Attracting unavailable men

[James81]

Originally Posted by danas

Peace. Joy. Quietness. Excitement. Growth. Partnership

Yes, I know how to attain these on my own. I have a lot of loving supportive friends. I have a beautiful & peaceful place to live and and Im about to go get a massage
Like I said, Im very self sufficient ....
So its not as simple as get those things for yourself before seeking it from others, if thats what you were gonna say...

You can get partnership on your own????

Ok, I'm just messing with you. (But please tell me how you do that! )

Maybe you have trouble letting others fulfill those needs for you. Maybe you're TOO self sufficient. I know that can be true for me. There was a time when I had become so self sufficient that it was unheard of to have someone help me. Moving back into my parents felt like death because I was reliquishing some of my "duties" to other people. And the first time my mom went into my room and did my laundry? I about had a conniption. (No, I never told her that, but I did notice how frustrated I was that she did it when I am capable of doing it myself.)

Maybe you have a little bit of that going on?

[C33]

I can totally relate to your experience.

I don't attract unavailable men as in married or with gfriends, because I ask right off the bat, but I certainly have had my share of men who are clearly unavailable for a relationship, but give the impression that they are.

For instance a friend recently said- everyone is a little insecure- except you- I dont know how you do it but you're the most confident woman I know
But the guys I like know how this isnt true. They see how totally insecure I can be.

There is something about a confident woman, that is doing well and taking good care of herself that makes a certain type of men attracted. You can bet your bottom that these guys' gf or wives don't have these qualities.

Also, because you are self sufficient, maybe they think you can deal with
anything, and that you are the "free" girl looking for "free" love.
Therefore, they don't even know they are breaking your heart, and when you show your fragile side, they don't get what has happened and run for the hill.

For these men: confident, strong, self-sufficient, sexy, lusty lady means 1- Trouble 2 -ultimate fantasy 3- not relationship material because looked as demanding in a relationship. You might demand that they get a better job, to match up your social position, that they have to meet your passionate needs, whether emotional or sexual.

For them, it' s such a vacation in passion-land, but they can't sustain the passion or make it cohabitate with love. They lie to you, but they also lie to themselves. I' m pretty sure this guy wouldn't keep you very i nterested in a relationship setting. He's just interesting because he is unavailable. Trust me.

I know people who broke their marriages to get hitched to their lover, only to find out that, the lover, once the excitement of secrecy gone, was just as boring as the husband/wife.

You need a courageous man with a lion heart, not a coward unable to meet your needs.

Yes it hurts! I agree: Read the book he's not that into you. It's a fun read.

Also, the person who will truly want to commit to you won't break your heart and make false promises. He will think you're a catch and won't ruin his chances at being with you.
Think of yourself as a catch.

[danas]

Originally Posted by C33

I can totally relate to your experience.

I don't attract unavailable men as in married or with gfriends, because I ask right off the bat, but I certainly have had my share of men who are clearly unavailable for a relationship, but give the impression that they are.



There is something about a confident woman, that is doing well and taking good care of herself that makes a certain type of men attracted. You can bet your bottom that these guys' gf or wives don't have these qualities.

Also, because you are self sufficient, maybe they think you can deal with
anything, and that you are the "free" girl looking for "free" love.
Therefore, they don't even know they are breaking your heart, and when you show your fragile side, they don't get what has happened and run for the hill.

For these men: confident, strong, self-sufficient, sexy, lusty lady means 1- Trouble 2 -ultimate fantasy 3- not relationship material because looked as demanding in a relationship. You might demand that they get a better job, to match up your social position, that they have to meet your passionate needs, whether emotional or sexual.

For them, it' s such a vacation in passion-land, but they can't sustain the passion or make it cohabitate with love. They lie to you, but they also lie to themselves. I' m pretty sure this guy wouldn't keep you very i nterested in a relationship setting. He's just interesting because he is unavailable. Trust me.

I know people who broke their marriages to get hitched to their lover, only to find out that, the lover, once the excitement of secrecy gone, was just as boring as the husband/wife.

You need a courageous man with a lion heart, not a coward unable to meet your needs.

Yes it hurts! I agree: Read the book he's not that into you. It's a fun read.

Also, the person who will truly want to commit to you won't break your heart and make false promises. He will think you're a catch and won't ruin his chances at being with you.
Think of yourself as a catch.

Yes, this is actually the 1st time I kissed a guy who had a gf. the rest were just emotionally unavailable for a relationship
And yes, a lot do think Im a free" girl looking for "free" love. But very soon they realize Im the complete opposite.

Originally Posted by James81

You can get partnership on your own????


Ok, I'm just messing with you. (But please tell me how you do that! )

I talk to myself

Maybe you have a little bit of that going on?

Yes and No.
Iam self sufficient, but I do ask for help. I was injured for 2 month recently and couldnt do anything alone. Everyone was serving me and I asked for help from everyone. Also now I moved to a new place and I asked for help

[danas]

I just had a breakthrough. I went to yoga class (after about a year) and in the end I had this vision of me with this very hot sexy, creative guy who was crazy in love with me. He was proud to be with me. He wanted the world to know Im his girl.
BUT I realized that the danas he was with was not me. There is huge gap between us. I am not yet this woman. This woman really loves herself, she doesnt give a damn what others think, shes sexy, kind warm and assertive and full of confidence.
Not me. yet.

Heres the real revelation I just had:
When I was a kid I became handicapped in some way. Now this didnt bother me so much & no one made a big deal out of it, and in fact I was proud I had something special about me.
But then we moved... We moved to a country where everyone must belong and be equal and being different was simply wrong and unacceptable.

I was 10 and I was given a very clear message from all my teachers and my peers: Yes, they know Im different, but this is wrong.
I must cover it, hide it. And when asked simply deny it.
I felt like it was really my fault.
For years until I was 20 this is exactly what I did. I was ashamed to be who I was, because I was given the message that I must be ashamed. Its just not right.
The guy who changed this for me was a boyfriend. He was the hottest coolest guy in the whole city and he was fell madly in love with ME. he convinced me that I was fine and theres nothing to be ashamed of.

Nowadays I dont cover it/hide it or deny it, I talk about it freely when asked, amd of course this never stopped the guys being attracted to me.
Yet still, deep inside I still hold the belief that this makes me inferior. That this is my fault and Im simply a lower human being. Not like everyone else.
Now of course my mind knows different. But my heart still holds this deep belief at some levels.
I just realized this now, in yoga class. I feel like this is huge step in the right direction. I have find out HOW exactly I am going to become that danas I saw.

[vartann]

Originally Posted by danas

Me this guy, we have a strong love/chemical connection. Thats obvious to both of us.
We were together for about 6 month but it was never exclusive. He didnt want that. so we ended it and I left town
While I was away he gave me some promises (like that hes gonna come see me), which he never kept and I cut all contact with him ( I was totally heartbroken and cried for weeks). He tried contacting me telling me how he thinks of me, but I kept my cool and my distance.

6 months later Im back in town. He found out and asked to meet me for coffee. I was hesitant.
I dreamt he had a gf.
I met him anyway and promised myself not to touch him. Strictly friends. Well we finally met after 6 months and as usual, it was amazing. We have an amazing connection. It feels like love. He was flirting but I did nothing in return. After I left he wrote how amazing it was to see me.
A week past. He kept texting and asking to meet.
Today we met again. After some time I couldnt resist, he started hugging me and kissing me... I love him. I couldnt stop myself after a certain point. We made out passionately.
I remembered my dream and asked if he had a gf. He said yes and this is the first time he's cheated on her.Then why the hell was he doing this??
I dont know he said. Your body is asking to be touched, I cannot not touch you.
(This is EXACTLY what the last guy I was with said, when I asked why he was trying to kiss and touch me if wasnt available.)
He said he loves my mind and my body and our amazing connection. but he cant be exclusive with me. I said "call me if things change" and left.
He said "cant we just be friends then?" I didnt reply. I left
Only moments ago I was having an amazing orgasm.
Strange.
So what do I do? I feel hurt.
I feel his familiar energy all over me yet I know I mustnt meet him again if I want a real relationship
Although I feel devastated if I think Ill never see him again. . Even as a friend ....

I keep attracting unavailable guys who find my body and mind irresistible, but do not want to be my boyfriends.
I want to end of this pattern. Problem is these are guys I have so much in common with (which is not that common for me to find). And very strong mutual attraction to.
I wish I knew how to stop this. Change it. Suggestions...?

Zen Koan formulation:
"I am not available but I am available - who am I ?."
Zen Koan answer:
"I am Vartann"

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