how do you handle a loved one who quietly does acts of service ?

[BellyGirl]

I'm referring to my dad.

He just likes to do acts of service and quietly goes about doing them and never communicates.

When my laundry dries, he takes them down and fold them.

If I forget to hang laundry after the washing machine is done, he does them for me.

He cooks dinner. He washes dishes. He is like a self-made maid.

I would rather than he leave my stuff alone. Cos i think my laundry is my responsibility.

I don' tknow whether to get mad at him or to thank him.

I have told him to "leave my laundry alone, or just chuck them into a pail." but didn't work.

in my family, my parents do everything for me, auto-made all decisions for me, even my dinner. (They never asked me what i wanted to eat.) it has been a challenge to assert my adulthood.

REcently, i have decided to cook dinner for the family once in a while. i figured, this is the only way for me to have control over family dinner. as well as to make some changes to the family dynamics.

do you have a parent who just quietly do all the work? does he/she keep doing everything for you? A belief in Self-Sacrificial type Love? Living his/her life through children?

What can we do to make the relationship healthier? (I think it's unhealthy for my dad to keep doing this.)

[NoJobRob]

I think he does it because he cares. He sounds like a really nice person. Maybe try and do something for him that he wouldn't expect you to do, just to show him that you appreciate what he does for you. That's what I'd do anyway... No matter how old we get our parents will still want to parent us.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

What can we do to make the relationship healthier? (I think it's unhealthy for my dad to keep doing this.)

You could move out -- get your own place and begin your life as an adult, independent of your parents.

[pyrogen]

Sounds like a great guy. Why not do something unexpectedly nice for him sometime.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Sounds like a great guy. Why not do something unexpectedly nice for him sometime.

Another vote for this. Your dad's being nice to you, not repressing your adult autonomy. Once you move out of home and have to do absolutely everything for yourself, every day, you will definitely come to appreciate the small kindnesses that your dad used to do for you. So maybe give it try appreciating them now, when he's actually doing them.

[172]

Show your appreciation. He sounds like a great dad! Snuggle him sometimes. Give him a kiss on the cheek. Laugh with him...make him laugh. Spend time with him. Pick up a hoagie or his favorite sports news paper sometime . Watch a game with him. Show him he's your favorite. And, most of all, be grateful that you have such a wonderful father.

[bluestar]

Oh boy....send your lovely Dad round to my place! lol! I could use some of that.....
I know what you mean, you want more independence. The only real answer to that is going to live in your own place, on your own.

[Stargirl]

So sweet! I do understand you. I am blessed enough to be in a similar situation, but it IS really hard at the same time because it keeps you from doing things for yourself. I get it.

How old are you? It's honestly not too big a deal (I went to college and I adapted fast. Those skills/habits are not hard to develop at all.) And it sounds like you're guilty because he's doing all this. I think like others have mentioned parents enjoy caring for their kids (ideally). It's hard to get them to stop.

But since it is bugging you, maybe have a longer conversation with him and let him know how you feel. Set up a system in which you cook certain days of the week. And try to convince him about the laundry, or just get better at grabbing it before he does . That's a challenge for you .

[stormpsyche]

Its obvious what your Dad's love language is.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by 172

Show your appreciation. He sounds like a great dad! Snuggle him sometimes. Give him a kiss on the cheek. Laugh with him...make him laugh. Spend time with him. Pick up a hoagie or his favorite sports news paper sometime . Watch a game with him. Show him he's your favorite. And, most of all, be grateful that you have such a wonderful father.

Um, we are of "conservative" chinese ethnicity. We don't do "that western sort of thing".

Ok seriously, I know it is good to be affectionate and communicative. But my family is not like that. We don't even look at one another. We don't communicate. There's a lot of avoidance of eye contact. And we don't greet one another.

I do greet "Um... hi dad, hi mom", but it feels "unnatural".

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by stormpsyche

Its obvious what your Dad's love language is.

yup. i know. the guy i date right now has the same love language as my dad!

if i want a breakthrough in my romantic relationship, need to know how to deal with guys of such love language, most importantly the most important male person in my life, my dad.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Stargirl

So sweet! I do understand you. I am blessed enough to be in a similar situation, but it IS really hard at the same time because it keeps you from doing things for yourself. I get it.

How old are you? It's honestly not too big a deal (I went to college and I adapted fast. Those skills/habits are not hard to develop at all.) And it sounds like you're guilty because he's doing all this. I think like others have mentioned parents enjoy caring for their kids (ideally). It's hard to get them to stop.

But since it is bugging you, maybe have a longer conversation with him and let him know how you feel. Set up a system in which you cook certain days of the week. And try to convince him about the laundry, or just get better at grabbing it before he does . That's a challenge for you .

i'm 35 mostly independent. I have lived in total 10 years away from my parents, due to marriage, and later family conflict over my divorce. then my parents begged me to return home because "it is taboo for a woman to live outside alone, without parents or husband."

then my parents regressed back to my pre-marriage parenthood, doing my laundry and dishes. They still do my brother's laundry too.

i'm not so concerned abt how this affect my independence. i know i can be independent. i' more concerned about how this affects the relationship.

[pyrogen]

Since your family doesn't tend to be openly emotive and all, it sounds like this is your dad's way of showing that he cares.

[Marund]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Sounds like a great guy. Why not do something unexpectedly nice for him sometime.

I agree. Whoah. Do errands for him.....Take him to the movies or dinner. I wish i had a dad like that.

[ssandra]

Why do you think it is wrong for you dad to tell you "I love you?"

He does it in his own language, maybe it is a good idea to say it back sometimes? In his own language (meaning, doing something for him).

There is no right or wrong way to show love. Everyone has their own preferences.

Accept your dad as he is, love languages and all...

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Why do you think it is wrong for you dad to tell you "I love you?"

He does it in his own language, maybe it is a good idea to say it back sometimes? In his own language (meaning, doing something for him).

There is no right or wrong way to show love. Everyone has their own preferences.

Accept your dad as he is, love languages and all...

i guess the only things i can do are, to always express appreciation (say thank you to him)

and do my own acts of service => cook dinner more often. it's my way of loving my dad. i want to cook delicious healthy meals for him because of his health is failing.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

i guess the only things i can do are, to always express appreciation (say thank you to him)

and do my own acts of service => cook dinner more often. it's my way of loving my dad. i want to cook delicious healthy meals for him because of his health is failing.

Maybe he knows this. And you were gone for a while, so with you back, it's a way of reasserting the relationship. Appreciate him while he's there.

[Mynder]

**snipped**