When you get what you want, you don't want it anymore

[Kidman]

Hey,
I currently find myself in a very complicated situation.
I didn't really have a girlfriend up until now. I always thought these "relationships" you have when you were 13, 14, 15 were stupid so I didn't have any. Another thing was/is that I was really shy so it was too hard for me to communicate with girls. Then again the time came where I was interested in girls and wanted to have a girlfriend. I always thought it would be easy to find a girl you really really like and get together with her. I don't mean easy to find but easy to find out wether or not it's the right girl for you and wether or not you should be with her.

I thought I found that girl about 2 years ago but she wasn't sure what she wanted and of course I was the one who got hurt. And I couldn't possibly imagine how someone didn't know what they want. I thought if you like someone you just _know_ and you don't mess with them.

The problem now is that I'm in that kind of position where I don't know what I want. I met a girl and we're kind of dating. When we're together it's like we're a couple. She's really nice and all and I like her but I'm definitely not sure if that's enough to form a relationship with her. I don't want to raise her hopes or mess with her or upset her or do anything bad to her. I like being with her but I'm afraid I like it for the wrong reasons. And as I said I don't know if likeing someone is enough. But since I don't get that much dates I don't want to waste my time being alone. Now what should I do? Try it with her or hold out for the girl of my dreams to come along?

So there I am. I got what I wanted (a girlfriend) but it's not how I imagined it would be and I really don't know if it is what I want.

[Kamma]

I am guessing by your post that you are quite young. Do you want to date this girl? That's really the only question you need to answer. You do know that you don't have to - it is not essential. However, you don't have to wait for your dream girl in order to live your life and have fun. It doesn't always have to be so serious.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Girlfriends at our age (like the teen years) are very distracting, very immautre, and totally superficial (Most of the time, I know there are some exceptions out there)...so my advice to a fellow teen, don't bother.

[JHL]

Hi Kidman, you sound like a sensitive, thoughtful person. Which is good, because those are two qualities that people really appreciate in a partner.

With the relationship you have now, you dont feel all that passionately about her, and its left you wondering if its worth pursuing or if you should hold out for someone that really does do it for you. Its also important to you that whatever you decide that she doesnt get hurt in the process.

You sound like the kind of guy who doesnt enjoy flitting from one relationship to another. You like to have few but meaningful relationships - so I understand why its important to you to need to have certainty about this.

I think the most value I can add to you, is to say that whatever you do decide to do, just remain completely honest and open with your girlfriend. If you're not sure, then dont make any commitments to her. Dont mislead her and, as Kamma has advised, just have some fun with it for now. You dont have to decide right now what you want. People dont always know what they want, sometimes you have to have a bit of experience behind you before you can figure things out.

As long as you remain honest with her, there is no pressure on you to make a decision about things. If this doesnt work for her, she will let you know. In the meantime, being with her will help you figure out what you want, and dont want in your relationship. Perhaps your feelings for her will grow, perhaps not. In either case, this is great experience for you. Love is a great mystery to us all, nobody has all the answers. Try to relax and enjoy it.

[blueflame]

Well speaking from a teenage perspective, and also one who's been in that situation before, I wouldn't waste my time with someone unless I'm sure I really like them. Or, at least think about it and note the reaction. Don't force yourself into a relationship with someone you're not sure about because you simply want a relationship. Sometimes these situations can turn into something uglier than you expected. Also, you sound like you're getting more of a feel for what a girlfriend is really like, which is good. Give it some time, and it will be easier to know what you want.

[RT Wolf]

You have a key belief there, that when you find the right person, you just know and that you shouldn't mess with it. In my experience, that has been an inaccurate belief, because it prevents you from taking steps to make a relationship better because you sorta just believe that it'll automagically be awesome. Relationships require committment and work and improvement. Great relationships don't usually drop from the heavens.

I also changed the belief that there is just one person for me. I believe that there are many people who are compatible with me and I can build a strong relationship with any of them, provided the circumstances are right. It puts less pressure on me and the other person. This is a belief you might consider shifting for the future.

That said, if someone is not fulfilling your needs in a relationship, leave her and find someone else so that both of you can be happier. And don't think that leaving her will make her unhappy and that she's happy now. Being in a relationship who doesn't feel the same way about you is excruciating, and it forces you to constantly question your own self-worth and ask yourself if there's something wrong about you that the other person doesn't like you.

Adopt an abundance mentality. Abundance mindset is not limited to finances, but also to choices and people. Keep looking, you'll find the person that's the right match for you.

I'm sorry if that came out sounding harsh, its nothing personal I'm just in a harsh kinda mood right now.

I hope this helps.