Thinking about ex

[Noir]

How can I stop thinking about what my ex thinks of me?
How I appeared in arguments, how I appear to him now, and what image he associates with me when he thinks about me?

Also, how can I fight the need to show off in front of him?

Any help will be appreciated
Thanks!

[Chemgirl]

Hey. Sounds like you are not taking this break up too well. I think you should ask yourself why is it so important what he thinks of me now? It's possible he doesn't think about you much at all, would that devastate you?

You can't change how you acted in fights. I have wasted to much time thinking about exs and the best way I found to stop obsessing and replaying everything that was said was to just believe it wasn't meant to be and think of everything you have learnt to get meaning from it all.

Sorry I can't be of more help, I don't know how to answer that last question. But if you are really having a hard time letting go (sounds like you are), you know what they say: The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

[Interpreneur]

Originally Posted by Chemgirl

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Please let me know if either of you are looking for volunteers!!

[Lychee]

You can't stop him. What's done is done in the past and the impressions you made on him then cannot be changed unless he decides to change his perspective of it himself. You can fight off the need to show off be remembering that you guys are done and over with and the only person you need to seek approval from is yourself.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I just wanted to post becuase I am going through a similar thing right now. In fact many of the exact questions swirling in your head are swirling in mine. My ex did some pretty shabby things to me, but I still find myself wondering if he misses me, if he's sorry, if he wishes he hadn't let me go, if he thinks I am crazy, why he hasn't called me...and the list goes on. When these thoughts come to mind I have taken to reminding myself that I can never truly know what another person thinks or feels. It is even sometimes hard to pinpoint exactly what I think or feel at a given moment! His actions may or may not be indicative of what he's feeling deep down and etc. So to try to decipher them is only causing me pain.

I try to say or remember something positive about him. I try to pray for him (or whatever version of this fits into your worldview). I remember that I love him, so regardless of what he did, I can chose to lovingly release him and wish him the best. Then, it doesn't matter as much what he's thinking about me because I know I am sending positive feelings his way...hoping that in whatever he's doing he finds the peace and love he needs. I remember that he and I are on different paths and that if he were able to be the man I need in my life, he would, but he is not in the same place as me. This way I can feel peace for my part of the equation. I forgive myself for the things I did to contribute to the downfall of the relationship and forgive him for hurting me (this is a continual process). I resolve to learn from my mistakes and the flaws in the relationship so I can make better choices in the future.

Try to focus your energy on yourself...and making yourself the person you want to be (as in if the reasons you wonder what he thinks of you have anything to do with a way you acted that you feel was wrong or misrepresented your true feelings). When you do think of him, turn it to well wishes instead of questions and you may find that the answers to those questions become evident in time, but that even if they don't you won't be so uneasy about them anymore.

I don't know if this helps at all, just my journey and I may not have written it very coherently. (We have been broken up for a little over a week). I wish you the best. I know how your thoughts can torment you at a time like this. Love to you.

[Noir]

Thankyou *aspiring.

Yes my thoughts are really tormenting me, and I've been trying to do those things you've suggested.

The strange thing is, as i meditate and increase my awareness of self, I find myself wanting to share this heightenned level of awareness with him through conversations etc, but it hurts to know that he's not in the same place as me.

You mentioned that you wonder if he thinks you're crazy. That is actually EXACTLY what I'm wondering. You communicated it exactly the right way.
It seems a bit stupid for me to be wasting my time wondering what somebody else is feeling, but it's just frustrating that connecting with someone I really cared about was not successful.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I know the feeling...

It's hard when someone you care about seems to have let go of those same feelings for you (I find it hard that he can just cut off all contact when we were saying I love you and falling asleep in eachother's arms a week before). And it's hard when you still have so much care for them and want to help them (such as sharing your heightened awareness). However, it seems that holding on so tightly will only make it harder to move forward. It seems that the best way to handle these types of things would be to let go (you know that saying If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if not it never was or something like that). Once you have let go and moved on, you may sometime get a chance to reconnect and learn the answers to the questions that are haunting you. If not, hopefully with time you will be in a place where you don't need the answers anymore. If so, you will be in a place to process the answers with grace and thankfulness at the experience you had. I guess I am repeating myself, but I just feel such a connection with you because of this. It's like we are going through the exact same thing, though I know it is different for everyone.

I wish I could better put into words what I mean. I do wish you all the best. I feel kind of embarrased even saying this, but the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" is pretty good. It's helping me see how in my case I am wondering what a cheating, lying guy who called me names and left me home all the time when he was out having fun is thinking of me! Who cares! Well, me, but I am trying to see that what I think of myself is so much more important!!! I don't know what your particular experience is, but I hope something here helps and if you want to PM me, feel free. Also, read Byron Katie's books. And check out Steve's blogs on relationships as well as Emotional Mastery. There's a lot there that helped me (I'm kinda new to PD as well as levels of consciousness/awareness so forgive me if this is all stuff you know). Love to you.

[Noir]

Thanks. I completely understand what you're saying, and it really makes a lot of sense.
I guess it will just take time to work through this.
It's weird how someone can be so bad for me, yet I want to share myself with them.
I will definitely focus on what I think of myself more, and search for inner peace.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Noir

It's weird how someone can be so bad for me, yet I want to share myself with them.

Exactly. Me too. Love is certainly weird!

[Kamma]

Just wanted to let both of you know that I'm sending positive energy your way. I have been through this (a long time ago now) and it will get easier. My advice to you both would be to try and stop trying to understand what the other person is thinking etc. You'll probably never work it out!

[Noir]

awww thanks!
i hope i get over it soon.
i think part of the problem was that i was trying to fix his situation, but the more i tried the more i realized he wasn't on my plane of thinking

[ming]

What You Want, Wants You.