]

2. Is touching (gentle kind, not inappropriate kind) and sitting right next to her too intrusive for a first encounter?

I am in disagreement with Brien here--you obviously don't really know what you are doing (yet), so just be interesting, a good listener and wait for her signal/ her touching you first. The signal will come if you're acting right, don't force it before it happens. When you don't know what you are doing and show a nervous type of gentle touching (without a hint to do so) instead of a confident type of touching, nothing good can come out of that.

[Brien]

Originally Posted by ArthurHung

2. Is touching (gentle kind, not inappropriate kind) and sitting right next to her too intrusive for a first encounter?

I am in disagreement with Brien here--you obviously don't really know what you are doing (yet), so just be interesting, a good listener and wait for her signal/ her touching you first. The signal will come if you're acting right, don't force it before it happens. When you don't know what you are doing and show a nervous type of gentle touching (without a hint to do so) instead of a confident type of touching, nothing good can come out of that.

Hmm that's a good point Arthur. Yeah if you can't be completely confident in touching her (not just ACTING confident; there's no such thing), it may come off as nervous which would be very bad. If just talking to her is stretching your comfort limits then maybe touching is too much.

If you cannot touch her and be completely natural and confident in doing so, then do not. Wait until you are more comfortable around her. Approaching other women will also help you become less fearful and more confident.

Actually, on that note, you should probably stop focusing on this one woman. Meet other women, get used to approaching them and getting good conversations going. Once that becomes natural for you, start working in some light touching. You need some practice. Three forum pages is too much for something that should have taken place in a couple minutes.

This is the problem with focusing on one woman; you are spending too much time trying to get your approach perfect. The only way to do that is to practice. You have to try new things without fear of "messing it up" with "someone special".

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Brien

Actually, on that note, you should probably stop focusing on this one woman. Meet other women, get used to approaching them and getting good conversations going. Once that becomes natural for you, start working in some light touching. You need some practice. Three forum pages is too much for something that should have taken place in a couple minutes.

This is the problem with focusing on one woman; you are spending too much time trying to get your approach perfect. The only way to do that is to practice. You have to try new things without fear of "messing it up" with "someone special".

Actually, I already do talk to other women, who have also touched me, flirted with me, etc. But in these past situations THEY are the ones who initiate contact / conversation with me. Although they never seemed interested in me beyond friendship (Yes, I have asked them out later etc.) The only difference is I am the one starting the communication in this scenario. Once, I get past the fear of making the first move, I think everything will be alright.

[benj]

James mate,

I had a similar situation years ago (at high school), 'obsessing' about a pretty (but not amazingly so) girl that I'd never spoken too. After a couple of years of that I caught on to something that you might find useful...

The fear of rejection probably isn't what's causing you problems. I bet the real problem is that by now, you've imagined talking to her many times over, the first conversation, and everything that follows (politely), you've imagined your relationship together. You probably already think you know what sort of person she will be - in your head you've designed a whole personality for you. And I would bet that 'she' is absolutely perfect - everything you could hope for (after all, why would you create a fantasy of anything less).

If that's true, how much pressure is it putting on you right now? You have to go up to your 'soul mate' (as she appears in your head) and present yourself well enough to get her approval - and if you make one small mistake, then that's a huge opportunity blown...right?

If that rings any bells, then re-consider the reality of the situation. Although she's pretty, she's probably only one of hundreds of pretty girls at your uni. And personality-wise, as you know next-to-nothing about her, she is just as likely or unlikely to be 'perfect' as any single other girl there...

So really, you have no more to lose by speaking to this girl than by trying to approach any 'ugly' girl that you don't have any attraction towards. So take the pressure off yourself. She could be mind-numbingly boring, incredibly self-absorbed or just too high maintenance to be worth bothering. You really don't have anything to lose.

And as for the 'perfect' girl that you (may) have created in your head, she will exist somewhere, you just have to be patient until she turns up

Hope that helps...and i hope she's not a disappointment as well

PS. Just to mention, you'll find out pretty quickly that a lot of very pretty girls will bore you senseless in minutes...don't fall into the stereotype that all beautiful girls have great personalities (the reverse works for less pretty girls as well!)

[jamestl2]

Well, I guess most of this was for nothing. I recently browsed facebook and came across her profile, and she was listed as in a relationship. Now that I know she has a bf, I’m not going to approach her, because I would not want to get involved in anything like that.

I still appreciate all the advice I got and perhaps I can put it to good use when I meet someone else I take an interest in.

[poetrythug]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Well, I guess most of this was for nothing. I recently browsed facebook and came across her profile, and she was listed as in a relationship. Now that I know she has a bf, I’m not going to approach her, because I would not want to get involved in anything like that.

I still appreciate all the advice I got and perhaps I can put it to good use when I meet someone else I take an interest in.

I would say, still approach her. Walking up to a girl and starting a conversation with her doesn't mean you're going to ask her out or start dating her. You could have a cool conversation. You could brighten her day. You could make a cool new friend -- and platonic girl friends are awesome to have because they give good advice about fashion, and about how to talk to girls. Furthermore, starting conversations with cute girls is a good skill to practice, and it doesn't matter if she's single or not for you to talk to her.

The more practice you get, the easier it will be to start a conversation with the next girl who you ARE really interested in!

(By the way, I started a conversation with a girl today in the park, and I was soooooo nervous about approaching her. She was super cute, and there were all these people nearby who I knew would overhear, and I was afraid of being embarrassed if it didn't go well. Finally, I did it. It turned out she was having a really bad day and was really sad. . .not exactly open to being swept off her feet by a handsome stranger. But I made her smile and really brightened her day -- and knowing that I had done that brightened my day too.)

[ken nubo]

Eh, just get to know her, get comfortable, get her number and go out on a date.

I'm a pick up artist instructor (no big deal, I just coach guys on dating professionally) and here is some random shizzle I write about dating here:

dating archive

[babuji]

James.. I sense the problem is that you're too focused on succeeding with one girl... therefore putting added pressure on yourself to approach her 'correctly' the first time...

To really get to the stage of feeling comfortable, simply experiment.. you're young and lucky enough to have a college setting as your playground... there are tons of people on campus that you can approach.. Even if you don't have an attraction to a person, simply work on striking up conversations with random women.

A good way to break your fears.. is to go to a random mall, grab a clipboard and some made up survey questions.. and only approach women and ask them if they'd be willing to answer a few questions related to your survey (pick a survey topic as something they're interested in - clothes, make-up, shoes, etc... ) Simply practice looking them in the eye with confidence.. and smile :-) This will really help boost your confidence in approaching random people.. and if you find receptive (and cute).. just simply tell them it's time for your break, and would they like to join you for a cup of coffee?

Nevertheless, like I mentioned before.. don't place the unnecessary pressure of trying to get it right with one woman.. there are soo many interesting women out there.. but all it requires is your initiative to talk to them.. All fears are meant to be broken.. and I'm sure you'll break yours soon enough.. b/c you seem motivated to do so..

A quote from Napoleon Hill:
"Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or a greater Benefit."

Don't be afraid to fail... Good luck!

[ken nubo]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

So I’ve decided the next time I see her I am going to approach her, how exactly, just not sure yet, will probably just do it naturally. However, I need some answers:

1. Are hobbies, music etc. good topics to ask about the first time we meet? If not, then what are some examples of things to talk about for a first get together?

2. Is touching (gentle kind, not inappropriate kind) and sitting right next to her too intrusive for a first encounter?

3. If things go well, I am going to ask her to have lunch with me (this isn’t aggressive, right?), so should it be the same day we meet or perhaps “tomorrow”? Also would it be better if I offered to buy for both of us to eat, or should I bring my own lunch, like I normally do (Is this tacky or not)?

1. Sure, hobbies and music is cool. Keep it light and fun.

2. Not at all. In fact, light touching can be the difference between stuck in the friend zone and being in a relationship

3. No, asking for lunch isn't aggressive. It's the natural thing to do. Asking for straight up rigorous sex is aggressive. Haha, umm, I suggest you buy lunch, so it isn't so tacky.

As for buying her lunch, you can buy your own lunch or buy her lunch, it's no big deal.

Just have fun, take, don't be nervous and you'll fly brother!

[Brien]

So you've heard all kinds of differing advice and opinions on your situation. Be sure to keep us updated. I'm curious.

Heh, I bet none of our advice ends up being useful and things turn out great anyway.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by poetrythug

I would say, still approach her. Walking up to a girl and starting a conversation with her doesn't mean you're going to ask her out or start dating her.

I would have to say this wouldn’t work, since I am bad at approaching strangers, she would probably see right through me (And I have started conversations with people I don’t normally talk to).

Originally Posted by ken nubo

Eh, just get to know her, get comfortable, get her number and go out on a date.

Like I said before, I am NOT going to intrude on anyone else’s relationship, it wouldn’t be right, even more-so since I don’t know her.

Originally Posted by babuji

A good way to break your fears.. is to go to a random mall, grab a clipboard and some made up survey questions.. and only approach women and ask them if they'd be willing to answer a few questions related to your survey (pick a survey topic as something they're interested in - clothes, make-up, shoes, etc... ) Simply practice looking them in the eye with confidence.. and smile :-) This will really help boost your confidence in approaching random people.. and if you find receptive (and cute).. just simply tell them it's time for your break, and would they like to join you for a cup of coffee?

I don’t quite have the guts or social skills to pull off something of that magnitude. I’d probably prefer something smaller and less intrusive (rather than be like an annoying poll giver that randomly talks to whomever they meet). Besides I wouldn’t even know who to ask or approach.

Originally Posted by Brien

So you've heard all kinds of differing advice and opinions on your situation. Be sure to keep us updated. I'm curious.

If your asking what am I probably going to do about this girl now, most likely nothing, I’ll leave her be. However if I encounter another stranger (who appears to be interesting AND single), I will try to put all of the advice I learned to good use.

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

I would have to say this wouldn’t work, since I am bad at approaching strangers, she would probably see right through me (And I have started conversations with people I don’t normally talk to).



Like I said before, I am NOT going to intrude on anyone else’s relationship, it wouldn’t be right, even more-so since I don’t know her.



I don’t quite have the guts or social skills to pull off something of that magnitude. I’d probably prefer something smaller and less intrusive (rather than be like an annoying poll giver that randomly talks to whomever they meet). Besides I wouldn’t even know who to ask or approach.



If your asking what am I probably going to do about this girl now, most likely nothing, I’ll leave her be. However if I encounter another stranger (who appears to be interesting AND single), I will try to put all of the advice I learned to good use.

Suggestion;
-When you go outside and move around the world try to keep eye contact for a few seconds longer than your normally comfortable doing (note this is NOT staring).
-If you can do that comfortably give that random stranger a smile
-If you can do that comfortably say hi to that stranger, you don't have to do anything else.
-If you can do that comfortably you'll notice conversations with new interesting persons will start to spring up around you
-If you can do that comfortably you keep making the challenge a bit bigger.

Oh and don't go looking for a 'smart and available+beautifull young lady' by LOOKING, do that through talking to females and you might find one. Merely looking is quite ineffective...

[Flash1988]

Ur putting way too much focus on the interaction which means when its happening u will have planned for it to go awesome and if it doesn't you will be disappointed because it might not have gone the way you wanted.

Now I think its cool that your willing to open a stranger. I'm working on this myself. Except, the way to become good at it (yes, skilled like how u become skilled at a sport) is to practice. Just have fun with it. Don't be so outcome dependant.

I have watched DoubleYourDating and Deangelo has awesome advice. It certainly helps you to realise the mindset of someone who is successful at pick up. But I think a better choice is RSD (real social dynamics, google it).. Seriously its about self-actualisation. Basically its about being HIGH value and knowing your high value, internalising it. Talks a bit about not proving yourself. Subcommunication. Like, instead of verbally saying "I am high value". One of the things you do could communicate ur high value by giving a weird facial expression if the girl says something weird or tries to sh**-test you.

I appreciate everyones trying to give you good advice and that's awesome.

But remember.. Approval seeking/neediness/value-taking and all this insecure stuff is a NO NO.

I could write an essay on this, seriously. I admit I still have to internalise it all myself. Intellectually, I'm very familiar with all this. Internalising it is a completely different thing.

Just go for it if you haven't already.
--------------------------
I'll leave my above post but I read some more of the comments...

Approaching and chatting to a stranger (if you have never done it before) is one of the most difficult things to do... Even if your all pumped up and motivated to do it.

Imagine your already dead, ok? Now you don't have a physical body anymore. You just reflect on what you have done in life. Will you be satisfied that you decided not to approach? Its unlikely but that girl could be the best f*** buddy / wife / companion ever.

What makes this stranger different to any other stranger.

Its your ego that holds you back. That's natural aswell. Imagine how much better you would feel knowing that you just tried. Do you not deserve a hottie in your life? Thats a question only you need to know the answer to.

ITS ALL ABOUT GETTING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

Was there a time when you couldnt walk? Ok, what did you do until you could walk? You practiced, without even knowing what you were doing! Now you do it without even thinking. Now you can walk backwards, jump and land on your feet and have a conversation at the same time!

Just think again... When your on your death bed, will you regret having NOT approached?
If you DO APPROACH and she "rejects" you, will you regret that?

[jamestl2]

I appreciate all the advice, however, in a previous post I mentioned:

Originally Posted by jamestl2

OK, I have made female friends before. Some I’ve met talked to me and gave me impressions that they were interested, while others were just strictly platonic (Don’t want to release all of my dirty laundry over internet forums).

Well these problems came back and now I am going to have to deal with them, rather than worrying about some stranger.
It's pretty personal (even for internet forums).

Thanks Again

[Flash1988]

thats a bit of a poor excuse but whatever lol

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Flash1988

thats a bit of a poor excuse but whatever lol

Whoa, hold on, the only reason I am not approaching her is because she already has a boyfriend, not because she's a stranger, wasn't sure if you read that in my previous post or not.


Besides, I wasn't expecting her to come back, after I told her I didn't think I should see her anymore.

[jamestl2]

Well, those problems I mentioned are now gone (I have been having really stressful time due to what happened, and would prefer not to talk about it, not to mention final exams, etc.) , so anyway...

If anyone else has any more advice on approaching Women, that would be great.

[VacMan]

jamestl2,

Although this site may seem a little brash and I personally don't define myself as a "player."

I had similar problems in the past with approaching women, and I don't think it's really ever "easy" to do. But this site Fast Seduction 101: Art of Pick-up and Seduction helped me SOO much, it's unbelievable.

I went from not being able to talk to women, to going out to clubs with my buddies and we'd play games together like:

-First person to dance with a girl starts the game.
-The other guys have 10 minutes to "rebuttal" by dancing with another girl or they owe everyone a drink.

No one ever lost

I'm not using any of this information any longer because I was able to find myself an incredible woman and we've been in a very serious relationship for almost 2 years. I attribute a large amount of that success to the information on Fast Seduction 101: Art of Pick-up and Seduction

A lot of people on that site have the philosophy that they don't want to be in serious relationships. That's not my style, so you can apply the information to work for you in whatever way you see fit.

Have fun! It's actually really cool when you start the ball rolling!

[poetrythug]

Most of the "seduction" websites and literature are filled with BS, and strategies for hitting on drunk party girls. . .you really have to weed through a lot of BS to find the good information. And you have to be careful who you listen to in the community of those who read seduction literature -- about half are genuinely good guys who want to have better relationships and who love women, and the other half are sleazy.

You're better off starting with some really simple basics:

1) Make a habit of starting a conversation (or at least trying to) once a day with a cute girl you've never met before.
2) Get to know her.
3) Don't hesitate to tell a girl you think she's cute. You don't have to be timid or to apologize for being a man who appreciates women.
4) If you like her, get her number and tell her you'd like to see her again. If you are worried about falling into the "friendzone" and having it be undefined whether you and her would be getting together as friends or as a date -- ask her, "Are you single?" It shows more confidence to make clear your interest, while not coming on too strong. If she's single but not into you, she'll either say so, or she'll lie and say she has a boyfriend even though she doesn't. If she says, "Yes," it means she likes you. (When you ask a girl that, and you're into her, she knows what you mean. Girls are a million times more socially perceptive than guys.)
5) Accept the fact that you will screw up, you will get rejected, you will say stupid things, and you will run out of things to say with some girls. That's part of learning and growing. And when you screw up it might make you feel bad briefly, but it won't hurt you in any real sense. The sooner you accept this and are okay with it, the sooner you will get courage. I screw up with girls all the time, and it's okay. Any guy who will tell you he hasn't ever screwed up with a girl, is either lying, or has never taken a chance in his life.

[Erock]

JamesT, I'm going to try to help you because I feel your pain.

Why you should never go on a date with a girl:

You may think I'm crazy. I mean you have to go on dates with a girl to get to know a girl better and create a relationship right? Yes, you and a girl have to be present in the same room to get to know each other better, but the mindset of going on a date is destructive because it goes against the natural process of male-female interaction, and that's why it is so *** difficult to ask a girl out on a date. Subconsciously, you know it's the wrong thing to do.

Let me put it this way, intentions between males and females are not meant to be verbalized. They can most definitely be verbalized, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but that's not how it happens naturally. James you need to realize right now that 95% of communication is non-verbal and implicit. In all circumstances, this type of communication needs to happen first. The only time a women or man verbally states their intentions and it’s not awkward is when the nonverbal communication has made it extremely obvious what is going to happen, and the statement is an afterthought.

So why should you never ask a girl on a date? Because most of the time, when a guy wants to ask a girl on a “date,” they want to do it before communicating their intentions non-verbally, and if 95% of communication is non-verbal, you are making a huge leap, and that’s why it is so awkward.

If you could shut off your internal dialogue and let your subconscious mind handle talking to girls you will have great success, because believe me, it knows *exactly* what to do. It’s innate.

This is your situation:

You're walking in the cafeteria and you see this girl. You're attracted to her, and before your logical mind engages, you sit down at her table. **implicitly says, I’m interested.

You start talking-it doesn't matter what you say-and she responds favorably, because you're a cool guy and when you don't think too much you let your natural personality show. **implicitly says, I’m interested. By giving attention to you she has shown her interest as well.

Without even thinking about it, you touch her lightly, and she touches you back. You are both looking at each other in the eye, and smiling at each other. **nonverbally says you are both interested.

You ask her what she is doing later, and she suggests hanging out later that evening.**it is obvious that you both want to hang out, and asking her is an after thought.

Usually it won’t be this smooth, and a lot of times she will be with friends or in a group with guys, but if she doesn’t respond to your nonverbal and implicit communication, then you just stop and move on. I have had this happen plenty of times, and it's amazing how you will just let go of her if she doesn't respond to your implicit and non-verbal communication. Your attention will just move to something else. If at another time (when her friends, or her boyfriend aren't around) she starts nonverbally communicating with you, you will naturally start becoming interested again and pick up where you left off. Trust yourself, you know what to do.

Erock

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Erock

JamesT, I'm going to try to help you because I feel your pain.

Why you should never go on a date with a girl:

You may think I'm crazy. I mean you have to go on dates with a girl to get to know.....
......Trust yourself, you know what to do.

Erock

Is this an example of how women supposedly "test" men to see how strong and attractive they are?

[Zen Master]

Originally Posted by Erock

JamesT, I'm going to try to help you because I feel your pain.

Why you should never go on a date with a girl:

You may think I'm crazy. I mean you have to go on dates with a girl to get to know a girl better and create a relationship right? Yes, you and a girl have to be present in the same room to get to know each other better, but the mindset of going on a date is destructive because it goes against the natural process of male-female interaction, and that's why it is so *** difficult to ask a girl out on a date. Subconsciously, you know it's the wrong thing to do.

Let me put it this way, intentions between males and females are not meant to be verbalized. They can most definitely be verbalized, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but that's not how it happens naturally. James you need to realize right now that 95% of communication is non-verbal and implicit. In all circumstances, this type of communication needs to happen first. The only time a women or man verbally states their intentions and it’s not awkward is when the nonverbal communication has made it extremely obvious what is going to happen, and the statement is an afterthought.

So why should you never ask a girl on a date? Because most of the time, when a guy wants to ask a girl on a “date,” they want to do it before communicating their intentions non-verbally, and if 95% of communication is non-verbal, you are making a huge leap, and that’s why it is so awkward.

If you could shut off your internal dialogue and let your subconscious mind handle talking to girls you will have great success, because believe me, it knows *exactly* what to do. It’s innate.

This is your situation:

You're walking in the cafeteria and you see this girl. You're attracted to her, and before your logical mind engages, you sit down at her table. **implicitly says, I’m interested.

You start talking-it doesn't matter what you say-and she responds favorably, because you're a cool guy and when you don't think too much you let your natural personality show. **implicitly says, I’m interested. By giving attention to you she has shown her interest as well.

Without even thinking about it, you touch her lightly, and she touches you back. You are both looking at each other in the eye, and smiling at each other. **nonverbally says you are both interested.

You ask her what she is doing later, and she suggests hanging out later that evening.**it is obvious that you both want to hang out, and asking her is an after thought.

Usually it won’t be this smooth, and a lot of times she will be with friends or in a group with guys, but if she doesn’t respond to your nonverbal and implicit communication, then you just stop and move on. I have had this happen plenty of times, and it's amazing how you will just let go of her if she doesn't respond to your implicit and non-verbal communication. Your attention will just move to something else. If at another time (when her friends, or her boyfriend aren't around) she starts nonverbally communicating with you, you will naturally start becoming interested again and pick up where you left off. Trust yourself, you know what to do.

Erock

Not bad... it's just that your advice might go well over james' head...

He is still stuck in his head.

Thinking what he needs to SAY verbally in order NOT TO mess up...

What he really needs to do is accept the fact that women KNOW exactly why you're approaching them (you're talking to them = you are interested in them somehow).

Now, he needs to get out of his head, and into her head first and foremost.

He seems to be trying to be interesting... come up with a cute line or an interesting topic to talk about.

But if he would only be confident enough to ask her questions that he wants to hear the answers to (where is she from, what does she like about that place, how does it make her feel to go back there, etc, etc) it would be a lot easier for him...

You want to be interesting?

Be interested in other people first and foremost. As there's nothing more interesting to people than that

[WayToTwilight]

I want to share some of my success with you James because I feel that I'm a lot like you, in terms of confidence and talking to girls. In high school I never had the courage to do anything like this, but over time, and throughout my college years (i'm a junior in college now) I've grown a lot, made more friends and even started to do some public speaking.

Throughout high school and up until sophomore year in college I was a huge nerd (nothing wrong with nerds though!) that never had the confidence to meet people yet alone talk to an attractive girl! I just holed myself up in my room playing video games.

But I stumbled upon this website in sophomore year and I just grew from there. I took some of this thread's advice and I all have to say is that I have another phone number in my cell phone now.

Today, I was in the library studying and this cute girl sits next to me! (I was sitting at a circular table where there are 6 partitions and each partition has a computer console at it, so she sat to my right, think of a pie cut into 6 equal pieces, and each person sits on a piece of the pie). Well I went outside to make a phone call and asked her to watch my stuff (I had a laptop with me). She seemed really nice. At some point some guy who knew her, sat next to her and talked to her and he studied for a while. I was pissed because I had planned to talk to her and I thought, "CRAP! It's over, I missed my chance. I have to deal with this guy now!" Later on, she left and asked me to watch her stuff. Then I thought to myself, why did she ask me if she could've asked the guy she knew? Or rather, wouldn't friends already look after each other's stuff? Later on he left, much to my surprise. At that point I pretty much decided I HAD to ask her out because I knew this was an opportunity for me to improve my confidence and hopefully get this girls phone number. I had only really asked one other girl out in my life (and I got shot down) so I knew, I had better get started and get used to talking to girls and asking them out.

Soon, after the library began to close. They turned off the lights and I started to pack up. I had originally planned to go on ahead of her, wait outside the door pretending to 'fumble' with my skateboard and then talk to her. Well instead she packed up way faster than me and headed on out. At this point I felt dejected because I thought I had this great plan and it was ruined. But I told myself, "DON'T LET HER GET AWAY, THE DOOR (figuratively) HASN'T CLOSED YET!!!" Well I slowly caught up to her (I didn't want to seem desperate by running after her).

I walked adjacent to her and said "Thanks for watching my stuff" and I introduced myself. Afterwards we talked about what she studied, where she lived, what plans we had after college, concerts (the day before our college had a huge all campus concert called the sungod festival) and before I knew it we got to her car. She said bye and I said bye and I was about ready to give up (at this point I was feeling REALLY REALLY nervous, even though our conversation went very smoothly, what can I say, attractive girls make me feel like jello! She also had an especially sweet voice). I began to walk off but I KNEW I had gone sooo far and it'd be a waste if I didn't ask her out! Well I turned around and asked her for lunch or coffee nonchalantly and she said yes, except she said she'd have to wait after finals, which was fine by me, because I knew I was gonna be swamped as well. Then I said we should exchange phone numbers and we did. Actually I typed her phone number 2 times into my phone and each time I closed it without saving because I was so nervous, thank god she was so nice about it, otherwise I looked like a complete loser for doing something like that. And the whole time I was typing in her phone number, my legs were SHAKING LIKE MAD!! NO JOKE! I literally felt like jello. I had such a hard time keeping control of my leg.

So what I'm saying is, you don't need to be truly confident (that will come in time as you talk to more girls i guess) but at least exude confidence. Technically I didn't ask her out on a date, just to coffee or lunch so I'm not out of the waters yet BUT at least I got my foot in the door AND A PHONE NUMBER!!!

SO JAMES!!! GO OUT THERE AND DO IT!! You're still a sophomore in college right? Well you have plenty of time!! GET TO IT!!! Seriously this was a huge leap in my own personal development and I know it will be too for you once you start going out and talking to girls!! And remember...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

Good luck!

[Peter S C]

In short, don't overthink things and just go for it. Its natural for your head to fill with thoughts relating to being turned down and embarrassed but you just have to push these out of your head and go for it. I suggest you practice talking to strangers you don't have an interest in initially to build up your confidence. Good luck!

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Whoa, hold on, the only reason I am not approaching her is because she already has a boyfriend, not because she's a stranger, wasn't sure if you read that in my previous post or not.


Besides, I wasn't expecting her to come back, after I told her I didn't think I should see her anymore.

James, what did you think would happen if you had approached her?

That she would fall instantly in love with you, dump her boyfriend and make you feel guilty for tearing up a happy perfect relationship - which, btw you inferred from a website and not even with your own eyes?



Dude, if I sound like I'm busting your balls, I am. But here's the lowdown on me, I've been where you are but after years of stalling I finally picked up some skills of initiating to know strangers.

The thing is, you are taking this way too seriously all in your own head my man. I have been there and the longer you stay in there, the worse things will get for you.

I don't think you're ready for my advice, but I'll give it anyway. Go and talk to this girl. Be prepared to crash and burn. But at least you'll have made something happen in reality rather than just in your own head.

Then, brush it off, and go approach at least 3 other strangers. Then you'll realize how much of a big deal...it isn't.

[rakinishu]

..if you don't plan on dating her any more because she has a boyfriend then befriend her. Having a Female Friend won't hurt, especially a girl you find attractive.

raki
--
Dating Tips: DiClassified

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by rakinishu

..if you don't plan on dating her any more because she has a boyfriend then befriend her. Having a Female Friend won't hurt, especially a girl you find attractive.

raki
--
Dating Tips: DiClassified

I don't understand how you can be "just friends" with someone you find attractive.

Besides I wasn't exactly obsessing over *just her*, I was having *other female problems* and I figured, at that time, I might as well just approach her to see how it might go.

[Chinese Dragon]

You have to be friends before you can be boyfriend and girlfriend. Even if she's attractive you have to start somewhere.

In my opinion turning a girl friend into a girlfriend is much harder. I'm friends with a girl I find attractive and I'm still not sure how to turn our friendship into something more.