Dealing with the end of a relationship?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Some of you may remember my post titled "How can I do better?" Here we go again, another long post...

The relationship I was asking for advice on has ended and in a very painful way. I am now trying to figure out how to cope and thrive in the face of something that has made me feel very betrayed and empty. I had told him that I would give him some space if needed. He sent many mixed signals calling me and having good talks and then telling me he needed that space after we had made plans. He told me he wanted to break up on Saturday night. By Monday I discovered that he has been spending a great deal of time talking to someone else and I suspected the worst. My suspicions were confirmed. They were actually worse than I thought. The "other woman" if she can even be considered such is underage (we are in our twenties). He has said it is not what I think, but others have told me of pretty compelling evidence to the contrary. In my heart I know he's lying to me as I can see it when he talks to me. At the same time I did not want our relationship to end on a sour note and us become enemies. I told him (when all I had was suspicion) that I would like it if we could be friends and if he needed anyone to talk to that I would be there. He told me he would like that and asked if he could have a hug; I hesitated but agreed. He mentioned what a difficult time he was having (lost his job due to this - he had told me he quit, mother and brother were "kicking him when he's down"). I could see he was having a hard time. Now I know what he has done and I feel very betrayed. Still, I love him. I want him to be happy. I know how he is and right now I know he feels everyone is against him (I cannot say I blame them, please know I DO NOT condone what he has done - though no one has caught them "in the act").

There are things I have told myself. I believe he does feel for me and that the reason he's keeping the truth hidden from me is that he knows full well that what he is doing is wrong and he cares at least on some level about my feelings. I know he was very frustrated about my jealousy and insecurity. While I know there is no excuse for his behavior, I can see where he thinks he is justified. I also think he is lying to himself a little because he has always been very harsh on people who daly with underage people. In short, I feel like he is grasping at staws here, confused, angry and generally messed up. I have not spoken to him since I was made aware of the full extent of the situation. On Tuesday he said he wanted to come mow the yard for me this weekend if it was okay. I told him I would appreciate it. We haven't spoken since.

After this long post, if you've made it this far, what I need is some insight from people who have been in this or a similar situation (though I hope not exactly like this). I feel so empty and at the same time so full of anger and despair at losing my first love (I waited until I was 25 to be with anyone). I also worry for him because while I don't think he "should" be with me (if he should be/could be, he would - he's doing the best he knows how at the moment) I do think what he is doing is ultimately self destructive. I want to be there for him as all of this ineveitably comes crashing down around him, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. Most of his stuff is still at my house and he has nowhere to put it since he's crashing with a friend (and his new girlfriend lives with her mommy and daddy - I am not without bitterness). Where is the line where I can love him and want the best for him, even be a listening ear and not at the same time lose my self-respect and dignity. I have suspicion that one day he will regret all of this since I know I am a good and faithful companion, though I have my own insecurities to work through. I have always been there when he needed me. I don't want to slam the door in his face, but I don't want to be walked all over either. I suppose there is no point in trying to get him to admit what he's at, but what would be the best course? I do want him to remove all of his stuff from my house as it's just taunting me and a constant reminder of what he's done and how I've lost.

I know this is all jumbled. I will clarify if it will help. I have seen so many people give wonderful advice on this forum. I am eager to learn from the wisdom of others. FYI, I have been reading Steve's blogs as well as Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is a deep struggle for me right now as I vascilate between almost hating him and knowing that's not true. I still love him with all my heart and want the best for him even if that's not me. But it still hurts like hell. And the PD stuff helps while I am reading it, but if I sit for even a minute without something to occupy me, I sink into negative thoughts again. In addition, I have felt nauseous and weak for the past few days due to all the emotion and stress I have been dealing with. Help me sages!

[Angela]

I read your whole post, all the while thinking about the questions Byron Katie asks about thoughts, and then at the end, it turns out you're drawn in that direction, too!

I would like to invite you to go through your post and ask the four questions about each of your beliefs, particularly since you were headed down that road already. The process might help you let go of all your story and let this guy go, with lots of love.

As far as him taking advantage of you, well, I guess you know he can only do that if you give him permission to. Maybe you'd like to give him permission to take advantage of you, which is fine. If not, how about letting him know that in order to let him go, you have to let his stuff go? Give him a reasonable deadline, say, one week, and let him know that if his stuff is still at your place, you have a date with Goodwill at noon on Deadline Day. Tell him that if he doesn't act to pick up his things, he can be glad to know they'll be going to a good cause. (but you take the tax deduction )

Let us know how things go.

Love,
Angela

[Lychee]

You have a healthy idea of what you should be doing and where you are right now despite the drama which is going on. You respect him and want the best for him but you know what you are worth.

We have different faults to correct. He may indeed regret the way that he treated you and he may know that he is not in the best of positions right now. And you know you have your insecurities to work on. If you feel empty, fill yourself with love for yourself. You were fine before you guys started dating and with every trial there is ease. This will pass and you will come to a point where you will appreciate this experience. Keep this in mind. Though you may be feeling empty inside, this is not an experience empty of wisdom or guidance.

I think you need to clarify some things for yourself now. Spending time alone to really question where you stand on your insecurities, what progress you've made in general, and some thought on what you want in a relationship may help clear the fog. I try to advise people to look at every situation objectively. If you were watching a TV show in which this was happening, or if your friend were going through the same thing you are now, what would you tell this person? I think deep down we really know the answer to our questions, or at least we have some idea of what we should do.

I think the deadline idea is good. You have to move on with your life. Setting a date decisively also is a signal to yourself that you want to move on and maybe it can help you ease into the idea of your own independence of the relationship.

[earlybird]

This may not be very helpful, but if you want someone going through a similar thing; I'm right here! My girlfriend, after much time of me trying to repair the relationship that, basically, she was destroying, broke up with me in a particularly cruel set of events.

Right now, my feelings are that I must spend my time tending to myself. If you are hurt and empty, it is better not to be thinking of helping someone else. How can you help someone else to feel better if you do not yourself? In this life, IMO, you come first.

I also strongly agree with the possessions. You need him out of your life for the time you take to heal. For stronger people it takes less time. If you have insecurities he will have to understand it will take you more time. "Needing space" sounds cliche, but it is a saying for a reason!

Go out with friends, do whatever hobbies you have, focus on enjoying yourself. When you feel you are in a better place (preferably the one before the relationship begun, if you can remember back that far) then you can summon the strength to help him. You say he is angry, confused etc. Well so are you. A lot (not all) of females are very good at putting their partners or close friends before themselves and it is more often than not a mistake.
After all, you are probably feeling as bad, if not worse than him, yet you are not acting in the way that he is. It seems that you have your head screwed on and that deep down, you know you have been a strong person here. I admire the quality that you will not jump to ruin his life after this.

Time is a healer working for us both right now.
Sean.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I thank all of you for taking the time to respond, each with a great deal of compassion and wisdom. I am still taking in everything you have said and just wanted to send a note of appreciation.

I spoke to him last night (he called when he got out of work). He was chit chatting as if nothing was wrong and I admit I got upset. I didn't yell or anything, but I said it's hard for me to just talk like this as if nothing is wrong. You have not told me the truth and you broke up with me and now are acting as if we are buddies who didn't just go through this painful ordeal. I also asked him when he would be able to come get his stuff. He seemed shocked that I would ask this of him and said he would let me go since it seemed I didn't want to talk to him. He got really quiet and said if I wanted them to get the stuff out they would. His brother who also has some things stored at my house called back and was trying to talk to me, but we were cut off and I never heard back. I immediately felt a twinge of regret that I didn't just talk to him. I want to be strong enough to be the friend I told him I could be, but I am angry and in pain at what he's done. How do I reconcile the two? Some of your words are helping me to see I just have to chose to be loving. Fake it till I make it maybe?

@LoveWisdom - you had some very helpful things to say. It seems I am in an internal war, with one side of me wishing to just take the relationship for what it is and release him with love and one side of me wanting him to really understand how badly I feel right now. But I know he cannot understand. Or he does and maybe doesn't know what to do about it. I know that I want exclusivity in a romantic relationship. If this is not something he wants, I wouldn't want this type of relationship anyway as I would never feel comfortable. I guess right now I just feel he took all the love and attention I was pouring into him and gave it to someone else. I am very hurt, but at the same time I love him...he did the worst I could imagine and I still love him.

@Lychee - you had great insight as well. My brother told me something similar in that he said I should think of how I would counsel a friend in the same situation. I will take your words to heart as well.

@earlybird - I am sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Although I do not know exactly what you are going through I can sympathize with your hurt. I will take your advice on taking care of myself. It's true I generally put his needs before mine throughout our relationship, and happily so, but it has taken it's toll on my wellbeing. I don't want to be vindictive at all (I won't burn his clothes or anything if he doesn't pick them up in time ). Best wishes to you in your situation. I hope we can both find the peace we seek.

@Angela - a very good friend of mine shares your name and you remind me of her. Very gently showing me how things are while giving me something to smile about with your humor. Thank you.

I welcome any more wisdom as I try to come to terms with the person I am trying to be in this situation.

[Lychee]

You said that he was talking to you like nothing happened and that you explained to him that you were still upset about it. Asking when when he wanted to take his stuff back was a good thing. He didn't expect it, did he? He might have thought that you were cool with the breaking up and keeping his stuff at your place was fine. I think that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too: he wanted to be able to go out with that new girl, but he wanted to keep you in some sort of relationship with him so that he could decide for himself which situation is best. But it doesn't work that way. Enforce your stance - you have already took a stand by telling him to get his stuff.

You will feel some regret in not helping him because you care about him and your heart is attached to him. But he has ended that kind of attachment with you. Being a friend to him is important, but being a friend to yourself is even more important and at this point in time, you deserve some time off. I really think ending contact with him for a while, or limiting contact with him, will help bring some things into perspective for you and for him as well, though you know best.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You are right, Lychee. He really expected that I would continue to do anything and everything for him though he wanted to be free. I am glad I said what I did, becuase I think it woke him up a little that I wasn't just sitting here hoping he'd come back. I do miss him and wish we could be together, but I know what I will and will not accept in a relationship and I want to be true to that. So, while I do still love him, we cannot be partners in the romantic sense. I do still care, and would do what I could to be a listening ear or help him so far as it doesn't compromise my standards. I have not heard from him since then, and I have struggled, but been SUCCESSFUL in not calling him. Tonight I will begin to pack his stuff in boxes and reclaim my space for the next step in my journey. I am trying to help myself so that I can be whole. And if at some point in the future we should come back together or forge a friendship, I will be in the right frame of mind for it. I miss him greatly and still have questions left unanswered, but I am trying. Thanks for your response!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't know if anyone is still checking in on this thread, but I just wanted to update it. He called me last night and we talked for probably 10-15 minutes. I tried to remember my wish to be a friend, so I spoke to him nicely and he asked me a little about my work and our pets, etc. I talked to him about his job and we both agreed things are hard right now. He said he missed me and I replied in kind. He asked if he could come see the pets this weekend and I agreed. He said he would try to get his stuff from my house by the end of the month. I didn't venture into any quesitons about what happened to end our relationship, merely took the converstation for what it was. I felt good to have spoken to him without anger in my head. I felt that I am letting go of the need to know what happened. I know enough to know this is the right course, any more information will only serve to hurt me more. Now we must move on to the next chapter. I have hope that we can be at least friends in some sense, letting the hard feelings die though probably not great friends who spend tons of time together unless some things change.

Also, he asked to borrow some money until he gets paid and even though it was very hard I told him that I could not. It was painful becuase I know he is struggling right now, but his struggles are of his own making.

I think that's about it. Thanks for reading.

[JHL]

Hey aspiring, I just wanted to say that I think you have handled this painful time with incredible grace. You have been brave, kept your head held high even there I'm sure there there have been moments of despair when you felt broken.

I'm not psychic nor do I have any supernatural gifts (apart from my penchant of matching shoes and socks that are impossibly wrong for each other) but I read in your words a certain...light. You shine.

Take care of yourself

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you JHL. As always your words are so encouraging.

It is a struggle some days more than others (the word broken is exactly the word I would use to describe my feelings), but I am looking for the lesson and the opportunity to show love with each interaction. I appreciate your taking the time to write.

[Noir]

wow. our situations seem so similar.
He used to ask to borrow money from me too.
I just had to say no, because yes, they were of his own making

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Maybe we were seeing the same guy!

It's so hard because I would have done it a few days ago (I always tried to do anything I could for him - even to the point of things I would rather not), but I want to draw a line between the relationship we had before and the one we have now.

He can't have everything he had before with none of the committment. I'm just not built like that!

Hope you're doing well.

[Jay Bee]

Hey aspiring

I have no words of wisdom for you only that one day you will be over this and will look back with wonder at how far you have come.

As for the being "friends" only thing, well in my opinion it is a very difficult thing to do if you still love the other person and feel betrayed. It's probably easier if you have made a mutual decision to call it quits. Maybe in a few months or years you will be detached enough to do this, but at the moment while you are still hurting I think it's practically impossible to do this without hurting YOU. It seems you are a really nice, kind person who hopes he will one day see the light and realise what he has missed in being in a relationship with you and maybe come back to you.........

So in the meantime, take the time to love yourself FIRST, put yourself FIRST, do all those self love things for YOU. Most of all be kind and gentle to aspiring.........and you know if one day you have moved on far enough, you will know that you really can do so much better for yourself and be with somebody who is committed to you 100%. I know for myself it took me a long time to get over my last heartbreak, but now I KNOW for sure if that person were to contact me again I would be able to be civil enough to have a pure friendship, happy if he had somebody else.......you cannot just turn love on and off like a tap, so allow yourself to keep on loving him but with detachment.......he will always have a special place in your heart but the biggest love place in your heart should primarily be about you.....

Barb

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Barb. I definitely see where you are coming from.

An additional aspect that makes all of this a little more difficult is that I was close to his family long before he and I got together. In fact, I am helping his mom with an event this weekend. When we spoke the other day I mentioned that I was going and asked if it would bother him. He very kindly said that I was part of their family before all this and should continue as such.

I am starting to finally get a hold of the thought that the way he is at this time is not the character of a guy I want to give my heart to, though I still love him very much (it's painful to see so much potential and light in someone that they ignore or push down). It is much less tempting to get back together with someone who has shown me I can't trust them. Every day that passes makes me a little safer where my heart is concerned because I see more and more that there were things that weren't working for either of us in the relationship. That is why I think we might be able to be friends, but for now I am not establishing contact. If he calls (which is infrequent) I have polite conversation and remember the reasons we broke up and the wish I have to be able to respect myself for my actions as a result.

Thanks for taking the time to write. I tend to ramble on in these posts, but it's nice to know that people out there are so caring. I will try to take good care of myself. Best to you as well.

[Jay Bee]

Take care Aspiring

It's a very painful place to be where you are right now. I won't give you all those b****y homilies like "Time is a great healer" and all that stuff LOL!! But it really is........

I don't know if you are aware of Abraham but this is what they say:

It's ever so much more satisfying to get into a blissful place and attract a blissful person and live blissfully hereafter than to be in a negative place and attract a negative partner and then try to get happy from that negative place.

If you have the time and the inclination go visit:

Abraham-Hicks

Barb

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Jay bee. The quote you posted resonates so much with me - I was trying to get happy from a very negative place. It was hard as hell and wasn't working out very well! I will check out that link when I have a chance. It is painful, but I am truly interested in making it a learning, growing, health enhancing experience. I appreciate all of you here who are assisting me on the path. Thanks again.

[cbreeze]

Aspiring, gawd, can I relate. I spent the whole week right where I am, in bed on net seaching for uplifting words that made sense, but the pain in my stomach from anger and hurt was there 24/7 and if it weren't for xanax... i don't eat, don't go out, I'm stuck in this pain of betrayal and death of a loved one I trusted/wanted to spend my life with/moved in with/married and dumped. As furious as I am at myself for being taken in such a way, I'd give anything to hear his voice. I see it as LOA, because when I met him I was going through major insecurities, loss, turmoil and lied to myself about a lot and VOILA! I attracted the same vibration. Now, I have released him, and gotten over fantasies of revenge and even suing him for all the money I put into "us". He did say that he was selfish and had a sense of entitlement but I was in lust/love, who cared? But now, the anger and lonliness has made me so sick that it's no longe worth it. I know I'll never get closure nor an explanation as to why, but, I'm sure there was another. I'm really sorry for what you're going through and know that in time, and other distractions, you'll heal. Get better... IMT's

[NotesMaeve]

Well, my ex was cheating, lying, and doing all sorts of nasty things. What I did:

Met a hot older man.

Had crazy fun.

Worked like a dog.

Got a raise.

Found super new apartment with FREE EGGS.

Oh, and the ex bought me 24 roses, candy, and expensive wine and begged me to come back. Why? Knowing you're worth it attracts certain behavior.

Great healer? Fantastic sex, money, and the milk of human kindness.

[healthymind]

No sage-like wisdom from me. It took me a year of just going solo to get over it then I met a really hot guy 12 years younger and we had fantastic sex all night. Never saw him again but it taught me there was much better out there than what I was crying over losing. In fact it made me realise just how low I had gone in my last relationship.

In the moment it hurts like hell and the hellish part is the confusion you described, both wanting him back and wanting to him to go to hell. But evetually the veil does lift and you realise in time that it was no great loss. In fact it was the best thing ever to break up.

Hang in there.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Some of you may remember my post titled "How can I do better?" Here we go again, another long post...

The relationship I was asking for advice on has ended and in a very painful way. I am now trying to figure out how to cope and thrive in the face of something that has made me feel very betrayed and empty. I had told him that I would give him some space if needed. He sent many mixed signals calling me and having good talks and then telling me he needed that space after we had made plans. He told me he wanted to break up on Saturday night. By Monday I discovered that he has been spending a great deal of time talking to someone else and I suspected the worst. My suspicions were confirmed. They were actually worse than I thought. The "other woman" if she can even be considered such is underage (we are in our twenties). He has said it is not what I think, but others have told me of pretty compelling evidence to the contrary. In my heart I know he's lying to me as I can see it when he talks to me. At the same time I did not want our relationship to end on a sour note and us become enemies. I told him (when all I had was suspicion) that I would like it if we could be friends and if he needed anyone to talk to that I would be there. He told me he would like that and asked if he could have a hug; I hesitated but agreed. He mentioned what a difficult time he was having (lost his job due to this - he had told me he quit, mother and brother were "kicking him when he's down"). I could see he was having a hard time. Now I know what he has done and I feel very betrayed. Still, I love him. I want him to be happy. I know how he is and right now I know he feels everyone is against him (I cannot say I blame them, please know I DO NOT condone what he has done - though no one has caught them "in the act").

There are things I have told myself. I believe he does feel for me and that the reason he's keeping the truth hidden from me is that he knows full well that what he is doing is wrong and he cares at least on some level about my feelings. I know he was very frustrated about my jealousy and insecurity. While I know there is no excuse for his behavior, I can see where he thinks he is justified. I also think he is lying to himself a little because he has always been very harsh on people who daly with underage people. In short, I feel like he is grasping at staws here, confused, angry and generally messed up. I have not spoken to him since I was made aware of the full extent of the situation. On Tuesday he said he wanted to come mow the yard for me this weekend if it was okay. I told him I would appreciate it. We haven't spoken since.

After this long post, if you've made it this far, what I need is some insight from people who have been in this or a similar situation (though I hope not exactly like this). I feel so empty and at the same time so full of anger and despair at losing my first love (I waited until I was 25 to be with anyone). I also worry for him because while I don't think he "should" be with me (if he should be/could be, he would - he's doing the best he knows how at the moment) I do think what he is doing is ultimately self destructive. I want to be there for him as all of this ineveitably comes crashing down around him, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. Most of his stuff is still at my house and he has nowhere to put it since he's crashing with a friend (and his new girlfriend lives with her mommy and daddy - I am not without bitterness). Where is the line where I can love him and want the best for him, even be a listening ear and not at the same time lose my self-respect and dignity. I have suspicion that one day he will regret all of this since I know I am a good and faithful companion, though I have my own insecurities to work through. I have always been there when he needed me. I don't want to slam the door in his face, but I don't want to be walked all over either. I suppose there is no point in trying to get him to admit what he's at, but what would be the best course? I do want him to remove all of his stuff from my house as it's just taunting me and a constant reminder of what he's done and how I've lost.

I know this is all jumbled. I will clarify if it will help. I have seen so many people give wonderful advice on this forum. I am eager to learn from the wisdom of others. FYI, I have been reading Steve's blogs as well as Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is a deep struggle for me right now as I vascilate between almost hating him and knowing that's not true. I still love him with all my heart and want the best for him even if that's not me. But it still hurts like hell. And the PD stuff helps while I am reading it, but if I sit for even a minute without something to occupy me, I sink into negative thoughts again. In addition, I have felt nauseous and weak for the past few days due to all the emotion and stress I have been dealing with. Help me sages!

[MmeIntentional]

Hi

I know I came a tad late but I'm really happy & grateful for this thread

When I want something all I have to do is think about it and forget it. The nano second that I start writing I'm so happy now .... about the same thing that I want. I feel as if I'm pushing it away, even if I try and feel the feelings.

Writing a gratitude list for the day is different as it get you think more positive and order for more to come in.

I'm having mega problems detaching from man right nowbut I have the odd day when I say to my self oh F it it's not going to happen now is it or I've become wacko over this and get mad and let it go. This guy also is finding it difficult to detach but nothing is flowing but we both want it too (very puzzled)
Guess what happens.... yes and days after too.

So now coming into that F it mood with it I feel that I hgave a better chance of getting what I want or what is best suited for time.

Your stories ... I can relate to them all But more than anything I already knew this but needed to to hear other people's stories esp. today. This means a lot to me right this second , so I thank you all