Cheating

[dcronje]

I cheated on my husband first time in 27 years! It was awesome! Feel bad about it but I really think I need it. In my late 40's time for proper sex is running very slowly but surely out. He is obese for most of our married life and it just struck me the other day that I have missed a lot over the past years. I got married as a virgin, so I had no real fun yet. The idea is to stay in my relationship because I do care but just keep the guy as a sex partner (he also feel exactly the same) I know it is wrong, but what can I do? Any you can help me to feel better about this?

[Cado]

Forget if it's right or wrong, do you really wanna stay where you are if you can't get what you want from your man and you've got to hide this from him? This has got to be a huge boost but is it sustainable? Because if it's not you'll have to do something and it's better you decide to do it now than wait for the house of cards to tumble.

[Eduard E]

Sounds like a good moment to switch to an open marriage.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by dcronje

I know it is wrong, but what can I do? Any you can help me to feel better about this?

Why do you think it is wrong specifically?

Why do you feel bad about it exactly?

I'm not judging against or for, you just might want to think about why you feel the way you do.

[PraetorianX]

dcronje, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have thought about doing the same thing, but thus far have resisted the urges. You mentioned that he was obese for most of your married life. I can tell you from experience that coming from a mostly sexless marriage myself, that the obesity is more than likely a huge factor in it. He more than likely has a poor self image and thinks that getting naked in front of someone will make them think less of themselves. I am a big guy myself, and I know the feeling.

My suggestion, help him. My wife and I are both big people and we want to be small people. I believe if we were at the weight we wanted to be, that we would have an active sex life. But I don't like the way I look in the mirror and am pretty sure my wife feels the same way about herself. We don't talk about sex and how we feel very well. And maybe that is the same issue you are having? Without talking, understanding and changing....nothing happens; including sex. And thus the urge comes to me to think about cheating.

Now when I say Help Him, it is also helping yourself. But my wife sabotages me in getting fit by getting junk food in the house and all. Help him get fit. Help him win back his self image. Save yourself and your marriage and help it get back to where you want it.

[dcronje]

Thank you for your comment. For 27 years on and off we are trying to get him more in shape, more healthy and fit. He just do not have the discipline to eat healthy. I begged him to try and change his attitude about this for many reasons: He deprived me and my two daughters from a lot during holidays because he cant do anything, we dont have a proper social life, he must do it for health, he must do it for us personally. I would not think of a divorce, because I do care about him, and it will complicate life just too much. That is the reason I have decided to help myself and get someone that shares my view! Me and my cheater decided we will be only sex partners to enjoy sex life to the fullest in many years before we are getting too old! I really hope that you and your wife can work something out, because you are both in the same boat as my husband?

[dcronje]

Praetorianx. I have got really symphathy with you. It is not easy trying to eat healthy if the other party do not want to co-operate! Convince yourself if she do not want to do it to go on your own before it is too late and you feel deprived from a lot of things, especially your sex life. I can tell you my cheater is 11 years older than my husband, and it felt like I was with a guy much younger than him! I repeat, our experience was awesome and I can not wait for the next time. Please get yourself together and go for it. You sound like a very nice guy!

[dcronje]

Eduard E. This is something I will never consider. I am sorry.

[dcronje]

Taylor. Cheating will stay wrong because if the other party finds out there is just too much too loose. It is just difficult not to do it anymore. I have got a marriage of 27 years, 2 beautifull daughters that will get hurt not to talk about my husband. He won't be able to take it. I still do care for him and also love him. To fulfil my life I feel I deserve to cheat now and then with my sex partner, we must just make sure not to get caught!

[secondevolution]

Originally Posted by dcronje

I cheated on my husband first time in 27 years! It was awesome! Feel bad about it but I really think I need it. In my late 40's time for proper sex is running very slowly but surely out. He is obese for most of our married life and it just struck me the other day that I have missed a lot over the past years. I got married as a virgin, so I had no real fun yet. The idea is to stay in my relationship because I do care but just keep the guy as a sex partner (he also feel exactly the same) I know it is wrong, but what can I do? Any you can help me to feel better about this?

So in other words, you want to have your cake and eat it? (....so to speak)

I'd come clean to your partner. Tell him how you really feel. Heck, he might even be okay with the deal if he has no desire to help himself AND your marriage...but I doubt it.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by dcronje

Taylor. Cheating will stay wrong because if the other party finds out there is just too much too loose. It is just difficult not to do it anymore. I have got a marriage of 27 years, 2 beautifull daughters that will get hurt not to talk about my husband. He won't be able to take it. I still do care for him and also love him. To fulfil my life I feel I deserve to cheat now and then with my sex partner, we must just make sure not to get caught!

Have you considered the reason he is where he is is that he's never faced the threat of losing you? If the man won't lift a finger, for your sake or his own, then you're just making excuses. He's dead weight (no pun intended) and the last thing he needs is someone to prop him up.

It might not be a lot, but picking yourself up off the floor burns more calories than sitting still.

[Steel]

Originally Posted by Datum

Life is easy if there is someone else to blame. You, obviously, have no will power, discipline, or knowledge how to get what you want.

Datum, c'mon. The guy is talking about improving, he knows he has to work to do. Go easy on the man.

Great. As long as there are no regrets, you've done the right thing. Men are silly that way. They want to have models next to them, but for the most part not so crazy about getting in shape themselves.

You shot down Praetorian because he is having difficulties changing, and now you're criticizing men because they don't want to change.

[Steel]

Sorry for the off-topic.

For the OP:

1. How would you feel if your husband cheated on you?

2. Have you tried to work out with him the issues you're having (his weight, lack of sex, etc.)?

[Philemon]

You made a commitment. You said it in vows. You broke that. In my personal book of moral consciousness, even without the formal vows, that's a big screw up. You admitted that it's wrong. Witholding it from your husband may create the illusion of security that you seek because you are stuck in your safe zone, but I suspect it will create dissonance in your life.

That said, it's fine that you desire change and excitement. You saw something lacking in your life and you took decisive action to create a change. That shows courage. How else can you be courageous? Sexual fulfillment might just be a beginning to a new journey for you.

Another thought, you say you care for and love your husband. But does that mean you should continue your commitment? Plenty of us have had relationships where we cared for and loved someone but ended the relationship. A relationship, especially a marriage, constitutes something additional to care and love, and that's commitment. It's also truth, trust, honesty, compassion, guidance, assistance, etc.

You ask, "What can I do?"

You can do whatever you choose. Actions have consequences---glorious, destructive, enlightening, painful, and everything between.

[Somnium Dico]

This point has been made, but I want to reinforce it, because it's very true.

Either talk to your husband about making your relationship an open one so you can get what you need, sexually, from men who can and will give it to you, or dump him and move on.

It's understandable. You have needs. You want to get as many good screws in before you lose your libido, something you say your husband isn't up to the task to perform.

There is nothing wrong with a couple being open and letting their significant other sleep with other people. Relationships like such can actually be stronger than a strictly monogamous one.

It's understandable. You have needs. You want to get as many good screws in before you lose your libido, something you say your husband isn't up to the task to perform.

But you're not being open. You're a cheater, taking advantage of your husband's trust and ignorance, and in my humble opinion, there's nothing right about that. Open up, tell your husband what your needs are and what you want to do about it, or leave him if that's too much trouble, because you're definitely not giving the impression that you "care about the relationship" here. I think you care about having A relationship, and this one just happens to have the most mileage on it.

[taylor]

I think it's physically impossible for me to feel jealous so maybe I just don't understand marriage, but how would telling him help anything here? Isn't that just going to hurt her children and husband? And if they never find out, how would they be hurt by this?

[Cado]

To add to what I said earlier: you've broken past one barrier and you've broken a big taboo. Something, somewhere in your life, is going to shift. You may be happy now but if you build where you are you'll be building on sand. Something is clearly wrong in the relationship and this is the point where you decide whether you want to be free or if you're okay with being a prisoner as long as you get conjugal visits.

Because even if you don't wanna get married again you're better off on your own than you are with a man who can't do what you ask of him.

[Ilikeindowem]

Hmm.. ethics to me are wholly subjective, but in general sense I would not condone cheating. Cheating to me is wrong since if one commits to another, then that commitment should stick. If not, then don't align with monogamy.

Nonetheless, I can in some sense see where you are coming from. Granted, he is obese, and sex is an important part of a relationship. However, I think you could have spoken to him about the non-sexual aspect of your marriage.

Is your SO too big to have sex? In a sense, that doesn't make sense, since whilst some positions are not viable, basic ones like doggy style, or even non-intercourse sex can be performed. In honesty, I would say to tell him that you cheated, and perhaps come to some accommodation. If he is non-sexual, then is he assexual? Is he on medication that affects his sex drive? Is he diabetic?

[neilpage]

what's the purpose in a married life?
Wasted time in days gone by? So.... Love has no purpose?
What's the point?
I will get fat and I will grow wrinkles, I will get stretch marks and I will lose my teeth... so til death do us part .... is just words in a unreal world of ....unbelief of true love!
It was awesome for you. so happy you must be happy; therefore I'm am true happy for you!

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by taylor

I think it's physically impossible for me to feel jealous so maybe I just don't understand marriage, but how would telling him help anything here? Isn't that just going to hurt her children and husband? And if they never find out, how would they be hurt by this?

Honesty is key in a relationship. If it is not working for one or both parties, this point needs to be aired.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by Ilikeindowem

Honesty is key in a relationship. If it is not working for one or both parties, this point needs to be aired.

Can you, or anyone, elaborate a little more on why exactly honesty is key? Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning anything, I'm just curious as to why it's a good idea to bring up something that's going to make big problems for everyone. This isn't a rhetorical question. I'm genuinely curious.

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by taylor

Can you, or anyone, elaborate a little more on why exactly honesty is key? Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning anything, I'm just curious as to why it's a good idea to bring up something that's going to make big problems for everyone. This isn't a rhetorical question. I'm genuinely curious.

She needs to communicate that she is getting little from the relationship.

[taylor]

Originally Posted by Ilikeindowem

She needs to communicate that she is getting little from the relationship.

She didn't say she's unhappy with the relationship overall. She just said she needs sex and he's not going to fulfill that desire for her. She wants to stay with him.

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by taylor

She didn't say she's unhappy with the relationship overall. She just said she needs sex and he's not going to fulfill that desire for her. She wants to stay with him.

How is that not being unhappy with the relationship?

[taylor]

Originally Posted by Ilikeindowem

How is that not being unhappy with the relationship?

Now she's getting that desire met outside the marriage on the down-low. Therefore her desires are currently fulfilled as far as she's explained to us. If she were to tell him, the marriage would probably end, and she (and her family) would have many more desires unmet.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by taylor

She didn't say she's unhappy with the relationship overall. She just said she needs sex and he's not going to fulfill that desire for her. She wants to stay with him.

It sounds like a cover-up for something deeper. It's entirely possible she'll keep it secret, let things go on as they are and nothing will happen, but:

1. You can't account for chaos. Something unforeseen could oust her.

2. If something is hidden, she'll sabotage herself. It may not be in the most obvious way-her health could suffer, she could experience panic attacks due to guilt, etc. This moment in linear time is not representative of the whole tapestry.

Honesty now allows for a controlled demolition, and it will prevent more energy from building up so the explosion is more subdued than it would be later on.

Of course there is a possibility that nothing will happen. As this forum encourages conscious action, I think it's only fair the posters present a number of possible scenarios so she does what she does fully accepting both the rewards and the potential consequences.

[taylor]

I see what you're saying Cado. I agree she's playing with fire here, but I hope it works out for the best for everyone involved. I guess I'd just like to see everything be fine rather than any demolition, controlled or otherwise. Maybe the damage is already done though. Who can say...

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by taylor

Now she's getting that desire met outside the marriage on the down-low. Therefore her desires are currently fulfilled as far as she's explained to us. If she were to tell him, the marriage would probably end, and she (and her family) would have many more desires unmet.

Feeling fulfilled that your desires are being met and feeling guilty at the same time...kinda cancels the good out, dontcha think?

If you are going to do this, and feel good for some of the time and crappy about it for the rest of the time, then that's a large portion of your reality spent feeling bad, just to have fun!

Wouldn't it be better to just be able to have fun without feeling bad about it?

What do you need to do to achieve this?

[wstein]

Being deceptive and stepping out in secret is going to take its toll on the marriage even if he never finds out. Clearly there are unresolved issues in your marriage and talking about such things is very difficult. However, saying you want to stay married while damaging that very relationship is not a beneficial thing to do. If you are serious about your marriage, you need to find a way to resolve the issues that make you feel you need to get your needs met elsewhere behind his back.

[Ilikeindowem]

Originally Posted by taylor

Now she's getting that desire met outside the marriage on the down-low. Therefore her desires are currently fulfilled as far as she's explained to us. If she were to tell him, the marriage would probably end, and she (and her family) would have many more desires unmet.

It doesn't matter. If any aspect of a relationship is not right, it should be discussed. It's akin to an untreated sore, initially it seems no big deal, but it can be ill-advised to leave it be.