The Magic of Self-Love

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by shallownot

It depends. I think self love can be overrated. I've found that some people who love themselves a lot and accept themselves very much but have terrible attitudes and are self centred.

I think loving others is the greatest remedy. As you said, self-love, is really, well, for self.


But sure...I get the the point.

Both self-love and love for others are important. Neither one should ever be lacking if you want emotional and social well-being. Each reinforces the other; each can build upon the other. Both kinds are also one, though. To love another very deeply is to know you can deeply love yourself. To love yourself deeply is to know you can deeply love another. I was worried that I am not loving enough... but I think I just need to be more conscious - to love in new and deeper ways.

I wrote this recently on a notepad:

Love is such a fragmented thing, an imperfect thing, an infinite thing: just think—how many ways of loving are there in the world? Just as many as there are of understanding — and who ever understands everything? Who ever loves perfectly, completely, unconditionally? if every way of loving be a condition? Love is as finite as the lover, as infinite as the loved.

[SethWilliams]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

There is difference between an ego type of love, such as "I love this car, it's the best!", and an unconditional type of love which goes "I love and care for you no matter what you do."

I concur with this very much

[HoneyHeart]

Empowering.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by SethWilliams

I concur with this very much

Me, too.

[Rezzy7]

This concept is foreign to me, because, regardless of how accepting I am of myself, if a huge sample of the people I interact with are giving me the opposite message, it seems I'm just deluding myself.

Originally Posted by Le Roi

There is difference between an ego type of love, such as "I love this car, it's the best!", and an unconditional type of love which goes "I love and care for you no matter what you do."

What about...

"I love (owning) this car, I'm the best!"? That's the kind of "self-love" that is actually not.

[Laurenaus]

self love is so. effing. hard. ive been single for 3 years and i really miss having a boyfriend and i keep having to watch guys i want go to other women. It's hell.

[Umech]

A fascinating thread, fascinating enough for me to register and make my first post!

I was drawn to this forum because like everyone else I have been reading this blog for years and am going through a painful break up. Initially I was looking for a thread to share my story but then I read this post and felt that my heartbreak was not important. What was important is how I actually attracted my ex and I will therefore not hijack this thread but share how I did meet the "one" and will meet the "one" again because we can all meet more than one the "one!

I had reached the stage of my life where I had become confident in myself as an individual. This confidence did not come from a six pack (which I don't have) or model looks. It came from a sense of worth I would experience everytime I would share a moment with a friend or a stranger where all I wanted to do was help that person see how beautiful they were regardless of gender. I would see people drifting and see that all they required was a gentle nudge or sometimes firm push in the right direction. Helping people felt so right, on many occasions I would never see a person again but that didn't matter as long as I felt I had done or said something to reflect back to that individual that they were special, even if they couldn't see it themselves. I do not see this as being an act of altruism as I do not believe in altruism as we give for our own benefit! If we give our life for someone else we give because we chose to make the sacrifice but I digress ;-)

Everytime I gave my love and time to someone I felt such a degree of peace and contentment. In this precise moment I felt such a love and connectedness that I believed I could attract anything and anyone whether it just be a smile or a feeling of warmth and love from a stranger.

I am convinced this is how I attracted my partner. I may not be with this person anymore but I truly believe I attracted this person because I learnt to love myself on a deep and spiritual level. I created love and attracted love in return. You could call this my Subjective reality or label it whatever you wish to do so.

This is a heartbroken individual just typing these words, just to say that as mixed up as I feel right now, my only path to healing is to love myself again. To love myself is to set myself free and only then will I invite love back into my life again.

Thanks Dulma!

[OptimistPrime]

Love this thread.

[psionyx]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Love this thread.

Really, you should love yourself first.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by psionyx

Really, you should love yourself first.

i c wut u did thar

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by OptimistPrime

Love this thread.

Love your username.

[OptimistPrime]

Thanks. For what you said just now, and for starting the thread.

[evevera]

As great as this topic is, and it's true to some degree. When you think about it, you can't really obtain "self love" without getting external love first.

Most people gain confidence/love for themself due to OTHER people giving it to them first. We're social creatures, and we look to others to give us SOME form of validation. Whether that person was your parents whilst growing up or friends or teachers. Everytime someone praised us for doing something good, it strengths our confidence in ourself and grows that love we have for ourself too.

If you were to grow up completely unloved, neglected, abused and hated all your life, I highly doubt you're going to have much self-love.. and even if self-help gurus say to just love yourself more, you're not going to even understand what that means because love was never ever shown to you by someone else.

How can you truly love yourself when you have never felt cared for or loved by someone else? Even your parents?

So I think the problem is we tend to glaze over compliments by other people or take for granted the love our parents and friends have for us (even our partners), and not truly believe what they say.. hence some people's lack of self-love.

If you truly want to grow that aspect of yourself, start to really believe it when people praise you, even if it's the smallest thing like your hair looking good or you losing a bit of weight, don't just brush it off as something they just say to be nice, really believe it and love yourself/be proud of yourself for it.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by evevera

When you think about it, you can't really obtain "self love" without getting external love first.

Most people gain confidence/love for themself due to OTHER people giving it to them first. We're social creatures, and we look to others to give us SOME form of validation. Whether that person was your parents whilst growing up or friends or teachers. Everytime someone praised us for doing something good, it strengths our confidence in ourself and grows that love we have for ourself too.

If you were to grow up completely unloved, neglected, abused and hated all your life, I highly doubt you're going to have much self-love.. and even if self-help gurus say to just love yourself more, you're not going to even understand what that means because love was never ever shown to you by someone else.

How can you truly love yourself when you have never felt cared for or loved by someone else? Even your parents?

So I think the problem is we tend to glaze over compliments by other people or take for granted the love our parents and friends have for us (even our partners), and not truly believe what they say.. hence some people's lack of self-love.

If you truly want to grow that aspect of yourself, start to really believe it when people praise you, even if it's the smallest thing like your hair looking good or you losing a bit of weight, don't just brush it off as something they just say to be nice, really believe it and love yourself/be proud of yourself for it.

Of course having received love from others would help in cultivating acceptance of oneself. But that's like saying you can't obtain money without having some money - while this isn't false, it's not a rule. Just like you can go out and "sell" your talent as value and get money without having to spend a dime, so you can start from 0 love and, with increasing awareness, learn to nurture yourself in that capacity.

The problem with pointing out that love arises from the love we get from others is that that's exactly what drives people to keep hungering for approval and affection from relationships, family, peers, society.

[ginkgo]

Great post, Dulma!

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Laurenaus

self love is so. effing. hard. ive been single for 3 years and i really miss having a boyfriend and i keep having to watch guys i want go to other women. It's hell.

Right there with you. It's been about 5 years for me.

[Helesinine]

^^ Great thread, Dulma! And you look great too!

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by ginkgo

Great post, Dulma!

Thank you

Originally Posted by Helesinine

^^ Great thread, Dulma! And you look great too!

Gracias

[SeaRod]

I believe the real problem is our understanding of "Love". To quote Stephen R. Covey: "Love is not a primarily a feeling, it is primarily an action". Love intrinsically is not about you, it is about the other. Love is relational. Love is not about your feelings, love is about sharing with the other person, listening to the other person, making the other person smile and laugh.

When we feel most "loved", it is when we are focused on loving (action) others. When we feel most lonely, it is when we are focused on our self and our problems.

Furthermore, no man is an island. No person has made it this far in life without someone that cared for them and loved them.

[mikej]

Originally Posted by SeaRod

I believe the real problem is our understanding of "Love". To quote Stephen R. Covey: "Love is not a primarily a feeling, it is primarily an action". Love intrinsically is not about you, it is about the other. Love is relational. Love is not about your feelings, love is about sharing with the other person, listening to the other person, making the other person smile and laugh.

When we feel most "loved", it is when we are focused on loving (action) others. When we feel most lonely, it is when we are focused on our self and our problems.

Furthermore, no man is an island. No person has made it this far in life without someone that cared for them and loved them.

I disagree. I know plenty of people who find it easy to love others but still don't feel loved themselves. I used to be that way myself until I stopped depending on other people to make me happy.

But, as with most things in life, it's about striking a balance - sharing with others but also being good to ourselves.

[C33]

Self- Love is crucial, but what is even more important is to know oneself.

If you don't know yourself, thoroughly, then you can't love yourself totally. Also, you must love who you are in the process of becoming, and be in the position of determining who you are becoming. If you have that power of choice, then you are intrisically confident, you don't even have to act confident

It's more important to love and accept of your TRUE self, whether you call it your essence, core, soul, etc...

This is the world where relationships are superficial, where people "advertise" themselves on the dating "market", and fall for other people's smart advertising.
In that world of "fake it before you make it", who you are does not matter, as long as what you "appear to be" is desirable.

If you truly know yourself and love yourself: rejection in that world is nothing.

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by C33

Self- Love is crucial, but what is even more important is to know oneself.

If you don't know yourself, thoroughly, then you can't love yourself totally. Also, you must love who you are in the process of becoming, and be in the position of determining who you are becoming. If you have that power of choice, then you are intrisically confident, you don't even have to act confident

It's more important to love and accept of your TRUE self, whether you call it your essence, core, soul, etc...

This is the world where relationships are superficial, where people "advertise" themselves on the dating "market", and fall for other people's smart advertising.
In that world of "fake it before you make it", who you are does not matter, as long as what you "appear to be" is desirable.

If you truly know yourself and love yourself: rejection in that world is nothing.

Wow, you really hit the nail on the head with this one! It's so true.

[SeaRod]

Originally Posted by mikej

I disagree. I know plenty of people who find it easy to love others but still don't feel loved themselves. I used to be that way myself until I stopped depending on other people to make me happy.

But, as with most things in life, it's about striking a balance - sharing with others but also being good to ourselves.

From my experience, sharing with others is being good to myself.

The way I see this: At our deathbed, I doubt many of us would be saying "MAN, I wish I would have loved myself more." Sounds ludicrous.

[mikej]

Originally Posted by SeaRod

From my experience, sharing with others is being good to myself..

Sure, sharing with others can feel really good but if a person really doesn't love themself the feeling won't last very long. That's my experience anyway.

The way I see this: At our deathbed, I doubt many of us would be saying "MAN, I wish I would have loved myself more." Sounds ludicrous

That sounds more sad than ludicrous to me.

[Grandiouse]

So how is self-love/self-acceptance developed? Can it be developed? Or is it a feeling that grows over time?

[Dulma]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

So how is self-love/self-acceptance developed? Can it be developed? Or is it a feeling that grows over time?

It must be consciously cultivated.

I'm still working on how this whole developing self-love thing works, but I love this simple, sweet article of Erin's: 10 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love

I think when we realize what's true in us and learn to be more aware, we grow to love ourselves automatically.