[ADULT] About my (sexual and other) relationship with my husband

[ssandra]

In the past I have written sometimes about the differences in sexual drive between me and my husband, and about the fact that we have an open relationship.

It was the only area of my relationship that I wasn't 100% satisfied with. All the other area's of course had it's ups and downs (both on my side as on his) but over all it was mostly up, and even the downs weren't that bad .

About a year ago I became too frustrated with the lack of sexual intercourse in my relationship. Since we have an open relationship, I decided to go out more, make friends, and while at it, find someone to have a friendly relationship with that includes sex.

I found some great people. People that normally I could have seen myself have sex with. And I realized something... I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I ONLY want to have sex with my husband

It took me a while to admit that too myself (let alone say it out loud to someone else), but there it is.

Does that mean that we are monogamous now? No. I still don't see the point in that (for me). Does it mean that I will not have sex with others? Yes, for the moment it means that. I would still be open to it, but I'm pretty sure that unless something strange happens, I won't be having sex with anyone else but my husband.
Will he still have sex with other people? That's completely up to him If he wants to? Yes, he can. I don't mind (hell, I even gave him some tips on how to pick up girls yesterday ).

-------

Someone very smart and wise once told me that if there is any area in your life that isn't working exactly the way you want to, it is because you are not being at cause in that area.

My reaction to that was "I understand, but in this case it is not me, it is him!" (talking about the sexual frustration of course ).

Slowly I have come to realize though, that it is me. That it is true that I was not being at cause for this situation. I tried to control him, be his therapist, make sure that he would change...

I've let go of that now. I have stopped trying to control how he should change, how he should think about this, when we have sex, how it should be etc.

Big changes have happened. Mainly internal. The feeling of frustration is gone. The feeling of anger, rejection, it doesn't hurt anymore, it is gone.
For the first time, I get that it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS if he doesn't want to have sex with me. Literally, NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!



Surprisingly (although I shouldn't be surprised anymore, since I *know* that this is how this works), the external has changed to reflect the internal change as well. So far we've already had sex 4 times this month.... 3 times initiated by him and once by me.

That, after having about a year of having sex 6 times (per YEAR!) is a HUGE improvement.

Of course, who knows if it will last... but you know what? IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!!

The only business I have is deciding if I will stay with him even if there is no or little sex (to which the answer is YES!)

I am sharing here because so many people have lived with me through this, having given me great advice and supported me. Thank you all for that!!!

[votoshka]

Hey Sandra, it's great that you've come to these realisations!

However, I do have one question . The biggest problem in your relationship with your hubby is that you have more sex drive than him, and thus that you're not getting enough I guess . So how would you feel if instead of turning to you when he felt the urge, he had sex with other women?

I mean, I get the open relationship thing, that's cool. But I imagine that if it was my relationship, and I wasn't getting enough sex from my husband (whether or not I wanted sex with other men) I'd be upset if he was off having sex with other women and not me... and basically, leaving me frustrated while pleasuring others!

Obviously, if we were having regular sex, and he was having sex with others it would be a different story.

[VinceG]

Wow, that's amazing Sandra! I'm so glad you found the place where you could deal with this really difficult issue!

[Plays With Life]

Nicely done!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by votoshka

However, I do have one question . The biggest problem in your relationship with your hubby is that you have more sex drive than him, and thus that you're not getting enough I guess . So how would you feel if instead of turning to you when he felt the urge, he had sex with other women?

I mean, I get the open relationship thing, that's cool. But I imagine that if it was my relationship, and I wasn't getting enough sex from my husband (whether or not I wanted sex with other men) I'd be upset if he was off having sex with other women and not me... and basically, leaving me frustrated while pleasuring others!

I understand where you are coming from, and you make a logical point.

However there are 2 things that matter a lot to me:

1. It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS why he doesn't want to have sex with me and maybe does (or doesn't) with others.

2. I trust him completely, I know that he would never purposefully would harm me. I trust that if he could choose to have sex with either me or someone else, he would choose me. And I accept that he can want to have sex with someone else and not with me, without making it any of my business.

That last one did cost me a lot of work. Not the trust part, but the "not making it about me" part. But with the trust, and accepting, and taking my responsibility for releasing control... it works

[lookcloser]

Originally Posted by ssandra

1. It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS why he doesn't want to have sex with me and maybe does (or doesn't) with others.

2. I trust him completely, I know that he would never purposefully would harm me. I trust that if he could choose to have sex with either me or someone else, he would choose me. And I accept that he can want to have sex with someone else and not with me, without making it any of my business.

That last one did cost me a lot of work. Not the trust part, but the "not making it about me" part. But with the trust, and accepting, and taking my responsibility for releasing control... it works

That's awesome

[psionyx]

Originally Posted by ssandra

The only business I have is deciding if I will stay with him even if there is no or little sex (to which the answer is YES!)

This seems like a key realization.

I'm relatively new here, but you seem like a very openly sexual person. So I am curious as to what brought you to the decision to stay? Or was leaving never an option? Is this "settlling", and do you think it may be something you regret someday?

Apologies if you've explained this elsewhere.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by psionyx

This seems like a key realization.

I'm relatively new here, but you seem like a very openly sexual person. So I am curious as to what brought you to the decision to stay? Or was leaving never an option? Is this "settlling", and do you think it may be something you regret someday?

Apologies if you've explained this elsewhere.

I don't think this is settling. For me settling is wanting something different but putting up with bad things because you don't think you can get better...

The question that I asked myself (and took a long time in finding the answer) was:

If I could be with someone else, who I would love just as much and who would love me just as much... Who would be everything that my husband is, except with a higher sex drive... would I rather be with him instead of my husband?

And the answer is "no, I want to be with my husband".

Even though I am a very sexual being, and although sex is extremely important to me, it turns out, it is not a deal breaker for me...

There is no logical reasoning to it. It is a choice though, one that I am making with my eyes wide open and taking full responsibility for.

[psionyx]

Thanks for the great answer ssandra!

Originally Posted by ssandra

If I could be with someone else, who I would love just as much and who would love me just as much... Who would be everything that my husband is, except with a higher sex drive... would I rather be with him instead of my husband?

This question does really cut to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? What's interesting about it though, is that it's paradoxically a very emotionally laden question, yet one that must be answered objectively - unless you were to actually put it to the test by going outside the marriage. So, your answer must necessarily be more of a decision rather than a revelation.

Originally Posted by ssandra

There is no logical reasoning to it. It is a choice though, one that I am making with my eyes wide open and taking full responsibility for.

Yes, that says it all, and well done!

[Wolfie]

I been interested in having an open relationship for a while now. Just have no clue how to bring it up without freaking them out.

[AngelDonovan]

Originally Posted by Wolfie

I been interested in having an open relationship for a while now. Just have no clue how to bring it up without freaking them out.

There are a lot of books and courses written on the subject of open relationships. The biggest and first question addressed is exactly this. It's the concern of everyone.

There are many ways to do this smoothly. If this isn't something your partner is used to the best approach is to use a steady process that pushes the comfort barrier slowly and opens your partners mind to the possibility.

[James81]

Interesting, the "IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS" thing sounds more like a gremlin to me. (And I don't even have gremlins on the brain very much these days. )

Interesting enough, I know you worry about being delusional. But it's this thread that's sorta made me realize that it's not that you are delusional, it's that you delude yourself. Perhaps I'm the only one who reads this and thinks that telling yourself that your husbands sexuality is none of your business seems like an attempt to bury your head in the sand. If there's one thing that IS your business, it's your husband's desire for you and the intimacy that comes with that.

On the flip side, I'm glad that the angsty feelings have gone away. I hope that I'm wrong and that they stay away for good and that this is the start of something good.

[Bliss Sage]

Hi Sandra,

This is encouraging . I'm curious how long it was between this shift you took and when your husband began asking for sex?

Btw, it seems to me like your sex drive may be quite normal - and his not. Though I don't have any experience in being sexually active, 6 times a year seems way little, even to me. I feel beyond certain that that would be a big problem for me too.

Originally Posted by James81

Interesting, the "IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS" thing sounds more like a gremlin to me. (And I don't even have gremlins on the brain very much these days. )

Interesting enough, I know you worry about being delusional. But it's this thread that's sorta made me realize that it's not that you are delusional, it's that you delude yourself. Perhaps I'm the only one who reads this and thinks that telling yourself that your husbands sexuality is none of your business seems like an attempt to bury your head in the sand. If there's one thing that IS your business, it's your husband's desire for you and the intimacy that comes with that.

On the flip side, I'm glad that the angsty feelings have gone away. I hope that I'm wrong and that they stay away for good and that this is the start of something good.

I agree that her husband's sexuality is absolutely her business, but I don't see any delusion anywhere.

I really love your approach Sandra. That's why I am also in the process of using it within a relationship (hence my first question). I got guidance to do so last year during a reiki session on myself.

And I love this video clip of Abraham-Hicks that says something to the effect of find someone and then make the relationship how you want it, because we are the ones who create the dynamics in a relationship. The clip gives a perfect example of how our attitude can bring out different responses and facets of people.

YouTube - ‪Abraham - Is this the 'right' relationship?‬‏

Aha! The exact quote is: "Find something and make it right." "Find a relationship and make it right."

[agsags]

Originally Posted by James81

Perhaps I'm the only one who reads this and thinks that telling yourself that your husbands sexuality is none of your business seems like an attempt to bury your head in the sand. If there's one thing that IS your business, it's your husband's desire for you and the intimacy that comes with that.

James, you are not the only one. I think "It's none of my business" is a mantra to dissociate one's *self-worth* from behaviour of the other (to make self-worth unconditional) but it is a poor one because as you said her husbands sexual desire towards her is quite telling of were Sandra is/was. He is her mirror.

Sandra's prior attitude towards sex (angsty feelings, expectations, dissatisfaction with them not being met) was exactly the reason her husband didn't want to have sex with her. Her attitude changed and as a result she became a MUCH more attractive woman and now her husband wants to bang her. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts feeling very studly soon and actually seek other women while it would be getting hotter and hotter between him and her.

@Sandra - big props on the inner change. That change will have a bigger effect on your husband's desire for you than diet-exercise-lifestyle combined. You can bring up diet-exercise-lifestyle but not directly. If he has any good male friends, talk to them so that they can talk to him without mentioning you.

[inverse Paranoid]

Originally Posted by James81

Interesting, the "IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS" thing sounds more like a gremlin to me.

It sounds like the exact opposite to me, something that's totally empowering and will help sandra grow in many more ways than just the frequency of sex with her husband. Realizing that other people are none of your business and that everything you want can (and, in the end, must) be achieved through an internal shift frees you from the thoughts that you need to get other people to change to have what you want.

Gratz on the awesome manifestation, Sandra. What a perfect example of what we're all capable of when we're willing to take responsibility, release from attachment, and allow change.

[AngelDonovan]

Hi Sandra,

I think your story is great and reflects the ideal situation (besides the low libido hubby issue). Where we are completely free to have other relationships but we don't want to.

I'm just wondering whether you have talked with him about it. A low libido is often a direct result of our biological chemistry (in particular low testosterone). That is something that can be fixed naturally in my experience to great effect if he's just willing to make a couple of changes to his weekly routine. Have you looked into it?

You sound proactive and open so I doubt it has anything to do with the sexual chemistry side and you not igniting his fire.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by AngelDonovan

I'm just wondering whether you have talked with him about it. A low libido is often a direct result of our biological chemistry (in particular low testosterone). That is something that can be fixed naturally in my experience to great effect if he's just willing to make a couple of changes to his weekly routine. Have you looked into it?

We've talked it to death these last 6 years And he is a smart person. He knows all the things that can cause it and he knows how to find information on how to remedy it... it is not my job to hold his hand doing that...

[agsags]

Originally Posted by ssandra

We've talked it to death these last 6 years And he is a smart person. He knows all the things that can cause it and he knows how to find information on how to remedy it... it is not my job to hold his hand doing that...

Yes, it's the job of his male buddies to help him on that path . There is a huge gap between knowing the truth and living that truth. However every time you even discuss this particular topic with him (connection between weight/lifestyle and sex drive), it kills at least part of his sexual desire for you.

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by agsags

Yes, it's the job of his male buddies to help him on that path . There is a huge gap between knowing the truth and living that truth. However every time you even discuss this particular topic with him (connection between weight/lifestyle and sex drive), it kills at least part of his sexual desire for you.

That's awfully presumptuous. If I were a betting gal, I'd bet Sandra knows her husband better than you do.

[agsags]

Originally Posted by Mariana Trench

That's awfully presumptuous. If I were a betting gal, I'd bet Sandra knows her husband better than you do.

It is indeed awfully presumptuous . I have been on a roll recently being presumptuous - which is uncharacteristic of me - and I have been right way more than chance.

Aside from *knowledge* not being enough for a change, if Sandra actually knew her husband, she wouldn't be living a multiple-year dry spell. I will happily bet against you in this case. 1$?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Mariana Trench

That's awfully presumptuous. If I were a betting gal, I'd bet Sandra knows her husband better than you do.

As someone who was in ssandras husbands situation before, I have to agree with agsags. Her talking about it just made me anxious about it and it did kill my desire for her.

I think there is an opportunity here for ssandra to learn some new forms of seducing her husband. I think that's why the "its none of my business" thing seems to be working for now. Its her pulling away from him, which ultimately makes him desire her more.

[Colin Houghton]

Hi Ssandra

Thanks for sharing that with us. I may even pluck up courage to talk about my relationship issue! But I need to get my head round it and articulate it as well as you have! As a taster... I'm white, divorced, sem-retired, 56, she's Jamaican, 35 an exotic dancer, and married! Phew!!

[Criseyde]

Congratulations, Sandra, this is awesome. And it's totally mirroring a realization I'm having, too... that all my relationships are based on what I bring to the table. That if I bring pain and drama, that's what they have, and if I bring happiness and playfulness, that's what they have.

It's weird, but cool.

[Mariana Trench]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Congratulations, Sandra, this is awesome. And it's totally mirroring a realization I'm having, too... that all my relationships are based on what I bring to the table. That if I bring pain and drama, that's what they have, and if I bring happiness and playfulness, that's what they have.

It's weird, but cool.

I've been having this realization in so many parts of life, and the phrase that sticks in my head is:

"You get out of something, what you put into it."

That's my version of LoA for now.

[ShoeDiva]

Hi Sandra congratulations. Great post really open my eyes

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Mariana Trench

"You get out of something, what you put into it."

Also known as Garbage In, Garbage Out.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

I get it in the abstract and I agree but how do you put into practice? Can you give another simple example? I'd like to start trying to do it myself.

Sure. It is a habit, so I'm still in the process of changing it (luckily I have some powerful NLP tools to help me with that!!)

For example:

We have an exercise machine at home. I may ask him "are you going to work out tonight?

The difference before and after is the reason why I ask. Before; I would ask because I want him to loose weight. To look better, to be healthier, to want more sex.

Now I ask because I either I am simply interested in his life and decisions or because I plan on using it and therefor want to coordinate the timing.

Whenever I notice that I ask something (or comment on something) for the first reason, I shut up. I don't say anything. Or if I already said it, I say "never mind".

And in my mind I repeat "I accept you as you are, your choices are yours". Or something similar.

When we talked about this, I asked him to let me know when I am going over the line. So when he does, I take a mental step back and admire him for the wonderful perfect person he is, even if he is not doing what I want him to do .

I am not a very auditory person, so it is difficult to put in words exactly what I say. It is more a mental shift, a feeling that I invoke.


A good way to practice this feeling, to know what this feeling feels like is whenever you have a quiet moment to yourself, take some time and accept someone (significant other, parent, friend) exactly as they are. Whenever you find thoughts coming up such as "but only if they weren't so..... X" repeat that mental image of them being perfect as they are. You accept them as they are, flaws, bad habits, annoying things and all. They are as they are and you accept them as they are in your life, or not. If you do not accept them as they are in your life, kick them out of your life

Anyway.. once you have that mental feeling of accepting them as they are, take notice of that feeling (feeling, picture, words etc). Anchor it, or at the very least remember it clearly.

Whenever you find yourself thinking (or saying ) "why isn't he/she X?" bring back that picture of acceptance.

I hope this is clear. If not, please do let me know!!

[ssandra]

I want to say THANK YOU to all the people who have show support for me in this thread (and in the past) and actually *get* where I am coming from.

Being at cause is a different mindset. It isn't always easy to understand and to see what it is that you are doing (or being) that is causing this.

But once you subscribe to it, take on the perspective of being at cause, the magic is instantly and wonderful!