Friends forget friends when in relationships

[Midwinter Mist]

Have you ever thought about how people often lose friends once those friends enter a relationship?

It's not something that happens to everybody, and it's no longer something that can really happen to me (at the moment) as I don't have a single (real) friend to my name anymore.

It's happened so many times over the years, though. Friends will vanish because they meet somebody, and in my case it's happened a lot with relatives that would be like my best friends. I remember, cousins and the like, spending so much time with me. We'd be really close, always looking for each other's company for what was literally years and years. Then, in a blink of an eye, they meet somebody and, almost instantaneously, you never hear from them again. God, I hate that. I'd try to arrange to hang out with them and make the effort, but it's useless, because they only want to give their time to their relationship, and they'd just continue to vanish more and more, as if they only ever used you to get them from A to B. I guess I find it harder, knowing that I don't have friends, and every person I was close to each stopped talking to me for the exact same reason - a relationship. I'd often try to go places with them, but it wouldn't happen. Sometimes you'd actually manage to plan something, but then they'd carry out the plan with just their partner before you get the chance with them (a weird situation I've experienced many times).

All of a sudden, a sister of mine is starting to disappear. In a split moment, she's out of sight and is not interested in anybody but the boyfriend. I know it happens, and I'm not against her being with somebody, but must people forget you? There's always this weird feeling in the air. You can actually feel their detachment fom you.

I was never like that. I'd mix everybody where I could. Although, now, I wouldn't be surprised if I allowed myself to forget everybody after they forgot me. I suppose they wouldn't even realise it. Ironically, though, if I met somebody, they'd probably start talking to me.

[scotthegeek]

I know the feeling all my friends are in relationships and I do get to spend sometime with them but I go months and I have to make the contact and they seem to have a lot of couple friends that stop by its like grand central station. I know they care but if I did not make the effort they would not miss me much I don't not if I want to be in a relationship but it dose seem that how people are when they get older.

I feel like Sy the photo guy from one hour photo with Robin Williams

Scott

[aelle]

Sounds like you feel abandonned by your friends and pretty hurt.
However, I feel that it's only natural that your social life shifts when you meet a new partner. You're getting to know the person that hopefully will become your next of kin, the new most important person in your life, of course you're going to spend a huge chunk of your time with them, thinking about them, talking about them.

During the honemoon phase, it's quite normal to be obsessed by your partner, despite your best intentions. My boy and I were recently talking about that with friends who were around when we met. The 2 of us thought we had been quite good at maintaining a good social life with other friends - turns out the friends in question had a completely perception of the events. Even though we tried to spend time with other people, we were visibly wrapped in one another.

The honeymoon isn't forever. Cut your friends some slack. Give them 6 months to a year and if they are true friends (same goes for family) they'll come back to you. In the meantime, be happy for them!

[Midwinter Mist]

Yeah, it can be tough to deal with. I do feel abandoned by them in many cases, though it often feels worse as I'm personally not managing to make many changes in my own life, so when everybody else moves forward, I feel quite left behind.

Problem is, is that some of them have been with people for years now and it hasn't changed. Sometimes I feel even worse, though, because they then make time for some other people, but not me. Kinda makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I remember a time when even my mom did it, although I'm happy for people to meet people, especially my mom. But, same thing, my own mother sort of drifted away from her own kids for a little while, not paying attention to a word we said. She'd sit there and say she was listening, while using a computer at the same time, but then I'd be the one to quiz her on the things I said, and she hadn't even heard a thing.

She, like some of the others, immediately start talking and listening again when the other person vanishes. I know it's just life, but it seems cold to me.

[anusha]

it used to happen to me quite a lot, at one point i gave up all my friends just for this one person i thought i loved so much, but when that did not work out.. i had noone to go to. AND my family isn't supportive of any such things. Basically we start prioritizing *love* over friendship . But as of now i love my friends and i love my lovers and i love my space. its all about how we start to balance things and not let things overlap.

[SeaRod]

I am actually the opposite. I am GLAD for my friends to be in relationships; that means they don't bug me as much, and are less needy to hang around me!

I love my space

[Bradshaw]

I can relate, in a way.

Me and my best friend both have significant others, and we see each other a lot. So in that sense, there is absolutely no issue.

Perhaps if we both had full-time jobs that would be different. There is a limited amount of time in each day.

However, I do not enjoy myself when a situation occurs where I feel like the "third wheel". I now actively refuse situations where the three of us are in the same room for more than 10 seconds.

For example, a month ago or so I went out with my friend and his girlfriend and my significant other couldn't come as she was busy with some other things.

Although there are conversations and so on, the value of the interaction for me is extremely reduced because attention is divided. Basically, we switch from discussing interesting topics to talking about stuff that is so mundane and boring that I just feel like going somewhere else.

[Mynder]

So, did all of your friends drift away from you, or did you drift away from them because, on some level, you changed?

Maybe you weren't left behind but simply walking into a different direction than them?

What do you like doing these days, and what ways do you do this and express yourself that gets you mingling with other people?

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Midwinter Mist

Have you ever thought about how people often lose friends once those friends enter a relationship?

It's not something that happens to everybody, and it's no longer something that can really happen to me (at the moment) as I don't have a single (real) friend to my name anymore.

It's happened so many times over the years, though. Friends will vanish because they meet somebody, and in my case it's happened a lot with relatives that would be like my best friends. I remember, cousins and the like, spending so much time with me. We'd be really close, always looking for each other's company for what was literally years and years. Then, in a blink of an eye, they meet somebody and, almost instantaneously, you never hear from them again. God, I hate that. I'd try to arrange to hang out with them and make the effort, but it's useless, because they only want to give their time to their relationship, and they'd just continue to vanish more and more, as if they only ever used you to get them from A to B. I guess I find it harder, knowing that I don't have friends, and every person I was close to each stopped talking to me for the exact same reason - a relationship. I'd often try to go places with them, but it wouldn't happen. Sometimes you'd actually manage to plan something, but then they'd carry out the plan with just their partner before you get the chance with them (a weird situation I've experienced many times).

All of a sudden, a sister of mine is starting to disappear. In a split moment, she's out of sight and is not interested in anybody but the boyfriend. I know it happens, and I'm not against her being with somebody, but must people forget you? There's always this weird feeling in the air. You can actually feel their detachment fom you.

I was never like that. I'd mix everybody where I could. Although, now, I wouldn't be surprised if I allowed myself to forget everybody after they forgot me. I suppose they wouldn't even realise it. Ironically, though, if I met somebody, they'd probably start talking to me.

Oh. My. God. I never thought about it this way.

This girl I wanted so badly... we spoke every night from before midnight to dawn for over a week. She initiated all the phone calls and drove our conversations. Suddenly, POOF! Never a phone call or e-mail again, unless I were to initiate it. Not that I neglected friends in that time, because I didn't really have any to neglect. I guess it was a sign, that she would devote so ******* much time to me in a period... that when she was no longer interested, she could completely change gears and forget about me immediately to devote her time just as hard to something or someone else. Meh. After that, she'd write back saying, "I wish I had time to reply to this. I really do. Thank you." And she'd end all phone calls within 15 to 30 minutes, with no indication of ever speaking to me again, because of... absolutely anything, it seemed.

I didn't even know her last name or have any way of contacting her but phone after that until I left her a voicemail telling her good-bye because I felt abandoned and needed to say it. She offered to add me on Facebook, which I thought was such a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ consolation, but it's our only means of communication now, which we don't even use. At least I get to see what she's up to.

The person I am currently dating said she had just gotten out of a primary relationship and was single.. she decided to be poly because she didn't like the way that monogamous relationships so often resulted in the desertion of friends. Then she told me that I was exactly what she was looking for in terms of just having a friend to spend time with... that added to my confusion against realizing she was interested in something beyond platonic.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

The person I am currently dating said she had just gotten out of a primary relationship and was single.. she decided to be poly because she didn't like the way that monogamous relationships so often resulted in the desertion of friends. Then she told me that I was exactly what she was looking for in terms of just having a friend to spend time with... that added to my confusion against realizing she was interested in something beyond platonic.

I think that this is an age/maturity thing, and also has to do with the dynamics of the relationship.

When I got married, I didn't drop off of the face of the earth. Actually, I ended up with even more friends (both single and married). However, my husband and I started off as members of the same social circle. We were very socially compatible and liked the same people, and we both enjoyed being around other people. We weren't jealous of each other's time or upset if the other person wanted to spend time with someone else. That made all the difference in the world.

Then again, queer relationships can have different dynamics - because women still often want to be friends with women, even if they also date women. My ex girlfriend and I found ourselves cut off from most of our other friends, without much volition toward doing so.

My partnered friends certainly haven't dropped off of the face of the earth. However, few of them work 9/5; I either know them through school or they're self-employed. There really are so many hours in the day.

I see my "taken" friends plenty, it's just more often during the week and in the context of a mutual activity, or it's in group settings where their partner is present. I know that I can't count on my "taken" friends for the weekends, but I need to find either other single friends or some "taken" of my own for that.

[NoJobRob]

I agree with pyrogen, it's a maturity thing. As I've gotten older I've stopped that whole being infatuated with someone to the point where I don't talk to or hang out with my friends anymore. When I'm in a relationship I still have BBQ's and stuff, and invite people over to hang out. I have been in relationships where she didn't like my friends, and that's a red flag for me because if she doesn't like my friends then what the hell does she like me for? I have a lot in common with my friends in terms of interests, personality, sense of humor, etc. LOL Guys pull that crap too but I see it less and less, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, it's just that the image that comes to my mind when I think of a controlling man is that kid's dad in the movie American Beauty, the 50-something abusive ex marine who beats his son and keeps his wife under his thumb, but those kinds of men are a dying breed IMO. It isn't the 1950's anymore.

Anyway back on topic, I think that in a healthy relationship both parties should be supportive of each other when it comes to hanging out with friends. There's no need to become hermits, unless you're both antisocial to begin with, then just do what makes you happy I guess.