Polyamory - Practice makes perfect?

[aschlievert]

My boyfriend is polyamorous. I did not know this until a few months ago. In fact I was the one to discover it. He had always been open and honest with me from day one, but he described himself as a swinger. After much frustration, the pieces of the puzzle just didn't fit. What he was describing to me, the feelings he had just didn't fit a "swinger" persona. So I did some research and read an article on polyamory. It described him so well that I broke into tears not knowing if it was something I could participate in.
Not wanting to let go of the first true love I've felt in a long time, I listened and agreed to try and learn his life style for personal growth and the continuation of our relationship. I'm find certain aspects difficult, like venturing on my own to connect with other people very difficult, or being open to the concept of being psychically intimate with others. Or letting him be intimate with people I don't know very well. I was wondering if anyone knew of some exercises that I could try that may be able to assist me in my development of this life style. When I read about what polyamory is all about, it gives me confidence, and I know it's what I want, I just need a bit of help getting there. Thanks!

[Clint Cora]

I think you have to listen to your own heart. After know more about that type of lifestyle, if something deep inside tells you that it's not for you, then you ought to be honest with yourself and let him go.

If this is something you truly want, then ask him how best to integrate that lifestyle. After all, he's the experienced one. But again, don't be blinded by love that might not be compatible.

[ssandra]

There are a few things that jump out at me.

First off; even if he is interested in other relationships doesn't mean that you have to as well. Do what you feel is right for you, not what you are "supposed" to do.

second: Think hard about your resistance to this idea. Does it come from a place of jealousy and fear? Or does it come from a place for truly preferring a monogamous relationship?

If it is the first one, work on this, work on releasing the fear, on your own self esteem for the jealousy.

If it is the second one, realize that polyamory isn't for everybody. Some people genuinely prefer monogamy and there is nothing wrong with that either.

Think long and hard if you want to be with someone who cannot give you what you prefer in a relationship. It can be that this is a deal breaker for you, or not.

There isn't any one set of rules for relationships. You make your own rules.

If for example you only feel comfortable with him connecting with people who you know well, you can talk about that. And if he agrees, make that one of your rules, that you first get to know them.

There is nothing set in stone and the great part of it is that you can make your relationship exactly the way YOU want it

[ZenPhysicist]

I thought polyamory was generally used to describe 3 or more people all in a relationship with each other. What you are describing seems to be more the concept of an open relationship. Either way, I think Sandra's advice is best.

[russianrocket]

Originally Posted by ZenPhysicist

I thought polyamory was generally used to describe 3 or more people all in a relationship with each other. What you are describing seems to be more the concept of an open relationship. Either way, I think Sandra's advice is best.

Nope, that is not what polyamory is. I mean, it can be part of it, but one partner doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with who the other partner is with.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by ZenPhysicist

I thought polyamory was generally used to describe 3 or more people all in a relationship with each other. What you are describing seems to be more the concept of an open relationship. Either way, I think Sandra's advice is best.

Unless at least two of the people involved are attracted to the same sex, that's not even feasible.

[Ajna]

If you have to get comfortable with this idea I would say it probably is not for you. Personally I like polyamory more than monogamy especially at this point in my life. Having said that I find a lot of people like to use polyamory as a way to protect themselves from being hurt and/or holding people emotionally at arms length. Neither do I think is fair.

For me it is all about companionship, I like to do things that typically do not fit a one size fits all. For example I like politics and policy one guy I used to date is an analyst and we have the best discussions but he does not want to hang out hiking or being silly at Dave and Busters he wants to get dressed up and eat at great restaurants and pontificate current policy which is I do enjoy sometimes. Then I was dating another guy who is more laid back and into movies and video games so that is what we do when we are together. Do these guys know about each other specifically no, but generally yes...in other words they each knew I dated other people but there is no group date or anything odd like that. I guess the reason is I was emotionally attached to each one of them and was grateful for the time I had.

So here is what my positives are for this type of relationship:
I had these amazing authentic relationships with multiple people and I am growing from each of them.
I learned how to communicate my needs and thoughts as well as understand accept those of my partner, in the past my needs would get jumbled with my partners and often I wanted to force my partner to be what he was not because I was missing something.
Last is truth and giving which I think we all get.

The last thing I will say is not all polyamory relationships are sexual. I mean I am sure some want and need to sow their wild oats and that is totally fine. But typically I seek out emotional intimacy.

At some point I hope to be in another monogamous relationship but right now it is not for me actually dating is not for me right now but that is a whole different story.

I think if you have to try and get comfortable with this idea or you want to do it to maintain a relationship with someone who chooses this I think you may be choosing against your own personal truth. There is nothing wrong with loving a guy and wanted or even needing them to love only you.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Ajna

If you have to get comfortable with this idea I would say it probably is not for you. Personally I like polyamory more than monogamy especially at this point in my life. Having said that I find a lot of people like to use polyamory as a way to protect themselves from being hurt and/or holding people emotionally at arms length. Neither do I think is fair.

The OP already said they felt it was for them. And, anyway, I disagree. In a society where monogamy is the given, and the OP only just discovered what polyamory is, it is hardly surprising for that person to need to get comfortable. ESPECIALLY considering that the OP has been in what was thought to be a monogamous relationship and will need to readjust perspectives on the current relationship, which I find particularly difficult. Most people do as well because otherwise they wouldn't freak out when the relationship changes from sexual to platonic. I have been in neither a committed monogamous nor poly relationship, and I believe I would have to get comfortable with either of them - I haven't decided which is for me. Perhaps both are for me. It's looking like I might actually start my dating/relationship life out as poly 'cause I have been dating a lot of poly people. And then it would be monoamory that I'd then have to get comfortable with later, whereas earlier in my life it was the opposite because I always imagined myself with one person. Just because a lot of people make such-and-such mistake hardly means that the OP is going to do so.

I had a monogamous friend tell me once that I need to try monogamy out before polyamory, just because. I don't think that makes sense and is biased in favor of monogamy.

[Ajna]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

The OP already said they felt it was for them. And, anyway, I disagree. In a society where monogamy is the given, and the OP only just discovered what polyamory is, it is hardly surprising for that person to need to get comfortable. ESPECIALLY considering that the OP has been in what was thought to be a monogamous relationship and will need to readjust perspectives on the current relationship, which I find particularly difficult. Most people do as well because otherwise they wouldn't freak out when the relationship changes from sexual to platonic. I have been in neither a committed monogamous nor poly relationship, and I believe I would have to get comfortable with either of them - I haven't decided which is for me. Perhaps both are for me. It's looking like I might actually start my dating/relationship life out as poly 'cause I have been dating a lot of poly people. And then it would be monoamory that I'd then have to get comfortable with later, whereas earlier in my life it was the opposite because I always imagined myself with one person. Just because a lot of people make such-and-such mistake hardly means that the OP is going to do so.

I had a monogamous friend tell me once that I need to try monogamy out before polyamory, just because. I don't think that makes sense and is biased in favor of monogamy.

Personally I think that the OP sounded like he/she was trying to get excited about group dating and wanting to hold on to her guy which really is not the same thing.

As for you it sounds like you are getting comfortable dating which to me is its own battle. Once you like dating then I would think it would be easy to decide if you want to date one person at a time or multiple people at a time.

Forgive me if I sound judgmental but I also think to many people try to hard to get comfortable with something they really do not want to be comfortable with. I think they do this to fit in with a group or a person and to me you deny your highest self when this is your choice.

I also want to be clear I do not think there is anything good or bad about monogamy or polyamory they are each choices.

[Michael Chui]

I don't have any specific exercises for you, but I'd suggest googling the term "poly/mono". Your problem is not rare whatsoever, and there are lots of people in the same situation who could give you insight from their experience.

But above all, overcommunicate. Make sure he knows how you're doing, so that he can work with you.

[munish]

Originally Posted by ZenPhysicist

I thought polyamory was generally used to describe 3 or more people all in a relationship with each other. What you are describing seems to be more the concept of an open relationship. Either way, .

If you want to learn about polyamory , read Spiritual Polyamory by Mystic life.

Polyamory means 'to experience Love Beyond form'.

Monogamy is a system that overvalues sex.

[aschlievert]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I can see the concerns that would be surrounding this. I'm fully aware that there is a possibility that this life style, could very well not be for me. But I'm a firm believer to try it before you knock it. I didn't even know it existed or it was possible, or that people had these kind of relationships. So yes, it's awkward at first. I've never known anything like it. But I have a partner that truly 100% adores me, is so loving and supportive, and we communicate like crazy. We know it's going to be a lot of work,but I believe it's worth it. My discomfort definitely comes from a place of fear, as we talk I figure out more about myself. Being intimate with people I don't know well, isn't for me. (maybe once in a blue moon after a few too many tequila's.... sure, but I prefer to have longer lasting relationships) So we talked about it and agreed to make stronger connections with people before we go further. On that note, I agreed to try to make better connections in general. I have had the same 2 best girlfriends for the past 4 years, many other women have tried to enter this circle, and few have survived. I have an inclination to judge and outcast women in my life without really giving them a real chance. One thing I love about my partner is he see's the good in everyone. Doesn't matter who you are, he's there ready to shake your hand and welcome you full heart-idly into his life. Innocent till proven guilty. I have a lot of good things to learn from this man. And in the end If I decided this isn't what a I want. I know he'll be sad to let me go, but he will.

Recently we've made some progress. We've met a couple that are in the same situation as us. Recently engaged, except she is poly, and he is new to the idea. It's been great making a connection with them.
I have been "dating". It's been fun, but slow moving progress. I keep telling my partner that we are still in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship. We've been together for a year, but we act like it's been a week. Constant snuggles and touching. As soon as I get "sick" of him (jokingly of course) I'm sure i'll be able to easily venture off.