Help getting over my shyness/fear of rejection

[starlequin]

To be succinct: become immune to rejection.

[Dulma]

This may sound impossible or too simple but.. the key is to accept yourself. Let go of any rejection of your own perceived relationship limitations. Love yourself There's not really anything you can say or any place/club you can go or any tactic of approach you can make with girls that will help you if you don't have a self-accepting, positive attitude towards yourself and towards relationships and girls in the first place. And, in that vein, if you have the right attitude and self-love, you really can't go wrong even with the dumbest comments or most hideous manners. I mean, we all know those guys who say and do the most brutish things and still get the girls, right?

Also, it's a mistake to take rejection very seriously. Think of it as a game! I know guys who face practically 30 rejections a day and keep smiling and flirting and STILL don't give up (sometimes, to a fault! haha). They enjoy it. Life isn't so serious, after all. So you get rejected. Oh well! Would you really want to be with a girl who doesn't see how great you are anyway?

Speaking as a girl whose been asked out by a not insignificant number of guys, the expectations/self-image of the guy really really show (can't be hidden, it seems) when they ask out a girl. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy: when a guy asks me out who seems to believe, deep deep down and without a doubt, that he's hot stuff and that I'd say yes to his advances, then his confidence is attractive and I just get swept up in his Jedi-mind trick thing going on. Lol. Really! And when a guy, no matter how cute I thought he was initially, approaches me and his fear of rejection and therefore his expectation that I'll refuse is so strong I can practically smell it, then I just feel innately repelled even though I'm telling myself that he'd actually be a good fit.

Basically, fear not rejection. It's just rejection. It's not death. It's sting only comes from the fact that we associate rejection with lack of love or with our innate unworthiness in some way, which is entirely constructed in our minds. Love yourself. So important that I can't even exaggerate. Especially in cases like these. If you work on building your own self-esteem and self-love, then girls and dates and confidence and everything will follow. They are by-products.

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by linviolin

<quote>The problem I have with this is that I'm pretty sure (not positive) that the seriousness issues stem from a lack of self confidence from being so completely and utterly unsuccessful with girls. How am I supposed to be confident that girls will like me when literally every available piece of evidence and logic supports the opposite case. Its not that I don't see any worth in me, its more that I feel like they don't (and wont) see it in me. Admittedly, I don't really see myself as being attractive (not exactly ugly either though), but I do see myself as being intelligent, funny, witty, interesting, nice, etc. The issue is that girls seem to either disagree or not view what I have to offer as being sufficient. So rather than continue to be embarrassed and humiliated by a perpetual cycle of "No's", I just don't even try any more. And before you say that being rejected isn't the end of the world, let me say that while the world certainly wont end, being laughed at and humiliated when your thirteen years old after asking for something as simple as a dance does something to a person. I can't deal with that again.</quote>

DerekB, This may be a super late reply to this post, but I just read it and realise that I have some similar feelings that you have, and I'm an 18-year-old girl, haha. Now I'm not sure if similar things apply to girls and guys, for instance I was brought up believing in "If a guy's seriously interested in you, he'll ask you out. You shouldn't have to ask him out." And indeed when I was about 15 and did ask someone out, I believe I did it rather awkwardly and too quickly, and that wasn't good. I've been afraid of asking guys out ever since.

But on the other hand no guy has asked me out ever, so I begin doubting myself and I think there is some intrinsic quality that puts people off. Like you, I also see myself as not too attractive but not too ugly, and I believe I can be witty when I want to. Some people tell my maybe some guys are shy and don't do any asking, but I'm highly cynical when it comes to that. I always think that there is something in me that deters them. It is indeed very frustrating when everyone around you seems to be pairing up, and even more so when my friends start talking to me about their relationship issues! A bit like rubbing salt into the wound, yes?

Someone told me not to force things and just let them happen. I've also realised that I have to learn to be more accepting and comfortable with myself. I can't handle being alone or quiet and I feel that I need other people's acceptance and company all the time. I'm working on spending time alone, and enjoying my one-person hobbies: eg drawing, writing, reading. On the other hand I feel that I socialise better now, and some of my good friends are indeed guys, so that isn't so bad.

I think that our solutions to our issues would be quite similar: develop strength of belief in ourselves. My father told me the importance of building a 'personal brand and identity' of yourself. It's true I suppose, once you get a certain identity you'll find people who are drawn to that. So what do you think your identity could be, and how do you find my point of view?

Hi lin. I definitely understand where your coming from. However, I can't help but think that just by virtue of the gender roles in our society, specifically within the context of dating and relationships, our problems are different enough that they lack a common solution, despite extremely similar root causes. As a girl, I wouldn't be surprised if you might just not seem "available/approachable" enough to guys. I think women wield a lot more power when it comes to dating than they think they do, and certainly more than guys. The reason is that they aren't expected to ask a guy out or put themselves out there in the same way (plus inexperience is not frowned upon in the same way it is for guys) So if a girl is sending out strong enough signals, I have trouble believing they still would have a great deal of trouble finding a guy. Even pretty shy guys, as shy and inexperienced with girls as they might be, would probably be able to manage to ask out a girl if she were to jump into their lap at a party or something (though to be honest for me that might not even be a strong enough signal to do it at this point, for fear that they're messing with me) and if that doesn't work, they still have the option to ask out the guy of their choice. Reverse roles and imagine a guy sending out very strong signals, he'd probably be most easily labeled as a creep, with sexual harassment not far out of the realm of possibility. With guys, we generally are expected to take a leap of faith (see my metaphor about the guy trying to fly on the first page), and so for a shy guy to do this in the first place is very difficult, let alone if they try and get shut down.

As far as you being "cynical" about guys being too shy as the reason they don't ask you out, consider me proof-positive of that theory's validity. Based on what you wrote about yourself, the fact that you were kind enough go try and help me, and the high level of intelligence that is apparent in your writing, I can tell you that I seriously doubt that the issue is your looks or personality.

People keep telling me just be confident and it'll work out. But I can't be confident when there is no logical reason I should be. Its not that I don't think that I'm a great guy overall; I do. The issue is that it seems overwhelmingly apparent that girls don't. Don't get me wrong, girls don't dislike me or think I'm a creep, but insofar as I can tell, neither do they like me enough that they would say yes if I asked them out. And because of this, I'm kind of stuck in a situation where the only way to get the confidence I need to ask a girl out would be to go out with a girl. Since cause must come before effect, this is impossible, a paradox specially designed by god to screw me. And to compound the problem, being in this situation either causes be to be depressed or is an end result of actual depression, which I can only imagine is not an attractive attribute to women. I'm just unbelievably exasperated at this point. The only reason I even get out of bed in the morning is the hope that each day will be different than the 19 years before it, because frankly I don't think that I would've missed out on much had I stayed in bed for those.

[linviolin]

Originally Posted by DerekB

As far as you being "cynical" about guys being too shy as the reason they don't ask you out, consider me proof-positive of that theory's validity. Based on what you wrote about yourself, the fact that you were kind enough go try and help me, and the high level of intelligence that is apparent in your writing, I can tell you that I seriously doubt that the issue is your looks or personality.

People keep telling me just be confident and it'll work out. But I can't be confident when there is no logical reason I should be. Its not that I don't think that I'm a great guy overall; I do. The issue is that it seems overwhelmingly apparent that girls don't. Don't get me wrong, girls don't dislike me or think I'm a creep, but insofar as I can tell, neither do they like me enough that they would say yes if I asked them out. And because of this, I'm kind of stuck in a situation where the only way to get the confidence I need to ask a girl out would be to go out with a girl. Since cause must come before effect, this is impossible, a paradox specially designed by god to screw me. And to compound the problem, being in this situation either causes be to be depressed or is an end result of actual depression, which I can only imagine is not an attractive attribute to women. I'm just unbelievably exasperated at this point. The only reason I even get out of bed in the morning is the hope that each day will be different than the 19 years before it, because frankly I don't think that I would've missed out on much had I stayed in bed for those.

I sense some compliments in there, DerekB, thank you. (Physically my problem seems to be a bit of acne, haha) As for yourself, you do indeed sound articulate and intelligent to me as well. And don't worry about the confidence bit--like you said, it's a little counter-intuitive to take a 'leap of faith' and suddenly plunge yourself into asking girls out.

My father (I like quoting him, he gives good advice lol) told me that self-confidence, like anything, is practiced. So practice it in small steps and get better over time, it's like learning to play an instrument. If I'm not mistaken you mentioned that you don't really have friends who are girls, am I right? Well, you could start there. Just make conversation with girls, don't expect them to start going out with you or anything. Just work on getting to know them well at a friendly level. Things will work out, though probably not in the way you'd expect. I'm sure you have plenty of girls in your business school batch. That's pretty much the level I am operating on as well.

Frankly, I find your views interesting, although not the most sanguine. I'd like to get to know you better actually, over the internet. While you think our problems are sufficiently different, I don't see any problem with us becoming internetty friends and motivating each other to achieve our goals. So I'm going to send you a private message now and we'll see what happens from there.

[linviolin]

Scratch that, private message doesn't seem to be working for me, so I emailed you instead

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by Dulma

This may sound impossible or too simple but.. the key is to accept yourself. Let go of any rejection of your own perceived relationship limitations. Love yourself There's not really anything you can say or any place/club you can go or any tactic of approach you can make with girls that will help you if you don't have a self-accepting, positive attitude towards yourself and towards relationships and girls in the first place. And, in that vein, if you have the right attitude and self-love, you really can't go wrong even with the dumbest comments or most hideous manners. I mean, we all know those guys who say and do the most brutish things and still get the girls, right?

Also, it's a mistake to take rejection very seriously. Think of it as a game! I know guys who face practically 30 rejections a day and keep smiling and flirting and STILL don't give up (sometimes, to a fault! haha). They enjoy it. Life isn't so serious, after all. So you get rejected. Oh well! Would you really want to be with a girl who doesn't see how great you are anyway?

Speaking as a girl whose been asked out by a not insignificant number of guys, the expectations/self-image of the guy really really show (can't be hidden, it seems) when they ask out a girl. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy: when a guy asks me out who seems to believe, deep deep down and without a doubt, that he's hot stuff and that I'd say yes to his advances, then his confidence is attractive and I just get swept up in his Jedi-mind trick thing going on. Lol. Really! And when a guy, no matter how cute I thought he was initially, approaches me and his fear of rejection and therefore his expectation that I'll refuse is so strong I can practically smell it, then I just feel innately repelled even though I'm telling myself that he'd actually be a good fit.

Basically, fear not rejection. It's just rejection. It's not death. It's sting only comes from the fact that we associate rejection with lack of love or with our innate unworthiness in some way, which is entirely constructed in our minds. Love yourself. So important that I can't even exaggerate. Especially in cases like these. If you work on building your own self-esteem and self-love, then girls and dates and confidence and everything will follow. They are by-products.

Hey Dulma. The thing is, I don't "have a self-accepting, positive attitude towards [myself] and towards relationships and girls in the first place." Why would I? What would be the basis of those feelings? I have experienced nothing but failure in this department. Think about this for a minute: I am going to be a sophomore in college, and the most I've done with a girl is DANCE (One time! And I'm almost positive my little brother asked her to ask me, because I couldn't bring myself to ask a girl to my own prom). That is pathetic. Even if I was given the opportunity, I'm already so far behind and inexperienced its hard to imagine it would go well. Look at the story about the frat party to see what I mean. I don't make dumb comments, and my manners are just fine. But that only makes the existence of "those guys who say and do the most brutish things and still get the girls" that much more painful, salt rubbed into the wound. People tell me I'm the nicest guy they know. How is it than, that I constantly see guys that I could only fairly be described as a**holes "getting" girls every time they're at a party.

Rejection isn't a game to me, its the inevitable outcome of every attempt I make to ask a girl out or do anything of that nature. As far as those guys who are fine with being rejected thirty times a day, I guarantee you that they have at least once in their lives had the girl say yes.

I'm very happy for you that you have no lack of guys asking you out, but I have to ask: Why do you feel "innately repelled" by guys you thought would be a good fit or that you found cute moments earlier just because they're nervous about asking you out? Is it because you think that that lack of confidence pervades in other aspects of their lives? Isn't the possibility that you saying "yes" would boost their confidence enough to merit giving them a chance? I understand that confidence is attractive, but your telling me that without confidence everything else about them doesn't matter? In my experience, a lot of the most confident guys treat girls like objects.

As far as what you said about how if I boost my "self-esteem and self-love, then girls and dates and confidence and everything will follow" that goes back to the same thing I've been saying. The lack of self-esteem and confidence is caused by my lack of experience with girls, and I can't think of anything that would boost my confidence other than finally being "successful" with a girl.

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by linviolin

I'd like to get to know you better actually, over the internet.

You may not realize it or accept it, so I will just state the obvious. This is "success" right here. Yes, it's "just" an online meeting, but it counts. Not "every" interaction with a woman leads to rejection!

[neivindamin]

by reading ur story bro my suggestion will be
1.ask lot of girls just to build ur confidence no prob. if they rejects u. u will learn slowly what they want nd how they want but only thing is u hav to give it a try. forget abt rjection only concentrate on wht girls like nd try to work on that.
2.do make over dude u hav to look smart no prob. how u look try to do better
3.sense of humor is a grt tool to attract girls try to work on tat it will sail ur boat dude trust me on this.

[Benton]

Originally Posted by bunnyman

Male Redditors: What are some hints females gave you, but you didn't get them until after you had your chance? : AskReddit

Now that's depressing. Read through that whole thread thinking "hey maybe I've just missed signals."

No. I am quite sure that I've never gotten any of those.

OP I know the feeling. I'm trying hard to fix my self image, going to the gym, eating better, getting out of my head, but it's hard work. The gym is a new thing, so I don't expect results for a while, but the psychological thing is going to take way longer than I hoped. Years and years probably.

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by bunnyman

You may not realize it or accept it, so I will just state the obvious. This is "success" right here. Yes, it's "just" an online meeting, but it counts. Not "every" interaction with a woman leads to rejection!

Bunnyman, I have to disagree with you. A purely platonic relationship with a girl met online does not, in any way shape or form, constitute success.

I should clarify something. Girls don't run away from me screaming in fear. Like I said earlier, I'm the nice guy that most everybody likes. Its just that none of them "like-like" me. Here's a little story about the closest thing I've ever had to a girl hitting on or flirting with me: Once, a few months ago, one of my good male friends let it slip to a mutual female friend that my parents are millionaires (not super rich though, for the record). She later asked me, jokingly, to take her out to a nice steakhouse like Ruth Chris' in Boston. She had a boyfriend and was only kidding because she sort of knows about my troubles with girls.

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by DerekB

I'm the nice guy that most everybody likes. Its just that none of them [women] "like-like" me.

Lots of things have been written about the "nice guy" phenomenon. Here is a page I liked:

Why the Nice Guy Fears Approaching Women | Approach Anxiety

[truewinner]

"Conquer your shyness, Embrace your flyness" Kanye West. You just need some confidence man, everybody gets rejected, the key is to not give up and keep going out there and being yourself. Think of asking girls out as playing poker, you never have a chance to win the pot if you never play. There are tons of women in the world, it is just a matter of time until you find your sweat heart.

Check out my site victorywords.blogspot.com It's main purpose is to help people realize how wonderful they are and defeat their shyness. Think of it this way, you have plenty of wonderful gifts that only you can give to the world, don't deprive everyone else of these gifts because you are too shy.

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by bunnyman

Lots of things have been written about the "nice guy" phenomenon. Here is a page I liked:

Why the Nice Guy Fears Approaching Women | Approach Anxiety

Believe it or not, I actually read that article the night before you posted that link. What are the odds huh? But I digress. People keep telling me that confidence is the key, that confidence is all I need and boom, problem solved. But that is a lot easier said than done. It's like telling somebody in debt that all they have to do to solve their problem is make money. Just because they know what they need doesn't mean they know how to get it, or even that they physically can.

[bunnyman]

I think I get you.

You know what you want, and you know something about about how to get it, but the goal is too far away and seems too difficult. You cannot get there right away, but you can start to move in that direction.

Eric writes about that on his blog. If you cannot ask for a date, ask for a phone number. If you cannot ask for a phone number, just say hello. If you cannot do that, just try smiling at people. If you cannot smile at people, just get out of the house and stand near people. If that is still too much, then just read web sites about dating.

No matter where you are right now, you can make some effort towards your goal. (Effort is all you can give; success or failure are not under your control when other people are involved.)

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by bunnyman

I think I get you.

You know what you want, and you know something about about how to get it, but the goal is too far away and seems too difficult. You cannot get there right away, but you can start to move in that direction.

Eric writes about that on his blog. If you cannot ask for a date, ask for a phone number. If you cannot ask for a phone number, just say hello. If you cannot do that, just try smiling at people. If you cannot smile at people, just get out of the house and stand near people. If that is still too much, then just read web sites about dating.

No matter where you are right now, you can make some effort towards your goal. (Effort is all you can give; success or failure are not under your control when other people are involved.)

Your basically right. The problem, though, is that while I can read websites, smile at people, and say hello, I can't take the next step. The gap between "talking to" and "asking out" or blatantly flirting is quite wide, and there doesn't seem to be any readily apparent way for me to get past it. That's what this whole thread has been about. How that confidence is necessary to go through with it, but the only way to get that confidence at this point is to have done it.

I'm so tired of being this way...

[DerekB]

People keep telling me that confidence is all I need. The thing is that I know that. I agree with that. I knew that I needed to be more confident before I even started my thread. My problem isn't not knowing what I need, its an inability to get it. This past night in our hottub my parents spent 45 minutes explaining to me that I need to loosen up, have some fun, ask out some girls. Didn't have the heart to tell them I already knew that. Theres a big difference between knowing what you need and having it.

Can anybody give me some advice other than "be more confident" or "be immune to rejection"? I'm not immune to rejection, nor will I ever be. I really just don't have it in me to do the things being suggested. I can't make the move from platonic to flirtatious. I just flat out, physically can't do it. I mean really, this is so deeply entrenched in my personality that seven shots in 30 minutes wasn't enough to break through my inhibitions.

[Dulma]

I understand you completely. It's a vicious circle, and this kind of a cyclical trap can manifest in various forms. The foundation for your overcoming this shyness and fear of rejection hasn't yet had a chance to be established and yet it's that very foundation that is required for you to have success with girls.

But just step out of yourself for a moment, if you can, and take a look at the way you are approaching the situation. At the moment, you feel down about this whole scenario and what you perceive to be your shortcomings, as anyone would and many do. But this negativity can snowball. In fact, the more you focus on how unfair and helpless the circumstances appear, the less you'll feel inclined to be proactive or optimistic. I've definitely been there.

When we're in a place of disappointment or frustration, our reaction is completely rational in our minds. I'm certainly not saying that you don't have reason to be negative. Rejection hurts. Inexperience with the opposite sex, especially at our age, can be socially difficult. But if you really sincerely want to be happy, then you have to charge headfirst onto that path towards a fulfilling journey to self growth. A defeatist attitude, however grounded in "evidence," can only make you feel the pain of an undesirable situation that much more strongly. And a positive one can only help, even if right now you see no reason that would justify your positivity.

When a guy approaches me without any confidence, there's some exchange that happens on a more subtle level that transcends (or maybe cancels out) any mental considerations I may make. If I think a guy is attractive from afar (we have the same interests, he's physically appealing, etc.) but I feel that he is fearful of rejection when he approaches me and is basically putting myself, in his mind, in the "out of my league" category, then there's something on the level of energy or instinct (whence it comes isn't what's important in this case) that repels me in spite of myself. But don't get me wrong, this isn't something unique to me or to girls. It's a human thing and is quite involuntary. Most communication is nonverbal, and that nonverbal portion is very, very strong.

The lesson of this, basically, is that specific physical or personality traits are absolutely secondary to confidence, for lack of a better word. But this confidence isn't just silly cockiness or meathead behavior. What I'm referring to is that charisma that emanates from someone that is rooted in a love for self, a feeling of fulfillment that doesn't require the love or attention or acceptance of others to feel content. That's the sexiest thing of all, to anyone, without exception. How to get to this point? It's a lengthy journey. And I can't say I know of any formula but you basically have to realize the importance of self love and from there develop your will to focus on cultivating that instead of focusing on rejection or on how to evoke certain reactions in certain people, since focusing on the latter are effects of the root cause of a feeling of emptiness that makes us seek from others what we have yet to learn to give ourselves.

I hope this makes sense. Best of luck.

[neilward2]

I only read your intial post and not the follow ups so apologies if I repeat anything.

1. You are approval seeking and in the victim mindset all the way through your post - 'I go to 1 of the top 20 schools... etc' - completely irrelevant to the thread. Your ego put that in there to make the problem seem less - notice I said there: 'your ego' put it in - not 'you' put it in.

I just had to cure a guy with the worst case of this I've ever seen. He had spun so far out of control that he believed that he was a spy for the CIA and a billionaire. The ego can be so dangerous if you let it go unchecked - so always read your posts for any sign of egotism or reaction to others comments. But hey, that isn't wasn't this post is about - just something I noticed that's all...

I could cure this fear that you have in about 45 mins. You would then need to do the follow up exercises yourself - but you would no longer be crippled by the fear of rejection again which is what this is. But let me tell you something - even the best dating gurus in the world get anxious when they see a woman that they like - we wouldn't be human if we didn't! If anyone tells you that they can approach any woman in the world with the intetention of asking her out on a date without any nervousness - they are not being 100% honest. If that were true then there wouldn't be any attraction there because there would be no empotional drive behind the approach in the first place. Hence, it wouldn't be genuine. When attraction comes into the mix, chemicals are released - this is natural. People will try to sell you things to eliminate AA! And all this other crap but AA is just the result of a lack of confidence.

I could type all day on this so I'll cut it short there,

Where are you in the World?

And do you have Skype? And no this isn't an open invite to everyone else reading! lol - I made that mistake last time and got bombarded with requests!

[Clint Cora]

One thing that I can suggest is Toastmasters clubs in your area. I have observed LOTS of people who were formally shy and nervous, turn out to be decent communicators in front of people which in turn built up their confidence with others, including members of the opposite sex.

Being thrown into the dance clubs without the confidence is not the way to go.

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

One thing that I can suggest is Toastmasters clubs in your area. I have observed LOTS of people who were formally shy and nervous, turn out to be decent communicators in front of people which in turn built up their confidence with others, including members of the opposite sex.

Being thrown into the dance clubs without the confidence is not the way to go.

I'm already very good at public speaking. It comes naturally and easily to me because I only need confidence in my intelligence and communication skills to do it, not in my looks or ability to flirt with/attract girls. They're completely separate things for me. My problem isn't an overarching shyness that permeates all aspects of my life, its strictly my shyness towards girls.

[taylor]

Hey Derek did you ever end up making an action plan for this?

[sacredtiger]

When it comes to building confidence, fun and comfort it all starts within. For example when your were at the frat party and everyone was dancing and having fun and letting loose it was because it's what they enjoyed doing. If you weren't and felt as though something was wrong that's not to say that you can't learn that but for the basics of being relaxed start simple and with yourself. Think about things, like music and singing, that you enjoy doing that are important and feel good to most people to start conversation with. This does two things, one it puts you in a mind state to talk comfortably and confidently about something you're good at, and two it allows you to connect with just about anyone. Do you know anyone who just completely hates music? I know I don't so that is something that's a talent that most people dream of having. Another thing is it's awesome to be as smart as you are of course in conversation it can seem intimidating and condescending but there's no reason why you can't understand it mentally and use it as a conduit to allow your internal confidence to reverberate through you physically. Something else is you should never allow yourself to be afraid of rejection, it's not nearly as bad as you make it out to be even if you feel as though it makes you feel uncomfortable. That's perfectly ok, if you don't get past the initial difficulty you won't put yourself in the opportunities past which are far more enjoyable. As far as rejection goes in it's own right we as intelligent people tend to assimilate failures and mistakes being obstacles instead of what they are, springboards for a learning opportunity. So when you feel the nervousness and anxiety, ignore it. If you can't do it anyway doing small things like this well help you build your confidence. But you also have to take into account that all the knowledge and experience in the world would be useless if it just stayed in the mind of who discovered it. Keeping things like this inside with no intention or action to use it prevents us from growing. Good luck!
Stanley

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by taylor

Hey Derek did you ever end up making an action plan for this?

Nope, have made exactly zero progress. Sorry for temporarily vanishing, I started a new full time summer job at a Fortune 500 company's global headquarters, so needless to say I've been exceptionally busy. But no, despite the vast expanse of advice offered to me thus far in this thread, I have not made any headway in overcoming my problems. I just can't break through the barrier, can't take that next step. I've basically given up all hope at this point.

[Sammino]

I say turn your frustration into strength and become a bad ass.

It will make you feel different about yourself.
do not cause harm to people or the environment but be assertive, clear in what you want, and have zero care of what anyone think of you, it's their problem to deal with not yours.

be the boss of your reality.

[Wolfie]

Being comfortable will naturally give you confidence. Take baby steps. Go to the mall and just walk around saying hello to women. You have to let go sometimes and just say screw it. Show some balls and you'll fare okay.

[linviolin]

Ah so DerekB you are busy with your summer job, that explains why you haven't replied the messages I sent you. Good on ya

Take this job as a new experience! It would open new doors for you, and quite possibly, new ways of approaching and talking to women. (I'm thinking casual after work conversations, coffee, things like that.)

Good luck on your quest!

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by Wolfie

Being comfortable will naturally give you confidence. Take baby steps. Go to the mall and just walk around saying hello to women. You have to let go sometimes and just say screw it. Show some balls and you'll fare okay.

I just can't say "screw it". I know eighteen of you just jumped up in your seats ready to write "LIMITING BELIEF!!!"' and to be fair you'd be right. Having said that, I've never been able to let go. Even when I'm joking around with people (I've been told I'm very funny) or having casual conversation with people, I always feel very serious. I just haven't every really been able to "let loose". I know where it stems from. I was overweight growing up, and was made fun of occasionally, so whenever I was around other kids I was extremely self conscious. When my parents used to force me to go to school dances in middle school they were among the most uncomfortable times of my life. I've slimmed down a bit (having said that, I'm 215 and could stand to drop 20+ pounds, my body fat percentage puts me right on the highest part of what's considered the normal range) but my self-consciousness most certainly hasn't. Since I didn't have the looks, I resolved to have the brains, and so I became the serious intellectual business student. Ironically enough, despite my intelligence (99th percentile on the SATs and perfect math score on the MCAS) I've never had a particularly good GPA in school, finishing high school with a 3.3, and I currently have a B- ( a 2.7, it disgusts me to think about it, though it was partially because I got my weakest classes out of the way first year, like calculus, information technology, and accounting) in college after freshman year, because I can't focus at all during class. Primary distraction: daydreaming about girls. Amount of class time spent daydreaming about girls: the majority. So you see, if I can't resolve my problems with girls and dating soon, it will continue to cause me problems outside of the romantic/sexual (i.e. currently nonexistent) aspects of my life, and in all likelihood hinder my success after college.

[Sammino]

Originally Posted by DerekB

I just can't say "screw it". I know eighteen of you just jumped up in your seats ready to write "LIMITING BELIEF!!!"' and to be fair you'd be right. Having said that, I've never been able to let go. Even when I'm joking around with people (I've been told I'm very funny) or having casual conversation with people, I always feel very serious. I just haven't every really been able to "let loose". I know where it stems from. I was overweight growing up, and was made fun of occasionally, so whenever I was around other kids I was extremely self conscious. When my parents used to force me to go to school dances in middle school they were among the most uncomfortable times of my life. I've slimmed down a bit (having said that, I'm 215 and could stand to drop 20+ pounds, my body fat percentage puts me right on the highest part of what's considered the normal range) but my self-consciousness most certainly hasn't. Since I didn't have the looks, I resolved to have the brains, and so I became the serious intellectual business student. Ironically enough, despite my intelligence (99th percentile on the SATs and perfect math score on the MCAS) I've never had a particularly good GPA in school, finishing high school with a 3.3, and I currently have a B- ( a 2.7, it disgusts me to think about it, though it was partially because I got my weakest classes out of the way first year, like calculus, information technology, and accounting) in college after freshman year, because I can't focus at all during class. Primary distraction: daydreaming about girls. Amount of class time spent daydreaming about girls: the majority. So you see, if I can't resolve my problems with girls and dating soon, it will continue to cause me problems outside of the romantic/sexual (i.e. currently nonexistent) aspects of my life, and in all likelihood hinder my success after college.

Get yourself a serious girlfriend who loves math and business studies. she would be fascinated with your brains. she will teach you step by step about females, what they like/dislike..etc
I think this will save you, it will give you a kick start in the dating world at least.
don't hesitate to ask a nerdy girl in your class out. many of them turn to be real hotties when they're out of their shells.
go ahead man. you don't have to be "let loose". just own your seriousness and be happy about it for now.
do not give a damn what people think of you. get out of your head and be brave enough to ask a girl in your class out, one who does not intimidate you much.

Good luck

[ShoeDiva]

Just talk to girls, be interested in what they say and eventually you will get more comfortable

[DerekB]

Originally Posted by ShoeDiva

Just talk to girls, be interested in what they say and eventually you will get more comfortable

I already talk to girls, and am already interested in what they say. It doesn't make me more comfortable.