"Playing favorites" (not liking everyone)

[KeithHandy]

In a similar vein to Michelle's small talk thread, I find it draining to have to interact with people on a regular basis who are at a very low level of awareness. I'm not passing judgement on them (or am I?) so much as picking up the familiar sense that nothing on my mind would lead to anything other than a confused and grudgingly polite nod from them. It knocks my inspiration down a notch or two just to walk past them.

Then there are other people that I really want to know better, people that I get a great general vibe from, but don't necessarily have substantial grounds for this other than a gut feeling or general human attraction.

Are the habits I've involuntarily formed to "shield" me from group #1 (i.e. tuning people out) causing me to not get as close to group #2 as I'd like? Should I not feel so guilty about wanting to "play favorites"? As Steve frames it, we are all like parts of one organism, and it does us no good to wish any harm to anyone -- I don't wish harm to anyone, but there are a lot of people I just don't personally want to interact with. But would my relationships with my favorite people benefit from a personal re-framing of all the people I feel negatively towards?

[Radical]

I don't think you're wrong or indeed alone for not wanting to interact with certain people. There are some people I would never want to interact with, such as people like Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler etc.

However, you seem to view yourself as superior to others. As long as they're a nice person they're worth interacting with.

[madgeylou]

it's perfectly normal to like some people better than others, and there are people i'd rather not be around given a choice.

but i think it's part of our spiritual challenge to strive for as much kind, honest, and brave interaction as possible.

it's possible to learn how to do this in such a way that makes you a social artist rather than someone whose vibration gets lowered by simply walking past the huddled masses.

i dont mean to poke fun or be mean. but you do sound a little dramatic about it. so there's certain people you dont click with -- no biggie. just make the best of it. look at it as an opportunity for personal growth. learn to be an alchemist.

your instincts are correct when you think maybe your interactions with the ones you like are impaired by the fact that you abhor interacting with the others. even people we love very much can be ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sometimes, and we still must attempt to deal with them in the kindest, bravest, and most honest way possible.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by Radical

However, you seem to view yourself as superior to others. As long as they're a nice person they're worth interacting with.

I got an uncomfortable feeling reading that, which probably means there's some truth to it, even though I would normally freely say it anyway, albeit in a self-effacing "half-joking" manner.

Let me give a more concrete example: recently (I don't have the link offhand) someone posted a video to YouTube of a Rube Goldberg setup they had constructed in their office. I thought it was neat/clever, but when I looked through the comments I saw things like "u must have been really bored". I get the impression that a lot of people see creativity itself as nothing but transmogrified boredom. And there's a certain "deadness" in people's eyes when they say things like that.

It may be my failing that I perceive the world as predominantly anti-creative, or at least oblivious to why anyone would want to put a lot of work into anything that didn't provide them with a paycheck within five days.

As for "nice", I think I'm pretty responsive to genuinely nice people, because there's at least a certain aliveness and awareness there, so I don't mean to put nice people down. But I do have a tendency to want to isolate my favorite people.

These are not topics I normally write about, so I'll surely be second guessing some of it after it's written; please don't take anything I say here as my final word on anything. I'm just putting thoughts out as they come and bravely facing your responses.

[tgl]

Who's Rube Goldberg?

You have a tendency to want to isolate your favorite people?

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by tgl

Who's Rube Goldberg?

You have a tendency to want to isolate your favorite people?

My wording probably makes it sound weirder than it is. I feel like 90% of the people around me are creating distractions and obstacles to keep me from connecting to the other 10%. I'm not saying I think that's true, I'm just saying I often feel that way.

Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist and satirist of technology who was most well known for designing complicated chain-reaction "domino effect" inventions for doing simple things like brewing a cup of coffee. Think of the game "Mousetrap".

[tgl]

Creating obstacles and distractions?

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by tgl

Creating obstacles and distractions?

Yeah. Like for example those people who echo back everything I say. They drive me up the wall!

[tgl]

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

Yeah. Like for example those people who echo back everything I say. They drive me up the wall!

People who echo?

[tgl]

I'm trying to get a better picture. Someone said maybe you were being superior. I'm wondering exactly what your complaint is. From the little you've said, it seems like you're surrounded by knuckleheads and you've been giving them attention and energy that would be put to better use elsewhere.

But I'm not certain about that analysis, because I don't have the whole picture yet. So I was echoing so you'd open up if you felt like opening up.

[Steph]

KeithHandy,
If there are people who you want to get to know better then try to make plans and spend some time with them. You don't need to spend time with people you don't wish to... but it is good to learn to get along with all people, and try to understand them more. It will help with your development. However, if you spend too much time with people who are less developed, and you're not developed enough yourself, then it can have a negative effect.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by tgl

I'm trying to get a better picture.

Me too.

I'll post more on this later this afternoon, & I'll see if I can figure out what my original motivation for posting was, or if it was just a vanity post to test the waters on the forum. It may be a non-issue that I'm making into an issue just because I'm self-critical and want to have the best mindset about things.

[yeikow]

I can relate to this thread in a way.

I have had some internal conflicts regarding whether i should strive to spend my time only with high (type1)quality people (obviously using my own definition for that) or flowing with (type2)whoever crosses my path offering them something of high value.

On one hand, if I think of the higher good of all, I believe I grow more and faster when surrounded by type1. Therefore in the long run it would benefit the world more and myself if hang with them as much as possible.

On the other hand, if I dont spend time with type2, I am depriving them from the opportunity of reaching further through my support. Sure, I like it when I see that happening, but often times it's one tenth of what another person could've grasped.

I think it comes down to balance. I want people to feel good arround me, but there is a line that shouldn't be cross: when they start demanding more time from me than I was willing to give away. Sometimes type2 people get somewhat amazed (please try to understand me here, I'm not trying to showw off and am no hero yet ) and you are filling a void in them which makes you very attractive. Those people end up thinking they are entitled to get as much value from me as possible. I was just being nice, they take it too far.

Spend MOST of your time with type1, the rest will be inevitably interactions with type2, which will give you perspective anyways.

-Note: this type1 & 2 thing I wrote it off the top of my head. I do not encourage putting such labels on the people you interact with. It was just to help me make my point.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

Let me give a more concrete example: recently (I don't have the link offhand) someone posted a video to YouTube of a Rube Goldberg setup they had constructed in their office. I thought it was neat/clever, but when I looked through the comments I saw things like "u must have been really bored". I get the impression that a lot of people see creativity itself as nothing but transmogrified boredom. And there's a certain "deadness" in people's eyes when they say things like that.

I'm impressed that you can see deadness in the eyes of YouTube comments!

Just because feats of mechanical engineering fascinated the YouTube poster and not some of the commenters you can't assume they're less creative! People have different interests and value systems. "Wow, you must have a lot of spare time" could easily translate to something like "If I had that much spare time I'd be out dancing/working on a software program/playing my guitar/preparing speeches for Toastmasters rather than wasting my time fooling around with widgets". People express creativity in different ways ; and don't necessarily recognise other peoples' expression of it!

I think all this talk of 'types' of people and 'levels of awareness' is misleading (and a bit dangerous!).

Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert) once made an observation that stuck with me: there's so much to know in this world that even the most brilliant of us is vastly more ignorant than we are knowledgable. Pretty much every single person around us knows something that we are ignorant of ; ie. can teach us something.

The levels of consciousness Steve posted are useful as a rough guide but (as Steve pointed out) people are at different levels in different aspects of their lives and at different times. In practice we're all at different levels in different aspects of our lives. You could probably say, "my level of consciousness in general is higher than yours" but that's a trap. By generalising you fail to notice that the other person has (eg.) more courage or acceptance than you in certain areas (say, personal relations or public speaking) and could teach you a thing or two!

Circumstances matter too. If you walk up to a stranger on the street and start babbling about subjective reality and 30-day trials they're almost certain to look at you in a clueless manner. They're on their way home, trying to figure what to make the kids for dinner and they're exhausted.

OTOH, if you catch them at a better time and take the time to ensure common understanding of the ideas you may find a lot more interest and get responses like "So subjective reality is a lot like a Reality Tunnel then?".

[madgeylou]

thanks for that, keith.

what is with this type1 and type2 business? and, what, you think you're doing the type2s a favor by hanging out with them and raising their vibration? get a grip, dude. you have a mouth and an ass like everyone else -- no more, no less.

my boss says, and i agree, that, given a good director, everyone's life could be a great movie. everyone has stories to tell, pains in their souls, and dreams in their hearts.

you yourself can never be a "type 1" person without realizing this, and doing your best to treat other people with kindness and humility.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

what, you think you're doing the type2s a favor by hanging out with them and raising their vibration? get a grip, dude.

I think I was pretty honest throughout the thread that it was a raw mental dump with the intention of finding a better way of looking at people. Most people responding have been pretty helpful, and I'm sure that even includes you in some way or another.

EDIT: Oops, I think you were replying to a different poster in the thread with that. I'll leave my post up as an honest trail of my personal slip-ups.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by Keith

I'm impressed that you can see deadness in the eyes of YouTube comments!

I thought everybody could!

Seriously, though, Keith, I enjoyed your well-thought-out and non-judgmental post. And you have a kickass first name to boot.

[yeikow]

No KeithHandy, that was for me

I expected such a reaction, but one thing I am clear about writting in this forum is that I have no interest in saying what most people would agree with for the sake of acceptance in the group.

That said, it was probably a lousy metaphor I used, and I hope Madgeylou that you read the last line of my last post. I will try to make it more clear.

I was not talking in a vibrational sense. Most people tend to look up to some people, see others as equals and see others as "they haven't quite figured this out yet". This does not necessarily imply judgement, it's mostly subconscious.

What I was trying to say is that when you spend your time with people that have higher value than you in any particular sense (again this definition is totally subjective so take it as you whish) you tend to grow more. Not always, but as a general rule I think we can agree on this. And when people that in _some_ way look up to you spend time with you, I believe they too receive high value from the interaction.

The problem arises on how you should spend your limited amount of time. Sure, you can also look as everyone as if they were teachers and everyone knows more than you in some way. BUt personnaly I would rather spend 1h talking with, hum, let's say Steve Pavlina , than say a low self esteem teen party boy. I think I would grow more in the first case and in the second help to grow. Both are beautiful human beings sure, but that is not what I think we are discussing.

I do my best to be kind and cheer up _all_ those who sorround me, that has nothing to do. I hope I made my self clearer.

If not, well it can't be helped.

[KeithHandy]

Incidentally, having just received and watched my copy of The Secret, the part about the gay comedian who is harassed on the street kind of deals with this topic. The point being that he is attracting those people by way of some negativity in his own thinking. So if we feel we are running into a lot of people who are "bringing us down" in some way, perhaps we are bringing ourselves down and those people are just a reflection of that.

[madgeylou]

yeikow, thanks for your explanation -- it does clarify what you were getting it. i totally get that if you are playing tennis, you'd rather play tennis with people who are better than you, cause it makes you play better as well.

i guess i just reacted kind of strongly to the irony of a post all about type 1 and type 2 people, with a disclaimer on it about how you shouldnt categorize people that way, even though you just did.