Trying to wrap my brain around the idea of multiple partners

[Digital Jack]

I've seen a good number of people now on my journeys through the internet, that claim that they are consistently in relationships with several members of the opposite sex at once, and that they enjoy not only dating, but also sleeping with them too.

Now, (Im willing to believe this is my contidioning speaking here...) but I have always just assumed that most women are happiest with straight monogamy, whether its a marriage thing or its just a boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Ive heard statements on this very forum, that read like "Well, we women love sex! Even lots and lots of it! But really, we only like it with one partner at a time..." And even in my own personal relationships, I have yet to have one girlfriend that would even entertain the idea of allowing me to have multiple partners (even though I wouldn't mind at all if they chose to do this)

So how do you even come to the point of realization where you can tell yourself "Yes, I will have relationships with lots of people at once, despite any hurt it may cause."? I just have a few questions for anyone in those types of situations...

Do your other girlfriends/boyfriends know about your other boyfriends/girlfriends? Have you talked out these issues with every one of your partners and explained how you run your sex life? Have you ever had a backlash when one of them found out and didn't agree to the lifestyle? If you don't tell them about your other relationships, do you feel that you honestly shouldn't have to?; that its your right to have multiple relationships, whether they know about it or not?

Just wondering, cause maybe I'm being prude on the matter. Maybe I'm demonizing polyamory. Maybe I have no idea what higher levels of sexual maturity are even like, and once I understand them, I will also understand that its OK to have multiple sex partners without tremendous amounts of guilt, or feeling like I'm 'using' these people, and that it's not a big deal. Or am I just trying to delude myself into thinking there's a 'spiritually OK' side for having multiple sex partners? I'm open to possibilities...

One thing... I definitely FEEL like I wouldn't mind a lifestyle like this. I definitely feel like I have the capacity love multiple people, and in multiple ways. I never did understand why love and other feelings had to be relegated to only one person at a time. The only real issue I guess is finding women who would agree with this view...


So please people, challenge me. Inform me, educate me. Tell me what life is like on the other side of the bridge, if you get my drift... Tell me I'm delusional if you think so... don't hold back.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Digital Jack

Just wondering, cause maybe I'm being prude on the matter. Maybe I'm demonizing polyamory.

I'm not a polyamorist, but I just wanted to point out that this...

Have you ever had a backlash when one of them found out and didn't agree to the lifestyle? If you don't tell them about your other relationships, do you feel that you honestly shouldn't have to?; that its your right to have multiple relationships, whether they know about it or not?

...is pretty much not considered polyamory by anyone here that I know of. It's called cheating. Polyamory is about an informed, mutual, multiple partnership.

[Digital Jack]

Originally Posted by Indiana

I'm not a polyamorist, but I just wanted to point out that this...

...is pretty much not considered polyamory by anyone here that I know of. It's called cheating. Polyamory is about an informed, mutual, multiple partnership.

Of course. My primary reason for even asking that that question was to see in general, how honest peoples intentions are behind having multiple partners. If a lot of folks responded with an answer like "Nope, none of them know!" then it really tells me their intentions aren't honest. If I ever decided to go the true polyamory route, I would definitely inform everyone involved what was going on.

If you're the kind of person that has five girlfriends, and everyone knows about everyone and is cool with it, then more power to everyone! Ive often heard that the key is communication, otherwise it is, as you say, lying and cheating.

[spacecadetglow]

I don't think I'm interested in polyamory because my life is too busy to keep track of umpteen sexual partners. Really, one would be plenty for now. I've often had the same questions as you, Digital Jack, but most of the poly people I know are living consciously and honestly. I don't think you could truly call yourself polyamorous if you're sleeping behind everyone's back -- the word itself calls forth the image of a certain lifestyle for me, which includes openness and honesty. Will be interesting to see the responses here, though.

[gingerbaker]

I don't have time for a long reply now - I am at work - but I'll be happy to get back with something longer. Meanwhile, my really short reply:

Yes, all of my partners know of (and often know, and quite often *are dating also*) my other partners. There was never a time when they *did not* know. I tell people I am poly (and explain what that is) long before I have gotten to an intimate stage with them. In fact, most random strangers I have conversations with, know!

It is not at all unusual in my world to have a date with a lover and end up discussing the amazing sex you had with someone else the night before. Sometimes while having sex lol. It's also not unusual at all to discuss issues you are having with another partner, things you find hot about someone new, problems you are having with jealousy, time management skills, events you want to go to, financial difficulties in your life, theoretical topics relating to relationships and polyamory, etc. Which is to say, anything and everything in your life, up to and including relationship topics of all sorts.

[James81]

A lot of people like the idea of having sex with lots of different partners, but they do not like the idea of the person they are with doing the same.

To me, I think, this is something you lay out pretty much upfront. When you tell someone what you want out of a relationship, then that leaves them with the choice of whether they are ok with it or not. That way, they aren't getting emotionally invested in you without knowing where you stand on a lot of stuff.

(This assumes that your ultimate aim is a relationship. If you're just out to sleep around, I don't think you need to disclose much other than "Hey, I'm not looking for a relationship")

[pyrogen]

I couldn't. I want to be someone's priority, and be the primary partner. The Murphy's Law of Polyamory is that it's easier to find a secondary than a primary.

Even if I did have a primary, I'm still not sure I want more. If I had the right one, one would be enough. Every time I've wanted more, its been because my relationship lacked or was failing. And I have too many other interests besides relationships and dating. Being constantly in NRE seems stressful on the body, to me. My adrenals couldn't handle it. I don't *want* constant excitement. I guess that makes me a monamorist.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Digital Jack

Of course. My primary reason for even asking that that question was to see in general, how honest peoples intentions are behind having multiple partners. If a lot of folks responded with an answer like "Nope, none of them know!" then it really tells me their intentions aren't honest. If I ever decided to go the true polyamory route, I would definitely inform everyone involved what was going on.

If you're the kind of person that has five girlfriends, and everyone knows about everyone and is cool with it, then more power to everyone! Ive often heard that the key is communication, otherwise it is, as you say, lying and cheating.

Yeah, I think almost by definition 'polyamory' is a totally different kettle of fish to 'multiple partners who are unaware of each other'. You can't really compare the two. I mean, you can be married and have multiple partners who are unaware of each other; that wouldn't make you a polyamorist, just an adulterer.

As for me, yeah, I'm not into it and I wouldn't want a partner who was. To be honest, this is because I like real depth in an intimate relationship, and I feel it's not achievable when there are a bunch of people involved. At least not to the level I would be happy with. Life seems busy enough even with just one partner! I wouldn't have the energy for more.

Maybe I have no idea what higher levels of sexual maturity are even like, and once I understand them, I will also understand that its OK to have multiple sex partners without tremendous amounts of guilt, or feeling like I'm 'using' these people, and that it's not a big deal.

Also, I often see polyamory described by polyamorists as a 'higher' level of sexual maturity, and I don't agree. It's just a different approach in my opinion. I mean, if you can manage multiple, open sexual relationships, that's great. But I don't think having a preference for that makes people 'more mature'. Of course, having multiple, dishonest sexual relationships would be a less mature option than either polyamory or monogamy, so you're right to be confused about how you'd reconcile that.

[jinkster]

i was involved in a polyamourous relationship, fell in love, wanted children, planned the future etc. but found out (at the time? in that particular situation?) i wasn't able to emotionally deal with some of the practical issues when he fell in love with someone he was seeing. he saw us as equal (no primary or ranking status) and i got caught up in the idea there wasn't enough to go around. when he couldn't afford a bus ticket to visit me for example, i was upset to hear about the gifts he bought her. we talked about and planned a road trip for me to meet his parents, some friends and visit some of my family and while i assumed it was just the 2 of us, he assumed it was for the 3 of us. i had all these fantasies (we'd have children and live in girlfriend kind of thing) and plans (to take him to mexico with my family) and *wham* now it's going to be 3 for the rest of our lives? how does that work? i wanted to figure it out. things like that seemed to really add up and i think it is safe to say the long distance aspect in our relationship did play a significant factor. it turned ugly i turned introspective and tried to figure out what was wrong with me. why i so hurt so much. why i couldn't just go with the flow.

that experience is not enough for me to limit myself to monogamy but i know now of some of the challenges that arise when you allow your heart to be open to loving many people and might choose to avoid particular scenarios next time around.

i want someone to be my primary. and i want to be someone's. why does that sound so horrible? i want priority dammit! hah.

at the moment i consider myself single and dating. love is hard to define. i love my friend, we hang out a couple times a week, talk, laugh and often end up naked, playing and exploring the physical side of our relationship. okay so actually i have a few friends like that who i see in varying frequencies. because some of these relationships have gone on for years there is a comfort level present that means i can relax.

i'd say it's working well right now. i am open. i try not to limit the choices i have. i think monogamy will happen naturally for me...at least for a period.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

"Yes, I will have relationships with lots of people at once, despite any hurt it may cause."? I just have a few questions for anyone in those types of situations...

Jack, this really stuck out to me. This tells me you believe, maybe unconsciously, that having multiple relationships hurts others, like it's a natural consequence of those relationships, and that by accepting those relationships you accepting a life in which you hurt the ones you love. And I guess the idea is to hurt them as little as possible?

But that's not the case at all. Multiple partners can and do enrich and improve the lives of all involved.

[Digital Jack]

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

Jack, this really stuck out to me. This tells me you believe, maybe unconsciously, that having multiple relationships hurts others, like it's a natural consequence of those relationships, and that by accepting those relationships you accepting a life in which you hurt the ones you love. And I guess the idea is to hurt them as little as possible?

But that's not the case at all. Multiple partners can and do enrich and improve the lives of all involved.

I think you read my mind before I posted... That eye of yours that's open is your third eye apparently I was just about to elaborate on this very point you made~

In my experience, I've found that whether I have a messy break-up with someone, or both of us leave on good terms, it's still never easy to let someone go. What honestly hurts me worse in most cases is knowing what pain Ive caused in others. I feel like in order for there to even be a relationship to begin with, that there should be a reasonable assumption the the two of us can make it work for a long, long time. So when it ends, it feels like Ive broken a promise or something, and that I've effectively gone against my word. (Ive often been told a man is only as good as his word) But like you say, this probably doesn't have to be the case at all..

Ive also often felt that a strictly monogamous relationship implies partial ownership of a person. We joke around with our lovers all the time about how "you're mine" ect. Its even on the candy hearts. But is that sort of thing always healthy? When the co-dependency gets to be really serious and self-destructive (and this has happened with my dates, as well as myself before) isn't it sorta like saying "be the slave to my chronic dependency, and never leave?" I know that if it happens with me, I become the nice guy, and I get needy and approval seeking, causing women to start finding things to hide behind when I come by.

So this is why I was so interested by polyamory at first. I thought that it was great that there was some sort of alternate means by which people can have relationships, that don't involve people becoming horrifically co-dependent; that takes into consideration the fact that humans do get attracted to other people on occasion, and that we shouldn't be ashamed of it, or feel like we need to keep our lovers genitals under our lock and key. If my girlfriend met a celebrity she liked one day, and had one chance to sleep with him, why should I deny her of that opportunity? She might never get another chance.


*to everyone else: Keep the comments coming! I'm not intending to jump right into this lifestyle or anything, I just wanted peoples viewpoints. Its a good debate topic too, since its like an apples or oranges thing; neither are right or wrong, the only real question should be "which one is your favorite?"

[spacecadetglow]

I just don't get how you can be totally in love with someone, in a healthy relationship, yet still want to have sex with somebody else? I mean, I guess it's possible, just hard for me to imagine.

[James81]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I just don't get how you can be totally in love with someone, in a healthy relationship, yet still want to have sex with somebody else? I mean, I guess it's possible, just hard for me to imagine.

If you were a guy, you'd understand.

Honestly, I can tell you a "guy truth" (crunch a TM up against that ) here that perhaps guys don't tell women too much but....it doesn't matter how attractive a woman is or how great the sex is, there's always that desire for someone else and there's always that possibility that sex with the same person could get boring after a while.

I'll stop there and let that marinate for a little while.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I just don't get how you can be totally in love with someone, in a healthy relationship, yet still want to have sex with somebody else? I mean, I guess it's possible, just hard for me to imagine.

Yeah, I kinda feel this way too... in some ways I can see the appeal of polyamory BUT only when in a relationship that doesn't really "do" it for me. If I am in a relationship with a guy who I'm madly in love with, there's just absolutely no desire to have sex with another person.

I know not everybody feels this way though, and that's cool Just personally when I think about it... being with my one true love (LOL) just doesn't jive with being polyamorous!

BUT again... if I'm not totally madly in love with a guy... then yeah, there's definitely the desire for someone else. I usually satisfy it with fantasising lol.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by James81

If you were a guy, you'd understand.

Honestly, I can tell you a "guy truth" (crunch a TM up against that ) here that perhaps guys don't tell women too much but....it doesn't matter how attractive a woman is or how great the sex is, there's always that desire for someone else and there's always that possibility that sex with the same person could get boring after a while.

I'll stop there and let that marinate for a little while.

But James, what if you are madly in love with the woman? So in love that she sort of rocks your world to the point where you can't think straight?? I can't imagine too many guys in THAT situation wanting to have sex with other women.

I dunno... maybe that "madly in love" stage just doesn't last forever with anyone??! I've always wanted to be in a relationship like that, that just lasted forever haha... maybe I'm just a romantic at heart?

[spacecadetglow]

Well, it's one thing think about sex with other people or even desire it. Quite another to make it happen.

Of course the opposite sexes lust after one another. I don't have any issue with that. I just think to actually pursue it is another deal. Who knows, maybe I could grow into something like that, I don't really know where my life is headed. I just can't see myself desiring it at this point, that's all.

[st33med]

It made sense to me when I read Steve's article. I like spreading around love, and I feel like I am very much a lover. It really is possible to love someone else just as much as your main partner. It's like taking the leash off so you can freely explore other people's lives!

It may feel like the person is 'cheating', but to me, it isn't. Love is in very much plentiful supplies in all of us, and feeling jealous because someone else is spreading romantic love to someone else than you while you are in love seems... odd to me. It's saying for me that you can't explore your sexual or romantic desires for other people because you or the other person would feel awful for ruining the exclusivity. At least, that's how I see it. I'm not very big on exclusivity as you can see, so I'm biased.

Of course, there are limits like the resources you are able to dedicate to relationships and the amount of people who are into polyamory. I'm not expecting to see someone with a glowing neon sign above their head saying, "OPEN." So, I can settle for a closed and monogamous relationship as long as it's someone who I really really dig.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by st33med

It may feel like the person is 'cheating', but to me, it isn't. Love is in very much plentiful supplies in all of us, and feeling jealous because someone else is spreading romantic love to someone else than you while you are in love seems... odd to me. It's saying for me that you can't explore your sexual or romantic desires for other people because you or the other person would feel awful for ruining the exclusivity. At least, that's how I see it. I'm not very big on exclusivity as you can see, so I'm biased.

For me it's not so much about specific exclusivity, but about feeling that the person is investing equally to me. I have no idea what your life is like, Andrew, so I assume different life demands allow/support different lifestyles.

For example, my partner and I both work in creative fields that are quite consuming, both in the respect that we work full-time and we spent time outside 'work' researching and furthering our knowledge about our fields. We also have pets that require attention, and we hope to have kids, who will require a LOT of attention! Also, we both have interests and hobbies and individual projects that we take part in, plus friends and families to catch up with.

Already I'm feeling like that adds up to almost more than 168 hours a week!

For me, it's important to have a partner with whom I can feel safe and mutually supportive, and have a good, intimate relationship. I have no idea where I'd find the time for a second partnership. Maybe just for pure sex, but a) I already get that just fine from my partner and b) something in me doesn't enjoy sex without a deeper connection. So I feel like any intimate time I spent with someone else would effectively be robbing my chosen partner of the time I could spend with them, deepening our relationship.

[Digital Jack]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I just don't get how you can be totally in love with someone, in a healthy relationship, yet still want to have sex with somebody else? I mean, I guess it's possible, just hard for me to imagine.

If you are totally in love with someone, I think that is an entirely different matter, and I can see where you'd only want to have sex with them and them only! And that's totally fine.

I'm curious, was your post response to this part of my post? :

If my girlfriend met a celebrity she liked one day, and had one chance to sleep with him, why should I deny her of that opportunity? She might never get another chance.

Well, perhaps this is my own way of letting go of things, or perhaps Ive had things negatively effect me and now I've become numb to them. For example, I've gone back and examined every one of my break-ups for things that I did wrong in the relationship, major or minor. I'm very critical of myself at times, especially if I feel like I've hurt someone.

So I ended up with the conclusion that "a great deal of mens attractiveness comes from their inner stregnth of their ability to handle emotions of themselves and others, so at no point should you ever allow yourself to become totally infatuated or insanely in love with someone. Its not only a turn-off, but a signal of an incredible instability."

So I feel that if a woman cheats on me, she has every right to, because after all we are here for our own experience and to be happy and healthy. If I'm not married to this woman, theres no need for me to hold her down. If I'm not providing that happiness for her, why should she owe me all kinds of explanations? She should just be going and living life, why wait until I give her approval to?

Perhaps I just don't demand enough in my relationships as far as boundaries and respect... perhaps Ive numbed myself a little too much. That's another reason I'm posting these things, to figure all this out...

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by st33med

It made sense to me when I read Steve's article. I like spreading around love, and I feel like I am very much a lover. It really is possible to love someone else just as much as your main partner. It's like taking the leash off so you can freely explore other people's lives!

It may feel like the person is 'cheating', but to me, it isn't. Love is in very much plentiful supplies in all of us, and feeling jealous because someone else is spreading romantic love to someone else than you while you are in love seems... odd to me. It's saying for me that you can't explore your sexual or romantic desires for other people because you or the other person would feel awful for ruining the exclusivity. At least, that's how I see it. I'm not very big on exclusivity as you can see, so I'm biased.

Of course, there are limits like the resources you are able to dedicate to relationships and the amount of people who are into polyamory. I'm not expecting to see someone with a glowing neon sign above their head saying, "OPEN." So, I can settle for a closed and monogamous relationship as long as it's someone who I really really dig.

See, it makes sense to me in theory, but when I'm madly in love with someone, I guess I like to be exclusive, and I'd like it if he wanted to be exclusive with me too. There's two conflicting sides to me about this I also have a streak of jealousy which may not be healthy, but it's there! I do feel inadequate if my partner wants to be with other women... even if I know at an intellectual level that I shouldn't feel this way.

There's a big ol' war between logic and emotion that goes on in that brain of mine, and it's not so easy to sort it all out!

[mikej]

Yep, there's a big difference between theory and practice.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by Digital Jack

If you are totally in love with someone, I think that is an entirely different matter, and I can see where you'd only want to have sex with them and them only! And that's totally fine.

I'm curious, was your post response to this part of my post? :

Well, perhaps this is my own way of letting go of things, or perhaps Ive had things negatively effect me and now I've become numb to them. For example, I've gone back and examined every one of my break-ups for things that I did wrong in the relationship, major or minor. I'm very critical of myself at times, especially if I feel like I've hurt someone.

So I ended up with the conclusion that "a great deal of mens attractiveness comes from their inner stregnth of their ability to handle emotions of themselves and others, so at no point should you ever allow yourself to become totally infatuated or insanely in love with someone. Its not only a turn-off, but a signal of an incredible instability."

So I feel that if a woman cheats on me, she has every right to, because after all we are here for our own experience and to be happy and healthy. If I'm not married to this woman, theres no need for me to hold her down. If I'm not providing that happiness for her, why should she owe me all kinds of explanations? She should just be going and living life, why wait until I give her approval to?

Perhaps I just don't demand enough in my relationships as far as boundaries and respect... perhaps Ive numbed myself a little too much. That's another reason I'm posting these things, to figure all this out...

It was in response to the thread in general, but what you've written here is interesting.

Have you had the experience of being *mutually* head over heels in love with someone? If not, I get why you'd think the infatuation causes a relationship to fail. I mean, it's a pretty powerful chemical release, and if the other party isn't also experiencing that... it leads to various issues like perceived clinginess, unrequited love, and what some of us like to call "wet noodle syndrome." You know, when one person gets all mushy and the other person doesn't feel that way, so it pushes them away.

I think emotional mastery is something you can aspire to, but I don't think you should ever seek to turn the infatuation part off. It has its use, but make sure you're directing it towards the right girl! Try to find out right away how she feels about you and what she's looking for, to minimize your risk of getting hurt. It's so easy to create wild fantasies in our heads of the people we're attracted to, but I have to say that I opted out of that game awhile ago. You're right to rein it in, and I don't think you've done everlasting damage to yourself. You probably just haven't found the right girl yet.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by Indiana

For me it's not so much about specific exclusivity, but about feeling that the person is investing equally to me. I have no idea what your life is like, Andrew, so I assume different life demands allow/support different lifestyles.

For example, my partner and I both work in creative fields that are quite consuming, both in the respect that we work full-time and we spent time outside 'work' researching and furthering our knowledge about our fields. We also have pets that require attention, and we hope to have kids, who will require a LOT of attention! Also, we both have interests and hobbies and individual projects that we take part in, plus friends and families to catch up with.

Already I'm feeling like that adds up to almost more than 168 hours a week!

For me, it's important to have a partner with whom I can feel safe and mutually supportive, and have a good, intimate relationship. I have no idea where I'd find the time for a second partnership. Maybe just for pure sex, but a) I already get that just fine from my partner and b) something in me doesn't enjoy sex without a deeper connection. So I feel like any intimate time I spent with someone else would effectively be robbing my chosen partner of the time I could spend with them, deepening our relationship.

This is more or less describes how I feel about polyamory. I'm going to have a pretty demanding career myself, plus music projects and various other hobbies that I want to keep pursuing, and I don't think I'd have the time to be running all around town. Sex is of course important to me, but ideally I'd like to really get to know someone over years and deepen one sexual bond rather than spread it thin with everyone else.

--

Another thing that occurs to me is that jealousy gets such a negative rap. It's like if you're jealous, you're automatically insecure and a terrible person, basically. Actually, jealousy is expected and respected within Muslim cultures, because it signifies that the other person cares. I like when my partners express a little jealousy, not over the top possessiveness, but just a twinge. I find it sexy! This militant attitude of "must overcome jealousy" that appears in poly/PD circles doesn't compute for me, and if that makes me unevolved, so be it. It's nothing but a cultural construct anyway, no such thing as right or wrong. Of course, if jealousy is an all-consuming issue that eats at you constantly, it's probably something to work on. But it's okay to be a little jealous.

Polyamory made sense for me in college, when all I did was sleep around. I kind of have a BTDT attitude with it now. I'd like to really explore and sink into monogamy, because I don't believe I ever have.

[James81]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Another thing that occurs to me is that jealousy gets such a negative rap. It's like if you're jealous, you're automatically insecure and a terrible person, basically. Actually, jealousy is expected and respected within Muslim cultures, because it signifies that the other person cares. I like when my partners express a little jealousy, not over the top possessiveness, but just a twinge. I find it sexy! This militant attitude of "must overcome jealousy" that appears in poly/PD circles doesn't compute for me, and if that makes me unevolved, so be it. It's nothing but a cultural construct anyway, no such thing as right or wrong. Of course, if jealousy is an all-consuming issue that eats at you constantly, it's probably something to work on. But it's okay to be a little jealous.

Jealousy is a pretty loaded word with all sorts of meanings from different peoples.

What are you meaning by jealousy?

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by James81

Jealousy is a pretty loaded word with all sorts of meanings from different peoples.

What are you meaning by jealousy?

That's true. And there are different degrees.

The kind of jealousy I'm talking about is just having a general concern for who your partner is seeing. Not necessarily making demands of your partner to not see specific people, I would never do that, but having the feeling of concern. Recently the guy I was with was at some event where there were topless girls (an art event, saggy boob hippies, what?) and I felt twinges of jealousy. I actually kind of relished it, but then again I am weird.

Like, it would feel so good knowing that after something like that, my partner would come home to me. I guess because there's a possibility, no matter how distant or vague, that he could leave me or cheat. So when I win it back, it feels that much better. Odd.

Edit: Strangely, for me, this is much more exciting and sexy than the free love attitude you find in polyamory. But I recognize that some people get off on talking about their other partners with primary partners, and that's cool too.

[James81]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

That's true. And there are different degrees.

The kind of jealousy I'm talking about is just having a general concern for who your partner is seeing. Not necessarily making demands of your partner to not see specific people, I would never do that, but having the feeling of concern. Recently the guy I was with was at some event where there were topless girls (an art event, saggy boob hippies, what?) and I felt twinges of jealousy. I actually kind of relished it, but then again I am weird.

Like, it would feel so good knowing that after something like that, my partner would come home to me. I guess because there's a possibility, no matter how distant or vague, that he could leave me or cheat. So when I win it back, it feels that much better. Odd.

Edit: Strangely, for me, this is much more exciting and sexy than the free love attitude you find in polyamory. But I recognize that some people get off on talking about their other partners with primary partners, and that's cool too.

Well, for me, polyamory (actually, I call it "open relationships" moreso than polyamory) was just a way for me to deal with the idea of being cheated on. I pretty much flipped out when I found out my ex was cheating, and I wanted to know why I was flipping out. I discovered that there was no real reason to get that bent out of shape over it. So, it's been rather enlightening to face the thing that used to get me all worked up and for dealing with jealousy issues.

Ironically, I've discovered that an open relationship is actually a huge part of the reason why my last relationship ended. The girl told me, after everything was over, that she realized that the fact I wasn't committing to be monogamous to her must've bothered her more than she realized. I never really told her this (I figured at the point she told me it was a moot point), but we were long distance, and I thought "Why the hell would I commit to someone who can't even commit to the idea of maybe one day possibly moving here?"

I ended the relationship the night I asked her if she was open to that idea and she hemmed and hawed about it and said she didn't know. Of course, I wasn't asking her to move here like right away, I was just wanting to see how open she was to the idea itself...someday...And she couldn't even say "maybe" to that.

The irony in THAT was, if she had made that investment of commitment (just to the idea, not to the actual DOING it), I would've committed to a completely monogamous relationship. I was right at the brink of that with her, but seeing that there seemed to be no real local future with us, I wasn't about to commit to something like that.

What that taught me is that monogamy, committing to someone, is a mutual thing. It's "earned" (using that word very loosely). it's not something you just *do* or the way a relationship is supposed to naturally go. It's something that you both eventually decide to do because you've had the freedom to choose whoever you want, but are deciding to choose each other instead.

So, in that vein, I see monogamy as an investment of mutual committment and a very specific, precise conversation of that committment where both parties are entirely on board with the idea. However, the general trend of relationships is kinda the opposite of that. It seems like once you go on more than, say, three dates, both parties start assuming the committment.

In other words, my preference is to leave a relationship open for an extended period of time and THEN choose to commit to each other.

[spacecadetglow]

I resonate with that, James. I didn't know you had been in an open relationship! How far away was she?

[James81]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I resonate with that, James. I didn't know you had been in an open relationship! How far away was she?

The other end of the world. (California)

It was a great experience though. I didn't go into it thinking anything would come out of it. I was focusing mostly on the experience.

I've been in two open relationships. Both long distance, though. Which, honestly, I really think that with a long distance relationship that's the best way to go.

The other open relationship...well...that's another story. Ever seen the movie The Wicker Man? She was more on par with those peeps (and that scares the bejesus out of me ).

[gigij]

Originally Posted by James81

and there's always that possibility that sex with the same person could get boring after a while.

I don't quite get this. I can see how doing the same thing could get boring after a while - but I don't see how the same person could get boring. I mean if you are bored with one person and then do the same stuff with someone else how is that any less boring? And if you are bored with the same stuff can't you just as easily do some different stuff with the same person?

[James81]

Originally Posted by gigij

I don't quite get this. I can see how doing the same thing could get boring after a while - but I don't see how the same person could get boring. I mean if you are bored with one person and then do the same stuff with someone else how is that any less boring? And if you are bored with the same stuff can't you just as easily do some different stuff with the same person?

The simple answer to this is that I'm a visual person.