Attracting unavailable men

[danas]

Me this guy, we have a strong love/chemical connection. Thats obvious to both of us.
We were together for about 6 month but it was never exclusive. He didnt want that. so we ended it and I left town
While I was away he gave me some promises (like that hes gonna come see me), which he never kept and I cut all contact with him ( I was totally heartbroken and cried for weeks). He tried contacting me telling me how he thinks of me, but I kept my cool and my distance.

6 months later Im back in town. He found out and asked to meet me for coffee. I was hesitant.
I dreamt he had a gf.
I met him anyway and promised myself not to touch him. Strictly friends. Well we finally met after 6 months and as usual, it was amazing. We have an amazing connection. It feels like love. He was flirting but I did nothing in return. After I left he wrote how amazing it was to see me.
A week past. He kept texting and asking to meet.
Today we met again. After some time I couldnt resist, he started hugging me and kissing me... I love him. I couldnt stop myself after a certain point. We made out passionately.
I remembered my dream and asked if he had a gf. He said yes and this is the first time he's cheated on her.Then why the hell was he doing this??
I dont know he said. Your body is asking to be touched, I cannot not touch you.
(This is EXACTLY what the last guy I was with said, when I asked why he was trying to kiss and touch me if wasnt available.)
He said he loves my mind and my body and our amazing connection. but he cant be exclusive with me. I said "call me if things change" and left.
He said "cant we just be friends then?" I didnt reply. I left
Only moments ago I was having an amazing orgasm.
Strange.
So what do I do? I feel hurt.
I feel his familiar energy all over me yet I know I mustnt meet him again if I want a real relationship
Although I feel devastated if I think Ill never see him again. . Even as a friend ....

I keep attracting unavailable guys who find my body and mind irresistible, but do not want to be my boyfriends.
I want to end of this pattern. Problem is these are guys I have so much in common with (which is not that common for me to find). And very strong mutual attraction to.
I wish I knew how to stop this. Change it. Suggestions...?

[rei]

Hey danas, just some questions. No need to answer here unless you want to. I don't claim I'm onto something with any of them; they are just the first thoughts that came.

Do you...

...find appeal in something you're not supposed to have?

...subconsciously relish the validation you get from being desired and picked over the monogamous partner?

...find unavailable men as a way to balance out a very intense desire for commitment?

[Grrl]

Perhaps it is because you, yourself, in your own way, are unavailable?

Speaking from experience, these kinds of guys are a waste of time. I understand the whole thing about attracting asshats and Mr Unavailables like these. I used to be a magnet for attracting such foolish men. In retrospect, I facepalm myself thinking about the crap I've dealt with and those guys that I felt so "in love" with.

Oh, don't get me wrong... there was definitely a connection... but it wasn't happily ever after like I thought it was. From where I'm standing, in my slightly wiser position in life, I can see that men like this fit a certain type.... I was attracting a particular type of men to replay a very unfulfilling dynamic. It was some kind of repetition complex. Daddy issues or whatever.

Deep down, I wasn't loving myself. I was seeking something from the world to modify the way I felt about myself and being a woman, I felt that might be a particular man. The truth is, only you can make yourself happy and loved on the inside. And when you love and respect yourself as you should, you won't allow these types of men to disrespect you by playing with your heart and your feelings and not to mention, your body.

There's nothing wrong with having fun... but you sound like you're looking for a relationship. And if you're attracting guys like the one you described, you should "check yourself before you wreck yourself" because what you're describing fits the mold of a pattern that too many of us women have to play out again and again until we wake up and learn how to discern what's really best for ourselves.

Hope I don't sound preachy! I'm speaking with love because I've been there...

ps: How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim This is an awesome website. I recommend you click around and read some articles because it's a blog about this exact subject matter and the author nails it, every time.

[danas]

Originally Posted by rei

Hey danas, just some questions. No need to answer here unless you want to. I don't claim I'm onto something with any of them; they are just the first thoughts that came.

Do you...

...find appeal in something you're not supposed to have?

...subconsciously relish the validation you get from being desired and picked over the monogamous partner?

...find unavailable men as a way to balance out a very intense desire for commitment?

Thanks rei.

...find appeal in something you're not supposed to have?

...subconsciously relish the validation you get from being desired and picked over the monogamous partner?

No consciously No.
I definitely dont find any satisfaction being desired over the the monogamous partner.
The guy before this one left home after his wife broke off with him and they are getting a divorce- so he wasnt with a partner, but was definitely unavailable for a new relationship)
I usually stay well away from guys in relationships. Ive never been with a guy who had a gf.

I didnt know this guy had a girlfriend.
I was pretty sure after all the hell I gave him last time about not being with me, if he cant BE with me all the way, that he understood and wanted to give us a chance...
I mean I deleted him from FB and skype and I explained why. I wanted to be his gf and nothing less.

I was sure that he was initiating contact bc he realized how much he missed me, like I missed him, and finally decided to just be with me bc it felt so good. (which is exactly true- but he still isnt interested in being my partner.)

I just asked him about the gf bc my dreams are usually messages not to be ignored. I was surprised when he said yes. And hurt. and confused.
But I guess people dont change so fast.

...find unavailable men as a way to balance out a very intense desire for commitment

Hmm this could be. I dont know.

During my time with him today I thought I may as well just enjoy this instead of calculating my every move.
I had been thinking of him all week. I talked to him in my thoughts. Telling him in my thoughts how I loved him. I needed to find out what was behind this, if anything. I didnt want to drag it again for months like I did last time.
So I just spoke up and got the answers I wanted. If I hadnt said anything he would never have told me he has a gf and knowing him he wouldve juggled us both.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Grrl

Perhaps it is because you, yourself, in your own way, are unavailable?

Speaking from experience, these kinds of guys are a waste of time. I understand the whole thing about attracting asshats and Mr Unavailables like these. I used to be a magnet for attracting such foolish men. In retrospect, I facepalm myself thinking about the crap I've dealt with and those guys that I felt so "in love" with.

Oh, don't get me wrong... there was definitely a connection... but it wasn't happily ever after like I thought it was. From where I'm standing, in my slightly wiser position in life, I can see that men like this fit a certain type.... I was attracting a particular type of men to replay a very unfulfilling dynamic. It was some kind of repetition complex. Daddy issues or whatever.

Deep down, I wasn't loving myself. I was seeking something from the world to modify the way I felt about myself and being a woman, I felt that might be a particular man. The truth is, only you can make yourself happy and loved on the inside. And when you love and respect yourself as you should, you won't allow these types of men to disrespect you by playing with your heart and your feelings and not to mention, your body.

There's nothing wrong with having fun... but you sound like you're looking for a relationship. And if you're attracting guys like the one you described, you should "check yourself before you wreck yourself" because what you're describing fits the mold of a pattern that too many of us women have to play out again and again until we wake up and learn how to discern what's really best for ourselves.

Hope I don't sound preachy! I'm speaking with love because I've been there...

ps: How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim This is an awesome website. I recommend you click around and read some articles because it's a blog about this exact subject matter and the author nails it, every time.

Thanks. You know its funny. Last days Ive been so into loving myself.
I spent the day at home last night making my new apartment special. Even made a "love shrine" full of flowers and symbols.

But yes, thanks. still more work to do!

In our last round, which lasted 6 months I avoided asking him these crucial questions. So it dragged on while I kept on hoping it would turn into something.
This time it lasted 1 week.
I just was very direct.
Yes or No? What is this exactly?
And I got a direct answer.
I didnt really want to spoil the moment with my serious "talk" but Im glad I did. Because I respect myself and my time enough to. I guess Im quite proud of myself...

[danas]

Thank you seeker
Yes this strikes a chord. Now I have to find out how I get rid of that damn limiting belief.
I just spent a few days with my mom (we usually live in different countries). After which I came home and concluded that she didnt love me. It was like a crystal clear realization and it hurt a lot.
I remembering thinking that if my own mother didnt love me then how can a guy love me.
but last night we spoke and I guess I was wrong. She does love me. She was having a physical problem which made her act a certain way. which to me seemed to mean she didnt love me.

Anyhow I really need to find a way to get rid of this limiting belief that I cannot really, totally be loved. I can be desired and lusted after. I can be admired and appreciated. but not loved.

[danas]

The sad thing is that I feel like I no longer want love.
I desire nothing. It's too painful.

[evelynlim]

Originally Posted by danas

The sad thing is that I feel like I no longer want love.
I desire nothing. It's too painful.

That could sound like avoiding. The thing to remember is: what you resists persists. As suggested by others in this thread, it might be a good idea to investigate what it is in your subconscious that you need to address. The more you clear limiting beliefs and what is in the past, the more free you will be. And then, it will be a matter of choice on whether or not you want a relationship.

Take care!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by danas

Thank you seeker
Yes this strikes a chord. Now I have to find out how I get rid of that damn limiting belief.

There are a number of ways to remove a limiting belief. You can try Byron Kathie's The Works (google it, it's free on a website), or use Angel Meditation (Life Regression Guided Meditation) by Louise Hay or get NLP Coaching (via skype/call) by NLP coaches. At least two members of this forum are NLP Coaches (Ssandra and Angela). You can ask either of them for what their NLP limiting belief removal coaching rates are. Ssandra used NLP coaching a week or so ago to help remove a firmly implanted limiting belief of mine that was really hindering me a tremendous amount. If you have some money to spend, I'd say the NLP coaching is the fastest/easiest way. Otherwise for do-it-yourself try the other methods. There are also a number of other ways to remove a limiting belief and in truth, removing the limiting belief isn't the hard part.

The hard part is becoming very clear what the limiting belief and recognizing it as a limiting belief. You need to figure out what it is before you can remove it.

I didn't intuitively feel you had hit it on the nail in your response to me exactly what your limiting belief was. You were getting closer, but not quite there. Your subsequent response seemed closer to it.

Would you say that you believe that love is painful? That if you allow yourself to love and be loved you would suffer pain?

*hug*

[stormpsyche]

Go get the book, "He's Just Not Into You" and read it a few times.

Men who want to have a relationship...and are considering getting married (to you) will behave much differently than what you have described.

Some women attract that type of relationship all the time. Men recognize there is something about the woman that makes the man not interested in a gf or marriage relationsip - but they "cannot resist" the sex. Some women are the same way. Some stay single so they can have more than one type of relationship.

Some married people realize they are still missing something in their relationship so they look for someone else to fill the void. The interesting part of this is that they decided the person they did not want to commit to.. would not work out in a committed relationship - and chose someone else who did not totally fit the bill either.

The person they married may be easier to live with (which has to do with comfort level - do they feel like they always have to be on their best behavior around you or can they relax like they want to do at their own home - can they be themself around you, wear scrubby clothes?) ..or the current spouse or gf (or bf) may be great at something they need - like running the household, presenting well to business associates, keeping the house organized/neat, raising children, shopping, whatever else is important to the spouse.

Remember the adage, "Most people live lives of quiet desperation?"

Now you have to figure out what you really want. Do you subconsciously see something in them that might be a problem in a relationship (gf or marriage)? Do you exude vibes to that effect? Do you let them know who you are at an appropriate time (early?) or do you hesitate? Picture yourself being married to the person; do you note any problems?

Some women/men are better at knowing how to get what they want out of the opposite sex (this usually has to do with putting limits on what type of treatment they will tolerate in a relationship...or pursuing the other person more strongly than normal). Some spouses are very possessive and some are more lax about what they will tolerate. They don't waste their time (end it quickly) if they are not treated the way they want to treated in a relationship.

Go visit an upscale, independent living, senior citizen center. Find an elderly woman who still looks like she does a good job at putting herself together - and ask her (or a few of them) how to get a man to want to be your bf or marry you. (Ask her...besides not letting them "get the milk for free" - what else works)? Make sure you still get someone who is mentally sharp.

It might help to take the Keirsey /Myers Briggs Temperament test and discover what temperaments would be your best match. Test is here: Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology Descriptions are here: Keirsey Temperament Website - Overview of the Four Temperaments

I would like to know how many men or women have ever been in a relationship like you describe and have had it change to one like you envision. (But that would be hijacking the thread, wouldn't it). I believe men and women who are actively seeking a gf or marriage relationship behave differently from very early on in the relationship.

Tell her....men. Read the book.

[stormpsyche]

Here's another thought. Although I do not know who is counting, I have heard (on research programs) something to the effect that for 1 out of 10 babies, the father is not who everyone thinks is the father (not the husband in the marriage). Maybe it is all about, "survival of the fittest" and natural selection for procreation....and similar concepts.

[danas]

Last night I was so hurt.
Even suicidal. I just didnt see the point of it all.I cried so hard. I wrote him a letter of how I couldnt handle this (but didnt send)
I fell asleep and had a long sleep. Woke up at exactly 11:11, with a new song in my heart. Suddenly I felt revealed that he is out of my life! So I guess I have a strong base, I cannot be broken so easily...

Friends told me not to meet him. Almost begged me. But I am not the type who can say no to a man I love... But now at least I made it clear that I dont want him to contact me...
Now he is out. Not even my FB friend. I made it clear, I didnt make I seen. I said contact me only if you want the real thing. I know that wont ever happen. So I wont be hearing from him. Which is GOOD!

[danas]

Originally Posted by seeker5

There are a number of ways to remove a limiting belief. You can try Byron Kathie's The Works (google it, it's free on a website), or use Angel Meditation (Life Regression Guided Meditation) by Louise Hay or get NLP Coaching (via skype/call) by NLP coaches. At least two members of this forum are NLP Coaches (Ssandra and Angela). You can ask either of them for what their NLP limiting belief removal coaching rates are. Ssandra used NLP coaching a week or so ago to help remove a firmly implanted limiting belief of mine that was really hindering me a tremendous amount. If you have some money to spend, I'd say the NLP coaching is the fastest/easiest way. Otherwise for do-it-yourself try the other methods. There are also a number of other ways to remove a limiting belief and in truth, removing the limiting belief isn't the hard part.

The hard part is becoming very clear what the limiting belief and recognizing it as a limiting belief. You need to figure out what it is before you can remove it.

I didn't intuitively feel you had hit it on the nail in your response to me exactly what your limiting belief was. You were getting closer, but not quite there. Your subsequent response seemed closer to it.

Would you say that you believe that love is painful? That if you allow yourself to love and be loved you would suffer pain?

*hug*

Yup I work with Byron Katie a lot. Its always helpful
I worked with a personal NLP practitioner for 10 intense sessions.
It was helpful in the end and I think a lot has improved.
Yet maybe a few more sessions is a good idea

[danas]

Originally Posted by stormpsyche

Go get the book, "He's Just Not Into You" and read it a few times.

Men who want to have a relationship...and are considering getting married (to you) will behave much differently than what you have described.

Some women attract that type of relationship all the time. Men recognize there is something about the woman that makes the man not interested in a gf or marriage relationship - but they "cannot resist" the sex. Some women are the same way. Some stay single so they can have more than one type of relationship.

Some married people realize they are still missing something in their relationship so they look for someone else to fill the void. The interesting part of this is that they decided the person they did not want to commit to.. would not work out in a committed relationship - and chose someone else who did not totally fit the bill either.

The person they married may be easier to live with (which has to do with comfort level - do they feel like they always have to be on their best behavior around you or can they relax like they want to do at their own home - can they be themself around you, wear scrubby clothes?) ..or the current spouse or gf (or bf) may be great at something they need - like running the household, presenting well to business associates, keeping the house organized/neat, raising children, shopping, whatever else is important to the spouse.

Remember the adage, "Most people live lives of quiet desperation?"

Now you have to figure out what you really want. Do you subconsciously see something in them that might be a problem in a relationship (gf or marriage)? Do you exude vibes to that effect? Do you let them know who you are at an appropriate time (early?) or do you hesitate? Picture yourself being married to the person; do you note any problems?

Some women/men are better at knowing how to get what they want out of the opposite sex (this usually has to do with putting limits on what type of treatment they will tolerate in a relationship...or pursuing the other person more strongly than normal). Some spouses are very possessive and some are more lax about what they will tolerate. They don't waste their time (end it quickly) if they are not treated the way they want to treated in a relationship.

Go visit an upscale, independent living, senior citizen center. Find an elderly woman who still looks like she does a good job at putting herself together - and ask her (or a few of them) how to get a man to want to be your bf or marry you. (Ask her...besides not letting them "get the milk for free" - what else works)? Make sure you still get someone who is mentally sharp.

It might help to take the Keirsey /Myers Briggs Temperament test and discover what temperaments would be your best match. Test is here: Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology Descriptions are here: Keirsey Temperament Website - Overview of the Four Temperaments

I would like to know how many men or women have ever been in a relationship like you describe and have had it change to one like you envision. (But that would be hijacking the thread, wouldn't it). I believe men and women who are actively seeking a gf or marriage relationship behave differently from very early on in the relationship.

Tell her....men. Read the book.

You know what? Your post helped me see why he couldnt be in a relationship with me. Even though he loves me finds me attractive and intelligent (his words)
Its because
a) Im 37. (hes 34) His current and previous GFs are in their early 20s. He knows I want to marry and start a family and he is in no way ready for that.
b)Im a few steps ahead of him in my career (and we have in the same career). I of course dont mind this at all, but I think he does mind. Makes him feel inferior.
So in other words Im too much for him to handle. I need a guy who is strong enough and ready ready.

[James81]

You are not attracting unavailable men. You are attracted TO unavailable men. The question is...why?

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

You are not attracting unavailable men. You are attracted TO unavailable men. The question is...why?

Yes. As much as I dont want to admit it, as it makes no sense considering that I reallydo want a relationship, this does seem to be a pattern....

Why?
I dont know.
Im letting my thoughts flow here...
Maybe I am afraid of commitment. But I am totally committed. To my friends, to my family, to my work. In other words Im committed where its safe to be committed.
Maybe Im afraid Ill get bored.

Or, more likely, as seeker5 mentioned:

Would you say that you believe that love is painful? That if you allow yourself to love and be loved you would suffer pain?

Maybe Im really afraid to get hurt. If its not a commitment then maybe I feel like I wont get hurt. Because the last time I was really really committed, I got hurt so badly. But I still do get hurt, BIGTIME.

Its like I see the warning signs, I tell myself OK, you know this wont work, but then they somehow convince me to get close to them with their lust for my body, and after a while I give in. After all we click on so many other levels...
I give my heart, even before I give my body... I usually give my body too. It becomes unstoppable.
And then Im still very aware that this wont work, but Im now in it. I desire them, and they still lust for my body. My passion, their passion. It becomes a drama. heartbreaks. goodbyes. etc...

Now I must figure out how to change this.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by danas

Maybe Im really afraid to get hurt. If its not a commitment then maybe I feel like I wont get hurt. Because the last time I was really really committed, I got hurt so badly. But I still do get hurt, BIGTIME.

Of course you get hurt; you are choosing hurt at a deeply unconscious level. you chose it a long time ago, and that choice is so deep background that it occurs like *reality.* (Do a search by your name and the word "hurt" - you've been describing the hurt of relationships here since 2006.) All of your actions are correlate with how the world occurs, including:

Its like I see the warning signs, I tell myself OK, you know this wont work, but then they somehow convince me to get close to them with their lust for my body, and after a while I give in. After all we click on so many other levels...
I give my heart, even before I give my body... I usually give my body too. It becomes unstoppable.
And then Im still very aware that this wont work, but Im now in it. I desire them, and they still lust for my body. My passion, their passion. It becomes a drama. heartbreaks. goodbyes. etc...

Perfect, for someone who issued a command to herself, probably around age 3 or 4, like or "This won't work." You've programmed yourself to create situation after situation in which to play out that command. Everybody's got one, by the way, not just you. Mine is "I'm trapped." And perfectly correlate with THAT reality has been my setting up relationships and other situations in which I constantly feel a need to "get the hell out."

Now I must figure out how to change this.

STOP It!!!!!!

Nah, just kidding. As seeker5 mentioned, a good first step is identifying what exactly that decision is - although it's shouting to be heard, you've said it several times -- and seeing it for the ghost of a thought in a child's head that it is.

[James81]

Originally Posted by danas

Yes. As much as I dont want to admit it, as it makes no sense considering that I reallydo want a relationship, this does seem to be a pattern....

Why?
I dont know.
Im letting my thoughts flow here...
Maybe I am afraid of commitment. But I am totally committed. To my friends, to my family, to my work. In other words Im committed where its safe to be committed.
Maybe Im afraid Ill get bored.

I believe you when you say you want a relationship. I don't think this is something you're choosing with your logical mind though. Like you KNOW what you want (in your head), but your desires/body/whatever is telling you you want something else. (This is what you see around here being called "unconscious" desires.) It's the part of you that says "Hey, this feels good! Let me do it!" even if your mind is saying "This is a mistake and I know it's a mistake."

And the reasoning for that is because throughout your life, you've been making decisions about how to process and deal with the world. You haven't been aware that you've been doing this, but your mind automatically does it. You filter, delete, distort, and process every experience you have in a way that makes sense to you given what you already know. And, in that process, you set up thought patterns (unconscious ones...i.e. ones that you aren't aware are even running) that drive the way you feel about certain experiences. We do this to cope mostly...to survive. And we do it in moments in which our emotions are heightened.

And the reason why your regular, normal, adult-like thoughts aren't *taking* is because it's not an emotional experience for you. It takes a real emotional experience to get deep enough into an already established unconscious pattern to change it.

Originally Posted by danas

Maybe Im really afraid to get hurt. If its not a commitment then maybe I feel like I wont get hurt. Because the last time I was really really committed, I got hurt so badly. But I still do get hurt, BIGTIME.

Its like I see the warning signs, I tell myself OK, you know this wont work, but then they somehow convince me to get close to them with their lust for my body, and after a while I give in. After all we click on so many other levels...
I give my heart, even before I give my body... I usually give my body too. It becomes unstoppable.
And then Im still very aware that this wont work, but Im now in it. I desire them, and they still lust for my body. My passion, their passion. It becomes a drama. heartbreaks. goodbyes. etc...

Now I must figure out how to change this.

How to change it would be take a look at how you set the original pattern in the first place. The thoughts you believe about yourself, about the world, about relationships and how they relate mostly to your early childhood experiences (which is where a lot of this stuff gets set). We are originally *taught* how to process the world by authority figures in our youth. And most peeps never really come back and re-examine them for fear that the things they are believing about themselves might be true (bad things).

And once you have a good, clear, emotional reason for why you are choosing unavailable men, you can begin to see that it IS a choice (albeit an unconscious one) and you can "change" it by searching for newer, more powerful, more inspiring possibility.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Angela

Of course you get hurt; you are choosing hurt at a deeply unconscious level. you chose it a long time ago, and that choice is so deep background that it occurs like *reality.* (Do a search by your name and the word "hurt" - you've been describing the hurt of relationships here since 2006.)

Sad but true, and if this forum was up since 1996 it would be the same.


[QUOTE=Angela;852966]Perfect, for someone who issued a command to herself, probably around age 3 or 4, like or "This won't work." You've programmed yourself to create situation after situation in which to play out that command. Everybody's got one, by the way, not just you. Mine is "I'm trapped." And perfectly correlate with THAT reality has been my setting up relationships and other situations in which I constantly feel a need to "get the hell out."

Maybe mine is- "This wont last.", "Real love is not possible for me" or simply "Love hurts"

it's shouting to be heard, you've said it several times -- and seeing it for the ghost of a thought in a child's head that it is.

Could you point it out to me?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by danas

Could you point it out to me?

I did! In my STOP IT! post -- in bold. I think it is so very deeply unconscious for you, it didn't even register -- that's how these commands work.

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

I believe you when you say you want a relationship. I don't think this is something you're choosing with your logical mind though. Like you KNOW what you want (in your head), but your desires/body/whatever is telling you you want something else. (This is what you see around here being called "unconscious" desires.) It's the part of you that says "Hey, this feels good! Let me do it!" even if your mind is saying "This is a mistake and I know it's a mistake."

And the reasoning for that is because throughout your life, you've been making decisions about how to process and deal with the world. You haven't been aware that you've been doing this, but your mind automatically does it. You filter, delete, distort, and process every experience you have in a way that makes sense to you given what you already know. And, in that process, you set up thought patterns (unconscious ones...i.e. ones that you aren't aware are even running) that drive the way you feel about certain experiences. We do this to cope mostly...to survive. And we do it in moments in which our emotions are heightened.

And the reason why your regular, normal, adult-like thoughts aren't *taking* is because it's not an emotional experience for you. It takes a real emotional experience to get deep enough into an already established unconscious pattern to change it.





How to change it would be take a look at how you set the original pattern in the first place. The thoughts you believe about yourself, about the world, about relationships and how they relate mostly to your early childhood experiences (which is where a lot of this stuff gets set). We are originally *taught* how to process the world by authority figures in our youth. And most peeps never really come back and re-examine them for fear that the things they are believing about themselves might be true (bad things).

And once you have a good, clear, emotional reason for why you are choosing unavailable men, you can begin to see that it IS a choice (albeit an unconscious one) and you can "change" it by searching for newer, more powerful, more inspiring possibility.

hmm... I keep re reading this. Not sure I get it
But Im thinking as a small child I was in hospital a lot. I lived there for a few years and was constantly touched and carried around by male doctors doing all kinds of experiences with my body. Med classes would come in and check me out... maybe I became addicted to the attention.... I remember liking the attention then. Even though I was in a lot of physical pain. But I did like constantly being told how brave I was....

But I also think theres a basic insecurity. Which is mixed with self love and confidence.
For instance a friend recently said- everyone is a little insecure- except you- I dont know how you do it but you're the most confident woman I know
But the guys I like know how this isnt true. They see how totally insecure I can be.
The confidence is maybe bc I know how to survive and adjust to any circumstance. Plus I seem to be attractive to the other sex, and people in general like my company and seek it, and Ive had a good amount of success at what I do.
But when it comes to love- thats a zone I dont enter.
I dont know how to handle.
Its like Im just way to complicated for love.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Angela

I did! In my STOP IT! post -- in bold. I think it is so very deeply unconscious for you, it didn't even register -- that's how these commands work.

No, it did register. "This wont work"
Was just making sure there wasnt something else...

"This wont work"
as it never did so far in my experience. Never did work...Ive seen others around me that it has worked for them. but not for me.

Im too much. Too emotional. too different. too smart/complex/problematic
I want too much.

[James81]

Originally Posted by danas

Its like Im just way to complicated for love.

That's quite interesting, dontcha think?

I mean, if you are believing that you are way too complicated for love, then doesn't it make sense that you would seek out people who will give you the attention ("you're so brave") without having to commit to you?

I mean, a girl's gotta get her "needs" met, right? I'm sure you, like the rest of us, haven't shut off your desire for sex, attention, affection, etc. Yet, love itself...that's a little too far. It's a little too complicated and tricky.

So, you see how that might be one reason why you find yourself focusing on and being attracted to guys who are unavailable?

If you can see that much, then you can begin to ask yourself why you think you're too complicated for love. The rabbit hole goes deeper (deeper than you think ), and, well, once you start down the dark path...

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

That's quite interesting, dontcha think?

I mean, if you are believing that you are way too complicated for love, then doesn't it make sense that you would seek out people who will give you the attention ("you're so brave") without having to commit to you?

I mean, a girl's gotta get her "needs" met, right? I'm sure you, like the rest of us, haven't shut off your desire for sex, attention, affection, etc. Yet, love itself...that's a little too far. It's a little too complicated and tricky.

So, you see how that might be one reason why you find yourself focusing on and being attracted to guys who are unavailable?

If you can see that much, then you can begin to ask yourself why you think you're too complicated for love. The rabbit hole goes deeper (deeper than you think ), and, well, once you start down the dark path...

Well thinking about it I guess Im afraid of being too needy.
Being needy is being a burden. Its wrong, bad, low.
So Ive become super independent, & self sufficient
but once Im in a relationship I become needy. So I get involved with men who make it clear- I cannot give you what you need. And Im like: that's great because I dont want to need anything anything. Needing is wrong.

But it doesnt work that way. My needs wiggle their way through nevertheless.
And then I get hurt that my needs were not met nor respected...

[James81]

Originally Posted by danas

Well thinking about it I guess Im afraid of being too needy.
Being needy is being a burden. Its wrong, bad, low.
So Ive become super independent, & self sufficient
but once Im in a relationship I become needy. So I get involved with men who make it clear- I cannot give you what you need. And Im like: that's great because I dont want to need anything anything. Needing is wrong.

But it doesnt work that way. My needs wiggle their way through nevertheless.
And then I get hurt that my needs were not met nor respected...

Yeah, I can relate to that. It's like you become a different person in a relationship, no? And, while you really desire a relationship, you're afraid of the person you become IN that relationship. So, rather than face that person, you avoid relationships altogether. But, you have certain needs that you want met, so you can't avoid the opposite sex altogether. So, you pursue people who are unavailable because there's some value in the pursuit.

What are your needs and why aren't they being met?

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

Yeah, I can relate to that. It's like you become a different person in a relationship, no? And, while you really desire a relationship, you're afraid of the person you become IN that relationship. So, rather than face that person, you avoid relationships altogether. But, you have certain needs that you want met, so you can't avoid the opposite sex altogether. So, you pursue people who are unavailable because there's some value in the pursuit.

Yes.

Originally Posted by James81

What are your needs and why aren't they being met?

My needs are for consistency and commitment. My needs are to build something long term.
My needs are knowing they are in this with me. That they wont just leave.

My other needs such as playfulness, deep and meaningful discussions, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, warmth and sex - were being met. Just it always feels so temporary. Like its not long term. And its not...

[James81]

Originally Posted by danas

Yes.


My needs are for consistency and commitment. My needs are to build something long term.
My needs are knowing they are in this with me. That they wont just leave.

My other needs such as playfulness, deep and meaningful discussions, intimacy, intellectual stimulation, warmth and sex - were being met. Just it always feels so temporary. Like its not long term. And its not...

You recognize that your needs for consistency and commitment and stability are the ones that aren't being met. And the more they aren't met, the more clingy and needy you become, no?

Whatever you've done in the past has consistently not gotten you those needs met either, have they?

What will consistency and commitment and stability in a relationship ultimately bring you?

[jinkster]

thanks for sharing danas.

while reading through i am relating very closely and am appreciating the insight from other readers. some tough questions and realizations coming out here with regards to the neediness and how strange it is that i am so attracted to these unavailable men...

in my desire for something long term and while trying to decide if it's safe or "if they will just leave me", i think i might push too hard and drive men away. this pattern is not an easy one to crack!

when friends and family tell me i should stop seeing him/these types i find it very difficult. even when it's clear i'm not getting what i want. and pretty obviously it's not going to change. good for you for being stronger!

[danas]

Originally Posted by James81

What will consistency and commitment and stability in a relationship ultimately bring you?

Peace. Joy. Quietness. Excitement. Growth. Partnership

Yes, I know how to attain these on my own. I have a lot of loving supportive friends. I have a beautiful & peaceful place to live and and Im about to go get a massage
Like I said, Im very self sufficient ....
So its not as simple as get those things for yourself before seeking it from others, if thats what you were gonna say...

[danas]

Originally Posted by jinkster

thanks for sharing danas.

while reading through i am relating very closely and am appreciating the insight from other readers. some tough questions and realizations coming out here with regards to the neediness and how strange it is that i am so attracted to these unavailable men...

in my desire for something long term and while trying to decide if it's safe or "if they will just leave me", i think i might push too hard and drive men away. this pattern is not an easy one to crack!

when friends and family tell me i should stop seeing him/these types i find it very difficult. even when it's clear i'm not getting what i want. and pretty obviously it's not going to change. good for you for being stronger!

Im glad this has somehow been helpful to you. I know it has been for me!
I am not as strong as Id like to be in saying no. I want to change that though.
I really do. I hope this last guy was really the end of this type.
Like I wrote Im proud of myself for speaking up and asking for the truth, even if I dont like it.
I need bluntness for a message to get through