To meet or not to meet?

[squirrel]

Haven't written here in a while and would appreciate some feedback on the following situation:

I slowly fell for a good friend of mine (and this doesn't happen very often to me - the last time I was dating someone is already 6 years ago!), was never sure whether he might have similar feelings or not, until he told me that he now has a girlfriend. It sounded like a pretty serious relationship, and I decided to distance myself from him and explained my reasons for this. I didn't feel it was healthy for me to keep in touch, because I had involved too much emotion already. He was very understanding.
We have lived some 800 miles apart for the last couple of years, so chance encounters don't happen anyway, but I used to visit quite a few times and we had been in touch by phone and email. My idea had been to keep totally out of touch for a while, but I didn't want to force it on him, as he obviously didn't like this solution. He never told me that he didn't like it but he just kept sending me short text messages - to me, it was painful to be in such superficial contact. I decided that I cannot and do not want to control how he interacts with me - so I didn't want to have another conversation about it - and just went with it. Sometimes I replied equally short, sometimes I didn't reply. And, ironically, the couple of times I wrote a bit more, nothing came back from him. I can tell that being in touch with him does not do me any good.

Now he says he is going to be in my town this weekend and asks me if I am free to get together. We haven't seen each other for about 6 months. Frankly, I don't feel like I am up for it. On the other hand, I feel terribly immature to take so long to get over someone (after all, I am in my mid-thirties already and feel like I should be able to handle such situations). I haven't replied yet, and already the fact that the decision making process is so difficult for me shows me that I still have way too much invested in this. I am feeling in a vulnerable spot anyway, having moved a lot and not much of a social network here yet. I still think of him daily, with a sense of loss, but manageable.

My question to you is not "what should I do?" - I guess I will know after I sleep a night over it. But rather: how does this look from the outside? Would you understand or be able to empathize with a friend who just isn't ready to see you? Or accept it without judgment even if you cannot understand it? I keep thinking how it must feel from the other side and must say I haven't really had this experience the other way round. I had a guy fall for me when I could not reciprocate - but he ended up clinging to every bit of friendship he could get from me and I hoped, for their own dignity, that he just move on...

[squirrel]

Just wanted to add: we didn't part on bad terms. I sincerely wished him well for his relationship when I heard of it before mentioning anything about myself. And I wished him well again the one time I saw him when I was passing through his town and picked up some stuff I had at his place and said good-bye to him.

[DANDUNGAN]

this is my projection based on my life experience.

If you see him, the sex will be unbelievable. Then you'll have at two years of amazing sex and drama, and he won't leave her.

[Zanriel]

Yeah, see him with no expectations and no strings attached, but otherwise move on. If he was interested in you, he wouldn't have a girlfriend. You're deep in "just friends" territory. If you can accept that, then feel free to hang out with him.

One interesting factor is that he doesn't think having a friendship with you is being unfaithful to his girlfriend. That makes me think you might be his "plan B". I'd hate to be in your shoes.

[Zanriel]

Yeah, see him with no expectations and no strings attached, but otherwise move on. If he was interested in you, he wouldn't have a girlfriend. You're deep in "just friends" territory. If you can accept that, then feel free to hang out with him.

One interesting factor is that he doesn't think having a friendship with you is being unfaithful to his girlfriend. That makes me think you might be his "plan B". I'd hate to be in your shoes.

[squirrel]

I hate to be in my shoes too

No, he doesn't seem to think having a friendship with me is being unfaithful to his girlfriend. It might just be because I am so deep in the "just friends" territory that this is not even a thought.

On the other hand, he never mentions his girlfriend so I don't know what is going on on their side.

I am tending towards not going to see him.

[squirrel]

Originally Posted by DANDUNGAN

this is my projection based on my life experience.

If you see him, the sex will be unbelievable. Then you'll have at two years of amazing sex and drama, and he won't leave her.

Actually, there has never been sex - so I am very sure this scenario would not happen.

As far as drama goes, yes, meeting with him is likely to bring more drama (but for me only, in my head). That's why I lean towards not going to meet with him.

[C33]

Squirrel -

Do what feels good to you. Don't care about his feelings. He is the one having emotional support: a girlfriend. Why doesn't he talk about her if you're such good friends?

Maybe it's not to hurt your feelings, maybe it's to give you the impression she's not important to him and there is a romantic space for you in his life.He might be using you for an ego boost.

Does he care about YOUR life? Does he ask questions about how you feel and what you are up to?

I've just done a stop contact with an ex who kept me on an emotional leash for 1 1/2 years.

When he email to confide in his broken heart over some girl and mentioned he had loved her more intensely than he ever felt before: I went nuts. The fact he followed up with an apology made me realize he was very aware of the fact it would hurt me - AND that I had some lingering feelings for him, properly misplaced as he was not Mr.Right and I knew it.

For some reason staying in contact was an emotional crutch. I could feel very immature, as you mentioned: I'm in my 40s, but I just feel stupid but so much better because I don't have him in my headspace anymore.

On the other hand, if you meet him, you might be very very disappointed in what you see and wonder what you've ever seen in him. It depends how long you've been apart.

Good luck to you girl! Do what's right for you.

[ron7519]

With just the facts that you wrote about, I think it would be a bad idea to see him. It will likely bring up memories and will take even longer for you to get over him.

I'd tell him you are flattered that he's like to see you but you don't think it's a good idea.

It actually sounds like he's teasing you. He likes the attention you give him but doesn't really want to be with you. If you see him it will simply reinforce the same behavior.

[C33]

It actually sounds like he's teasing you. He likes the attention you give him but doesn't really want to be with you. If you see him it will simply reinforce the same behavior.

Yes. Very well put.

[squirrel]

Thank you all for your input! I really appreciate to hear some outside perspectives on this...

Originally Posted by C33

Does he care about YOUR life? Does he ask questions about how you feel and what you are up to?

In fact, he does. When he is texting me it is usually to ask how I am doing, or whether I am settling in here well. And he does so even when I don't get back to him. It is more that I don't see text messages as a good form of conversation. We didn't used to do that before, we used to talk on the phone. It might just be his way of keeping the distance that I asked for - but to me it is an unskillful way...

Might be that he is teasing me and likes the attention. Though in the last six months I haven't given him much attention at all. I mean, I have given him lots of attention in my thoughts, but haven't shown any attention to him. Haven't done anything to encourage this ongoing contact. Either replied not at all or very brief. And the couple of times when I wrote more than two lines, nothing came back for a while.

[earthmoonchild]

I do not think you are immature at all for not wanting to see him. It took me longer than 6 months to fully get over someone I was madly in love with.

This is about respect. If you are not ready, then tell him you are not ready yet. If he asks, you can explain however you see fit. He needs to respect your choice not to see him and if he hassles you about it or tries to make you feel ♥♥♥♥♥♥, he does not care about you. JMO.

[Zanriel]

Have you thought about opening up and telling him everything? Tell him how much you think about him, and all that?

What do you think would happen? Do you think he realizes how much you're into him? If he knows and he's still keeping you at arm's length without letting you go, that seems cruel and selfish. If not, then maybe he's just on the fence?

[squirrel]

Originally Posted by Zanriel

Have you thought about opening up and telling him everything? Tell him how much you think about him, and all that?

What do you think would happen? Do you think he realizes how much you're into him? If he knows and he's still keeping you at arm's length without letting you go, that seems cruel and selfish. If not, then maybe he's just on the fence?

I told him some six months ago, and he seemed to be quite touched by it. But how much he remembers, or thinks is still true six months later, I don't know... Maybe he simply does not realize it. In which case, another personal conversation might help (or not), before I withdraw myself from him.