Can you relate?

[LifeWork]

Today was weird. I woke up with a sense of relaxation and clarity, yet I was aware of my sense of incompleteness and need for rest and recuperation. I've read about shame recently and done some "work" on my past, and allowed myself to feel pain I was unable to feel before. I'm moving forward inwardly.

Some people stare, especially other young men about my age, and I become aware of my sense of shame inside. Their stare is trance -like, and seems completely unconscious, and predatory most of the time. They're in competition with me. They feel angry and confused to me.

I also hung out with an old friend today, and I nearly always feel uneasy with him, hypervigilant, yet he acts almost "normal" most of the time. Today I said something that made him react contemptuously and coldly, and I felt shamed and numb over it, without knowing why. My uneasiness disappeared after this and I saw I had been placating/compensating for his shame, for a long time. I don't blame the guy, or anyone who wants to shame me, but I understand my feelings have been there for reason. I've stopped myself from being.

There's a reason I feel uneasy with some people, because I sense they're feeling something but covering it up. I used to think it's just me being anxious. I've covered myself up similarly, so I understand the process and why it happens. It's just mind blowing how something can be there for years, yet I just never see it.

[taylor]

I can relate to some of that. Some people like to stare almost like everyone they encounter might jump them at any moment. I had a practice at one point of sending people love as I walked by. All of a sudden people started having reactions to me wherever I went. I realized that when I sent love I was staring people in the eye and smiling at them. The macho guys who like to stare you down were really confused by me smiling at them. Some of them relaxed and smiled back, others only got meaner, like my smile meant I wanted to fight.

I've also felt bad if someone reacts negatively to something I've done, of course. When I'm at my best though I don't take negative reactions seriously and sort of laugh them away. Hostility can be funny if you don't feel threatened by it or take ownership of it.

And I'm very familiar with people covering up emotions. Expressing what you feel is often socially unacceptable, so most people learn to be actors. It probably keeps things running smoothly. I have done it and still do it. It's better to be fake nice than really mean or critical imo.