[ADULT] About my (sexual and other) relationship with my husband

[ssandra]

In the past I have written sometimes about the differences in sexual drive between me and my husband, and about the fact that we have an open relationship.

It was the only area of my relationship that I wasn't 100% satisfied with. All the other area's of course had it's ups and downs (both on my side as on his) but over all it was mostly up, and even the downs weren't that bad .

About a year ago I became too frustrated with the lack of sexual intercourse in my relationship. Since we have an open relationship, I decided to go out more, make friends, and while at it, find someone to have a friendly relationship with that includes sex.

I found some great people. People that normally I could have seen myself have sex with. And I realized something... I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I ONLY want to have sex with my husband

It took me a while to admit that too myself (let alone say it out loud to someone else), but there it is.

Does that mean that we are monogamous now? No. I still don't see the point in that (for me). Does it mean that I will not have sex with others? Yes, for the moment it means that. I would still be open to it, but I'm pretty sure that unless something strange happens, I won't be having sex with anyone else but my husband.
Will he still have sex with other people? That's completely up to him If he wants to? Yes, he can. I don't mind (hell, I even gave him some tips on how to pick up girls yesterday ).

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Someone very smart and wise once told me that if there is any area in your life that isn't working exactly the way you want to, it is because you are not being at cause in that area.

My reaction to that was "I understand, but in this case it is not me, it is him!" (talking about the sexual frustration of course ).

Slowly I have come to realize though, that it is me. That it is true that I was not being at cause for this situation. I tried to control him, be his therapist, make sure that he would change...

I've let go of that now. I have stopped trying to control how he should change, how he should think about this, when we have sex, how it should be etc.

Big changes have happened. Mainly internal. The feeling of frustration is gone. The feeling of anger, rejection, it doesn't hurt anymore, it is gone.
For the first time, I get that it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Literally, NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!



Surprisingly (although I shouldn't be surprised anymore, since I *know* that this is how this works), the external has changed to reflect the internal change as well. So far we've already had sex 4 times this month.... 3 times initiated by him and once by me.

That, after having about a year of having sex 6 times (per YEAR!) is a HUGE improvement.

Of course, who knows if it will last... but you know what? IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!!

The only business I have is deciding if I will stay with him even if there is no or little sex (to which the answer is YES!)

I am sharing here because so many people have lived with me through this, having given me great advice and supported me. Thank you all for that!!!