Can't Get over Divorce after 1.5 Years!

[rocketmorton]

Hi I'm new here.
I love this forum and finally decided to post something.

Anyway a little background:

I'm a 45 year old male who got divorced about a year and a half ago.We were married about 4 years.
It was not my choice to divorce and I let my wife know that.

We by no means had a perfect marriage but there was no cheating,drug problems,etc.

She has 2 sons(from a previous marriage)and we were always arguing about their upbringing (they're teens),she did not in my opinion discipline them and they treated her and I with total disrespect.I could go on and on with examples but won't.

There also was an issue with sex,she basically had no interest in it,which I knew before marrying her but I thought it may change once we were married.

Anyway there were other issues but I was completely willing to work on these with couciling or whatever!
It seems she just gave up.

So for a year and a half I've been secretly hoping she would "see the light" and maybe get back together with me even though I highly doubt that will ever happen.

I've only seen her once since moving out 2 years ago and she only lives about 3 miles away!

I've dated once and it didn't work out,I'm reasonably attractive,good sense of humor...pretty normal really.

Evere since I moved out I've been drinking alot and started smoking again,I sort of feel like I don't really care what happens to me.

I don't know what to do I'm obsessed and need to move on but I think she was the only one for me...I believe in marriage and I feel we are somehow still connected.

Any advice would be GREAT!

Thanks

[freddy]

Not meaning to come across hard but it sounds like you need to come to the terms of she not comming back. Your new habit of smoking and drinking will help to keep you out of the dating game with a lot of other people. Start treating yourself as king and get yourself into shape,with time you will attract someone with less baggage to deal with. Someone with more of what you will find attractive and fun.
And for the future. If you start getting to know someone, and they have habits you think will change in the future with you. THINK again. Not going to happen in most cases. Good luck to you my freind.

I request the most benevolent outcome for my friend (rocketmorton) to meet a new girl, who will bring happiness and joy to him for a life time, even more than he can even amagine. Thank you.

[rocketmorton]

Freddy, thank you for the kind words.

[invisiblehouses]

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

There also was an issue with sex,she basically had no interest in it,which I knew before marrying her but I thought it may change once we were married.

That never happens.

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

So for a year and a half I've been secretly hoping she would "see the light" and maybe get back together with me even though I highly doubt that will ever happen.

It won't. And you wouldn't want it to, because you weren't happy, either. You listed at least three pretty major points of contention: sex, raising kids, and the fact that you're willing to work on things while she just gives up. Those are much deeper relationship issues than, "We didn't agree on what color to paint the living room."

She didn't like sex. Since you brought it up, I'm assuming you do, and if you're like most people, you probably like it quite a lot. This is a severe problem in a marriage that is usually only solved one of three ways:

1. The marriage is open, wherein you get to go out and get what you need from other people
2. The marriage ends, which is what happened here
3. One partner gets to live a content, sex-free life, and the other settles for this rotten arrangement and lives a miserable, pent-up life of frustration.

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

Evere since I moved out I've been drinking alot and started smoking again,I sort of feel like I don't really care what happens to me.

I don't know what to do I'm obsessed and need to move on but I think she was the only one for me...I believe in marriage and I feel we are somehow still connected.

Start caring what happens to you. If you don't, you'll get poor results.

And you are still connected. You always will be. But she wasn't happy being with you, and you weren't happy with her (perhaps you're not ready to admit this yet). You're idealizing this person; "She wouldn't discipline her poorly-behaved, disrespectful kids, she hated sex and she just gave up on things without even trying. It was wonderful!"

Erin had a good article on this exact topic not too long ago. I don't know how "down" you are with sorta-new-agey spiritual stuff, but the article is here if you're interested.

Is your screen name a reference to Rockette Morton from Captain Beefheart's Magic Band by any chance?

[rocketmorton]

Is your screen name a reference to Rockette Morton from Captain Beefheart's Magic Band by any chance?

YES! I'm a Huge Zappa fan!

Thans for the feedback,sometimes I just need to hear it.

[alexb5784]

I'm sorry things have not worked out for you but it's not the end of the world. Though I know it feels like it is! I know someone who's been married twice and now he's finally found someone who loves him for who he is. It took a lot of ugly frogs for him to find his Princess.

Try out this book, I've found it to be helpful but it take's a lot of emotional work to get through it. I'm on Chapter 4 right now. But I've had the book for two months. It's not an easy read. I'm also in the 7 week telecourse.

Online Audio: Calling In "The One" - A Free Audio Seminar

Book: Calling In "The One" - A Free Audio Seminar

[invisiblehouses]

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

Is your screen name a reference to Rockette Morton from Captain Beefheart's Magic Band by any chance?

YES! I'm a Huge Zappa fan!

Thans for the feedback,sometimes I just need to hear it.

Always great to dig up another 'Fheartheart...

[emeadow]

You cannot change others, the only person you have control of is yourself. Keep that in mind.

Sounds like you need to get busy focusing on you for a change. Dropping the smoking and the alcohol dependence is always a good start, then work up from there.

Make yourself the person you want to be, and you will attract what you need in your life. Whether it is a date or whatever, become what you want, and let it come into your life.

Consider this, you cannot have what you are not already......example, if you want someone who exercises a lot, then you better be someone who already exercises a lot as well. Do not expect someone to fill a void or make you better.....be that person first and foremost. Do you want to be with a smoker, heavy drinker, or someone that has trouble moving forward? Sorry to say, that is the message you are sending out.

Thinking you can make someone want sex when they don't is changing someone else, same goes for making them raise their children differently. You can offer suggestions, discuss it, come up with a plan, partner up to take action, but in the end, the only thing you will ever have control over is your own actions. I do have to ask this...you say you would have been willing to go to counseling, do whatever....but going TO counseling would have never accomplished anything. In the end, taking action and making changes would have been required. Is that something you are good at? If not, practice, shift a mindset you have that is unhealthy. Wanting and doing are two different things.....time to be a do-er

Sorry if this comes across abrupt, trying to give you a shake 'em up sort of chat. I do wish you the best.....I have been in your spot before in other ways, I hated those days. Glad to have moved forward and am in a different place now.

[180]

From the little that you described about her, I'm having a hard time understanding why you miss her.

1) Doesn't discipline children
2) Doesn't like sex
3) Isn't willing to work relationships out

Nobody is judging anybody's character there seems to be a huge disconnect from your needs and her needs.

I also don't want to downtrodden anyone's beliefs, but the idea that there is only 1 person for you might really be limiting your options. What if there is someone you really connect with out there? She's the most wonderful person, matches your personality, loves you, and loves everything about you? Should you limit your world to only your divorced wife if something better is out there?

Sure you're 45, but lots of younger women prefer older men. It's kind of like you want a car that has heated seats, automated windows, and 4 wheel drive, but you keep going back and buying your old station wagon because it's familiar to you. While I totally understand that (as my breakup also took about 1.5 years to get over) it's not healthy at all.

[rocketmorton]

Originally Posted by emeadow

You cannot change others, the only person you have control of is yourself. Keep that in mind.

Sounds like you need to get busy focusing on you for a change. Dropping the smoking and the alcohol dependence is always a good start, then work up from there.

Make yourself the person you want to be, and you will attract what you need in your life. Whether it is a date or whatever, become what you want, and let it come into your life.

Consider this, you cannot have what you are not already......example, if you want someone who exercises a lot, then you better be someone who already exercises a lot as well. Do not expect someone to fill a void or make you better.....be that person first and foremost. Do you want to be with a smoker, heavy drinker, or someone that has trouble moving forward? Sorry to say, that is the message you are sending out.

Thinking you can make someone want sex when they don't is changing someone else, same goes for making them raise their children differently. You can offer suggestions, discuss it, come up with a plan, partner up to take action, but in the end, the only thing you will ever have control over is your own actions. I do have to ask this...you say you would have been willing to go to counseling, do whatever....but going TO counseling would have never accomplished anything. In the end, taking action and making changes would have been required. Is that something you are good at? If not, practice, shift a mindset you have that is unhealthy. Wanting and doing are two different things.....time to be a do-er

Sorry if this comes across abrupt, trying to give you a shake 'em up sort of chat. I do wish you the best.....I have been in your spot before in other ways, I hated those days. Glad to have moved forward and am in a different place now.

Abruptness is not an issue. I welcome honest input.
I didn't give a lot of details to keep the post short
.
I've been in counceling since before the divorce and have worked on myself for many moons.

Believe me I tried every approach I could think of in tems of dealing with the kids, the sex issue etc.

Anyway I appreciate your input and sometimes I think part of my issue is I want what I can't have.

It was all so quick I never really even got to say goodbye and such.

I seem to do fine for awhile then I'll get caught in an obsessiveness loop.

But anyway thank you everyone for chiming in.

[emeadow]

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

It was all so quick I never really even got to say goodbye and such.

It always sucks for the partner who has to come to terms with a break up instantly, since the person who breaks it off usually had a lot of time to work through all the issues in their mind, come to decisions, and lay out a plan for the future. So it is understandable it would take you some time to adjust to it all.

I broke up with my fiance of the time after a 5 yr relationship, and he had a seriously hard time with it (was totally surprised, which I had not expected). We did not part ways on good terms and ended up not talking for almost 3 years, AND we worked at the same company. One day the company re-organized the floors and I ended up just around the corner from him. The anxiety of every time we passed each other was too much, so I stopped in his office and said we needed to talk. He shrugged and said sure, and we met for dinner one evening.

Funny thing was, after 3 years, all of that anger and complications had faded to pretty much nothing. Neither of us knew why we were not talking anymore, we just did not want to upset the other person. I had been worried he would never forgive me for hurting him, and he just thought I wanted nothing to do with him. We talked things over on a more rational level, which we had not been able to do previously. It really resolved a lot of ongoing issues for me, helped both of us move forward I believe. We ended up very good friends after that.

I do wish you the best...there will be some point you will look back on this period and know it helped you in some way!

[votoshka]

It sounds to me like you never had an ideal marriage! I'm sure there were some positive aspects to it, or you wouldn't be missing it and her so much. But, as others have said, I think you're probably idealizing it waaaay too much!

You know, it IS possible for you to find someone who shares your values with respect to raising kids, who will want sex with you on a regular basis (and yeah, if she doesn't want sex BEFORE marriage, it's NOT going to improve after marriage... in fact, odds are it will get WORSE), and who will be willing to work on whatever problems come up.

I'm actually having a hard time figuring out why you two got married in the first place (although I'm assuming you had a friendship or some shared interests or something happening there).

Dating once or twice won't necessarily work, unless you get a real connection to the woman you're dating. This means you're probably going to have to date a few more women, and be more open to meeting other women! Eventually you will find someone who has that "spark" for you, and who you really click with.

Alternatively, take a step back from worrying about relationships at all, and just focus on yourself for awhile! Sometimes you meet someone great when you're least expecting it.

[Angelique]

Why can't you have what you want?

[nietsdoen]

This will probably be of no help to you, but my biological father was married to my mom for 9 years and they got divorced in 1998 after my mom found someone else much better for her (father was controlling and possibly an alcoholic). Now, 13 years later, my father has still not gotten over the divorce. He's still angry about what happened. He's still angry that my mother didn't go to marriage counseling. He refuses to ever remarry. He says he'll never love another woman.

Over the years he's lost all of his friends and lives a lonesome life in a small one story house an hour away. He talks about, in emails, how he gardens just like he used to at the house we lived in as a family when he and my mom were still married.

Sometimes it's hard to let go, but it has to be done..

[180]

Originally Posted by Angelique

Why can't you have what you want?

Because once you have it, you don't want it anymore and want something else.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by rocketmorton

I think she was the only one for me.

That limiting belief is the source of your angst. If you buy into it, then your reaction makes total sense. You'll need to remove that belief before you can move on.

There are many ways to nuke a limiting belief like this. One is to use Morty Lefkoe's method, which I've blogged about before.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by 180

Because once you have it, you don't want it anymore and want something else.

Says who?

[Cado]

Originally Posted by Savage

That limiting belief is the source of your angst. If you buy into it, then your reaction makes total sense. You'll need to remove that belief before you can move on.

There are many ways to nuke a limiting belief like this. One is to use Morty Lefkoe's method, which I've blogged about before.

Something else you can do is reinforce it. It's already dug its claws in pretty deep but push it deeper. Once you've done that, make a list of all the reasons why she is the one, the only one, you have ever been with and ever should be with.

Then find one reason she isn't. Point out a single flaw, significant or insignificant. Once you've done that, look for another. When you feel a little more adventurous, start listing traits you've found attractive that she didn't possess. Why? Because if you want something she didn't offer you've met someone who did, and the more attached you are to the notion she is your "One" the harder your belief will be shaken when you realize you have desires she couldn't meet.

Regarding fiction, there's a term-"suspending your disbelief." That means you become emotionally involved no matter how many holes there are in the narrative. Some stories fail in this regard because they are so flawed it's impossible to become invested and others are compelling until you think on them and realize that there was something off about the whole thing.

From a certain perspective this is just a story you've told yourself and I'll bet you there are enough major plotholes that the whole thing will fall apart if you give it a closer look.

[AlmostGodess]

The reason for your block seems to be the fact that you failed that marriage. Does this ring true to you?

[King Sperg]

Originally Posted by nietsdoen

This will probably be of no help to you, but my biological father was married to my mom for 9 years and they got divorced in 1998 after my mom found someone else much better for her (father was controlling and possibly an alcoholic). Now, 13 years later, my father has still not gotten over the divorce. He's still angry about what happened. He's still angry that my mother didn't go to marriage counseling. He refuses to ever remarry. He says he'll never love another woman.

HOLY JESUS ON A CROSS your father's misery lasted longer than the marriage itself. no offense but i will do everything in my power to let go and move on with my life if a women ever dumps me instead of wasting precious years. i hope the divorce did not have a negative impact on your relationship between you and your father.

[Mynder]

If one of your issues is that you never really could say good-bye, then gather all pictures, every possession that strongly reminds you of her, and throw them out. Now. Except for one photo.

Take that picture, sit down, and tell this picture all that you have to say to her and didn't get to tell her. Then tell her good-bye. Burn the picture afterwards.

Really ritualize this letting-go in order to drive it home emotionally that it's over.

[Monty]

No sex? unhappy? jeez sounds like the perfect marriage!
Snap out of it, move on and don't waste a minute longer coveting someone that is not going to come back.

You can do better, seriously.