boyfriend does not contact me for days

[BellyGirl]

seems to be the pattern.

he never calls. only send text msgs. and no news from him for 3 or 4 days. and suddenly, a msg from him goes "how are u dear?"

i reply.

then no news from him again for a few days.

then he asks me out.

we meet on average once a week only.

he's good and respectful to me. he is gentle, does acts of service for me. he is also respectful to my friends. Sex is great with him and he hugs me in sleep, and he always ends our dates with a kiss on my forehead and a smile on his face.

i guess he does care for me. i feel there's some trust involved because he asked me to help him take a call on his phone once, he asked me to leave my toiletries in his home, and he has just started to interact a little on my facebook. he does not talk very much, but he has confided in me about his work stress. i don't think he is dating anyone else. if he does, i don't think he would have told me, "don't ever tell me if u get invovled with another guy. i can be very possessive, i may not be able to control my anger."

but i kinda feel bothered that i don't hear from him for days and that we only meet once a week (i must acknowledge that the date is long and last as long as 24 hours, cos i spend the night at his place and we have dinner or brunch together)

i don't understand how i am girlfriend, if there is so little contact. i believe in quaity time and quality communication. sharing of lives as well.

i am not restricting him. i let him have a lot of freedom and i am very busy with my own life. but i thought it is courtesy in a couple to have frequent contact. i don't want to end up being the chaser between us. it's the guy who is supposed to initiate contact right?

we have only dated 2 mths plus. and the way i see it, our frequencies are going down. we used to meet every 3-5 days. now it's every 8 days.
i thought we are supposed to be in honey moon period.... but it feels like we are settling into laidback stable and "light" relationship. i can't feel "intensity" in our relationship.

am i setting my expectation too high? or is there someting wrong in the relationship?

[freddy]

Why don't you ask him these questions. Maybe he looking at it from the angle of friends with benifits with you. Call him and ask.

[DerfVersus]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

seems to be the pattern.

he never calls. only send text msgs. and no news from him for 3 or 4 days. and suddenly, a msg from him goes "how are u dear?"

i reply.

then no news from him again for a few days.

then he asks me out.

we meet on average once a week only.

he's good and respectful to me. he is gentle, does acts of service for me. he is also respectful to my friends. Sex is great with him and he hugs me in sleep, and he always ends our dates with a kiss on my forehead and a smile on his face.

i guess he does care for me. i feel there's some trust involved because he asked me to help him take a call on his phone once, he asked me to leave my toiletries in his home, and he has just started to interact a little on my facebook. he does not talk very much, but he has confided in me about his work stress. i don't think he is dating anyone else. if he does, i don't think he would have told me, "don't ever tell me if u get invovled with another guy. i can be very possessive, i may not be able to control my anger."

but i kinda feel bothered that i don't hear from him for days and that we only meet once a week (i must acknowledge that the date is long and last as long as 24 hours, cos i spend the night at his place and we have dinner or brunch together)

i don't understand how i am girlfriend, if there is so little contact. i believe in quaity time and quality communication. sharing of lives as well.

i am not restricting him. i let him have a lot of freedom and i am very busy with my own life. but i thought it is courtesy in a couple to have frequent contact. i don't want to end up being the chaser between us. it's the guy who is supposed to initiate contact right?

we have only dated 2 mths plus. and the way i see it, our frequencies are going down. we used to meet every 3-5 days. now it's every 8 days.
i thought we are supposed to be in honey moon period.... but it feels like we are settling into laidback stable and "light" relationship. i can't feel "intensity" in our relationship.

am i setting my expectation too high? or is there someting wrong in the relationship?

i was in a long distance relationship for two years and can spot them a mile away most of the time. how far away does he live?

can i ask how old the two of you are? why don't you meet more often? there seems to be a lot of unknown here. it also seems like you both would like to be more serious but you aren't. hmm. sorry about all the questions=/

[MichaelAnthonyVet]

I've had a few friends like that. Some people just prefer to text instead of call. And some people, especially guys, just need their own time, time to themselves. And only meeting once a week isn't that bad, it all depends on what stage you are in your relationship. If I was only dating someone for a few months, I'd only expect to meet up with them once a week, and only talk on the phone a few times every week.

I only see my girlfriend a few times a week and we don't talk every day on the phone.

[faithsdaddy]

I think a lot also depends on you and what you want from the relationship. I would say that if you want more contact and he doesn't, that you shouldn't try to change him. This is the sort of aspect of blokes that does not easily undergo change.

I'm a bloke who likes plenty of alone time, so I can relate- to a point. If I was only seeing someone once a week (never happened), then I would not be ok with it and it would be 'cut' time for me. But that's me.

It could simply be a compatibility issue, rather than a particular problem.

[Tanja]

Well, we can all tell you different things but at the end of the day it's better to bring this up with him. Even if he feels similar way to what MichaelAnthonyVet describes, and you feel you want more contact, you could both agree to meet each other half way?

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

i guess he does care for me. i feel there's some trust involved because he asked me to help him take a call on his phone once, he asked me to leave my toiletries in his home, and he has just started to interact a little on my facebook. he does not talk very much, but he has confided in me about his work stress. i don't think he is dating anyone else. if he does, i don't think he would have told me, "don't ever tell me if u get invovled with another guy. i can be very possessive, i may not be able to control my anger."

....

or is there someting wrong in the relationship?

Am I the only one that this rings warning bells for? Surely not??

I would look closely not only at his suggestion that he "might not be able to control" his anger, but EVEN MORE CLOSELY at the fact that you equate possesiveness with "i guess he does care for me". This is a *very dangerous* combination. Why do you feel that his anger over someone else having you equals caring?

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

it's the guy who is supposed to initiate contact right?

Well first of all I would say drop this idea. It won't help you at all because it will just keep you from making a move when you want to.

Secondly, I would say that even though he doesn't contact you frequently, he still may be very very interested in you. With my last girlfriend, I remember her telling me once that it bothered her that I never was the one to call her. Well, in my mind I hadn't even realized that this was bothering her, because she was always the one to call me almost every day and I was perfectly happy with that and loved talking to her. But really she probably contacted me 10 times for every 1 time I initiated contact with her, but I was still madly in love with her and just didn't realize that she wanted me to call her more.

So, there's that. He may just not realize that you want him to contact you more.

But thirdly, I would say that yes, only seeing each other once a week or less is definitely annoying! Maybe tell him that you would like to see him more often? Or do something to let him know how you feel. And make it obvious, because just dropping tiny hints that you think are obvious is not the way to get a point across to a man.

In all probability, the only two logical reasons I see for his lack of contact is that 1) he doesn't realize it is bothering you and he is just going along with how things have been, or 2) he wants to take things slowly and would be bothered if you sped things up.

I would say #1 is more likely though.

[seeker5]

He may not be someone who likes to have a lot of communication with his girlfriend.

If you want a relationship with a man in which you communicate daily, and this man does not want a relationship in which he communicates at the same frequency you want, then you have a mismatch. You guys may love each other, but it's probably best that you guys move on to find someone more compatible communication wise.

[metamorph]

How much interest does he show in your life (what bothers you; what happened to you that week...)? It may be that he honestly cares about you, but has other priorities (work, degree, hobbies?).

Or.... he is dating multiple women at the same time....

[TonyToneTone]

He's playing you or using you for sex.

[danas]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

He's playing you or using you for sex.

Yup. red flags

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by danas

Yup. red flags

I doubt so.

Cos we go out shopping, movies together. He has also come for social event and met my friends. I have a guyfriend who used to be a player, who talked to him, then assured me, "he's not a player". he knows his own kind. I have a 2nd guy friend who talked to him too, and told me, "where did u get to know him? He is a very nice guy."

An ex-boyfriend searched out my boyfriend's profile on facebook. Then he told me, "your boyfriend has a kindly face. You can keep this guy."

It's a surprise to me that this guy has so much support from people who care about me!

My boyfriend has also brought me to his colleagues' new year dinner, and has introduced me to his collleagues, and landlord. once we dropped by at his work place too. so i feel he's open about us.

[adambenedetto]

It would help you if you did ask in a direct way about what he wants and how he sees the relationship. You and your feelings are very important. It is your life. It is your right to ask and communicate what you feel. If you are concerned about his temper, then that is a red flag like other people have mentioned. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. I am sure he does care about you but how he is acting is about where he is as a person at this moment. People change when they choose to. The relationship changing is dependent on you two changing by choice.

The relationship may coast like this for a long time. It is up to you if that is okay with you. Ask yourself if this relationship truly gives you what you need. It is okay to be honest about it because it will only help you both in the end.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by DerfVersus

i was in a long distance relationship for two years and can spot them a mile away most of the time. how far away does he live?

can i ask how old the two of you are? why don't you meet more often? there seems to be a lot of unknown here. it also seems like you both would like to be more serious but you aren't. hmm. sorry about all the questions=/

i think you are right.

We have spoken about our relationship before. He told me he wants a "substantial" relationship, cos he realises that he has enough of "shallow relationships" to know they don't work. I also told him I want a monogamous relationship and he is alright with that. From our conversations, i know he is attracted to my intelligence and my maturity and inner strength.

This will be the first serious relationship i have since i met my ex husband 14 years ago. (my marriage was a codependent relationship. )

So this relationship may be the first proper relationship for both of us. so i think u may be right in that we both aren't sure how to deepen it and make it work.

it has already taken me a lot of courage and inner battles to overcome my fear of relationship , fear of trust , to bring this relationship to this level.

Every step of the relationship is a new test for me.

He's the one who initatiates or sets the dates. I always let him do so, cos i believe that it's the guy who does so. Am I wrong? Sometimes, i suggest activities "i want to watch Black Swan !!" "It's going to be my treat, to celebrate my (milestone)." "Shall we go for a walk along the river?"

I don't chase for earlier dates, cos i want to respect his space. i dun want to stifle him or chase him. he works shifts, so i dunno his schedule.

he's 33, i'm 35.

[danas]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

I doubt so.

Cos we go out shopping, movies together. He has also come for social event and met my friends. I have a guyfriend who used to be a player, who talked to him, then assured me, "he's not a player". he knows his own kind. I have a 2nd guy friend who talked to him too, and told me, "where did u get to know him? He is a very nice guy."

he has also brought me to his colleagues' new year dinner.

The best thing you can do is be direct. Guys give direct answers. I wouldve saved a lot of time and a lot of tears if I was more direct instead of looking for clues or online. Unless its very clear to you. But it doesnt seem like it is if you are asking these questions here.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by MichaelAnthonyVet

I've had a few friends like that. Some people just prefer to text instead of call. And some people, especially guys, just need their own time, time to themselves. And only meeting once a week isn't that bad, it all depends on what stage you are in your relationship. If I was only dating someone for a few months, I'd only expect to meet up with them once a week, and only talk on the phone a few times every week.

I only see my girlfriend a few times a week and we don't talk every day on the phone.

Meeting once a week isn't so bad. I would be quite ok with 3 times in two weeks.

I don't even need him to call. Just maybe one daily SMS.

I suspect that he is afraid of losing his freedom or personal space.

when i assured him, "it's ok to talk to girls. it's ok to have platonic lady friends.", i gained his trust and his body language became more open and affectionate.

i giuess i have to assure him that a daily sms isn't abt keeping tab on him?

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by danas

The best thing you can do is be direct. Guys give direct answers. I wouldve saved a lot of time and a lot of tears if I was more direct instead of looking for clues or online. Unless its very clear to you. But it doesnt seem like it is if you are asking these questions here.

i think i will ask him.

"when u said u want a substantial relationship, what do u mean by substantial? what about a substantial relationship fulfills you? "

then discuss with him, how i can contribute to his form of fufilling substantial relationship....

then i will tell him, what i need in my relationship, and tell him that i like more quality time and communication, cos they make me feel cared for. and then ask him how we can make it work such that we can hav emore communication and quality time together while he still keeps his freedom and space.

[danas]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

i think i will ask him.

"when u said u want a substantial relationship, what do u mean by substantial? what about a substantial relationship fulfills you? "

then discuss with him, how i can contribute to his form of fufilling substantial relationship....

then i will tell him, what i need in my relationship, and tell him that i like more quality time and communication, cos they make me feel cared for. and then ask him how we can make it work such that we can hav emore communication and quality time together while he still keeps his freedom and space.

Great idea!

[votoshka]

It sounds to me as if he's just a bit introverted, and probably likes to have plenty of alone time. I know that I can get overwhelmed spending too much time with anyone, even a guy I'm crazy about!!

I will say though, do you ever call him or text him first?? Sometimes you need to show your own initiative, rather than waiting for him, otherwise he'll feel the burden's always on him to initiate stuff. Maybe you'd see him more frequently if YOU asked him if he wanted to go out on a weeknight, for example. You've been going out with him for a couple of months now, so it's probably time you took the lead occasionally!

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by votoshka

It sounds to me as if he's just a bit introverted, and probably likes to have plenty of alone time. I know that I can get overwhelmed spending too much time with anyone, even a guy I'm crazy about!!

I will say though, do you ever call him or text him first?? Sometimes you need to show your own initiative, rather than waiting for him, otherwise he'll feel the burden's always on him to initiate stuff. Maybe you'd see him more frequently if YOU asked him if he wanted to go out on a weeknight, for example. You've been going out with him for a couple of months now, so it's probably time you took the lead occasionally!

He is extroverted. He likes to meet people and joke with them.

Yeah, I do text him first. But I always throw the phone aside after that and kick myself and feel all jittery.

I initiate ideas on what to do for our dates. "Shall we see Black Swan?" But I wait for him to fix the date. Cos I don't wish to disturb him. He works shifts, so I don't know his timings.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

He is extroverted. He likes to meet people and joke with them.

Yeah, I do text him first. But I always throw the phone aside after that and kick myself and feel all jittery.

I initiate ideas on what to do for our dates. "Shall we see Black Swan?" But I wait for him to fix the date. Cos I don't wish to disturb him. He works shifts, so I don't know his timings.

Extroversion and introversion aren't all about whether or not a person likes to meet people and go out. An introvert can be quite "social" but does like to spend time alone in order to sort of "recharge". Now, I don't know if that would describe your bf or not, but it's worth considering. What does he do when he's not with you??

If he's spending time alone when not with you, then he could just be getting a bit of space. If he's spending time with other people, though, it's a different matter.

I find it interesting that he hasn't discussed his shifts and stuff with you, too. I sort of imagine most couples (most possibly not all) would know each other's timetables, at least a little bit. It sounds to me as if you probably do just need to sit down and talk with him and discuss where your relationship is headed.

[freddy]

as votoshka post suggest. Give him a call if he is busy working. leave a message on voice mail. As a guy I always enjoyed getting a text or phone call from any girl I was interested in. Be more direct in asking what times his work hours are. It will show you are interested and most everyone likes to tell things about what they do. Make some bold moves in dating. Times have changed in the way it use to be. If you want something throw it out there. Worst he can say is no. Better to know early than years down the road if this will work out for what you want. Right.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Extroversion and introversion aren't all about whether or not a person likes to meet people and go out. An introvert can be quite "social" but does like to spend time alone in order to sort of "recharge". Now, I don't know if that would describe your bf or not, but it's worth considering. What does he do when he's not with you??

If he's spending time alone when not with you, then he could just be getting a bit of space. If he's spending time with other people, though, it's a different matter.

I find it interesting that he hasn't discussed his shifts and stuff with you, too. I sort of imagine most couples (most possibly not all) would know each other's timetables, at least a little bit. It sounds to me as if you probably do just need to sit down and talk with him and discuss where your relationship is headed.

he's told me about his shift patterns, and it changes every week. Even he cannot remember his work times and has to keep referring to his given schedule by his hospital. (he's an emergency dr) He meets me when he has no night or evening shift.

It appears to me that he has spends his time alone, but i know sometimes he meets his fellow doctors too.

Hm... where can a relationship head ? What do people talk about when they ask where is the relationship headed?

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by freddy

as votoshka post suggest. Give him a call if he is busy working. leave a message on voice mail. As a guy I always enjoyed getting a text or phone call from any girl I was interested in. Be more direct in asking what times his work hours are. It will show you are interested and most everyone likes to tell things about what they do. Make some bold moves in dating. Times have changed in the way it use to be. If you want something throw it out there. Worst he can say is no. Better to know early than years down the road if this will work out for what you want. Right.

i did msg him sometimes. most of the times i get response, but sometimes i don't. i fear that he's starting to put down his oars and hope that i'll pick up the oars to row the boat. well, that's my fear, cos i can feel things are slowing down... he's not the enthusiastic energetic bunny when he first met me, and now he's starting to show a lot of seriousness, tiredness and maybe stress. is that his real self or has the job start to eat into him?

[spacecadetglow]

Like everyone else has been saying, just be direct with him. Tell him that your idea of an ideal relationship includes more contact and more closeness. Don't ask him to change because that's up to him, but the most you can do is to just let him know what you want. Then back off and see if he takes more action to fulfill that. If he really wants to be with you, he will, and if not... he's just not that into you. You deserve somebody who can't stand being apart from you! Don't shortchange yourself, woman. And please, don't give away all your empathy to him -- "he works bad hours, he needs his alone time" etc -- you won't have any left for yourself!

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by freddy

as votoshka post suggest. Give him a call if he is busy working. leave a message on voice mail. As a guy I always enjoyed getting a text or phone call from any girl I was interested in. Be more direct in asking what times his work hours are. It will show you are interested and most everyone likes to tell things about what they do. Make some bold moves in dating. Times have changed in the way it use to be. If you want something throw it out there. Worst he can say is no. Better to know early than years down the road if this will work out for what you want. Right.

Done.

We had an exchange on phone texting. He asked me, "how are u?"

i replied, "i'm in relaxed mood, no music teaching this week. you wanna join me in relaxing? :-) "

he said, "Oh, i see ! I chk schedule."

now waiting to see if he gets back to me.

*jitters*

To me, relationship is a lot of challenging my fears. I have fear of intimacy/abandonment/rejection/yadayada.

Keep challenging, girl....

[Angela]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

I have fear of intimacy/abandonment/rejection/yadayada.

Keep challenging, girl....

Very clever of you to pick an ER doctor to help you work through those fears! Excellent and very bold choice!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

Am I the only one that this rings warning bells for? Surely not??

I would look closely not only at his suggestion that he "might not be able to control" his anger, but EVEN MORE CLOSELY at the fact that you equate possesiveness with "i guess he does care for me". This is a *very dangerous* combination. Why do you feel that his anger over someone else having you equals caring?

Please, please PLEASE! Read this, and read this again!!!

Do you really want to be in a love relationship with someone who tells you upfront that they will not be able to control themselves if you do something they don't like??

Now it is just dating other guys. What if soon it will be having male friends. Or even just talking to other guys?

[Fred Tracy]

Yeah, that whole bit about not being able to control himself.. he sounds like a douche. I would be so turned off if I were you.

Handy 2 step guide to solving all your relationship problems:

1. Go direct, tell him you need more time with him.
2. If he agrees, success. If not, dump him because your needs aren't being met!

I actually recommend that for everything, ever.

Identify your needs, find people who can meet them and eliminate those who can't.