Is it too late to have close/old friends?

[Tom90]

Hi there. I’ve been wanting to ask this question for a long time.

Three years ago, my oldest friend, Sam, whom I considered my confidante/best mate, quit our friendship. We’d known each other for half our lives (since we were 16) and we did almost everything together, knew everything about each other, spoke almost every day.

She had a mantra for us “unconditional love, always” and so we lived our friendship like that, in a nonjudging be-yourself way. There was nothing sexual, by the way. Being friends was special to me, even more so because my family are an unloving one.

Sam quit it, because she decided to choose her marriage over us. I miss our friendship every day. Sometimes, it’s too emotional for me, because she’s in a lot of my memories. I never saw it coming, you know. Her leaving impacted on my other friendships, in that I became aware of how I wasn’t close to anyone else and how I had no real deep history with them. A few turned out not to be real friends at all. I’ve had no confidante/close friend since.

The last 7 months, I’ve noticed I’ve become more isolated than I’m used to. The only people I talk to when I’m down is the Samaritans. As a once social chap, I miss the days of just being known, looked out for, hanging out, sharing, listening to each other, all that stuff.

I know I’ll need to meet new friends sooner or later — but is it too late for close friends? Doesn’t everyone have their close and/or old friends by now? Where would I fit in people’s lives, because surely I can’t be an old friend or close friend for them and they can’t be for me. And I know these things take time to nurture… I guess I’m impatient and scared that it won’t happen.

I’m also acutely aware that my history/continuity/life lived — it won’t mean anything to anybody new, it will just be anecdotes, if even that. I don’t want to be unknown, if that makes sense; I don't mean in an ego way, more that somebody knows me, deeply knows me. I don't want to be a stranger.

Sam and I were witnesses to a lot of significant life things for each other, so how can I share that with new people? Would anyone even care…?

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by Tom90

I’m also acutely aware that my history/continuity/life lived — it won’t mean anything to anybody new, it will just be anecdotes, if even that. I don’t want to be unknown, if that makes sense; I don't mean in an ego way, more that somebody knows me, deeply knows me. I don't want to be a stranger.

Sam and I were witnesses to a lot of significant life things for each other, so how can I share that with new people? Would anyone even care…?

Would you care? If you met someone new, and they shared stories of their life with you,would it mean anything to you or would you keep that friendship at a surface level?

What you put out there, you will find. Don't be afraid of opening up to someone new - just because you didn't grow up with someone doesn't mean you will never be close to them. But you have to be willing to share of yourself first, to be receptive and not closed off.

:hugs:

[Angelique]

Erin wrote a pretty good article.
This one.

I hope you feel better soon. *hug*

[randi]

Originally Posted by Tom90

Sam and I were witnesses to a lot of significant life things for each other, so how can I share that with new people? Would anyone even care…?

The strongest friendships are those formed in childhood. Children have not developed the "walls" to intimacy that adults have. Plus you knew each others' parents, ate at the same restaurants, went to the same school, used the same air and water to build your growing bones. How can you ever replicate that? You can't.

However, you can create friendships in adulthood. You just must be willing to try. Hard. There's a lot working against you, especially as people begin breeding. Suddenly, it's all about the kids, for the kids, by the kids. Unless you are having kids yourself, you will not have much in common. Meanwhile the number of fellow single people your age is shrinking.

My strategy has been to keep contact with my pals from high school, college, grad school, old jobs. Some of them were not particularly close friends at the time, but we've rediscovered each other now and our shared histories do indeed create a ready-made bond on which to build.

[C33]

I think you can find someone with the same intensity and depth of emotional connection tomorrow.

I had a friend like this, for 26 years, and I broke up the friendship. No one understood why: that person was supposed to be my best friend for life. However, contrary to you, I find someone knowing me for a very long time has a stiffling influence. I think sometimes people are reference points but can also be dragging you in the past.

If you decide you are not your past, then it will be easier for you to let go of the comfort of a friendship based on many years of acquaintance. Maybe one day you will even realisethe friendship was stopping your personal growth.

Lifestyle changes are huge and, as another poster said, breeding draws a big wedge between people, so does marriage. Those who got married , had babies and dropped me from their social calendar, or plain ignored my life and pleaded terminal busyness,ended dusting me off years later when they heard divorce bells or needed an alibi to cheat on their previously perfect and wonderful spouse. They were the kind who were always too busy to meet or would inconvenienc me by having me go to their house and tip toe around their schedules.

Maybe it's a sad case of schadenfreude, but I really find a lot of humor in that sort of situation. Don't be surprise if your current friend contacts you again in a few years, when the white picket fence starts shafing.

There are a lot of people out there who would love a great, loyal friend. It doesn't matter how long you know someone, but how well you know someone, and what you do with that knowledge.

[Tom90]

@Gingerbaker

Would I care? I would care. I’m a proactive chap as a person and I have always tried to make the first move with new people.

But what’s happened is I’m finding that I end up as always the one making the first move, it’s never reciprocated. Unless I make the first call, a suggestion to meet, I don’t hear from them. I don’t know what this means. Does this mean there’s no chemistry really, even after the initial spark? I can’t tell.

Or, they’re only interested in you when I call, but even then they only talk about themselves, I’m always left listening. And although I’m fine with that — I’m a good listener — I also believe friends is about talking AND listening. I’m good at enquiring about people, because I have a genuine interest in people. But I’m never asked about my life, anecdotes, feelings.

That’s why I’ve kept to myself these past months, I suppose because I think I’m doing it wrong.

[Tom90]

@Angelique — thank you. I’ll check it out

@randi, @C33

That’s an interesting point about marriage and breeding. Thing is, I helped Sam meet her husband. We all used to hang out, pre-marriage.

Sam and I did have a bit of a ruck — well, more of a disagreement, about a year before. We’d had disagreements before, like you do — but this involved me asking her not to keep slagging off her in-laws to me everytime on the phone. I appreciate hearing a friend’s troubles, but it got to the point every phone call of hers was her bitching about her in-laws, for hours. When I asked her to stop, or at least vary her chitchat, it didn’t go down well.

It’s strange to think marriage automatically overrides years of good friendship. Why does someone even have to choose??

[randi]

Originally Posted by Tom90

Unless I make the first call, a suggestion to meet, I don’t hear from them. I don’t know what this means. Does this mean there’s no chemistry really, even after the initial spark? I can’t tell.

The other problem is that, by your age, many people already have "people". That is, they already have their set of friends, family, co-workers and are not looking to expand their circle. It does take time to maintain friendships and if they are already working two jobs (as so many are these days) and paying obeisance to the friends they already have, they may simply feel they don't have time for anyone else.

Originally Posted by Tom90

It’s strange to think marriage automatically overrides years of good friendship. Why does someone even have to choose??

Apparently being married/raising kids is SUCH an involving task that it leaves very little mental energy for anyone else. Or so it seems. I'm sure there are some balanced multi-tasking married people out there, but my experience also suggests there aren't many.

[Tom90]

Originally Posted by randi

The other problem is that, by your age, many people already have "people". That is, they already have their set of friends, family, co-workers and are not looking to expand their circle. It does take time to maintain friendships and if they are already working two jobs (as so many are these days) and paying obeisance to the friends they already have, they may simply feel they don't have time for anyone else.

So, basically, I'm out of luck, and that anyone I do find will be superficial, because it's too late? I feel really unhappy all of a sudden... because I've really tried and but I'm just kidding myself, right?

[Hampshire Girl]

Originally Posted by Tom90

So, basically, I'm out of luck, and that anyone I do find will be superficial, because it's too late? I feel really unhappy all of a sudden... because I've really tried and but I'm just kidding myself, right?

I feel for you Tom, losing a friend is like a bereavement and it sucks. One of my best friends who asked me to be her bridesmaid last year has dropped me like a stone, having told me just before her wedding we'd be friends for ever. I don't get it, it really hurts.

But I have peace of mind that I was the best friend I could be to her, I gave her a lot of moral support when she was going through a very rough patch and I'd do the same again. So I can walk away, very sadly, with a clear conscience and I know I've done nothing wrong.

You'll never meet someone quite like your best friend again but I believe we all have the potential to bond with lots of people over our lives, in different ways, and there isn't just one best friend out there for everyone. It will just take time, so try not to put any pressure on yourself, dust yourself off and go spend some time with a mix of people whose company you enjoy.

Sometimes, opening up to people you don't know that well can often open a window to a much richer friendship than you realised, so don't rule anything out. Take care.

[randi]

Originally Posted by Tom90

So, basically, I'm out of luck, and that anyone I do find will be superficial, because it's too late? I feel really unhappy all of a sudden... because I've really tried and but I'm just kidding myself, right?

No, I'm sorry to come off so negative. I think it is possible to build new friendships, it's just going to be harder. Like I said, I've gone back to re-building old relationships: people I may have only had shallow friendships with in grade school/high school, college, whatever. We're finding that our shared history, back when we were young and without limitations, is making a solid foundation for real friendship now. That's just one strategy. You're going to have to get creative.

It is unfortunate that our society forms such insular, small units (the nuclear family, the romantic couple). That's the format around which most people live their lives from about age 30 to 60. After that, it gets easier to make friends, I'm told. People get widowed, children are grown, jobs are retired from. But you can't wait that long!

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by randi

No, I'm sorry to come off so negative. I think it is possible to build new friendships, it's just going to be harder. Like I said, I've gone back to re-building old relationships: people I may have only had shallow friendships with in grade school/high school, college, whatever. We're finding that our shared history, back when we were young and without limitations, is making a solid foundation for real friendship now. That's just one strategy. You're going to have to get creative.

It is unfortunate that our society forms such insular, small units (the nuclear family, the romantic couple). That's the format around which most people live their lives from about age 30 to 60. After that, it gets easier to make friends, I'm told. People get widowed, children are grown, jobs are retired from. But you can't wait that long!

I will admit, I am very surprised you and the OP seem so worried about forming close friendships with people you did not grow up with. Many of my closest friends now are people I only met a few years ago. These are people that I have shared a great deal (emotion-wise) with, and our lack of a common history is far from a problem - if anything, it gives us more to share and discuss as we delve into our past experiences to explain or tell stories of how our upbringing influenced who we are today. Several of these friends are people I would trust with my children, that I have discussed cohabiting (in a platonic sense) space with, in fact one that I lent $600 to recently - which to me is a very sizeable sum of money, and marks the first time I have ever lent ANYONE a large amount of money.

By contrast, people I grew up with make up a rather limited group of my friends. One was super close and extremely important (my exhusband, and former best friend of 15 years), a few others I will do anything for if they ever need me, but I seldom speak to them in day to day life. My sister and mother are vital to my life. After that? Meh. I have not found the "lack of a shared history" to be even the slightest impediment to close friendship.

[randi]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

I will admit, I am very surprised you and the OP seem so worried about forming close friendships with people you did not grow up with......
.

Oh I wasn't saying it was *necessary*, only that that was the strategy I have employed. I am an extreme introvert and it works for me. If I had hobbies or athletic interests I could share with others, I'd be joining those kinds of groups and making friends there. Perhaps the OP should do the same?

[hiddenmaverick]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

I will admit, I am very surprised you and the OP seem so worried about forming close friendships with people you did not grow up with. Many of my closest friends now are people I only met a few years ago. These are people that I have shared a great deal (emotion-wise) with, and our lack of a common history is far from a problem - if anything, it gives us more to share and discuss as we delve into our past experiences to explain or tell stories of how our upbringing influenced who we are today. Several of these friends are people I would trust with my children, that I have discussed cohabiting (in a platonic sense) space with, in fact one that I lent $600 to recently - which to me is a very sizeable sum of money, and marks the first time I have ever lent ANYONE a large amount of money.

By contrast, people I grew up with make up a rather limited group of my friends. One was super close and extremely important (my exhusband, and former best friend of 15 years), a few others I will do anything for if they ever need me, but I seldom speak to them in day to day life. My sister and mother are vital to my life. After that? Meh. I have not found the "lack of a shared history" to be even the slightest impediment to close friendship.

This has been similar to my experience as well. I've been blessed with some wonderful friendships just this past year alone, and I'm far closer to the people I know today and have met in recent months than anyone I grew up with.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Tom90

Hi there. I’ve been wanting to ask this question for a long time.

Three years ago, my oldest friend, Sam, whom I considered my confidante/best mate, quit our friendship. We’d known each other for half our lives (since we were 16) and we did almost everything together, knew everything about each other, spoke almost every day.

She had a mantra for us “unconditional love, always” and so we lived our friendship like that, in a nonjudging be-yourself way. There was nothing sexual, by the way. Being friends was special to me, even more so because my family are an unloving one.

Sam quit it, because she decided to choose her marriage over us. I miss our friendship every day. Sometimes, it’s too emotional for me, because she’s in a lot of my memories. I never saw it coming, you know. Her leaving impacted on my other friendships, in that I became aware of how I wasn’t close to anyone else and how I had no real deep history with them. A few turned out not to be real friends at all. I’ve had no confidante/close friend since.

The last 7 months, I’ve noticed I’ve become more isolated than I’m used to. The only people I talk to when I’m down is the Samaritans. As a once social chap, I miss the days of just being known, looked out for, hanging out, sharing, listening to each other, all that stuff.

I know I’ll need to meet new friends sooner or later — but is it too late for close friends? Doesn’t everyone have their close and/or old friends by now? Where would I fit in people’s lives, because surely I can’t be an old friend or close friend for them and they can’t be for me. And I know these things take time to nurture… I guess I’m impatient and scared that it won’t happen.

I’m also acutely aware that my history/continuity/life lived — it won’t mean anything to anybody new, it will just be anecdotes, if even that. I don’t want to be unknown, if that makes sense; I don't mean in an ego way, more that somebody knows me, deeply knows me. I don't want to be a stranger.

Sam and I were witnesses to a lot of significant life things for each other, so how can I share that with new people? Would anyone even care…?

I had a friendship like this for very many years - about 12 - and I never, ever imagined I would be able to even be this close with anyone else.

As fate would have it, he and I drifted apart.

Know what else? I am even CLOSER... with an ever-widening number of people.

I never imagined that this would be so.

In fact, my friendship with my ex-best-friend was limiting me in a lot of ways that weren't obvious at the time... it held me back and stunted me, and I wasn't able to open up to other people.

Now I'm free to develop deep friendships with a number of people.

It took time for me to develop things with my new friends, where they know my history, but when you click with a new friend - you find yourself able to just talk for hours, and before you know it, you know their life story.

I also suspect that you two may have been using each other as a "crutch" and that this was keeping you out of romantic relationships. This was the case with my ex-BFF. She moved on and had to distance from you after she married, which is what happens when you have someone in your life who is essentially taking the place of a partner.

You may have to go through a similar process that people go through when they release an ex. Just because your relationship wasn't romantic or sexual, doesn't mean it wasn't significant in its own way; look at married people whose relationships have long since been based primarily upon shared history and friendship.

I highly recommend Kathryn Alice's "Releasing A Person" CD.

You actually are *not* free for a partnership while you have a partner surrogate relationship. My most recent relationship never really had a chance because we both had partner surrogate relationships and neither one of us were really willing to focus on the relationship at the expense of these friendships.

Make close and intimate friends, but don't get enmeshed like that again - don't put a person in the "partner" slot unless they're your partner. Make a number of friends, rather than just one friend upon whom you do most of the leaning.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by randi

The other problem is that, by your age, many people already have "people". That is, they already have their set of friends, family, co-workers and are not looking to expand their circle. It does take time to maintain friendships and if they are already working two jobs (as so many are these days) and paying obeisance to the friends they already have, they may simply feel they don't have time for anyone else.

There are people in their 30s and up who are looking for "people", just as there are single people who are looking for partners.

In fact, I met two dear friends *here* on the Pavlina board, one of which evolved into an "away-from-keys" friendship. All three of us are in our mid to late 30s and in the process of reorganizing our social circles and seeking new social circles, so I can't say that it's hopeless for someone in my age group to make new, close friends or form a new social circle.

[AngelPsychic444]

Originally Posted by Tom90

Hi there. I’ve been wanting to ask this question for a long time.

Three years ago, my oldest friend, Sam, whom I considered my confidante/best mate, quit our friendship. We’d known each other for half our lives (since we were 16) and we did almost everything together, knew everything about each other, spoke almost every day.

She had a mantra for us “unconditional love, always” and so we lived our friendship like that, in a nonjudging be-yourself way. There was nothing sexual, by the way. Being friends was special to me, even more so because my family are an unloving one.

Sam quit it, because she decided to choose her marriage over us. I miss our friendship every day. Sometimes, it’s too emotional for me, because she’s in a lot of my memories. I never saw it coming, you know. Her leaving impacted on my other friendships, in that I became aware of how I wasn’t close to anyone else and how I had no real deep history with them. A few turned out not to be real friends at all. I’ve had no confidante/close friend since.

The last 7 months, I’ve noticed I’ve become more isolated than I’m used to. The only people I talk to when I’m down is the Samaritans. As a once social chap, I miss the days of just being known, looked out for, hanging out, sharing, listening to each other, all that stuff.

I know I’ll need to meet new friends sooner or later — but is it too late for close friends? Doesn’t everyone have their close and/or old friends by now? Where would I fit in people’s lives, because surely I can’t be an old friend or close friend for them and they can’t be for me. And I know these things take time to nurture… I guess I’m impatient and scared that it won’t happen.

I’m also acutely aware that my history/continuity/life lived — it won’t mean anything to anybody new, it will just be anecdotes, if even that. I don’t want to be unknown, if that makes sense; I don't mean in an ego way, more that somebody knows me, deeply knows me. I don't want to be a stranger.

Sam and I were witnesses to a lot of significant life things for each other, so how can I share that with new people? Would anyone even care…?

At this time I think many people are being intuitively nudged to make friendships based on more spiritual terms and that means letting go of old friendships we've had for years, even if that feel's uncomfortable to you.

I know my suggestion I'm about to give you would probably not really make you feel much better... but I would look into it in a very serious way.

Start to make friends with your angels and spirit guides.

These beings COULD become your real friends, just as human's would, and in the long run you'll be much better off for it. I'm not saying completely forget about human's or people in this dimension, but do consider making friends with these higher beings of Light.... now is the time to do this. The fact that you could be feeling lonely is that your "soul friends"... are calling out to you at this time!

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by AngelPsychic444

At this time I think many people are being intuitively nudged to make friendships based on more spiritual terms and that means letting go of old friendships we've had for years, even if that feel's uncomfortable to you.

I know my suggestion I'm about to give you would probably not really make you feel much better... but I would look into it in a very serious way.

Start to make friends with your angels and spirit guides.

These beings COULD become your real friends, just as human's would, and in the long run you'll be much better off for it. I'm not saying completely forget about human's or people in this dimension, but do consider making friends with these higher beings of Light.... now is the time to do this. The fact that you could be feeling lonely is that your "soul friends"... are calling out to you at this time!

Oooh I agree with this! My friendships now are *much* more based upon common spiritual values... and my older friendships have been falling by the wayside.

[Tom90]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

My sister and mother are vital to my life. After that? Meh. I have not found the "lack of a shared history" to be even the slightest impediment to close friendship.

@gingerbaker, you're lucky that you have such a close relationship with family. I never have. How can I put it without sounding grim... I experienced emotional abuse growing up with them, esp my mum (in fact, still from her). Not a great time. Not a time of nurture or encouragement or emotional support, nothing. I was basically afraid for my safety a lot of the time at home, which is tough going when you're 11, 12, 13 and need the kindness of others but basically have to learn to cope yourself.

Somehow then, my friends became family, we just slowly turned to each other, each of us with our different cultural problems going on. Though I had a couple of other good friends at the time, Sam and I just clicked, when we first met at college and then even more so after uni. We just "got" each other, you know, she just understood subconsciously where I was at, where I'd been. She just really accepted me without judgment, which was a new thing to me. Hence the mantra thing I mentioned before. That's why the old friend/old history is important... because there isn't anyone else who was completely a witness to that.

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Make close and intimate friends, but don't get enmeshed like that again - don't put a person in the "partner" slot unless they're your partner. Make a number of friends, rather than just one friend upon whom you do most of the leaning.

Thanks @pyrogen. I did consider the whole 'eggs in one basket' thing after it all happened. There were other good mates happening during my friendship with Sam, but Sam was the confidante. I guess you never consider these things whilst you're in it, because it's good stuff, you don't even question it. I see your point. I'm just like that, though, having the one confidante.

Originally Posted by randi

If I had hobbies or athletic interests I could share with others, I'd be joining those kinds of groups and making friends there. Perhaps the OP should do the same?

Thanks. I would do, except I've been wanting to switch city/country for about a year now. The only reason I haven't moved yet is the unknown (what job to do, not knowing anyone in said place). Where I'm at (London) I've outgrown. It's like a rock and a hard place, if that makes sense.

[gingerbaker]

I'm sorry you had such a tough time of it growing up. I have a number of friends who had similar difficulties growing up: physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, you name it, even one dear friend whose mother opened credit cards in his name when he was 10 and ran up thousands of dollars in debt on them. He's in the process now of prosecuting her for identity fraud due to that. :/ I know that I am extremely lucky in having my closeknit family, for all the difficulties that we went through in my teens.

Originally Posted by Tom90

Thanks. I would do, except I've been wanting to switch city/country for about a year now. The only reason I haven't moved yet is the unknown (what job to do, not knowing anyone in said place). Where I'm at (London) I've outgrown. It's like a rock and a hard place, if that makes sense.

Oh, go for it! Sure, it's an unknown - ANY adventure is! You will make new friends, I promise you, even superduper close ones, eventually. Your situation (in wanting to move) makes me think of a coworker, who just moved to NYC a week ago Monday, and who I met at a regional training last week. I was one of only two people she knew in NYC last week and I have already given her advice on city navigation, guidance on where to find rock climbing classes, and we have plans for lunch next week. I'll get her settled in soon.

[Andrew Brunelle]

That reminds me of the age old question: How young can you die of old age?

It's really never too late to develop good friends, but old friends have a history. But you can develop that history over time, if you have that time. If you're 95 years old and working on your sixth heart attack, I wouldn't think you could make old friends, but you never know.

Just join things, meet people, and see who you "click" with. You'll find some great friends.

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

That reminds me of the age old question: How young can you die of old age?

It's really never too late to develop good friends, but old friends have a history. But you can develop that history over time, if you have that time. If you're 95 years old and working on your sixth heart attack, I wouldn't think you could make old friends, but you never know.

Just join things, meet people, and see who you "click" with. You'll find some great friends.

Ahhhh, thank you, you helped me articulate my my initial reaction to this thread!

@Tom90: You are conflating "close" and "old" friends.

[pyrogen]

I have the closest friends I've had in my life, and I've known them all for under two years.

[Rezzy7]

I am facing a similar challenge, too.

Originally Posted by Tom90

But what’s happened is I’m finding that I end up as always the one making the first move, it’s never reciprocated. Unless I make the first call, a suggestion to meet, I don’t hear from them. I don’t know what this means. Does this mean there’s no chemistry really, even after the initial spark? I can’t tell.

That’s why I’ve kept to myself these past months, I suppose because I think I’m doing it wrong.

This has also been my experience. I haven't been able to find someone who's willing to put in the effort that I do and it messes with my self-esteem...like, I know who I am, but if I'm correct, how is it people have zero interest in me? It's like I value myself but they don't. I know everyone says it's a "matter of time," but every day that goes by is another day without having even one person to share with on that level. In other words, the days that pass make it seem more and more urgent and "impossible" (even though it's illusory).

Originally Posted by Tom90

It’s strange to think marriage automatically overrides years of good friendship. Why does someone even have to choose??

Sometimes I think it's the friend's spouse that doesn't like that they spend so much time with someone else (even if they act ok with it in the beginning). Besides that, some spouses are extremely demanding and can even require their husband's or wife's constant attention! I experience this with my friends who married.

Originally Posted by randi

The other problem is that, by your age, many people already have "people". That is, they already have their set of friends, family, co-workers and are not looking to expand their circle.

This is what I found to be true, as well. People past certain age don't want any more people in their lives, they're already overwhelmed! I think this is partly due poor time-management, or they don't recognize that a new person may bring great gifts to their lives.

THANKFULLY, not everyone is this way. I know there are people out there who value new friends. I haven't found many, but I know they exist.

Originally Posted by Hampshire Girl

I feel for you Tom, losing a friend is like a bereavement and it sucks. One of my best friends who asked me to be her bridesmaid last year has dropped me like a stone, having told me just before her wedding we'd be friends for ever. I don't get it, it really hurts.

I really don't understand how people can do this.

But I have peace of mind that I was the best friend I could be to her,

I can walk away, very sadly, with a clear conscience and I know I've done nothing wrong.

This is what I'm trying to do, and trying not sadly.

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

Many of my closest friends now are people I only met a few years ago. These are people that I have shared a great deal (emotion-wise) with, and our lack of a common history is far from a problem -

I think this is easier to say once you've experienced it, once the few years have passed, than when you are starting with no close friends. After all, you now have a few years of history. It probably also varies by person, too, how much that matters.

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

It's really never too late to develop good friends, but old friends have a history. But you can develop that history over time, if you have that time. If you're 95 years old and working on your sixth heart attack, I wouldn't think you could make old friends, but you never know.

People seem to start making friends again when they reach the age they have to move to a senior home, assisted living or nursing home, because they're there with a bunch of other people of similar age. But prior to that many are desperately alone for a long time, like after their spouse died years earlier. Many are neglected by their families. Past a certain age it probably becomes more and more difficult to move, let alone leave the house and be part of some thing.

So that is one reason I think there is a sense of urgency, to make and KEEP good, solid, dependable, long-term friends before a certain age.

Just join things, meet people, and see who you "click" with. You'll find some great friends.

Everyone says this, but so far I haven't found anyone to click with this way.

[Tom90]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

@Tom90: You are conflating "close" and "old" friends.

Hi @gingerbaker. Thanks for your kind insight. I realise I can’t have an old friend now in the way Sam was to me — but not having this is why the impact on finding new close friends.

It will feel superficial because it’s like — if you can imagine for a second not having your closeknit family now. Not having them — just you and only you. Sam to me was like closeknit family. That was probably a better way of describing our friendship.

So not having that — new close friends will feel superficial. I guess I’m trying to find and build closeknit family again. I know this is unfair to a new person I meet, that I might unconsciously be assessing them on that level. I know bonds take time. I’m aware people might have their closeknit friends already — whether from recent closeness or historically. I know I’m impatient — because I’m scared to be deeply unknown to anyone in the world. I know I’ve pushed people away, because they don’t meet the “criteria”. I’m also scared that I’m attracting incompatible people, by misinterpreting spark for possibility, 'cos I’m so blind in my hopes. Maybe I’m just overanalysing.

I guess I fear I’ll end up on my own. And right now, it’s affecting my esteem, my work life. You just wonder, what’s the point? What’s to live for when no one really really really knows you? When there’s no one to vouch for you. I don’t want this to come across as me being selfish in all this, by the way. Nor do I want to come across as desperate. Sometimes I feel I might be becoming like the latter… which is why I keep to myself.

[openeyes]

For anyone still breathing I'd say there's still time. After that is debatable

Whatever you love doing, go out and do it, or go out and find out what you love doing, and see who you meet along the way.

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

People seem to start making friends again when they reach the age they have to move to a senior home, assisted living or nursing home, because they're there with a bunch of other people of similar age.

I think this is another MAJOR area of limiting belief to explore. That is: that close friends need to be close *in age*. This is simply not true. A few examples: my mother's best friend, whom she is extremely close to, is only ten years older than me. She is actually much closer in age to me than my mother, but they have a very deep bond. I like her, but we are not close in that way, despite being similar in age and having children of the same age (so, in the same stage of parenting despite our age difference). And, for the record, she and my mother met about 5 years ago, on the Staten Island ferry quite randomly .

In a similar vein, one of my favorite exboyfriends, whom I am still quite close to, is 34 years my senior. He knows all my secrets, and if I am panicked about anything, I can call him without a moment's thought.

In fact, thinking about it some more, I am also quite close with someone at my workplace who is 15 or so years older than me. Not as close as ALL that, but then, I've only known him a short time - still, I have shared a great deal with him that I generally would not to anyone I work with.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have some very dear friends who are in their early twenties. (I am 31.)

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Tom90

I guess I fear I’ll end up on my own. And right now, it’s affecting my esteem, my work life. You just wonder, what’s the point? What’s to live for when no one really really really knows you? When there’s no one to vouch for you. I don’t want this to come across as me being selfish in all this, by the way. Nor do I want to come across as desperate. Sometimes I feel I might be becoming like the latter… which is why I keep to myself.

+1. It makes me ask what is the point of doing much, because there's only so much I am interested in doing for myself, by myself, and that gets old. It's easier to make less effort when I'm the only one involved. I also ask, "How does one who is desperate avoid coming across that way?" And I have no answer so far. I think the people who are not in this situation don't fully understand, nor do people who have been in it but make close friends more readily.

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

I think this is another MAJOR area of limiting belief to explore. That is: that close friends need to be close *in age*.

I agree with your point, and I just want to add that I wasn't suggesting the elderly in a home need other people to be the same age, I just meant that it helps them relate to each other well. I have friends who are 10 years older or more, and if it was socially acceptable, friends who are kids or teens or in their 20's.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

I think this is another MAJOR area of limiting belief to explore. That is: that close friends need to be close *in age*. This is simply not true. A few examples: my mother's best friend, whom she is extremely close to, is only ten years older than me. She is actually much closer in age to me than my mother, but they have a very deep bond. I like her, but we are not close in that way, despite being similar in age and having children of the same age (so, in the same stage of parenting despite our age difference). And, for the record, she and my mother met about 5 years ago, on the Staten Island ferry quite randomly .

In a similar vein, one of my favorite exboyfriends, whom I am still quite close to, is 34 years my senior. He knows all my secrets, and if I am panicked about anything, I can call him without a moment's thought.

In fact, thinking about it some more, I am also quite close with someone at my workplace who is 15 or so years older than me. Not as close as ALL that, but then, I've only known him a short time - still, I have shared a great deal with him that I generally would not to anyone I work with.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have some very dear friends who are in their early twenties. (I am 31.)

Some of my favorite among my friends.... are old enough to be my parents.

[Tom90]

I’ve come to realise over the last few days that it’s emotional support that I’m actually in need of. When I think about Sam, I think about her in that capacity. That’s how I’ve been trying to describe our friendship to you in this post, a bit unsuccessfully I feel only because I couldn’t describe it for me.

Emotional support is different to the idea of a close friend, and I’m going to be rephrasing what I specifically mean for an upcoming thread.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted for this one. I am very grateful for your kindness, insight and advice, and for letting me share where I’m at with you.

Tom