love=pain. Why?

[danas]

Im feeling so down
Theres a lot to appreciate in my life. But I feel so down because there's no one partner to share it with.
Without one person to share my life with I do not see the point anymore.
I give so much love and time and acts of kindness to my friends and family. But where is my partner?
My career is going so well now. Financially Im doing well. Health-wise I look and feel great... Thank God. but I dont know what to do.

Love for me is torture. Lets face it. Its just torture for me to open up and get close to someone because I feel so much pain when I realize its never gonna happen with my love interest. Again and again I face rejection.
Why is this pattern happening?
Maybe I get too close too soon. But whats too soon? I get close after a few weeks of mutual closeness.
I attract men who are more and more suitable for me. And then when it doesnt work out it hurts much more.
How do I get out of this pattern?
What actions can I take now?
Yes, if Im brutally honest. In my world Love equals pain.
So how do I get that out of my system?

[st33med]

Originally Posted by danas

Im feeling so down
Theres a lot to appreciate in my life. But I feel so down because there's no one partner to share it with.
Without one person to share my life with I do not see the point anymore.
I give so much love and time and acts of kindness to my friends and family. But where is my partner?
My career is going so well now. Financially Im doing well. Health-wise I look and feel great... Thank God. but I dont know what to do.

Love for me is torture. Lets face it. Its just torture for me to open up and get close to someone because I feel so much pain when I realize its never gonna happen with my love interest. Again and again I face rejection.
Why is this pattern happening?
Maybe I get too close too soon. But whats too soon? I get close after a few weeks of mutual closeness.
I attract men who are more and more suitable for me. And then when it doesnt work out it hurts much more.
How do I get out of this pattern?
What actions can I take now?
Yes, if Im brutally honest. In my world Love equals pain.
So how do I get that out of my system?

Keep failing and being rejected and feel proud of yourself. When you open up and they reject you, your doing what most others couldn't bare to do. Failure doesn't have to be negative.

If they were suitable for you, then why doesn't it work out?

[rawxstasy]

I feel the same way. For me love is pain also. But I believe it is because of my patterns of the past in choosing men who are not available or appropriate for me. I think you have a pattern of loving men who are married?

I am reading "Calling In the One" it has lessons to go over each day and it focuses more on yourself and helping you uncover the patterns that make love something that is painful. I have heard that this book has worked for many people. I am also doing Recovery of Your Inner Child" I am finding it helpful to release beliefs about not being loveable or deserving of love.

Love shouldn't be painful.

I attract men who are more and more suitable for me To me this is a sign that you are making better choices and I'm sure the right one will come along soon.

[taylor]

"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." - Buddha

People confuse sentimental attachment with love. Attachments are needy but love is giving. When attachments are taken from you they hurt.

If you need someone else to "complete you" or make you happy, then when they leave you will feel great pain. You have to learn how to be a happy person in general to be okay with people coming and going in your life. Happy people tend to do better in relationships long term as well.

[Solipsist]

If you equate love with pain, then love will equate to pain, for you.

I used to live that experience, myself. This is how I know.

What to do? Find a way to love yourself. Period. Everything else flows from that.

In my case, I had to become so despondent, I prayed for death. That ended up being the cause of me snapping out of it--a la Eckhart Tolle (I discovered later), I put attention into my pain-body, it dissolved a little, and I've been doing it ever since, only to find more joy in my life and in the world, every day. I have since quit smoking pot, quit smoking cigarettes, and I have a girlfriend who is everything I could ever dream of.

My advice is twofold--if you choose to feel pain, really allow yourself to feel it. Don't be half-assed about it.

I'd also advise that you learn to be grateful for those things in your life that are good, and that give you joy. And don't just say "thanks" to the universe, or say Grace before your meals--really feel gratitude. Once you can muster it up, it becomes easier, and you'll cherish those moments when you can feel gratitude. Your life will only change for the better.

Good luck, love, and peace to you. Namaste.

[LostMyMap]

Can't say that I've read Erin Pavlina's blog much, but today I read this: How To Become a Vibrational Match for Your Desire

and I think it applies to your situation. You say you are attracting men that are more suitable to you, which is great. But part of that suitability is someone that doesn't reject you, but instead accepts you. So who you are attracting isn't exactly spot on yet. Which, if you are willing to give the LOA concept a try, means there's still something in your thought pattern that is getting in the way.

I'm gonna take a great big guess here, but the very idea that love=pain is a thought/belief pattern, and according to LOA, if you think that, then that's what your reality becomes. Erin expains all this and what to do about it very well.

And just for the record, I almost cannot believe that I am talking up LOA! But I've seen some evidence of it recently, so I'm willing to give it a shot.

Hope this, well really Erin, helps.

[Savage]

Come to Vegas and I'll introduce you to lots of people you can fall in love with.

Feeling down repels healthy relationships, so don't do that. It's boring.

And if you think you can't help it, help it anyway.

You're the creator here. Know you can have what you desire. If you don't know that, you probably can't have it. Either way, no need to be mopey about it since that cannot possibly help.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Savage

Come to Vegas and I'll introduce you to lots of people you can fall in love with.

Feeling down repels healthy relationships, so don't do that. It's boring.

And if you think you can't help it, help it anyway.

You're the creator here. Know you can have what you desire. If you don't know that, you probably can't have it. Either way, no need to be mopey about it since that cannot possibly help.

Thanks. I am feeling better. Maybe I should come to vegas and hand out with you for a while... Im sure that would sort me out.
But I dont lack people to fall in love with. It seems to happen every few months anyway. I dont even lack those people falling back in love with me, bc that seems to happen too.
Id like to create a relationship that lasts. a relationship that stands a chance. Because this pattern is starting to get boring.
Im a pro at manifesting dreams. fame and fortune? no biggie.
Except with this one dream. Maybe because like I wrote, Love seems to equal pain- so why would I want to create that? But I do anyway.

[carpediem]

Originally Posted by Savage

Feeling down repels healthy relationships, so don't do that. It's boring.

That's such an obvious but great point. I am adding that to my wall of "things I should have realized by now but have always managed to ignore." Right under "Don't bother buying fluffy winter boots in Florida." Just bought a new pair on sale and yeah...its prob gonna sit in that box for a longgg time. Don't know what the hell i was thinking!

[danas]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

Can't say that I've read Erin Pavlina's blog much, but today I read this: How To Become a Vibrational Match for Your Desire

and I think it applies to your situation. You say you are attracting men that are more suitable to you, which is great. But part of that suitability is someone that doesn't reject you, but instead accepts you. So who you are attracting isn't exactly spot on yet. Which, if you are willing to give the LOA concept a try, means there's still something in your thought pattern that is getting in the way.

I'm gonna take a great big guess here, but the very idea that love=pain is a thought/belief pattern, and according to LOA, if you think that, then that's what your reality becomes. Erin expains all this and what to do about it very well.

And just for the record, I almost cannot believe that I am talking up LOA! But I've seen some evidence of it recently, so I'm willing to give it a shot.

Hope this, well really Erin, helps.

Of course LOA is real. very real for me.
Im aware that this belief is what is blocking me. Thats why I wrote here.
To put it out and on the table. I didnt mean that love=pain is a fact. But that its my messed up belief and Im trying to see how to get rid of it.

[ZephyrusX]

I was just thinking about something along these lines. Love is a funny word. Most people I know associate it with romantic attachments. They speak in terms of 'objects of love'. To be honest, the moments in my life where I felt the most love for my self and my environment had nothing to do with other people. The love was something that I generated. I was in a state where I could create beauty, curiosity, joy, compassion, connection, hope, excitement. It felt like love, but that state was something I created, it wasn't an external object that existed outside my self. I then shared my feelings with other people as they came and went, but I didn't depend upon them. Actually, the last few years of my life, I have been focussing more upon the reactions of others for my sense of self worth and I feel less happy and confused.

Originally Posted by taylor

"He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." - Buddha

People confuse sentimental attachment with love. Attachments are needy but love is giving. When attachments are taken from you they hurt.

If you need someone else to "complete you" or make you happy, then when they leave you will feel great pain. You have to learn how to be a happy person in general to be okay with people coming and going in your life. Happy people tend to do better in relationships long term as well.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

I was just thinking about something along these lines. Love is a funny word. Most people I know associate it with romantic attachments. They speak in terms of 'objects of love'. To be honest, the moments in my life where I felt the most love for my self and my environment had nothing to do with other people. The love was something that I generated. I was in a state where I could create beauty, curiosity, joy, compassion, connection, hope, excitement. It felt like love, but that state was something I created, it wasn't an external object that existed outside my self. I then shared my feelings with other people as they came and went, but I didn't depend upon them. Actually, the last few years of my life, I have been focussing more upon the reactions of others for my sense of self worth and I feel less happy and confused.

Agreed. Love is a warm feeling and so wonderful. Attaching it to attachment ( lol ) is not required. Being attached to someone or something is fine, as it is the human condition. We love certain things because they bring something to our life, but loosing that thing due to attachment can be sad, but it's not the end of the world, as you are self-sufficient and can attract other opportunities.

[James81]

I'm kinda waiting for the day when people start realizing how completely ineffective our relationship model is in our society and we, as a whole, try something else.

Until that day, I lead the encounters I have in ways that work for me.

[danas]

Thanks everyone
I have calmed down and Im feeling better.
Been through a lot past too days mixed with jetlag.

Originally Posted by st33med

Keep failing and being rejected and feel proud of yourself. When you open up and they reject you, your doing what most others couldn't bare to do. Failure doesn't have to be negative.

If they were suitable for you, then why doesn't it work out?

Thanks. Thats a nice way of seeing it.

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I think you have a pattern of loving men who are married?

Not really, only the last one was... but I dont think thats the problem.
I think thats the result of the problem.
Like I am so used to experiencing love as pain that I chose it again and again.

Originally Posted by taylor

People confuse sentimental attachment with love. Attachments are needy but love is giving. When attachments are taken from you they hurt.

When I realize I can no longer build a deeper relationship with a man I love, it hurts. Not because Im needy, but because Im sad that I can no longer experience the kind of closeness I was enjoying anymore.

Originally Posted by taylor

If you need someone else to "complete you" or make you happy, then when they leave you will feel great pain. You have to learn how to be a happy person in general to be okay with people coming and going in your life. Happy people tend to do better in relationships long term as well.

thats a bit too simplistic for me.
I know few people who can enjoy their own company as much as I do. I do only what I love doing, everything I do , I do with passion...
I know how to do that. And I am sooo grateful. Everyday I say thank you, and mean it.
I am so blessed I sometimes feel embarrassed to even tell people what Im up too, bc its too dreamlike. I just spent the last 3 weeks in a luxury hotel on a beach being pampered like a queen-all expenses paid- is just one example

But I still dont think that contradicts my desire to share my life with someone

@Solipsist
In a weird way its like Im either happy on my own, so happy that I attract amazing men to my life, but then I get too close too soon and it scares them, and they back off and it ends with me feeling rejected.

[danas]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

I was just thinking about something along these lines. Love is a funny word. Most people I know associate it with romantic attachments. They speak in terms of 'objects of love'. To be honest, the moments in my life where I felt the most love for my self and my environment had nothing to do with other people. The love was something that I generated. I was in a state where I could create beauty, curiosity, joy, compassion, connection, hope, excitement. It felt like love, but that state was something I created, it wasn't an external object that existed outside my self. I then shared my feelings with other people as they came and went, but I didn't depend upon them. Actually, the last few years of my life, I have been focussing more upon the reactions of others for my sense of self worth and I feel less happy and confused.

Yes, thats pretty beautiful and thats where I am before I fall for someone.
But when it gets deep, with me, I also feel pain when my expectations arent met. When I feel rejected. You are right that the main solution is more self love. I must work on that. more and more.

[mikethedrummer44]

Originally Posted by danas

Im feeling so down
Theres a lot to appreciate in my life. But I feel so down because there's no one partner to share it with.
Without one person to share my life with I do not see the point anymore.
I give so much love and time and acts of kindness to my friends and family. But where is my partner?
My career is going so well now. Financially Im doing well. Health-wise I look and feel great... Thank God. but I dont know what to do.

Love for me is torture. Lets face it. Its just torture for me to open up and get close to someone because I feel so much pain when I realize its never gonna happen with my love interest. Again and again I face rejection.
Why is this pattern happening?
Maybe I get too close too soon. But whats too soon? I get close after a few weeks of mutual closeness.
I attract men who are more and more suitable for me. And then when it doesnt work out it hurts much more.
How do I get out of this pattern?
What actions can I take now?
Yes, if Im brutally honest. In my world Love equals pain.
So how do I get that out of my system?

I feel like life is a continuous pattern of pleasure-pain. There's nothing we can do to stop the pattern, just ways to shift the balance of either.

As far as advice, I really don't have any besides the best advice ever. If you don't like something about what you're doing, change that thing until you do. If you find things aren't working out, change the way you approach your idea of finding a partner. Maybe you're putting too much weight on having someone to share your life with?

[ginkgo]

Originally Posted by danas

Im feeling so down
Theres a lot to appreciate in my life. But I feel so down because there's no one partner to share it with.
Without one person to share my life with I do not see the point anymore.
I give so much love and time and acts of kindness to my friends and family. But where is my partner?
My career is going so well now. Financially Im doing well. Health-wise I look and feel great... Thank God. but I dont know what to do.

Love for me is torture. Lets face it. Its just torture for me to open up and get close to someone because I feel so much pain when I realize its never gonna happen with my love interest. Again and again I face rejection.
Why is this pattern happening?
Maybe I get too close too soon. But whats too soon? I get close after a few weeks of mutual closeness.
I attract men who are more and more suitable for me. And then when it doesnt work out it hurts much more.
How do I get out of this pattern?
What actions can I take now?
Yes, if Im brutally honest. In my world Love equals pain.
So how do I get that out of my system?

This is how it is designed. You need to learn from it. When you want love to help you, then it will not work. Maybe you should use love to help others. Maybe you should help strangers. I am not a Christian but Jesus said that any jerk will help a friend.

I am sure that Hitler would help Goerring or Goebles. "Many countries fought in World War 2 and the leaders of some countries became famous as a result of the war. For example, Roosevelt, Churchill & Stalin became famous as the competent leaders of the Allies. On the other side of the fence, Hitler, Goering, Goebbels, Hess, Himmler, Bormann, and Speer became famous as German leaders."

Jesus said that for someone to help an enemy, that is a great thing.

This little old lady was poor and had no boyfriends. But she helped people and got a Noble prize for peace. She took a vow of poverty, chastity and obedience.

Mother Teresa - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Following her death she was beatified by Pope John Paul II and given the title Blessed Teresa of Calcutta.[5][6]

By the 1970s, she was internationally famed as a humanitarian and advocate for the poor and helpless, due in part to a documentary and book Something Beautiful for God by Malcolm Muggeridge. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and India's highest civilian honour, the Bharat Ratna, in 1980 for her humanitarian work.

I use to light my hands on fire and they got burned. I wondered why life was so cruel. Then I entertained the idea that maybe I was wrong and I stopped lighting my hands on fire and they no longer got burned.

Maybe you should re-think your strategy in life since it is not working!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by danas

Its just torture for me to open up and get close to someone because I feel so much pain when I realize its never gonna happen with my love interest.

What's never gonna happen? Love exists in the present; if there's love, then it's already happening right now. If love is really what's important to you, then it's not something you can lose, because you always have it when it's there to be had.

If love isn't your primary consideration, then maybe that's where your problems are coming from. Love doesn't exist a week from now or a year from now; it's an experience, which can only be had when all experiences are had; in the present. The future is the time when expectations and requirements exist, which have nothing to do with love.

So the good news is that the problems you're having don't come from love. Love=/=pain. Perhaps in your case, a more accurate equation would be expectations -> pain. Marriage isn't love, a long-term relationship isn't love, a monogamous relationship isn't love. They neither create it nor ensure it, and if those things are what you're looking for, then love is never what you'll find.

Edit: Love doesn't have a specific form that it conforms to, so if you look for the forms associated with love then you won't find it. You have to find the love first, and then watch to see what form it takes.

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

Now, if love is pain for you, then I've got a question for you: when did love first equal pain for you? This thread isn't the first time this has showed up, is it?

I had a breakthrough time technique session with Angela today. Ive done it with her in the past, but somehow this was left over.
We discovered that my core belief isnt that love equals pain. but rather "this wont work." It was a very strong session and so many things started making sense today. Im changing "This wont work" with "This is working perfectly as it should" or something like that.
I realized how so soon in a new relationship I bring in "This wont work" and I start to panic, get emotionally confused and instincty want to cut it.
The other person feels my panic and my strong emotional confusion, and backs off and at that point I panic more and cut them out. We found the core of that one too... I wont go into it here now though, its too long.

Originally Posted by ssandra

Danas,

As an alternative approach to your dating, a bit more on a logical level:

Do you have a list of "must have" values in your future mate?

If so, instead of falling for someone, dating them, finding out you are compatible/incompatible why not mix it up?

Why not date someone, find out if they are compatible within 2 or 3 dates and move on, or move forward?

You'll still have a chance that things don't work out of course... but at least you'll know at date nr. 1 that he doesn't want kids, before you get emotionally involved with all the feelings and heartache that follows that.

The thing is I havent been "dating" but rather inviting love into my life and when it comes they fit all my list to the T. Spiritual, artistic, honest, curious, wants kids.. etc.. and its too strong for me to back off. It feels so new and good to open up my heart, so i do.

Anyway- now Ive just joined OKcupid and I will start dating.

[danas]

Originally Posted by ginkgo

Maybe you should use love to help others. Mobedience.

Maybe you should re-think your strategy in life since it is not working!

Im totally with you that much fulfillment comes from spreading love. I do not think thats my problem though. I spread a lot of love around and I get a ton of love back. In general I feel very loved. i give and what I give I get 10 time more back.
Still, I would like to experience a relationship with a man in a fairly conservative manner. i.e monogamous.
I do not think I need to become Mother Teresa for that to happen though.

Originally Posted by brendannz

Maybe do nothing for now, and just do something when you're ready to, when you know the time's right..

Its funny, today I feel like I already know what to do. Flow. keep going. date. enjoy. next!
A lot thanks to this thread, and my session with Angela today.
Thanks.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

If love isn't your primary consideration, then maybe that's where your problems are coming from. Love doesn't exist a week from now or a year from now; it's an experience, which can only be had when all experiences are had; in the present. The future is the time when expectations and requirements exist, which have nothing to do with love.

Loving long term monogamous relationship. That is my goal. When it lasts only a month. again and again, against my will, I need to look deeper and see why that is.

[garentee]

patience. seems simple but patience usually means staring fear down and knowing that you will not go without....to gain patience you need to be patient// that is what I have learned and I hope patience comes your way....G

[C33]

This is very positive Danas! It looks like you're already attracting a lot of love in the form of the kindness of strangers ( cute guy on the plane ).

You seem to be able to start up magical conversations/encounters.

One day that conversation will last longer than one month.

whenever I meet someone for the first time, I tend to assume that our relationship is already at the maximum emotional intimacy and that we're already best friends. So there's no real need to deepen anything. I can simply tap into and enjoy the depth that I assume is already there.

Thank you Steve! This totally works! It does take time not to revert to being socially "proper". We are all connected, anyway. Social conditioning make us lose that connection, and recreate artificial connection based on inauthenticity, and disconnecting from the soul and spirit.

When you look at babies, it's wonderful how they assume that everyone is their best friend! And it's working quite well for them!

Ride on that wave of possibility that love is there already. Meeting someone special will just be one form of love manifesting.

As far as the biological clock, I think you should relax a bit, and not make your biological clock decide of your love life.

A lot of women make disastrous choices in partners based on that procreative need.

It would probably help if you could already envision the child, and all the possibilities of love attached to having a child, instead of "acquiring" a father. In a way, find the father that goes with the baby, not the baby that goes with the father.

In "working" in manifesting a child, you are also, concurrently working on manifesting the father of that child.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by danas

Loving long term monogamous relationship. That is my goal. When it lasts only a month. again and again, against my will, I need to look deeper and see why that is.

If you're not enjoying the love you have in the now, there's no way you can expect to enjoy it in the nows to come. If you're not enjoying your love, it's not going to conspire to make you happy. I think your preoccupation with the "long term monogamous" part of your goal is interfering with the "loving" part of it, and in my experience interference of that sort results in failure and disappointment.

I think of that failure as a gift, myself, because it always reminds me that "loving" is the only necessary adjective to a relationship. Getting what you want wouldn't change that you're more concerned with the future than you are with your present experience, which would add a sour note to even the most perfect relationship.

[Dulma]

Love is an umbrella term for a variety of often conflicting concepts, I think. Unconditional love can't ever bring anything but positive, joyful states of being.

But if you "love" with the desire to receive emotional sustenance from someone else, if you're needing something from them, then yes, the ultimate conclusion to the relationship will inevitably be disappointment and pain. It's just not possible for your heart to be "fed" by someone else for in a continued, sustainable, and real way. *You* have to do that for yourself.