The Roles Society Forces Upon Us....

[VetTechJess]

I am speaking from many personal and painful experiences here, so please bear with me...

I have come to a conclusion. The conclusion is that there are roles in society that everyone must play. these roles are not picked out by us, but the very people we associate with. our roles are picked out by none other than our peers.

for some ppl, the roles picked for them are the lucky roles. such as popularity. each role that is picked is a double edged sword so to speak. the popularity picked roles may not feel they can express themselves for fear of having every last word of theirs judged and scrutinized. but im not here to talk about those roles. I am here to talk about the role that was forced upon me by absolutely no choice of my own. I was chosen to play the role of the Reject.

This role was thrust upon me at a very early age. My first real experience with the role of Reject was in the fourth grade. elementary school even! I am a woman, so the rejection was different for me than it would be a male. The rejection started by others not wanting to sit by me. They would give me dirty looks and ignore me.

I then changed schools to a "christian" (note I have that in quotations) school, where I thought my life would be better. I did make about 3 friends there, but alas, the role followed me there. At this "christian" school, I was ostracized, spit upon, made fun of, and felt all alone all the time.

things would only get worse from there before they would get a little better.

I sunk into a mild depression, not caring at all and failing all my classes, thus making me fail the 7th grade. so I changed schools again.

Thats when I hit rock bottom, by no fault of my own.

At this new school, there was 13 ppl including me in the 8th grade. of those 13 ppl, 12....thats right...12 ppl hated and cursed the ground I walked on. I never did anything to these ppl. Turns out they were already a close knit group and had grown up together from kindergarten, and I was considered the Outsider. I was forced to sit alone at lunch, because whenever I tried to sit next to ppl, they got up and moved away. I am sure the teachers saw what happened, but there was nothing they could do about it, what damage was done was done.

So I began to go within myself, as that was one of my only solaces. My other solace was the faerie realm.

Then my cousin michael died and things stayed about the same.

high school was a whole new world for me. I was finally accepted!

but now I am in the work world where this one girl is trying her best to get me fired. she even rammed a bread cart right into my shins causing a huge bruise in the process!! I went thru the motions and filed the accident report etc. but in the end it was no use because I was blamed for it. the other girl had been physically violent before, gave a sob story to management, and got off scott free!!!!!!!!!!!! apparently thats how things work in walmart these days, god forbid you actually blame the perpatrator, nowadays its the victims fault!!!!!!!!!

anyone else had any similiar experiences as the reject? I would like to hear them. dont suggest therapy--been there done that didnt work and was a waste of my time and money.

[yossarian]

Thats when I hit rock bottom, by no fault of my own.

This is what they call a "disempowering belief."

Is what you say true? Yeah, basically.

But by looking at the world through that lens, are you empowering yourself? Are you allowing yourself to take control, or are you giving away your control?

Personally I think you're giving it away.

You've had bad stuff happen to you, you've had bad situations forced on you, this is a fact. The question now is whether you're going to allow yourself to be empowered, so that you can move on to better circumstances, or if you're going to wallow in the bad things that have happened.

If you do decide you'd like to move on, one easy thing you can do is each time you hear yourself saying, "Society forced this bad thing on me," Stop yourself, and then correct yourself, and instead say "It's my own job to fix it and I want to fix it."

You might be suprised at how a simple statement like that allows you to easily, over time, be freed from crappy situations.

I definitely know what you mean, when you talk about society forcing roles on you. It's happened to me a lot, very similar stuff to what has happened to you. I think it just takes persistence to eventually work your way out. It often has seemed to me like I drew a crappy lot in life, but over time if I can keep my attitude on change then things do change, slowly and surely, for the better. And really, those things which you think are so bad end up being growth experiences that you are grateful for later on.

[Shamou]

Hello VetTechJess...

For what reason do you think that people ostracized you...???

.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I think the whole thing is that you have to consciously break free of that mold you say society places on you. You have to take actions that are different from the role that you feel society forces you into. If you are constantly viewed as the Reject, start doing things that a more popular person would do, or act in a way that is the opposite of your first instinct. If for some reason this role was forced upon you, there had to be something you did to have people think of you in that light. It is fixing the problem within yourself to help bring about peace.

This reminds me of a classic Seinfeld episode where the George character does the opposite of what he feels and ends up becoming very successful. Good luck.

[JHL]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess

there are roles in society that everyone must play. these roles are not picked out by us, but the very people we associate with. our roles are picked out by none other than our peers.

Hi Jess. Fortunately, what you are saying is not quite true, though I do understand why you feel that way - it's not fun being the object of people's derision.

But the reality is that other people don't select your role for you (and even if they could, they probably wouldnt as they would be too busy worrying about how they come across). No, the truth is that people respond to you based on how you project yourself in the world. People take you at face value.

If you project yourself as confident and self-assured, then thats how people will take you. If, however, you believe you are a victim, powerless to be anything else because you dont have any choice in the matter - well then thats how people will respond to you - they're just taking you at face value.

I can imagine that inside you, you're feeling an enormous amount of anger for being treated this way by "life". Perhaps you're already aware that enough anger suppressed for long enough causes feelings of depression. Anger is a very powerful, useful energy. What you need to do is harness this anger and use it to change yourself. People dont have the right to put you in the victim box. People dont have the right to make you feel this way. Screw what other people think - you're no reject and you deserve to feel good about yourself and happy.

Find the anger inside of you and bring it out in a controlled way to refashion how you present yourself to the world. You're not a victim. You're a vibrant, powerful human being and thats who the world is going to have to deal with from today onwards!

[VetTechJess]

I was reading one of psychic sylvia browne's books, (for the life of me I cant remember the title of the book) and it listed the different life themes that we get to choose. and damn it if I didn't choose the Rejection Theme! really sometimes I wonder what possesses us to choose the worse case scenario for a lifetime. Really in essence, shouldnt we deserve atleast ONE easy lifetime, even if it will cost us additional lifetimes in the long run?

As far as being ostracized (again I hope the spelling is correct, if not oh well) it was mainly social rejection for some reason or another. I look back now and I remember asking why, and I was told that I was just there and it was just the most convenient. (!)

Go Figure. All I know is that I will not tolerate any of that behavior from any of my future children...if I catch them acting that way or making someone an outcast socially, I will beat them for it. (not abuse, mind you, just corporal punnishment)

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by VetTechJess
As far as being ostracized (again I hope the spelling is correct, if not oh well ) it was mainly social rejection for some reason or another. I look back now and I remember asking why, and I was told that I was just there and it was just the most convenient. (!)

This sounds quite suspicious to me… the main reason that people are ostracized is because, in one way or another, they are different…

Right now, you present yourself as the victim who is right… and everyone else is wrong… it might very well be the case… but, if so, I honestly don’t think that you are being candid with us…

If it is pity that you are after… you are on the right track… however, if it is a solution to your problem… you won’t get far this way…

This post is quite blunt… and I apologize for it… but, that is the way I see it…. and I hope that you can prove me wrong…

Regards…

.

[Lychee]

If you notice throughout history, the majority of the people almost always ridiculed the minority. To avoid this, people in the minority chose to follow the majority to make their lives easier. But if you also look throughout history, it is one person or a few group of people who highlight the books and who were responsible for the pivotal events which transformed the world.

Society will try to force roles upon people, but whether or not we decide to be affected by this attempt or to accept the role is entirely up to us. In every age group you will find stereotypes to identify people with - maybe you were the outcast, someone else was the popular one, another was a nerd or a geek. But only you can choose to accept these titles. The minorities who were able to make a difference made a difference because they did not let the majority discourage them. In the end it cannot be about whether or not people will acknowledge your accomplishments or if people who do wrong will be brought to justice. It's just about you and what you can do.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Shamou

This sounds quite suspicious to me… the main reason that people are ostracized is because, in one way or another, they are different...

What Lychee said.

It's worse in primary school and high school because:
(a) people are forming their sense of identity, and they do that in relation to those around them. Kids probably just labeled you 'the loser' for fear that otherwise it would be them!; and
(b) school is its own isolated universe away from any real-world meaning. In the absence of any real-world meaning, popularity at school becomes the reason for existence (see Paul Graham's essay Why nerds are unpopular).

The good news is that High School ends. The trick is not to let its traumas follow you into the real world.

VetTechJess, you're giving up your power. Sure, other people can choose how they perceive you, but you can choose how you perceive yourself. Only you can control who you are and what you do. People can call you loser, but whether or not you act like a loser is up to you.

BTW, I would be the last to suggest therapy, but if you go that path it makes a lot of difference which therapy you do. CBT/REBT has proven as effective as drugs at treating depression, with longer-lasting results. But a lot of therapists still use outmoded and ineffective approaches.

There's a good book called "Learned Optimism". You can read the book if you like (it explains how the book's approach was scientifically verified), but I'll give you the core in a nutshell:

Optimism basically boils down to how you view things that happen to you.

Optimists view good things as: generalised, permanent and personal
and bad things as: specific, temporary and impersonal.

A couple of examples:

It rains and you've forgotten your umbrella. A pessimist might think "Typical (generalised) - I'm always forgetting my umbrella (permanent) - I'm such a screwup (personal)". An optimist might think "I forgot my umbrella today (temporary) - that phone call (specific) distracted me (impersonal) from remembering".

You get promoted at work. A pessimist might think "I guess it was finally my turn (specific, impermanent, impersonal). An optimist might think "I earned that (personal) through my great customer service skills (specific) - if I keep working at it I can keep getting promoted! (permanent).

Note: The author makes it clear that he does not view this as an excuse to abdicate all responsibility - he considers generalised/specific and permanent/temporary to be more important than personal/impersonal. He also points out that there are times that you want to tap into your pessimistic side - when looking into high risk ventures or performing high detail work.

To put these priniciples into practice, when you find yourself thinking about things in a negative way, dispute them mentally.

To take your example of being picked on by a fellow Walmart employee:
(a) Is this a permanent problem? No. You're not going to be working with this person forever. (In fact, I'd be looking for employment elsewhere anyway - I'm sure you can do better than Walmart).
(b) Is this a general problem? Not really - it's localised to shared shifts with this person. You spend the majority of your time elsewhere.
(c) Is this truly terrible? Let's comparison test. how bad is it compared to having your limbs blown off? Being tortured and slowly killed? On a scale of 1-100 how catastrophic is it? Maybe a 25? You can handle a 25!

Why this matters is, not only do you feel better, but it's empowering. Badness isn't an all-pervasive aspect of your life - it's a temporary challenge to be overcome! You're not omnipotent (unless you believe those Law of Attraction guys) but you do have a lot more ability to affect things than you think you do. The main thing holding you back is you.

Choose your lens.

[TheColonel]

Try EFT.

Also, read How To Win Friends & Influence People. Seriously, I'm not joking.

You can also buy the MP3 of it on Audible.com.

[Neo Master]

Well when I was a young kid I wore glasses and kids made fun of me. But once I got contacts WOW things changed!

I was often made fun when I was young for being taller than other kids. But beating the hell out of them out them in their place! I know it was wrong but oh so fun!

In high school my height made things better for me. I was popular in high school. As far as tech school and work went after that. No one really bothered me. I started working out and got buff and hardly anyone DAREs to comment about my height. I am 6'7. Some people have acted crazy and said it was a honor to meet me because I was to tall. And I was like ok... It was nice to meet you to. I have to go now lol

In the end I am proud of my height and How I look today.

People used to make fun of me when I wore glasses at a young age. And also when I was tall and skinny.

But when My looks kicked in and I got thicker and everything no one tried to make fun of me.

Now I am happy with my life.

First of all I don';t care about what people think of me. This is WHO I AM. If people don't like it TOO BAD!

Be yourself. Being Unique is what makes you special. Those other people who put others down are unhappy and have NO significance in theri life. So they try to gain some kind of significance by puttings others down. I laugh at people who try to insult me. I just laugh and smile at them and walk by them. And they are just so suprised. Because they could not even make me react to their garbage. People who put others down are people I pity.

The girl who hit you with the cart is VERY immature. She really needs some kind of therapy. She seems to be very angery inside. Her taking her anger out on you is very bad.

I would say when I started my life when I was young I was a bit of a reject. But once I saw learned how to play a role to fit in and how that worked. I could fit in with just about everyone.

All that high school stuff in shallow though and has no importance in the real world. Most of the so called popular people I knew back then ended up lving at home or in jail or with a horrible life. And some of the so called rejects are VERY successful.

[Michael Chui]

I'm curious... why do people seem to think VetTechJess is asking for advice?

And you are having an easy lifetime, Jessica. I mean, you aren't dead yet, right? You have internet access, literacy, and enough free time to find this webpage. No, I'd say your life is pretty easy.

Also, an article worth reading (that I can't get around the payment thingy) is "Changing Exclusion To Inclusion", written by Susan Engel for the New York Times on March 21, 2007.
LESSONS; Changing Exclusion To Inclusion - Free Preview - The New York Times

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I'm curious... why do people seem to think VetTechJess is asking for advice?

You're absolutely right, I just assumed.

My apologies, VetTechJess.

[TheColonel]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I'm curious... why do people seem to think VetTechJess is asking for advice?

__________________________________________________ __________

Also, an article worth reading (that I can't get around the payment thingy) is "Changing Exclusion To Inclusion", written by Susan Engel for the New York Times on March 21, 2007.
LESSONS; Changing Exclusion To Inclusion - Free Preview - The New York Times

I would say when you make a post like she did in a personal development forum, it's reasonable to expect thoughts, advice or helpful comments.

Also Michael, I noticed you went on to make a suggestion to her as well. Why do you seem think VTJ is asking for advice?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I'm curious... why do people seem to think VetTechJess is asking for advice?

It seems pretty evident to me when she says, "anyone else had any similiar experiences as the reject? I would like to hear them."

Why would she want to hear about other people's similar experience if not to seek answers or solutions for that problem...???

.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

I would say when you make a post like she did in a personal development forum, it's reasonable to expect thoughts, advice or helpful comments.

Certainly reasonable, true.

Originally Posted by TheColonel

Also Michael, I noticed you went on to make a suggestion to her as well. Why do you seem think VTJ is asking for advice?

I was making a point, because I disagreed with her statement. Her implication that her life was harder than it should be was wrong, in my opinion, so I pointed out a different perspective.

I would do the same thing to someone who was preaching.

[Mark Lapierre]

I had all the trappings of a reject when I was in primary school. I was a good student from the start; I easily picked up everything I was taught and could always correctly answer teacher's questions. Being very skinny I appeared to be a typical nerd, albeit without the thick glasses.

I was also moved from a public school to a Christian school, in my third year of school. I used to be able to wake up, slowly get ready, sit and watch cartoons, then when I heard the bell ring, run across the road to class. Then, because my mum decided she wanted me and my brother to have a Christian upbringing, she decided that we'd have to go to another school, about 3 kilometers away on the other side of the biggest hill in the suburb (and our suburb was quite hilly).

I was upset. I don't remember how my brother felt, but I wasn't concerned with his feelings at that age, all I knew was that I had to catch the bus to school, and I had to wake up half an hour earlier than I used to, and I had to leave my friends. I cried a lot.

I'm sure most people would expect that the new, skinny nerd, cry-baby, and teacher's pet, would become a target for all the bullies. Yet I was almost never picked on. Or at least I was never picked on to the point of getting hurt. Sure, a few tried, but the thing that saved me was that I didn't react the way they expected. They'd tease me and I'd accept what they said, then fire an insult back. I'd be completely dead pan as I said it so that they couldn't tell if I was joking or not, but they'd know that I wasn't upset. I was pretty sarcastic too, so they actually found it funny, though I didn't intend it that way. I had no idea what I was doing at the time, but it worked so I didn't even think about it.

The bullies ended up ignoring me, and because I never thought of myself as better than anyone else, the non-bullies accepted me and I was able to make some new friends. I didn't really "click" with most of my classmates, but it seemed no-one thought of me as an outcast, despite meeting all the criteria.

I did end up getting beaten up once. One bully decided to follow me home one day and beat me up while a couple of his friends watched and laughed. I did the typical childish thing, I cried my way home, told my mum, then begged her to not to confront the other kid's mum. None-the-less she dragged me along, the other kid's mum said he was in big trouble, and I feared to return to school.

I avoided the bully for the next few days, and whatever his punishment was must have been effective because he didn't come looking for me.

I also joined a nearby karate club to make sure that I could defend myself next time. I never had to though, I was never bullied again.

Take from that what you will, but what it tells me, is that the way I behaved, the attitude I had towards others, was what caused them to treat me the way they did. They were interested in their own thing, and when I didn't fit their view of how I should act, they ended up viewing me differently. I didn't even have to change the way they thought, I just had to make sure I gave them the opportunity to fit me into a pre-existing image that was better for me. I'm grateful for the upbringing which allowed me to do that without realising it myself.

[C33]

I ve been a "Reject..." all my life.

Sometimes I am a Rejectee and sometimes a Rejectrix. I am happy as a Rejectrix, which is, more like being ELECTIVE, if not down right elitist. I used to feel sad/angry being the Rejectee, but now it mostly affects me when I am rejected by people that I want to associate with.

My favorite fairy tales are the Ugly Duckling and the Little Mermaid. I have found a few swans and ruffled feathers with a few ducks. ( but see what happens to the poor mermaid when she tries to CONFORM to get the prince!!!! She gets 2 legs and don t even get her guy!)

Being rejected by most is a sign of you being the EXCEPTION. Maybe it s pretentious to think this way, but that s a more empowering belief than taking rejection as something negative.

It s better to have 3 amazing people that think the world of you, than 100 sheep who don t even think for themselves.

Yes, society wants you to conform, but you are part of society, and you can resist conformity and defy the norm by abiding to the values of your highest self as much as you can. Conformity cannot exist in a vaccuum and society needs rebels to survive.

Nothing great has ever been accomplished by conformists. So stick your head up and enjoy being you. Others will be inspired by your confidence and your strength.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by C33

My favorite fairy tales are the Ugly Duckling and the Little Mermaid.

Disney version or Grimm version?