She thinks that she can´t trust me anymore

[kyokushin]

My girlfriend and I moved together two weeks ago. We weren´t sure if that was the best solution (we´ve known each other for only 6 months), but under the circumstances it seemed like the best solution (she had to move out of her old apartment and because of her pets it was impossible for her to find a new apartment).

Contrary to her, I´ve never been in a relationship before. For her this was the first time that she lives together with someone else. She is an independent woman that treasures her privacy, so I knew that things weren´t going to be easy. But then, nothing is easy in life.
We had a few minor fights (partly because of the new environment, or the stress from her job), but things went better than expected. Things were well arranged, we were able to adjust our lives to each other, I was quite happy with the way things were.

Before she moved in we had a big fight (I just completely missed some appointments with her, so she thought that I don´t respect her). IMO it´s natural that people sometimes have disagreements with each other, and letting her waiting in the rain was definitely my fault. It´s a weakness that I´ve been fearlessly fighting since then.
Living together with her did wonders for my character. I felt more motivated to organize my life, to get back on track and move forward. I organized my days, bought a small notepad to keep a to-do list with me, spent less time on the computer (and the time I did spend on the computer was much more productive), took care of the house, ... I finally felt that I was getting rid of procrastination. I attribute most of this to her. All the plans I had, suddenly I began to put all these into action.

I also thought that it was good for her. She´s outgoing, but doesn´t really trust other people. I think that she has experienced failure and disappointment too often in her life. She told me that she never felt that she had a home. In the past two weeks, she told me several times that there are moments when she suddenly feels at home here. I knew that this was a process that needs time. For reasons that I don´t want to write down, it´s a rather difficult situation for her here. She far away from home, hardly has any friends here (she´s missing her friends from home) and my life and its circumstances (I just have part-time job that makes it hard for me to have any spare money). Add to that, that the apartment I am living in is my mother´s apartment. She moved out and my girlfriend moved in. One reason why she has trouble feeling at home. It still looks like my mother´s apartment.

Yesterday she was tired and to bed early.Actually she just fell asleep before she took a shower. She woke up at around 3am and decided to take a shower. I wanted to get dressed and went into her room (we share our wardrobe). I got my pajama and stood in the middle of her room. She has still kept her stuff in boxes in the corner of her room. Her calendar was lying on the floor. I was just standing there thinking about something. Suddenly she came and stared at me.
"You´re looking at my calendar! You´re a spy. I hate you." And left the room.
I thought that she was joking. I followed her and was joking along with her. She repeated that for awhile "You´re a spy, you´re looking at other people´s stuff. I hate you."
I didn´t realize that she was serious. I just kept on laughing. She told me that it´s obvious that I´m guilty, that´s why I´m laughing. It was as if she was acting a bad TV Drama. (she used to be an stage actress)

It wasn´t until she left the room that I realized that she was dead serious.

How am I supposed to react in such a situation? it was just too bizzare.

A few minutes later she came back to my room and asked me why I was looking through her stuff. I told her that I didn´t.

"So, why did you know that my calendar was on the floor?"
How is it possible for me not to see that calendar, when it´s lying on the floor, 0.5m from the door away?
"If you weren´t looking at my calendar, you wouldn´t have mentioned it."
"This is just ridiculous, you mentioned the calendar! That´s why I told you that I didn´t look at the calendar."
"So you did look at my calendar!"
"No."
"So, why did you know that the calendar was on the floor?"
"I saw your calendar lying on the floor, that´s why I know that."
"I knew it."
"What? I saw your calendar, but I didn´t look at it."
"Awhile ago, you told me that you didn´t saw my calendar. Now you´re telling me that you saw my calendar on the floor."
"WTF, I was standing two meteres away from that calendar, how am I supposed to see what you were writing in your calendar?" (I was joking earlier that it was disappointing to see that there was nothing interesting in her calendar)

"Okay, but you were thinking about my calendar. You wanted to know what´s in there."
"No. I never cared about your calendar. I didn´t even know that you have one."
"So, why were you looking at my stuff?"
"I wasn´t. Your boxes have been here for two weeks. You´re working everyday. If I want to take a look at your things I would´ve done that earlier. I even cleaned your room once, I could´ve opened your boxes to see your belongings if I wanted. Why should I do that when you´re at home?"
"So you checked my belongings when I was absent? You know, you were the only one that I could believe in since I came here." (and she´s serious, I know that)
"No, never. I don´t care about your boxes. There´s nothing of remote interest in your boxes."
"How do you know that there´s nothing interesting in there? You must have opened the boxes to know that."
"I don´t know what you have in your boxes, I just never thought that there´s anything interesting in there. "
"You´re hiding something. That´s why you´re talking so much. You never talk that much. If you haven´t done anything wrong, there´s no reason for you to be upset. Did you read my diary?"
"No, I didn´t read your diary. Besides, it´s not even written in English, how am I supposed to read it?" (she´s from another country)
"Why do you know that it´s not written in English?"
...

That was just so ridiculous, I wasn´t even really upset because the whole situation just seemed so unreal. It was as if she read a Psychology 101 book and analyzed me acording to that book.
"You´re laughing, that means that you´re hiding something."
"You´re suddenly nice to me. You did something bad."
"You didn´t look into my eyes, you´re lying." (she was constantly staring at my eyes, it looked so weird, I had to laugh).

She later asked me to remove all my things and my mother´s things from her room (I offered that to her earlier, but she never minded the things).

I tried to explain to her that there are not a lot of things for me to look at when I´m in her room. If I´m standing in fron of the wardrobe I can just look at her bed, the windows or her boxes. And I was just thinking about something and not even looking at anything. I was looking at her boxes, trying to figure out what there is that is making me all these problems.
"See, you´re looking at my boxes. I knew that you´re curious about my belongings. Why were you looking at my boxes now?"

What am I supposed to say?

"I just opened all my boxes and you were looking at my boxes to see what´s in there."
WTF?
"Yeah, you opened the boxes, but there is nothing to see."
"I knew it, do you know that this really hurts me?"
"He? Why are we suddenly talking about some boxes that you have opened? What does that have to do with the whole thing?"
"The boxes were closed. I just opened the boxes. You came in and realized that the boxes were opened. That´s why you were looking at the boxes. If you weren´t looking at the boxes before, you wouldn´t have realized that I have just opened the boxes."

Was that supposed to be a stupid test? If so, I guess I just failed even thoug h I didn´t realize that I made a mistake.

"You just told me that you opened the boxes."
"I didn´t."
"Yes, you did."


I felt like in a bad film. She told me that I didn´t act appropriately. How can i? Imagine your girlfriend coming home telling you that you just killed her mother! After you tell her that you never did anything like,she tells you that you were thinking about killing her mother.
This is so ridiculous that I had real problems taking it all serious. Doesn´t help when your girlfriend is an actress (a few months ago, she pulled off a "Sorry, I´m already married" show with tears in her eyes).

"last time, when you cleaned my rooms, you did look at my things."
"No, I didn´t."
"Yeah, you were moving my boxes and you told me that put everything back to make it look like before. Why would you say that when you have nothing to hide?"
"I didn´t say that, at least I don´t remember that I said that.I just moved your writing blocks, folders and your laptop out of the way. I never touched your boxes."
"But why did you try to put things back the way they were before? That´s the way a criminal would think!"
"Well, if I clean someone´s room, I don´t want to change the look of the room."
"You´re contradicting yourself. You said earlier that you moved my boxes."
"I don´t remember that I said that. If I did, it was a mistake. I never touched you boxes."
"How can you clean my room, if you don´t move the boxes?"
"I just cleaned around the boxes. I never touched your boxes. I never looked into your boxes. I don´t care about your boxes."
"How can you prove that?"
"I can´t. What am I supposed to do?"
"You see, that´s why I can´t trust you anymore."
She was crying, and sleeping alone in her room.

This morning she told me again that always thought that I was someone special.Now she found out that I´m just an ordinary guy.

Sorry for this long post. I don´t know what this is supposed to be about.So I just wrote too much.Sorry. I´m just kinda lost. Not knowing what to do. I left my part-time job three hours ago and decided not to go home. Hanging around doing nothing.

[shesaboutspirit]

I wonder what you do at the part time job? Because in my opinion...you're a very good writer. That post of yours reads like a novel...and let me tell you, I don't usually like novels...but I enjoyed reading your thoughts. You have a knack for interjecting interesting details...

Anyway...I'm glad you wrote. Even if you don't know what you think you're writing for, it's still healthy to write it down. Do you feel any better after getting it down and seeing it in print? I know it can be scary to put yourself out here...

You talk a lot about her feelings and trust etc., but I wonder how much you can trust her when she constantly attacks and judges you that way? Is that something you want to endure on a regular basis?

Pam

[Lychee]

Ok, well...I'm going to go out on a limb here and write my thoughts based on what I've read.

She believes your viewing her calendar is an invasion of her privacy. I think she is on her guard all, if not most, of the time even with you. You said she doesn't trust many people and from the way that she reacted to this situation, it's clear that she doesn't trust you completely as well. She is paranoid and on the lookout of any sense of betrayal or invasion of her privacy. It may be that her independence is a sign of her identity and she doesn't want to lose it. It may be that throughout her life she let people in but she was betrayed or hurt in one sense or another, and she has heightened her sense of danger towards her well-being by catching little nuisances which may not mean much at all. She was not arguing over just the calendar. She was arguing over something greater which is her sense of identity (which includes her independence and privacy). She doesn't want to be hurt again and she was trying to protect herself.

Everyone is unique. Her evaluation of your uniqueness or lack thereof has nothing to do with who you really are. IMO, she is very hurt and on guard all the time, and her moving in with you (according to her) was a huge step of trust. She thought when you looked at her calender that you didn't trust her and that shattered her trust for you. She is not used to opening herself completely to others and by moving in with you, she made herself very vulnerable. Maybe she hasn't let herself be vulnerable in a very long time so she was on the look-out for any red flags that might indicate that you might hurt her or disrespect her in anyway. Perhaps this "independent woman" persona has worked for her for so long she strives to keep that identity a part of her because she learned to protect herself.

Why did you quit your job?

[bellbird]

Lychee, what a very interesting and valid way of looking at it. Gee whizz kyokushin that's a tough one. The thing is though.. that most likely what you say to explain yourself, she is not going to believe you (as you've noticed...). It's by your actions not your words that she believes you. What on earth has happened to this young woman that she's all tightened up like that? The way you describe her she is like a catabout to pounce. It makes sense though for her to understand that as she moved in with you, and you're not flatmates as such, that there's no reason why you could NOT look into a closet if you wanted to. Obviously you do respect her privacy but she got the wrong end of the stick here. It's actually her doing the avoiding and not being open with you which is a bit ironic. If you really like her it's probably a good idea to say sorry that you upset her, eventhough you know you haven't done a thing. Apologizing for inadvertely setting someone off has a calming effect, it doesn't matter who did what. For your peace of mind it would be nice to get to know her better as to understand her way of thinking better. This way it makes it a heck of a lot easier to live with her. And for heavens sake, redecorate the apartment to your liking if you can please . No woman would like a man's mothers possessions in her face. Build your own house atmosphere . (Even if you can't paint etc you can still de-mother it by rearranging and putting your own stamp on it.)
PS: I agree you write really well. It's quite easy to picture the stage.