Having trouble getting along with people.

[civileyes]

I'm gonna try and see if I can get some clarity on this issue from these forums, it's been so repetitive ...

I find I am continually in this cycle of being alone, wanting to be with people, reconnecting with others, getting let down, then prefering to be alone.

I find that once I keep to myself I eventually start hyping the idea of having friends, soon enough I'm having a great time with others. But it's just this inevitable thing... I feel so much that people simply cannot be trusted. Every time I find I've opened up to someone, it's only a matter of time before I'll find myself regretting it (it's happening much quicker these days).

People are complex creatures. They like to put fronts, play mind games, and test you.

I don't care for it. I am simply true to who I am 100% of the time. So when people try these things, they get a response- whether I say anything about it or not. I'm tired of being picked apart all the time. All this judgement from those who frankly aren't much once I forgo my usual universal acceptance and put them under scrutiny, gets me pretty angry... I just want to BE, but with people. The thing is, when I do confront them about it, they will lie. They'll just deny it.

It's the betrayal that really gets me... The Subjective Reality outlook would tell that those feelings are originating from myself, and others are just reacting to it. Pretty much that self-acceptance would be the solution.

The thing is, I do feel have accepted myself. Not only that, but sometimes I downright celebrate myself in my mind. Like I am the queen of my universe and all of that ... lol
Maybe there's still something in my perception that still puts me in the role of a victim. I'm just tired y'know? It's really draining to be on guard for an onslaught of subtle personal attacks all the time... It seriously is like "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"
I've cut ties with two close friends in the same week. It's frustrating.

[Bradshaw]

My friends aren't like that. You're allowing these people to be in your reality.

High quality people don't put fronts, play mind games and test you.

Perhaps consider finding new friends?

[Bradshaw]

Though I admit that I am familiar with the "onslaught of subtle personal attacks all the time".

That all came to an end when I stopped hanging around with the normal members of society and just started hanging around with high vibration folks.

[James81]

Originally Posted by civileyes

People are complex creatures. They like to put fronts, play mind games, and test you.

People are pretty malleable. If you lead the interactions you are in, you can pretty much create whatever experience you want with them. So, if you're finding them putting fronts on, playing mind games, and testing you, it probably means that you aren't willing to step up and lead the interactions in the way that you want to see them and are allowing them to choose the interaction for you. (i.e. Playing the victim)

And, you're right...outright calling them on their behavior will get the denial response. That's because a lot of the time, people aren't even aware that they are doing it. There's loads of unconscious stuff happening with people, and most people aren't aware of that. Most people have an image of themselves in their mind, and they don't see the details of what they do unless it fits that image.

In other words, become the generator of what you want to experience in your interactions with people. People will mirror what you do and they will see you as they are.

[civileyes]

[QUOTE=James81;853498]People are pretty malleable. If you lead the interactions you are in, you can pretty much create whatever experience you want with them. So, if you're finding them putting fronts on, playing mind games, and testing you, it probably means that you aren't willing to step up and lead the interactions in the way that you want to see them and are allowing them to choose the interaction for you. (i.e. Playing the victim)
/QUOTE]

Thanks for the replies. I think there is a lot of truth in what you are saying.
Particularly the quote above.


But I have a question about this though; I'd consider myself naturally a quiet and observant person, so I can understand that it could interpreted as not stepping up and leading interaction, because it pretty much isn't. So how is that someone who likes to just lay back and watch everything unfold be able to stay true to that while not being potentially victimized in the process?

Could be maybe I can't have it both ways with the people I know, and that I should meet new friends.

I just always get the idea from time to time that our culture really looks at introversion as weakness. Not a fair assessment the way I see it. Introversion is just wanting to see reality for what it is, not having to alter it or interfere with its structure all that much...

[James81]

Originally Posted by civileyes

Thanks for the replies. I think there is a lot of truth in what you are saying.
Particularly the quote above.


But I have a question about this though; I'd consider myself naturally a quiet and observant person, so I can understand that it could interpreted as not stepping up and leading interaction, because it pretty much isn't. So how is that someone who likes to just lay back and watch everything unfold be able to stay true to that while not being potentially victimized in the process?

Could be maybe I can't have it both ways with the people I know, and that I should meet new friends.

I just always get the idea from time to time that our culture really looks at introversion as weakness. Not a fair assessment the way I see it. Introversion is just wanting to see reality for what it is, not having to alter it or interfere with its structure all that much...

There's nothing wrong with wanting some "me-time" to recharge your batteries. But introversion is not shyness, quietness, etc. Introversion is really just knowing when you need to recharge and getting away to do so -- without outright pushing your social connections away to do so.

Give this book a read: Amazon.com: Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength (9781402211171): Laurie Helgoe Ph.D.: Books

I think you'll find it really helpful.

Another thought for you...

Are you really just naturally quiet? Or is that the excuse you hide behind to distance yourself from people?

For example, for the longest time I've been telling people that I communicate way better with my writing than I do speaking. It never dawned on me that I could be a totally awesome oral communicator if I wanted to. But I've been avoiding that because of the fear of anxiety, not because I'm naturally a better writer.

So, I've decided to do something about it.

Another example is there's a guy I know who said he used to tell himself that he is TERRIBLE with remembering names. Until he decided one day that he didn't want to be bad with remembering names. Now, he can remember everybody's name right after he meets them. It's really just a skill set.

I'd urge you to be careful telling yourself "I'm just naturally this way." That's not really, true, is it? You could BE something else if you really wanted to. It's just a matter of facing your fears and being the source of what you want in life. I have faith in ya, do you?

[civileyes]

Originally Posted by James81

There's nothing wrong with wanting some "me-time" to recharge your batteries. But introversion is not shyness, quietness, etc. Introversion is really just knowing when you need to recharge and getting away to do so -- without outright pushing your social connections away to do so.

Give this book a read: Amazon.com: Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength (9781402211171): Laurie Helgoe Ph.D.: Books

I think you'll find it really helpful.

Another thought for you...

Are you really just naturally quiet? Or is that the excuse you hide behind to distance yourself from people?

For example, for the longest time I've been telling people that I communicate way better with my writing than I do speaking. It never dawned on me that I could be a totally awesome oral communicator if I wanted to. But I've been avoiding that because of the fear of anxiety, not because I'm naturally a better writer.

So, I've decided to do something about it.

Another example is there's a guy I know who said he used to tell himself that he is TERRIBLE with remembering names. Until he decided one day that he didn't want to be bad with remembering names. Now, he can remember everybody's name right after he meets them. It's really just a skill set.

I'd urge you to be careful telling yourself "I'm just naturally this way." That's not really, true, is it? You could BE something else if you really wanted to. It's just a matter of facing your fears and being the source of what you want in life. I have faith in ya, do you?

Well you've got me thinking along the right track now, thanks! It is true a person can reinvent themselves in anyway they see fit. I think in a lot of ways the quietness may stem from some apprehension about what I may get back from socializing. Which isn't always the best impressions and sometimes a wounded ego... I have a tendency to take things very seriously, and I can be overly-sensitive. But it's just a point-of-view I've maintained, and it can be changed the moment I choose to...


Of course, I don't have these kinds of feelings about everyone, some get and appreciate my preference to just take it all in rather than interact, but I think it all goes back to people choosing the interaction for me, rather than me leading it myself. It's like whether or not I'll have a fulfilling connection or conversation depends a lot more on the other person. In those cases, they have a lot more control, and that just aint good. Can't be giving my power away.

Thanks for helping me look at this issue this way, and for the book recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out.

[Darika]

yes, very useful tips. and I can relate to the situation too.