polyamory and family

[Lauxa]

Hum hum, well, I wasn't expecting it but it looks as if I am setting out to explore the strange and beautiful world of polyamory. The thing is, my family and husband's family have Christian values and wouldn't approve. How do those of you involved in polyamorous situations deal with your families? Really it is none of their business, so my instinct is "don't ask, don't tell"...

[BillyTheAdult]

This is not a critique of you as you should do whatever the hell the hell you feel is right regardless of the opinions of others. That being said right after you say "don't ask don't tell" here you are telling a bunch of strangers, but you don't want to tell your family. Also if you already know your opinion why do you want to know the opinions of others as to what is correct.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

This is not a critique of you as you should do whatever the hell the hell you feel is right regardless of the opinions of others. That being said right after you say "don't ask don't tell" here you are telling a bunch of strangers, but you don't want to tell your family. Also if you already know your opinion why do you want to know the opinions of others as to what is correct.

Because it is lonely having no one to talk to about this. I would rather tell the strangers here because (1) they are not as important to me as my family so I don't care as much if I am judged here and (2) people here are likely to be more open minded than my family.

Plus, I think of this forum a bit like an extended family anyways.

[ssandra]

We do "don't ask, don't tell". But, we also don't have a formal poly relationship. If I were to love 2 people and be in a relationship with 2 people I don't know how I would explain that sometimes with Christmas I wouldn't be there....?

Just an open relationship and playmates however? They don't need to know. I'm not ashamed if they would somehow find out, but I'm also not going to rub their noses in it...

[Lauxa]

Well, mine is more the relationship with 2 people style, but the second is willing to settle for seconds, and not asking for anything that would take away from the first. Like Christmas, for instance. Also my whole family knows the person as we have been friends for a long time but just recently became something more.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

Well, mine is more the relationship with 2 people style, but the second is willing to settle for seconds, and not asking for anything that would take away from the first. Like Christmas, for instance. Also my whole family knows the person as we have been friends for a long time but just recently became something more.

Then, for family intentions this person is simply a very good friend of the family And for you it is something more

But yes, I do think that it is not a good thing to be ashamed of, so make sure that IF someone finds out, you feel comfortable acknowledging it, and being strong in your choice.... but no need to call for a family reunion to explain the new situation....

That's just my opinion of course....

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Then, for family intentions this person is simply a very good friend of the family And for you it is something more

But yes, I do think that it is not a good thing to be ashamed of, so make sure that IF someone finds out, you feel comfortable acknowledging it, and being strong in your choice.... but no need to call for a family reunion to explain the new situation....

That's just my opinion of course....

Thank you Sandra, your opinion means a lot to me.

[ssandra]

And congrats btw... Enjoy and have lots of fun!!

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by ssandra

We do "don't ask, don't tell". But, we also don't have a formal poly relationship. If I were to love 2 people and be in a relationship with 2 people I don't know how I would explain that sometimes with Christmas I wouldn't be there....?

Just an open relationship and playmates however? They don't need to know. I'm not ashamed if they would somehow find out, but I'm also not going to rub their noses in it...

As ssandra pointed out, it's probably not worth bringing up unless/until you get into a situation where a partner is very involved with your family. Much the same way that a single mom might not introduce a partner to the kids until she was sure it was something serious.

That said, everyone is different, and what works for others may not work for you. I think it largely depends on how open you desire your relationship with your family to be (and your husband with his). I've been very lucky to have a wonderful family with whom I am very open and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even luckier, they don't judge my choices and also like my boyfriends.

My (ex)husband however had a very different situation, and struggle, on his hands. We kept things very quiet from his parents. He did eventually decide to tell his (very Christian) parents that we had been poly (oddly enough, after our breakup) and that conversation has caused him much strife. Not, however, as bad as the later one where he admitted he is no longer Christian! I think he has had an easier time of it than he would have had he told them when we were together, as he is now in a monogamous relationship with someone else. So they can thus see it as an error on his part he had "gotten over", and blame it on me LOL. Even more luckily, I have VERY little to do with his parents!

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

As ssandra pointed out, it's probably not worth bringing up unless/until you get into a situation where a partner is very involved with your family. Much the same way that a single mom might not introduce a partner to the kids until she was sure it was something serious.

That said, everyone is different, and what works for others may not work for you. I think it largely depends on how open you desire your relationship with your family to be (and your husband with his). I've been very lucky to have a wonderful family with whom I am very open and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even luckier, they don't judge my choices and also like my boyfriends.

My (ex)husband however had a very different situation, and struggle, on his hands. We kept things very quiet from his parents. He did eventually decide to tell his (very Christian) parents that we had been poly (oddly enough, after our breakup) and that conversation has caused him much strife. Not, however, as bad as the later one where he admitted he is no longer Christian! I think he has had an easier time of it than he would have had he told them when we were together, as he is now in a monogamous relationship with someone else. So they can thus see it as an error on his part he had "gotten over", and blame it on me LOL. Even more luckily, I have VERY little to do with his parents!

Not only are my husband's parents very strongly Catholic, but his dad had an affair and his mom has a lot of pain around that which would surely be activated and projected by hearing about our arrangement. And she doesn't exactly like the guy either, to put it mildly. It's a sticky situation all around.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am lucky to be able to talk with people who have faced some of these struggles.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by ssandra

And congrats btw... Enjoy and have lots of fun!!

Thanks Sandra!

[votoshka]

I think it's really none of your family's business, to be honest. It's just not really something that needs to come up in conversation, is it?

I dunno, it's just something I wouldn't tell family members unless I knew they'd be cool with it (and my parents wouldn't!).

[MysteryX]

Life is too short to care about what people think of you.

My parents are also very catholic.

Once I wanted to invite a girl to my parents' cottage and my mom told me "I don't want to see one of your 'sluts'". I haven't brought her anywhere close to my parents.

[zeitgeist]

Historically, we used to live in clans and your lifestyle used to be the norm. I have the hunch that as our consciousness evolves we will go back to it as you can experience so much more in a clan (besides it being so much more satisfying sexually). So consider yourself a pioneer and, as others have said before me, enjoy!

Zeitgeist

[Lauxa]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I talked to my sister about it a bit. She doesn't think it's a good idea, but she's not exactly one to be all judgy about it. It's just so far outside the mainstream she's never even considered it, maybe a lot to process. Heck, it's a lot for me to process, so I'm not surprised others are having trouble with it.

Everyone suddenly seems very concerned about my relationship with husband, mother in law was grilling me about it yesterday. I just said that sometimes it feels like we don't have many things we like to do in common, but I'm okay with that because he lets me go out and do my own thing. I think I must have the best husband ever.

Starting a new relationship has really made me focus more on my old one as well. For a long time, I had weak parenting skills and the kids stayed up all hours and wore us out. Now they are in bed by 8:30 and we take at least 10 minutes a night of adult time for snuggles, back rubs, and whatever.

Much love to all of you.