Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 04:35 AM

The guy whom i have been going out with for past 4 mths, is still visiting dating websites. But we agreed to be mutually exclusive.

I'm wondering if this is reason to break up.

I created a fake profile and he has responded, though we haven't fix a "date" yet.

i feel terrible doing this.

It is clear that he likes me and really enjoy my company and is caring to me.

but i also sense that he is distracted elsewhere.

Is it that I need to wait for both of us to build closer bonds?

Or is this inappropriate behavior that means he is not into me, so it calls for a breakup?

beast · 05-14-2011, 04:38 AM

If his use of dating sites isn't reason enough to break up, your deceit probably is.

Did you guys really agree to be exclusive, or did you tell him you wanted to be exclusive and he figured it was best to just go along for the ride?

st33med · 05-14-2011, 04:47 AM

I agree it is quite deceptive to make a fake account to make him go on a date online. Have you thought about opening up to him that you are hurt by his acts? Don't blame him, just talk to him about what you feel and listen, and you two both decide what to do. Blame in my experience only causes more hurt.

Being open maybe very hard for you because it may feel very uncomfortable and make you want to place the other person as the cause for your feelings. But it being open to people about something you feel affects the both of you is something I value. I'm not advocating that you should be open, but in my experience it is what I find works best. In all honesty, it is a tough path to follow, but I learn as I go on on what things I need to talk about without restraint to someone. It will pay off in the end and end in less hurt feelings.

Love,
Andrew

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beast

If his use of dating sites isn't reason enough to break up, your deceit probably is.

Did you guys really agree to be exclusive, or did you tell him you wanted to be exclusive and he figured it was best to just go along for the ride?

we agreed to be mutually exclusive and that time, he said he hasn't been meeting up people from the website.

but that was 2 mths back and now he is still visiting.

I feel terrible.

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by st33med

I agree it is quite deceptive to make a fake account to make him go on a date online. Have you thought about opening up to him that you are hurt by his acts? Don't blame him, just talk to him about what you feel and listen, and you two both decide what to do. Blame in my experience only causes more hurt.

i don't want to blame.

but while i want to give him freedom and giving him space to develop the relationship, i wonder if letting him visit the website means that it is encroaching on my boundary.

is my boundary reasonable?

st33med · 05-14-2011, 05:03 AM

Oops, I edited my post while you were posting a new post!

Anyways...

It is a reasonable boundary if you see it as so. Talk to him about it and see if the boundary is something you want to work on.

The Cloud · 05-14-2011, 05:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

Or is this inappropriate behavior that means he is not into me, so it calls for a breakup?

Why aren't you capable of deciding on your own who you want to be in a relationship with?

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Why aren't you capable of deciding on your own who you want to be in a relationship with?

i do and i had chosen him among many dates. And it has turned out this way.

Indiana · 05-14-2011, 10:01 AM

So he's lying to you and you're lying to him. Doesn't really sound like the basis for a great romance.

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indiana

So he's lying to you and you're lying to him. Doesn't really sound like the basis for a great romance.

yup. i don't like how this turns out....

i guess i deserve a guy who can make me feel more secure, then i don't have to resort to such deceit.

i really want an honorable relationship.

how should i go about breaking up?

how do i put it?

do i need to confess ?

rawxstasy · 05-14-2011, 10:19 AM

I think it would be a good learning experience also for your boyfriend if you explain that you felt insecure in the relationship and as a result made the fake account and contacted him.

Indiana · 05-14-2011, 10:21 AM

Sure. Fess up. Give it to him straight.

You: "Hey, Bob. You know how we had that conversation about being exclusive?"

Bob: "Yes."

You: "We agreed we were going to be, right?"

Bob: "Yep."

You: "Is there anything you would like to tell me, Bob?"

Bob: "Uh. No?"

You: "Okay. Well, there's really no way to sugar-coat or excuse this. But I got an intuition that you weren't really being sincere when you agreed to be exclusive. And so I created a fake profile on OKC. And you know that cute girl Anne-Marie you've been chatting with? I'm afraid that's not going to go any further, Bob. Also, neither are we. It seems like you're not ready to actually have an exclusive relationship."

Bob: "Wait. You're Anne-Marie? You created that profile to see if you could catch me out? What sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do is that?"

You: "Yes, that's what I'm saying. Sorry. It was a sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do, but I think now we both have the opportunity to find a different relationship that actually suits our needs. Don't be afraid to tell your next girlfriend if you're not really ready for an exclusive commitment, Bob. I'll be going now. Goodbye, Bob."

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indiana

Sure. Fess up. Give it to him straight.

You: "Hey, Bob. You know how we had that conversation about being exclusive?"

Bob: "Yes."

You: "We agreed we were going to be, right?"

Bob: "Yep."

You: "Is there anything you would like to tell me, Bob?"

Bob: "Uh. No?"

You: "Okay. Well, there's really no way to sugar-coat or excuse this. But I got an intuition that you weren't really being sincere when you agreed to be exclusive. And so I created a fake profile on OKC. And you know that cute girl Anne-Marie you've been chatting with? I'm afraid that's not going to go any further, Bob. Also, neither are we. It seems like you're not ready to actually have an exclusive relationship."

Bob: "Wait. You're Anne-Marie? You created that profile to see if you could catch me out? What sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do is that?"

You: "Yes, that's what I'm saying. Sorry. It was a sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do, but I think now we both have the opportunity to find a different relationship that actually suits our needs. Don't be afraid to tell your next girlfriend if you're not really ready for an exclusive commitment, Bob. I'll be going now. Goodbye, Bob."

ok, that's cool indiana.

I have justed asked to see him and he said we'll meet on monday.

funny thing is, for sunday night, he's already asked to meet the girl WHO DOES NOT EXIST.

I don't know whether to tell him, "u're going to be free on sunday night, so why not you and i meet on sunday night?"

it breaks my heart to see things turn out this way.

AlmostGodess · 05-14-2011, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

ok, that's cool indiana.

I have justed asked to see him and he said we'll meet on monday.

funny thing is, for sunday night, he's already asked to meet the girl WHO DOES NOT EXIST.

I don't know whether to tell him, "u're going to be free on sunday night, so why not you and i meet on sunday night?"

it breaks my heart to see things turn out this way.

Go and meet him. You will both face your truth. Once you talk about this, you might gain more clarity about what kind of partner you want for yourself.

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

Go and meet him. You will both face your truth. Once you talk about this, you might gain more clarity about what kind of partner you want for yourself.

isn't that even more deceitful?

AlmostGodess · 05-14-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

isn't that even more deceitful?

This is for you to decide. If you don't go, you might always think that he was just chatting with other girls and that this is ok.

Are you scared of his reaction or of your own?

Manixander · 05-14-2011, 02:13 PM

Just ask him about things. I really do think there's no better way than just to talk it out and say how you feel.

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

This is for you to decide. If you don't go, you might always think that he was just chatting with other girls and that this is ok.

Are you scared of his reaction or of your own?

i'm afraid of his reaction...

seems like a cruel thing to do.... to trick the guy.

AlmostGodess · 05-14-2011, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

i'm afraid of his reaction...

seems like a cruel thing to do.... to trick the guy.

What about him being cruel to you?

I just have this feeling that you are not convinced about the future of your relationship with him and you need a cold shower to wake up

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

What about him being cruel to you?

I just have this feeling that you are not convinced about the future of your relationship with him and you need a cold shower to wake up

feeling based on what?

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

What about him being cruel to you?

I just have this feeling that you are not convinced about the future of your relationship with him and you need a cold shower to wake up

he might hv done something bad.

am i suppose to be judging and feel like a victim? and call him a heartless cad?

AlmostGodess · 05-14-2011, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

he might hv done something bad.

am i suppose to be judging and feel like a victim? and call him a heartless cad?

No, you can choose the answer you want to have and this answer does not necessarily needs to involve you feeling bad or weak. You can also keep going on with him if this feels right to you.

What do you, yourself, want?

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

No, you can choose the answer you want to have and this answer does not necessarily needs to involve you feeling bad or weak. You can also keep going on with him if this feels right to you.

What do you, yourself, want?

i just want to honor myself and stop wasting my time with this idiot.

i want my stuff back, and he can have his book back.

good riddance. i can put my time to better use.

i want a guy who can run along life side by side with me, not drag me down like this guy did.

This guy has begun to live in my past.

C33 · 05-14-2011, 03:46 PM

I think you need to see how far he is pushing the dating thing.

Right now, he is just chatting up a girl on a dating website. For him, it might not really be cheating but a form or recreation, ego tripping and a way into fantasy. Right now, he is fantasizing about this fake girl, having a virtual relationship with her.

On the other hand, if he shows up at the date, that means he has intentions to be unfaithful and to actively date another person. Therefore, his promises of exclusivity are a big lie. Even more so, he has no intention of being exclusive, he's just giving you want you want so he gets what he wants.

Personallly, in both cases, it doesn't forebode well on a future with him.
You say you want an honorable partner, maybe your time will be better invested somewhere else.

There is a reason why you don't trust him: he is not trustworthy. That instinct pushed you to seek confirmation. Yes, it's a sneaky thing to do, but this guy is not making you feel secure and you are looking for security in facts.

An honorable man won't give you that icky feeling that something is going wrong and you are being lied to. Yes, there are people who are paranoid and see betrayal where there is none.

This guy makes you mistrust your instinct because he is to be mistrusted.

It seems that you are still ready to give him a chance to explain. Emotionally, are you ready for 4 more months of insecurity?

Best of luck with that.

AlmostGodess · 05-14-2011, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

i just want to honor myself and stop wasting my time with this idiot.

i want my stuff back, and he can have his book back.

good riddance. i can put my time to better use.

i want a guy who can run along life side by side with me, not drag me down like this guy did.

This guy has begun to live in my past.

That's very goo then

I am proud of you. I was wrong when I said that you might need a cold shower. He helped you understand what you don't want. Say "thanks" and move on!

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

That's very goo then

I am proud of you. I was wrong when I said that you might need a cold shower. He helped you understand what you don't want. Say "thanks" and move on!

I am going to get my hands on him tomorrow. Since he is not meeting that "fake girl" he can sure meet me.

To wait one more day is to waste one more precious day of my life.

We did have happy moments and I have gotten my precious lessons in the past 4 months.

Time to move on for my next lessons.

BellyGirl · 05-14-2011, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C33

I think you need to see how far he is pushing the dating thing.

Right now, he is just chatting up a girl on a dating website. For him, it might not really be cheating but a form or recreation, ego tripping and a way into fantasy. Right now, he is fantasizing about this fake girl, having a virtual relationship with her.

On the other hand, if he shows up at the date, that means he has intentions to be unfaithful and to actively date another person. Therefore, his promises of exclusivity are a big lie. Even more so, he has no intention of being exclusive, he's just giving you want you want so he gets what he wants.

Personallly, in both cases, it doesn't forebode well on a future with him.
You say you want an honorable partner, maybe your time will be better invested somewhere else.

There is a reason why you don't trust him: he is not trustworthy. That instinct pushed you to seek confirmation. Yes, it's a sneaky thing to do, but this guy is not making you feel secure and you are looking for security in facts.

An honorable man won't give you that icky feeling that something is going wrong and you are being lied to. Yes, there are people who are paranoid and see betrayal where there is none.

This guy makes you mistrust your instinct because he is to be mistrusted.

It seems that you are still ready to give him a chance to explain. Emotionally, are you ready for 4 more months of insecurity?

Best of luck with that.

I am sure he is meeting the fake girl. He asked her out. The same way he asked me out previously.

And yes, I was seeking security and omg, I kept thinking it was my own insecurity issue !!!! I was ready to apologise to him for behaving like an insecure demanding teenage girl. I wanted so much to trust him!

I had one partner that I felt VERY SECURE with. I have to find a guy who can give me that balance.

Quote:

It seems that you are still ready to give him a chance to explain. Emotionally, are you ready for 4 more months of insecurity?

Best of luck with that.

I just need think about how during the absences , he was seeing other girls. then i won't be having 4 more mths of insecurity !!

freddy · 05-14-2011, 07:30 PM

Why have the meet up to send him on his way?? Why not just tell him on the phone it's over. You had a clever way to check what you thought was going on. Leave it at that and move on. As far as your stuff have a neutral place to meet up for an exchange.Or just forget about the stuff. Why blow the way you checked up on him, is all I'm saying. No need to help him sharpen his skills of cheating on his next GF.

Indiana · 05-14-2011, 08:05 PM

Oh look. Just set up the date with him as the fake girl. And turn up instead. With his book. At that point I doubt you'll even need to have a conversation.

beast · 05-14-2011, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

I had one partner that I felt VERY SECURE with. I have to find a guy who can give me that balance.

I just need think about how during the absences , he was seeing other girls. then i won't be having 4 more mths of insecurity !!

Do you really think you can blame your insecurity wholly on your douchey boyfriend?

05-14-2011, 04:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
BellyGirl Retired Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 171	Break up? The guy whom i have been going out with for past 4 mths, is still visiting dating websites. But we agreed to be mutually exclusive. I'm wondering if this is reason to break up. I created a fake profile and he has responded, though we haven't fix a "date" yet. i feel terrible doing this. It is clear that he likes me and really enjoy my company and is caring to me. but i also sense that he is distracted elsewhere. Is it that I need to wait for both of us to build closer bonds? Or is this inappropriate behavior that means he is not into me, so it calls for a breakup?

05-14-2011, 04:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	I agree it is quite deceptive to make a fake account to make him go on a date online. Have you thought about opening up to him that you are hurt by his acts? Don't blame him, just talk to him about what you feel and listen, and you two both decide what to do. Blame in my experience only causes more hurt. Being open maybe very hard for you because it may feel very uncomfortable and make you want to place the other person as the cause for your feelings. But it being open to people about something you feel affects the both of you is something I value. I'm not advocating that you should be open, but in my experience it is what I find works best. In all honesty, it is a tough path to follow, but I learn as I go on on what things I need to talk about without restraint to someone. It will pay off in the end and end in less hurt feelings. Love, Andrew Last edited by st33med; 05-14-2011 at 05:02 AM.

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05-14-2011, 04:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
beast Retired Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 2,501	If his use of dating sites isn't reason enough to break up, your deceit probably is. Did you guys really agree to be exclusive, or did you tell him you wanted to be exclusive and he figured it was best to just go along for the ride?

05-14-2011, 05:03 AM	#6 (permalink)
st33med Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 3,829	Oops, I edited my post while you were posting a new post! Anyways... It is a reasonable boundary if you see it as so. Talk to him about it and see if the boundary is something you want to work on.

05-14-2011, 10:01 AM	#9 (permalink)
Indiana Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,902	So he's lying to you and you're lying to him. Doesn't really sound like the basis for a great romance.

05-14-2011, 10:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
rawxstasy Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Madison, WI Posts: 961	I think it would be a good learning experience also for your boyfriend if you explain that you felt insecure in the relationship and as a result made the fake account and contacted him.

05-14-2011, 10:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
Indiana Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,902	Sure. Fess up. Give it to him straight. You: "Hey, Bob. You know how we had that conversation about being exclusive?" Bob: "Yes." You: "We agreed we were going to be, right?" Bob: "Yep." You: "Is there anything you would like to tell me, Bob?" Bob: "Uh. No?" You: "Okay. Well, there's really no way to sugar-coat or excuse this. But I got an intuition that you weren't really being sincere when you agreed to be exclusive. And so I created a fake profile on OKC. And you know that cute girl Anne-Marie you've been chatting with? I'm afraid that's not going to go any further, Bob. Also, neither are we. It seems like you're not ready to actually have an exclusive relationship." Bob: "Wait. You're Anne-Marie? You created that profile to see if you could catch me out? What sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do is that?" You: "Yes, that's what I'm saying. Sorry. It was a sort of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-up thing to do, but I think now we both have the opportunity to find a different relationship that actually suits our needs. Don't be afraid to tell your next girlfriend if you're not really ready for an exclusive commitment, Bob. I'll be going now. Goodbye, Bob."

05-14-2011, 02:13 PM	#17 (permalink)
Manixander Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 20	Just ask him about things. I really do think there's no better way than just to talk it out and say how you feel.

05-14-2011, 03:46 PM	#24 (permalink)
C33 Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 623	I think you need to see how far he is pushing the dating thing. Right now, he is just chatting up a girl on a dating website. For him, it might not really be cheating but a form or recreation, ego tripping and a way into fantasy. Right now, he is fantasizing about this fake girl, having a virtual relationship with her. On the other hand, if he shows up at the date, that means he has intentions to be unfaithful and to actively date another person. Therefore, his promises of exclusivity are a big lie. Even more so, he has no intention of being exclusive, he's just giving you want you want so he gets what he wants. Personallly, in both cases, it doesn't forebode well on a future with him. You say you want an honorable partner, maybe your time will be better invested somewhere else. There is a reason why you don't trust him: he is not trustworthy. That instinct pushed you to seek confirmation. Yes, it's a sneaky thing to do, but this guy is not making you feel secure and you are looking for security in facts. An honorable man won't give you that icky feeling that something is going wrong and you are being lied to. Yes, there are people who are paranoid and see betrayal where there is none. This guy makes you mistrust your instinct because he is to be mistrusted. It seems that you are still ready to give him a chance to explain. Emotionally, are you ready for 4 more months of insecurity? Best of luck with that.

05-14-2011, 07:30 PM	#28 (permalink)
freddy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 453	Why have the meet up to send him on his way?? Why not just tell him on the phone it's over. You had a clever way to check what you thought was going on. Leave it at that and move on. As far as your stuff have a neutral place to meet up for an exchange.Or just forget about the stuff. Why blow the way you checked up on him, is all I'm saying. No need to help him sharpen his skills of cheating on his next GF.

05-14-2011, 08:05 PM	#29 (permalink)
Indiana Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,902	Oh look. Just set up the date with him as the fake girl. And turn up instead. With his book. At that point I doubt you'll even need to have a conversation.

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