Age gap relationships

[nietsdoen]

I'm curious to hear opinions from people here about this..

When do you draw the line?

Is a 70 year old woman with a 35 year old man okay?

Is a 50 year old man with a 25 year old woman okay?

Is a 40 year old woman with a 20 year old man okay?

Is a 30 year old man with a 15 year old woman okay? (I know what the answer from most will be on this, so: Is it because she's legally not an adult? What if she's fully grown physically? Does the legal age of 18 really make any real difference besides to remove all legal risk?)

Is a 20 year old woman with a 10 year old boy okay? (lol)

Anyway, do any of you have experience on this matter that's shaped your beliefs? I do, but I won't bother unless someone asks.

[Le Roi]

In other people, I don't care as long as they are of legal age. There can be 50-60 years difference, I don't mind. I think a 15 year old is fine with a 30 year old man. It's legal to do so in France (actually, technically 15 years and 3 month old is the legal age for relationships).

In the US I wouldn't want anyone I know over 22 involved with someone under the age of 18 as it's a legal nightmare in the US. However, if it wasn't for those restrictive puritan laws, I wouldn't mind, and I think it's better to pair up an experienced person and an inexperienced person rather than having two inexperienced person have a go at it.

For myself, it purely depends to what I feel attracted.

[Indiana]

Well, I guess it comes down to the individuals and where they are at in their own lives.

My partner is 12/13 years older than me. I'm 35, and I don't notice any intellectual or emotional gap in our ages.

However, I wouldn't have dated a 32/33 year old man when I was 20. I found guys that much older than me creepy back then.

I have a friend who is 26 and married to a man twice her age. They're a wonderful couple. Creepy is a word I simply could not apply to their relationship. It's not that she's overly mature - she's serious, but she's like most 26-year-olds - or that he's immature - he's been married before and has adult children, and he acts his age, 52, but they just have a beautiful meeting of minds (they are both very smart, and in the same profession).

So the answer is: It depends. (With the exception of minors.)

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by Indiana

So the answer is: It depends. (With the exception of minors.)

And this is purely the legal risk? Or would you not feel any different if hypothetically the age of consent was virtually removed?

[Le Roi]

BTW, We have a moderator of this forum who is in his 60s and is married to a woman in her late 20's. I've hung out with them a couple of times and I found them to be awesome.

[AngelPsychic444]

Originally Posted by nietsdoen

I'm curious to hear opinions from people here about this..

When do you draw the line?

Is a 70 year old woman with a 35 year old man okay?

Is a 50 year old man with a 25 year old woman okay?

Is a 40 year old woman with a 20 year old man okay?

Is a 30 year old man with a 15 year old woman okay? (I know what the answer from most will be on this, so: Is it because she's legally not an adult? What if she's fully grown physically? Does the legal age of 18 really make any real difference besides to remove all legal risk?)

Is a 20 year old woman with a 10 year old boy okay? (lol)

Anyway, do any of you have experience on this matter that's shaped your beliefs? I do, but I won't bother unless someone asks.

Maybe there is no line to draw... when there's true love involved.

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by AngelPsychic444

Maybe there is no line to draw... when there's true love involved.

This would be my opinion, yes. Of course, you can't prove that two people are truly in love from the outside, but if they're drawn enough to each other you might as well let it be.

[MysteryX]

Drawing a line is just having the mental get in the way. Meaningless.

[Moon Child]

In my opinion. +5/-5 is the gap for me. I am 23, I feel if I date anyone older or younger than that gap there will be severe maturity issues.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by nietsdoen

And this is purely the legal risk? Or would you not feel any different if hypothetically the age of consent was virtually removed?

Well, I mean, 'minor' differs from country to country - as I understand it, in the States it is 17 and under, in my country it is 15 and under. Personally, I think teenagers who are still at school are not fully capable of making totally adult, independent decisions at the level of someone in their 20s.

In almost all cases they are still under the care of adults in most areas of their life (living under their parents' roofs, under the supervision of adults at school and on school trips, etc). They do not really have the sense of personal responsibility that comes with taking care of yourself as an independent adult. So, yeah, a 14, or 15 or 16 or 17-year-old dating or in a sexual relationship with someone 5+ years older than themselves makes me uncomfortable.

[Elrond]

person1Age/person2Age + 7 = minimum age

[anniecooper]

my friends little brother, who is 16, is dating his bestfriends mom.
she's 34.
they've been "doing things" since he was 15.
and there nothing they can do, because he's 16 he can legally do whatever he wants... :|

[justhopingandsearching]

You know I can't help but think of that teacher (Mary Kay Letourneau, now Mary Kay Fualaau) who went to jail for sleeping with one of her students. After she was released they ended up getting married, and as far as I know, they are still married. So, maybe age differences (even underage ones) really don't matter in certain situations.

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by anniecooper

my friends little brother, who is 16, is dating his bestfriends mom.
she's 34.
they've been "doing things" since he was 15.
and there nothing they can do, because he's 16 he can legally do whatever he wants... :|

What's wrong with it?

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Well, I mean, 'minor' differs from country to country - as I understand it, in the States it is 17 and under, in my country it is 15 and under. Personally, I think teenagers who are still at school are not fully capable of making totally adult, independent decisions at the level of someone in their 20s.

In almost all cases they are still under the care of adults in most areas of their life (living under their parents' roofs, under the supervision of adults at school and on school trips, etc). They do not really have the sense of personal responsibility that comes with taking care of yourself as an independent adult. So, yeah, a 14, or 15 or 16 or 17-year-old dating or in a sexual relationship with someone 5+ years older than themselves makes me uncomfortable.

Some 27 year olds are still in their parents' care, but they're allowed to have sex.

Hell, some 40 year olds are still in their parents' care, and I'm not talking about people with mental or physical disabilities.

A sense of personal responsibility, when it comes to sex, is completely relative.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by nietsdoen

Some 27 year olds are still in their parents' care, but they're allowed to have sex.

Hell, some 40 year olds are still in their parents' care, and I'm not talking about people with mental or physical disabilities.

A sense of personal responsibility, when it comes to sex, is completely relative.

I think a 15-year-old is at a far different emotional and intellectual stage to a 27-year-old. And I think a 27-year-old is well and truly old enough to look after themselves and being at home indicates a level of social dysfunction, except in exceptional circumstances.

I'm speaking as a general rule. It may be that there are a very small percentage of 15 year olds who are physically, emotionally and intellectually mature enough to be involved with someone significantly older. But given that the vast majority aren't, I believe some kind of legal protection is necessary to prevent exploitation. Maybe that's unfair to the tiny minority. The best I can say is that it's only unfair for a couple of years.

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I think a 15-year-old is at a far different emotional and intellectual stage to a 27-year-old. And I think a 27-year-old is well and truly old enough to look after themselves and being at home indicates a level of social dysfunction, except in exceptional circumstances.

I'm speaking as a general rule. It may be that there are a very small percentage of 15 year olds who are physically, emotionally and intellectually mature enough to be involved with someone significantly older. But given that the vast majority aren't, I believe some kind of legal protection is necessary to prevent exploitation. Maybe that's unfair to the tiny minority. The best I can say is that it's only unfair for a couple of years.

Well, that's a good viewpoint, and I probably agree with you.

I'm not sure if I fit into the tiny minority, but I did have a relationship with a 29-30 year old when I was 16-17. We never had any problems with the age difference; we talked on the same level and could relate well. (The age of consent in my state is 16 as well so it was legal).

Even though it didn't work out with us (age difference wasn't a factor), I still defend these kinds of relationships vehemently because I believe that there are some circumstances where the intellectual, physical, and emotional maturities are compatible and the law should not interfere.

[st33med]

Age really doesn't make much of a difference to me. I was 18 when I had a fun online relationship with a brilliantly bubbly lady who was 31, which means she's 13 years older than me. I'm very mature for my age and aware as well, so I don't always fit in my age group (especially around here... it's all about loud parties, drinking [underage sometimes] and stuff. I don't jive with the raucous and loud group!)

I did get caught by my parents during that time and got in trouble. My teachers and everything were told and I was looked at funny by those who knew, even told a story and being sorta... picked on by my 'case manager' for special ed that she was as old as her and a full grown women. Sheesh. She was pretty cold at times too.

I'm not advocating underage sex here, cause most girls and boys below 16 do not know what they are doing with their bodies and are still developing.

[Anthoneee]

True love is bound by nothing.

[votoshka]

Well...I had a relationship with a guy who was 13 years younger than me (he was 21 and I was 34) and that was no big deal really (except he was closer in age to my older son than me lol). Although... Now I'm 37 I really can't imagine going out with a guy who's 50 even though the age gap is the same!

I honestly don't think it's a big deal if there's a fair age gap, although I admit that if I saw a couple where the guy was 35 and the woman 70, I probably would think it a little odd?! I remember seeing a couple like that in the paper once... and yeah... the woman looked like a typical little old lady, not like a 70 year old who was in great shape and physically youthful, so I guess, like many people, I find it hard to "get" that sort of relationship, when the couple are so physically different.

In Australia the legal age for sex is 16, so I'd see nothing wrong with a 16 year old and an older guy, but 15 is illegal so not good to go there lol. If you're 15, just wait a few months . Although when I was 15, 30 was positively ancient so I doubt I'd have ever gone out with a guy that old when I was so young!

Overall... I don't see much wrong with age gaps if the people are in love. I may need to get my head around couples where there's a vastly different age gap, but I don't have a big problem with it, as long as they're happy!

[joelr]

I dated a college girl for 1 year who was 18 when we started dating. Turned 19 after like 1 month. I was 19 years older. It was great fun, it really depends on the individuals. I did consider her mature compared to her friends and such. Was my favorite relationship.

I've been around lot's of young folks and there is a maturity thing that happens (moreso to women) around college age that usually isn't quite there before that. Meaning for me they would be too young.

But the age gap thing people talk about "what do you have in common" is silly.
That is sometimes true and sometimes it just isn't. I've dated many many women my age and up to 15 years older as well. One woman for example had sort of outgrown cool movies and spent all her time working in her yard and house on projects. Weekend days to see her I had to walk around with dirt in a wheelbarrell and lay rock steps down. We had nothing in common.
Nor do I want to start a family which has led to endless breakups or fizzle-out short relationships with people my age.
For a few years it was sort of back and forth between women my age and women in early 20's and there are ups/downs to each situation.

There are always exceptions and it works both ways but the point is an age gap is only a factor when it is.
It's not self acting. It's not a factor just by existing, there has to be incompatible factors in the personalities or attractions.

After the relationship ended my young ex GF, I think, ended up moving in with some dude, dropping school and doing the domestic wife thing. So she was legit, we just had other issues. Suks.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Elrond

person1Age/person2Age + 7 = minimum age

I think calculations like that are meaningless crap personally .

Originally Posted by anniecooper

my friends little brother, who is 16, is dating his bestfriends mom.
she's 34.
they've been "doing things" since he was 15.
and there nothing they can do, because he's 16 he can legally do whatever he wants... :|

And err... that just disturbs me... Umm not sure why...but it does. lol. And yeah, there are some 16 year old hotties out there (Yes, I like younger men LOLOL) but... your best friend's mum? That's just... I dunno...

I also think that, no matter how hot I found an 18 year old guy (or younger) I just wouldn't be able to bring myself to go out with him... He'd have to be 20+... so there's some psychological block there with me about going out with guys who are in their teens!

[taylor]

I don't think it matters too much if you're a normal person. Date who you're attracted to. The young and impressionable are quite vulnerable though, so I'm mostly glad for the age laws to curb that somewhat.

Was trying to think how low I'd go if laws didn't exist. Dating and hooking up are two different things as well, but I don't think I could date anyone under 17. I just can't imagine we'd be on the same wavelength yet. I'm in my twenties.

[Vitya]

there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but social conditioning is a powerful opposing force.

women have girlfriends, and their girlfriends have opinions that definitely influence the woman's view on an age gap relationship.

a buddy once told me that you have to befriend the girlfriends, and let them know that you're alright. of course, easier said than done.

[taylor]

This thread reminds me of An Education.

[nietsdoen]

Originally Posted by taylor

This thread reminds me of An Education.

Yeah, I love that movie. The story is eerily similar to my own.

Oddly enough, in real life, the woman Lynn Barber (movie's based off her memoir) didn't even love the man she was with. She just loved his glossy friends and rich life. lol.

[NoJobRob]

For me personally I prefer women who are mid twenties to early thirties. I don't like big gaps in age because it can be hard to relate in a lot of ways. +/-5 years is good for me, but when I'm older that may widen a bit.

As for the underage stuff, I don't think it's right for an older person to be with someone who's still in high school. If one is 19 and the other is 16 then whatever, but if it's a 25 year old with an underage person then I don't think that's okay. I find that a little creepy and perverted.

[pyrogen]

There is a guy at school who seems to like me. I think he may have a crush on me. He's 12 years my junior. All things considered (such as the fact that right now, I want a *woman*), I would have given it a chance, except that when I'm around him, I'm reminded of how insecure I was at that age, and the different emotional life stages we're in - even though we're career-wise at about the same place (I'm starting over, and he's starting from scratch). I'm always reassuring him and giving him pointers. An example of the age difference: he takes the critiques very much to heart, just like I did at that age; at 37, I just let them roll right off. He takes things personally and is very high strung - just like I was at 25.

And it's just too much of an "emotional age" difference for me. I don't feel like *I* could turn to *him*, I would feel like I would always be the one doing the reassuring, I feel like I'd have to tiptoe around his emotions, and I don't feel that we would be on equal footing... because of the age difference.

[shasah]

Society is who makes it right or wrong.

When I was 45, I went out to a bar and got picked up by a 25yr old. I felt so guilty about it. A combination of a one night stand and a younger guy had me kicking myself. And then I realized that I should feel good about it, how many 45 yr olds can pick up a young guy like that lol.

I am now in a relationship with a man that is 9 years younger than me. We don't even notice the difference anymore. I don't see it being an issue. It is in your own attitude and perspective. My BF has a 4 yr old son (BF is 38) and the only issue is people thinking I'm the boy's grandmother. But I don't let it bother me. May be an issue later in life, but at this time he just tells them "No, that's not my Nanny, that's my Miss Sue". We'll handle any issues that come up as they come up.

May I ask what brought the subject up for you?

[Vitya]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

And it's just too much of an "emotional age" difference for me. I don't feel like *I* could turn to *him*, I would feel like I would always be the one doing the reassuring, I feel like I'd have to tiptoe around his emotions, and I don't feel that we would be on equal footing... because of the age difference.

now that's an interesting perspective. makes a lot of sense.