Question for women. Is it normal for women to date multiple guys at the same time?

[SourLemons]

I am finally moving on after breaking up since Feb. Anyway, when I was dating my ex, she was seeing two other guys at the same time. I was boyfriend number 3. At first I thought she was joking, but now I don't think she was.

Is it the norm for women in their early twenties to date more than one guy? I am curious since if it is, should I get accustomed to it if I meet another women? My ex was someone who was trying to find herself. She has daddy issues, and her mother encourages her to date lots of men since the first guy she dated, she married at a very young age. My ex was an independent feminist who just discovered boys at the age of 20.

So it is normal for women to test out the water for a boyfriend by dating multiple guys at the same time? I have been told by a female party female friends that it is, but they are party girls.

Should I expect this behavior in most women? I want to know if this is normal so I can adapt and do the same thing.

[Curtis2011]

Like you said, some party girls will do that.

I think there is a type of girl who just wants as much attention from men as possible, and with them it is common.

Also, girls in general I would say are more likely to look for a new relationship, while still in their old one.

So for instance, I think the average girl will date guy #1, meet guy #2 and go out a few times, then break up with guy #1. So she was technically dating both of them for awhile before she ended the first relationship.

Meanwhile I feel like guys are more cut and paste. They end relationship #1 before they find a new person to date, so there is less overlap in dating.

That is just what I have noticed. Obviously it is a generalization but I think it is a decent one.

If you only go after girls who drink a lot and go clubbing and such, then yes, dating multiple guys is probably more common. There are plenty of girls who don't do that though.

[elucidate]

I've found the exact opposite of this to be true actually. The men I have known tend to try and secure the next woman before they leave the relationship, but I'm sure it happens with women as well.

It all depends on who you know I suppose, you just can't generalize these days.

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

Like you said, some party girls will do that.

I think there is a type of girl who just wants as much attention from men as possible, and with them it is common.

Also, girls in general I would say are more likely to look for a new relationship, while still in their old one.

So for instance, I think the average girl will date guy #1, meet guy #2 and go out a few times, then break up with guy #1. So she was technically dating both of them for awhile before she ended the first relationship.

Meanwhile I feel like guys are more cut and paste. They end relationship #1 before they find a new person to date, so there is less overlap in dating.

That is just what I have noticed. Obviously it is a generalization but I think it is a decent one.

If you only go after girls who drink a lot and go clubbing and such, then yes, dating multiple guys is probably more common. There are plenty of girls who don't do that though.

[Agota]

I think it depends on each particular woman.

There are also different situations. I got an impression that it's acceptable to "date" few people simultaneously before you get into committed relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend (it's not that acceptable in my country, people would automatically assume that it's exclusive if you are going on dates, but my American friend explained me that it's different in US). However, I don't think that it's acceptable anywhere to date other people when you're in committed monogamous relationship:that's not called dating, that's called cheating. I think to prevent misunderstandings about your current relationship situation, it's better to discuss this with a girl and ask her to be your girlfriend.

I think you also should think where you are looking for a girlfriend. I have nothing against clubs and parties, but people who do a lot of that are often out for fun, not for serious relationship (there might be exceptions, of course). It might be easier for you to find a compatible girlfriend amongst women that are a little bit older (say 25) and whose interest are other than partying day and night.

[kenaustin]

Obviously the answer is NO. It's really a bad thing. It's an act of immaturity.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

Like you said, some party girls will do that.

I think there is a type of girl who just wants as much attention from men as possible, and with them it is common.

Also, girls in general I would say are more likely to look for a new relationship, while still in their old one.

So for instance, I think the average girl will date guy #1, meet guy #2 and go out a few times, then break up with guy #1. So she was technically dating both of them for awhile before she ended the first relationship.

Meanwhile I feel like guys are more cut and paste. They end relationship #1 before they find a new person to date, so there is less overlap in dating.

That is just what I have noticed. Obviously it is a generalization but I think it is a decent one.

If you only go after girls who drink a lot and go clubbing and such, then yes, dating multiple guys is probably more common. There are plenty of girls who don't do that though.

Thank you for the clarification! I think that was exactly what she was doing.

Guy 1 was this guy that she was spending the night with when she ran away with home.

She left guy 1 since he was moving, so she went to guy 2. Guy 2 went to China, so she came to me. However, she was really to leave guy 2 for me until I gotten clingy. After that, we stopped, though she did wanted to hang out with me out of pity. Guy 2 came back from china, so she started hanging out with him again. She said she really like him, but also liked me since we were still chatting. However, I became jealous and that made things go downhill. We still tried to work on our friendship for months, but failed. I didn't know why. I think she found guy 4 or rather group 4. She also chatted with guys a lot online - her sisters and mother do it on a normal basis. See. I never in my life went clubbing.

When she was seeing me, she told me that her dad's friend set her up on a date with a guy. The guy has a girlfriend. However, when she told me about it, she said it was a group of people with mostly girls. She called it datish, So I think she replaced me with them since she would go home around 5 am and sometimes drinking.

I realized that I didn't know a lot about her even though she hinted at them. So those late nights were out clubbing. Ooh... I think she stopped telling me it since I have gotten upset one time.

Wow, she is more experienced than me then she lets out! Everything makes sense, she was dating a bunch of guys.

I don't know why I fall for party girls since I everytime, but they aren't my type. Every asian girl I have feelings for (I'm asian btw,) turn out to be party girls. My ex had glasses and looks like a nerd. She even prefer nerds. She dressed like one too.

So you are saying that girls will most likely leave one guy for another more than guys? If so, thanks for the tip. I have a lot to learn.

As a few pointed out, I now am beginning to think it is based on race and culture. I am Asian, but am very americanized with mostly diverse friends. I have heard that when Asian people date in Asia, they tend to date in groups which is why when you see Asian American ppl, you see them in large groups.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Agota

I think it depends on each particular woman.

There are also different situations. I got an impression that it's acceptable to "date" few people simultaneously before you get into committed relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend (it's not that acceptable in my country, people would automatically assume that it's exclusive if you are going on dates, but my American friend explained me that it's different in US). However, I don't think that it's acceptable anywhere to date other people when you're in committed monogamous relationship:that's not called dating, that's called cheating. I think to prevent misunderstandings about your current relationship situation, it's better to discuss this with a girl and ask her to be your girlfriend.

I think you also should think where you are looking for a girlfriend. I have nothing against clubs and parties, but people who do a lot of that are often out for fun, not for serious relationship (there might be exceptions, of course). It might be easier for you to find a compatible girlfriend amongst women that are a little bit older (say 25) and whose interest are other than partying day and night.

I am finding them at the community college. Oooh. That makes sense!

The thing is that we weren't in a committed relationship to begin with. However, the other guys she was dating thought so as well. This is all confusing, but I think I get it. Guy 1's father talked to her to plan a wedding. Guy 2's parents thought she was dating her son monogamously. My parents knew we were just friends since she told me multiple times to tell my parents that.

I think I get what happened. She feel in love or has gotten attached to him quickly. Guy one moves or rejects her. She gets depressed, so she moves on to guy 2 and me. Guy 2 goes to China. She called me and her just friends since we weren't in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet. We were in teh dating stage....Ooooh

She also didn't want to give the people the wrong idea since this online gamer friend of hers fell for her. So she ended up breaking his heart and felt bad about it. That is why she said it was temporary to me and we are just friends - temporary was if she wasn't feeling me right, she can leave without an obligation - she didn't want to be bound since she told me that she would hang out whoever she wants, whenever she wants, without an obligation. With guy 2 at china, she still had to pretend she was dating the guy to the guy's parents. She hated that.

She backed off when I was being needy to her.

It was ****ing confusing since she said that we weren't dating and only hanging out. But it feels like a date. I overheard a conversation she had on the phone while I pretended to be asleep, calling it a date. She later said indirectly "Hanging out, dating, it is the same thing. Call it what you want."

I think guy 1 rejected her.

The problem with finding women older is that I am a 28 year old going on 20. I have knowledge as a 28 year old, but experience as a 20 year old. That is, I never worked in my life and don't know how to drive. Not a sob story, but I am sure most 25 year old women, at least the one I meet, wants a guy who is working and driving. I am in a weird place. I want someone who is older and mature, yet someone who doesn't mind my shortcomings.

I want someone who is an introvert like my friend Flo. However, she isn't into guys if you catch my drift.

it's better to discuss this with a girl and ask her to be your girlfriend.

I will do that. When do I do that? After a month or so of dating?

[Agota]

What about taking time to write down your requirements for your dream woman, describing then in as much details as you can (looks, style, values, income, sex drive, etc.), then try to describe her dream man in as much details as you can (be realistic, if she's a millionaire she will most likely want a guy with decent income, if sex is important to them she will most likely want someone handsome, etc.), then describe what kind of man you want to be and see if your ideal self and her ideal guy matches. In case they do, you can start working on becoming that person, since that's what you want.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Agota

What about taking time to write down your requirements for your dream woman, describing then in as much details as you can (looks, style, values, income, sex drive, etc.), then try to describe her dream man in as much details as you can (be realistic, if she's a millionaire she will most likely want a guy with decent income, if sex is important to them she will most likely want someone handsome, etc.), then describe what kind of man you want to be and see if your ideal self and her ideal guy matches. In case they do, you can start working on becoming that person, since that's what you want.

I like this! Thanks.

For my dream woman, she would be Asian - though I wouldn't discriminate if someone of another race fits the other traits detailed here (She is black and I would fall for her if she were straight since she is my idea woman); a bit nerdy or conservative in clothing; values - likes family yet independent; income wouldn't matter; then again - preferably poor and struggling like me; temperment - mature and not get offended easily, yet accepts my own temperment; sex - low. I have a high sex drive, but sex isn't important to me but I put it off well;

As for my Ex, I would describe her as: Asian; a bit nerdy or conservative in clothing; values like family yet independent; income is poor yet her parents were at one point rich (she might have been a millionaire) since she lives in a mansion or one of those really big houses in a rich town - she was ashamed of it, however. Temperment - hot headed, immature, impulsive, and a little bit needy (my temperment might have increased to match hers, though) sex drive -low? It is difficult to say since she said she is scared of sex, but wants to try it. She also said she doesn't find guys attractive and the guys she dated are shorter than her - guy 1 was like 5 7, I was 5 3 whereas she is around 6 foot. She also likes to pose and likes attention. Her sister's sex drive is high I think.

As for myself, I want to be confident, productive, efficient, not neurotic, and calm.

[rei]

No such thing as normal. Women can get thrown off their center easily in dating. Dating more than one person is a good way to prevent too much of that happening.

You're more likely to project things that aren't really in a specific person, if you are only dating that person in the early stages of a connection. Dating them but being okay with going out with other people is a way to reduce some of that projection so you are more prone to see who they really express themselves as.

I would say that "dating" and "sleeping with" are very, very different. I know several women who will date multiple people but only sleep with one person and will often not continue to date others once they consummate a relationship. But if they haven't consummated the relationship, they are not seeing just one person. I don't think I would call these women I know "party girls." They aren't really out for a good time as a primary goal. They are rather out for remaining centered and balanced in evaluating potential partners, which some women can do more easily by not putting all their eggs in one basket.

Okay, my philosophy. Dating labels and expectations must be negotiated with mutual agreement in a verbal way. I do not assume someone is dating me exclusively unless they talk to me about it. I think it sets you up for a lot of misunderstanding to assume someone is seeing you exclusively without a conversation. I do my absolute best to find an opportunity to explain this philosophy to anyone it might affect, like a date.

ETA: Curtis described serial monogamists who can't stand being single, not all women And "dating" is a broad term. I would date multiple people as far as seeing them or going out. But if I and a partner have had a conversation and chosen to be monogamous and exclusive, I am loyal to that person. Relationships and dating are very different to me. But it isn't a relationship unless that person has talked to me and we have both verbalized that we want it to be. It might be a relationship to them, but I'm not in their head, and I go by what has been directly verbalized.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I've found the exact opposite of this to be true actually. The men I have known tend to try and secure the next woman before they leave the relationship, but I'm sure it happens with women as well.

It all depends on who you know I suppose, you just can't generalize these days.

Hmm weird. I've never known many guys like that.

I have one friend who does that, but it's more because he's a scumbag rather than because he wants to date people. He cheats on every girl he dates.

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by kenaustin

Obviously the answer is NO. It's really a bad thing. It's an act of immaturity.

I don't think immaturity is bad thing. Before someone become mature they may have to be immature first its a learning process.

I did not date drink do drugs in high school and I don't know if it would have be good to do so but most teenager do and turn out OK but I never did and feel immature because of my lack of immature behavior.

Scott

[TrueStory]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

I am finally moving on after breaking up since Feb. Anyway, when I was dating my ex, she was seeing two other guys at the same time. I was boyfriend number 3. At first I thought she was joking, but now I don't think she was.

Is it the norm for women in their early twenties to date more than one guy? I am curious since if it is, should I get accustomed to it if I meet another women? My ex was someone who was trying to find herself. She has daddy issues, and her mother encourages her to date lots of men since the first guy she dated, she married at a very young age. My ex was an independent feminist who just discovered boys at the age of 20.

So it is normal for women to test out the water for a boyfriend by dating multiple guys at the same time? I have been told by a female party female friends that it is, but they are party girls.

Should I expect this behavior in most women? I want to know if this is normal so I can adapt and do the same thing.

you said she had self esteem issues, it would not be surprising at all that she seeks validation from men.


Normal?????

No. But if you keep dating the same type of girls over and over, it would be normal for same ***** to happen over and over.

You should too date more than one girl at a time unless you are explicitly committed to just one. Naturally, do not lie to these girls but you don't have to tell her she's girlfriend #2.


There are women out there who only date one guy at a time, and there are women out there who date 3-5 guys at a time. I don't think either strategy is wrong or right.

[AlmostGodess]

I join those who say that thinking about normality will eventually lead to a philosophy textbook, but not healthy choices in life. The only questions you should ask yourself should be about what you want and what makes you happy.

So, does the fact that your girlfriend dates other men make you feel good? Does it make you happy? Do you get from that situation the feeling "yes, this is for me!" ?

[Bliss Sage]

Yeah, you don't have to go for "normal."
I don't date at all, I never did either. And I'm happy to not be normal.
There are lots of different kinds of people out there. Meet some unique girls instead.

Every guy I ever had a real relationship (i.e. not just in my head - or heart, rather) with has been a virgin. Is that normal? Can you easily find a 22, 24, 40-year-old virgin? It was for me. There's a good reason for how I "attracted" them, but it really does have to do with the kind of guys who were attracted to me and who I felt comfortable being myself with - LoA.

[Angelique]

Is the behavior okay with you if it's normal?

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by TrueStory

you said she had self esteem issues, it would not be surprising at all that she seeks validation from men.


Normal?????

No. But if you keep dating the same type of girls over and over, it would be normal for same ***** to happen over and over.

You should too date more than one girl at a time unless you are explicitly committed to just one. Naturally, do not lie to these girls but you don't have to tell her she's girlfriend #2.


There are women out there who only date one guy at a time, and there are women out there who date 3-5 guys at a time. I don't think either strategy is wrong or right.

I know her sister seeks validation from men. My ex said she doesn't, but instead seeks validation from friends which I find it hard to believe what I know about her in the past. I too think she is seeking validation from men. Even though she is the oldest out of her sisters, I think she is following them in their footsteps, but was shy about it.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Angelique

Is the behavior okay with you if it's normal?

Yes, though I would have to do the same thing.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

I join those who say that thinking about normality will eventually lead to a philosophy textbook, but not healthy choices in life. The only questions you should ask yourself should be about what you want and what makes you happy.

So, does the fact that your girlfriend dates other men make you feel good? Does it make you happy? Do you get from that situation the feeling "yes, this is for me!" ?

Good point. I was okay with it at first since I seen it as competition or no big deal even though I was confused. As long as she was open about it and treated us all equally. I didn't care if she picked guy 1 over me. Then I have gotten advice from my friends who said it is wrong of her to do it. That is when the jealously hits.

The jealously came when guy 2 came back to America. She started to date him for a few weeks since she felt like she didn't spend time with him. I became jealous since she stopped hanging out with me a week or two before.

I think what happened is that I didn't understand that she was testing the waters. I did, but I didn't if that makes sense. She said we were just friends, but I was getting very mixed signals. It is also a possibility that I was seeing things the way I wanted to see things. I also thought she has chosen me over the other two guys.

She then become less open about it, trying to protect my feelings. That just made it worse since my feelings didn't need protecting - not telling the truth and being vague about things made me more clingy. I just wanted the truth rather than lies or her not telling me things since that is what happened afterwards.

Would she count as a girlfriend if we never made it official? I can still call her my ex even if we just went out, right?

I better be okay with it since I hang out with a high-school friend of mines every month. She's married, but her husband is completely secure. We would usually have coffee together. I don't have feelings for her. I also think that it is my ego that needs a beat down.

I think what happened was that this was a first-time experience for me and didn't expect this type of dating with my ex even though I seen it coming a mile away. Before, I didn't really hang out with women. Now, I hang out with one once a month and another every couple of weeks. However those aren't dates because one is married and the other is a lesbian. As such, I don't flirt with them.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by TrueStory

you said she had self esteem issues, it would not be surprising at all that she seeks validation from men.


Normal?????

No. But if you keep dating the same type of girls over and over, it would be normal for same ***** to happen over and over.

You should too date more than one girl at a time unless you are explicitly committed to just one. Naturally, do not lie to these girls but you don't have to tell her she's girlfriend #2.


There are women out there who only date one guy at a time, and there are women out there who date 3-5 guys at a time. I don't think either strategy is wrong or right.

Thanks.
Yeah, that was a bit odd with the girlfriend #1 and #2. I actually didn't mind being boyfriend #3 at first. On this day last year (her birthday is today), she started to use that term when she introduces me to her dad's friend, as well as her friend. But she said it was a joke.

But I think I wanted an exclusive commitment whereas she didn't. But that is hypocritical on my part since I can see more than one girl at a time.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Yeah, you don't have to go for "normal."
I don't date at all, I never did either. And I'm happy to not be normal.
There are lots of different kinds of people out there. Meet some unique girls instead.

Every guy I ever had a real relationship (i.e. not just in my head - or heart, rather) with has been a virgin. Is that normal? Can you easily find a 22, 24, 40-year-old virgin? It was for me. There's a good reason for how I "attracted" them, but it really does have to do with the kind of guys who were attracted to me and who I felt comfortable being myself with - LoA.

Interesting. I think I am attracted to one type of girl, but they end up being a completely different type. With my ex, I think what happened was that she was in the process of finding herself in life, so she was becoming someone else while I was seeing her. For example when I first started dating her, she didn't have a sense of fashion - a long white tee shirt, shorts with boots that goes up her thigh, and a large white jacket. She later change that look with jeans, a sweat jacket, and sneakers. I don't mind the fashion sense, but there was an indication that she was changing.

Her changing shocked me. She even wanted to change. True, everyone changes at one point in their life, but I have a weird feeling that when she changed, she will no longer be friends with me.

[jaydeschizo]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

She then become less open about it, trying to protect my feelings. That just made it worse since my feelings didn't need protecting - not telling the truth and being vague about things made me more clingy. I just wanted the truth rather than lies or her not telling me things since that is what happened afterwards.

She didn't make you clingy, you are clingy.

Don't be clingy.

[Dulma]

Everyone's different of course. There are girls who wouldn't dream of carrying on with more than a guy at a time and others who accessorize their lives with guys like it's no big deal. Many err towards the former, is my guess.

Personally, I sometimes date multiple guys if I know none of them would be hurt or offended by it, if we haven't decided on "exclusivity," and if it just feels appropriate and okay to do so. But I wouldn't say I've ever had more than one relationship at a time, really. That is something of a rarity, from what I've seen of other girls.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by jaydeschizo

She didn't make you clingy, you are clingy.

Don't be clingy.

She has made me clingy since when I first dated her, I wasn't clingy. In fact, I was annoyed that she would call or visit me almost daily. I needed a break. But I got used to the attention and wanted more. It is like offering a person who has a gene that is susceptible to become an alcoholic. Once you take a few slips, you become addicted.

I wasn't clingy before I met her, but given my situation and background, I was prone to becoming clingy.

[TrueStory]

Lemons,

there are bazillion reasons why people get clingy and almost all of them point to low self esteem.

We become attracted (and addicted) to the person because of the chemicals our brain produces. For example, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin - it's a powerful chemical and can get you hooked if you are not getting the same amounts (this is why breakups are hard)

Dating requires some discipline; not seeing each other every day (even though you want to), being rational with yourself and not follow on emotional urges, etc.

"Don't be clingy" is horrible advice because it's impossible to control that. The only thing a person can control is his own action. What I mean by action is you should re-evalute why you want a girlfriend.

If you *need* a girlfriend, you you exhibit desperate behavior.

She's just a girl. She does not complete you. She does not give your life meaning. she does not change you. She does not help you grow. She does not make you happy. She does not validate you. She does not validate you in front of your mates.

^ above are many reasons why some people get in relationship (guys and girls)

You should see a relationship with a girl as you'd see a meal with desert. If you eat a meal and do not get desert, you still got the nutrients and you feel full. However if you happened to order desert, you got an extra 'feel-good' food. But without it, you are not going to die.

A woman is a desert in man's life. Anyone who says "Bullshi t!" tend to exhibit needy and clingy behavior. I am not talking about family and reproduction here, because these are biological factors. A man and a woman have sex to have a child that will carry their genes. Parents have to stay together long enough for a child to become a functioning adult.

What happens after is purely psychological. The chemical attraction (Love) only lasts long enough for that purpose. If you analyze divorce cases, most divorce within 5-7 years of marriage. Throw in another year or two of dating, you roughly get 7-10 years. Enough to become pregnant, raise the child that's capable of surviving (yes, a seven year old child can technically survive on his own) then go separate ways.


Are human beings meant to be monogamous? There are a lot of studies and scientific evidence suggesting that we are not long term monogamous.

Bottom line:

Since we touched on this subject, I would highly recommend reading "Sperm Wars" by Robin Baker. I think that book will answer your question of "Normality" and promiscuity.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by TrueStory

She's just a girl. She does not complete you. She does not give your life meaning. she does not change you. She does not help you grow. She does not make you happy. She does not validate you. She does not validate you in front of your mates.

I think men and women can certainly help each other grow!

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by TrueStory

Lemons,

there are bazillion reasons why people get clingy and almost all of them point to low self esteem.

We become attracted (and addicted) to the person because of the chemicals our brain produces. For example, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin - it's a powerful chemical and can get you hooked if you are not getting the same amounts (this is why breakups are hard)

Dating requires some discipline; not seeing each other every day (even though you want to), being rational with yourself and not follow on emotional urges, etc.

"Don't be clingy" is horrible advice because it's impossible to control that. The only thing a person can control is his own action. What I mean by action is you should re-evalute why you want a girlfriend.

If you *need* a girlfriend, you you exhibit desperate behavior.

She's just a girl. She does not complete you. She does not give your life meaning. she does not change you. She does not help you grow. She does not make you happy. She does not validate you. She does not validate you in front of your mates.

^ above are many reasons why some people get in relationship (guys and girls)

You should see a relationship with a girl as you'd see a meal with desert. If you eat a meal and do not get desert, you still got the nutrients and you feel full. However if you happened to order desert, you got an extra 'feel-good' food. But without it, you are not going to die.

A woman is a desert in man's life. Anyone who says "Bullshi t!" tend to exhibit needy and clingy behavior. I am not talking about family and reproduction here, because these are biological factors. A man and a woman have sex to have a child that will carry their genes. Parents have to stay together long enough for a child to become a functioning adult.

What happens after is purely psychological. The chemical attraction (Love) only lasts long enough for that purpose. If you analyze divorce cases, most divorce within 5-7 years of marriage. Throw in another year or two of dating, you roughly get 7-10 years. Enough to become pregnant, raise the child that's capable of surviving (yes, a seven year old child can technically survive on his own) then go separate ways.


Are human beings meant to be monogamous? There are a lot of studies and scientific evidence suggesting that we are not long term monogamous.

Bottom line:

Since we touched on this subject, I would highly recommend reading "Sperm Wars" by Robin Baker. I think that book will answer your question of "Normality" and promiscuity.

Interesting. I like this post. Well thought up. Honestly, I know clinginess is hooked up with low self-esteem, but I didn't mention it here since it didn't cross my mind at the time, though you can hint from my first post that I have low self-esteem - quater life crisis. I also knew about the chemicals in the brain from reading an article in psychology today, but I have no idea it was connected to low self-esteem. That is good to know since I now have a clearer understanding about the subject - in the article, it mentions about an experiment where people are shown pictures of other people, along with pics of their ex while inside the MRI machine. The results show that when the picture of their ex is shown, the brain develops the addicted chemical.

She's just a girl. She does not complete you. She does not give your life meaning. she does not change you. She does not help you grow. She does not make you happy. She does not validate you. She does not validate you in front of your mates.

^ above are many reasons why some people get in relationship (guys and girls)

Exactly since it was why I wanted to be with her: She helps me grow, make me happy, change me, etc.. The change part is indirect since it was more of the experience that changed me rather than her. I have re-evulated myself after I stopped talking to her.

I think a part of me knew what was wrong and tried to fix it since I have started to hang out with other people, both men and women. As said earlier, I hang out with a friend once a month and another every other week. That happens after my ex and I stopped talking. I didn't do it because I was looking for a girlfriend, but because I wanted to be happy in regards to being socialable. To have someone to connect with. It works since I have no feelings toward them. I think I just wanted a best friend. I also can stop seeing them for months.

So hmmm...That is probably what I want in a girlfriend. Someone who is like a friend whereas I don't mind not talkin to them for days or seeing them daily. I really didn't like being obsessed with my ex.

[SourLemons]

Originally Posted by Dulma

I think men and women can certainly help each other grow!

I think TrueStory meant it as soley being with that particular girl to grow as one of the top reasons to be in a relationship. It is true men and women need each other to grow - I never dated that long before meeting my ex, and because of that I didn't grow. What I think Truestory was saying is that I shouldn't get a girlfriend that she is the one just because she made me grow; I think anyone can grow if they meet someone of the opposite sex,which is very common. It is social experience that makes us better. My two female friends also made me grow as an individual and I am not dating them.

[SourLemons]

She's just a girl. She does not complete you. She does not give your life meaning. she does not change you. She does not help you grow. She does not make you happy. She does not validate you. She does not validate you in front of your mates.

^ above are many reasons why some people get in relationship (guys and girls)

Now that I think about it, I am starting to get this saying, which is confusing. Men and women who are together like 20-50 years obviously are together because they give their life meaning, change them, help them grow, complete them, and make them happy. BUT....That takes decades when their relationship changes from kisses and hugs to being a part of them if you get what I am trying to say.

Many people who just started to get into a relationship expecting to get all that in a short amount of time. For example, they might picture wedding bells or having kids with that a person they have been dating for a month.

I get it. I should not get a girlfriend just to be complete, but I should get it as experience, like a level entry job. I know it sounds bad, but what I mean is that this job can lead to somewhere like being promoted to the CEO of that same company or simply, I might end up getting laid off. I should see the relationship as a learning experience rather than thinking "I am going to grow old with that person." or "If I am not in a relationship, I am nothing."

[TrueStory]

Originally Posted by SourLemons

Now that I think about it, I am starting to get this saying, which is confusing. Men and women who are together like 20-50 years obviously are together because they give their life meaning, change them, help them grow, complete them, and make them happy. BUT....That takes decades when their relationship changes from kisses and hugs to being a part of them if you get what I am trying to say.

Many people who just started to get into a relationship expecting to get all that in a short amount of time. For example, they might picture wedding bells or having kids with that a person they have been dating for a month.

I get it. I should not get a girlfriend just to be complete, but I should get it as experience, like a level entry job. I know it sounds bad, but what I mean is that this job can lead to somewhere like being promoted to the CEO of that same company or simply, I might end up getting laid off. I should see the relationship as a learning experience rather than thinking "I am going to grow old with that person." or "If I am not in a relationship, I am nothing."

There is a big difference between Family and [Casual] dating.

Consider dating as a learning experience. You figure out whether she's the right person to be with or not. You date for few months, a year, and if you two seem to be compatible you start a family.

Family doesn't really have *I*. And family doesn't typically start when you kiss at the alter or wakeup hungover the next morning. I think family starts somewhere within you when you know that it's not You and I but US.

I think what I missed in my original statement is your own attitude. If you think that without a woman you are not happy or incomplete (not anyone particularly), then you are wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons. If you feel lonely, DO NOT get into relationship. Because you will desperately seek to fill that void.

If you can comfortably (by ***CHOICE***) be single for some time, or even date casually here and there (read: randomly hookup with someone you know you are not going to date), then you are ready for relationship. When you can learn to be happy on your own only then having a girlfriend will enhance your experience.

If i am happy at 100% by myself, but with a girlfriend i am at 110% then i know if she leaves, i will go back to 100%.

Serial daters (people that jump from relationship to relationship) always fall for the same type of people. You can observe pattern of your female friends dating wrong guys. And you can probably notice that these "wrong" guys are typically all the same. That's because a girl hasn't spend enough time being comfortable being alone. She jumps the gun to the next thing that goes her way to fill that "I am single" void.

I don't know your dating patterns, but if you think you fall for the same type of girls, stop dating for some time. Don't even attempt. Just figure out what aspects of your personal life need adjustments.

Financially struggling? Work on that. (College? Job? Second Job? Credit card repayment plan?)
Spiritually incomplete? Figure out what you believe in, go to church, talk to spiritual teachers, etc.
Physical and Health issues? Get to the gym, take up healthy habits, play sports, etc.
Social issues? Make it a point to go out and participate in social events. I think I have a whole post here on socializing in college (for young adults)

I think both woman and man should bring healthy attitudes into relationship. You should COMPLIMENT each other not COMPLETE each other.

If you have basics handled, you will do fine. Nothing will stir you or upset you. And if she's not a complete person, do not date her for sake of dating. Breakup. I don't even get serious for first 3-4 months. It takes about that time to figure out what the person is like. It takes another year to learn all her quirks and oddities. Then it takes another year for each other to get used to each other, typically by living together. 2 years and still going, chances are you'll do fine in the future. But those are odds: people do change and new things come up (infidelity?)

I had pretty active dating life when I was younger and in college, from my experience, i learned that with women you should always expect unexpected.

I will go as far as to say that many decisions women make are based on emotions. Often they will act first then rationalize their behavior. Men will think more and analyze all the facts then make a decision.

Do not believe me? Sounds anti-feminism? Read this book: Amazon.com: The Female Brain (9780767920094): Louann Brizendine M.D.: Books Biology does not lie.