boyfriend does not contact me for days

[SkinnyMillinks]

Your post struck a heartstring in me. When that kind of relationship happens to me, I get frustrated and angry. I want a man who is thinking of me and rings me at least a couple of times during the week. That for me helps me get more emotionally bonded with him because for me sex or making love is emotional. I think u should talk to him . Dont be afraid of what he says. If u want a phone call during the week and are giving the pleasure of sex to him...u deserve that. Inside your true self u might really want a relationshipn with this man. This is to cold....he needs to be calling you, wanting you not on his terms but on your terms too. sex is powerful, it can make you insane because it is such a bonding experiance esp if you really like or love someone. Tell him what you need, and this thing aboyt him getting angry..red lights...he does not sound safe, he might be a wack job and u dont want to get hurt or see that part of him come out..he might be a very controling man.....your not engaged..keep looking. Praying for u...

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

he's told me about his shift patterns, and it changes every week. Even he cannot remember his work times and has to keep referring to his given schedule by his hospital. (he's an emergency dr) He meets me when he has no night or evening shift.

It appears to me that he has spends his time alone, but i know sometimes he meets his fellow doctors too.

Hm... where can a relationship head ? What do people talk about when they ask where is the relationship headed?

Ohhh well as an ER doctor he must be a busy man, and probably works really long tiring shifts. I think he probably needs a fair bit of time to unwind and stuff, and may not feel particularly "romantic" after a hard day's/night's work??!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Ohhh well as an ER doctor he must be a busy man, and probably works really long tiring shifts. I think he probably needs a fair bit of time to unwind and stuff, and may not feel particularly "romantic" after a hard day's/night's work??!

And even if that is true, if she wants something else from the relationship, it is perfectly ok to tell him that and if he cannot adjust look for another partner.

It is not about one being wrong or right. it is about being compatible.

[rei]

If he is an ER doc then he's probably quite busy.

Even if he does not accept your weeknight idea, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you. It might mean he feels like he has almost no personal time and has stress of being on call, etc., and he may need to get used to the idea of changing up his weekday routine. That can be true even when the person enjoys time with you.

However, I just want to chime in on the idea of the possessiveness, to encourage you to think it through as that's not really a good thing in my book. Especially if his work is stressful, which I'm sure it is.

Do you want to be with someone who gets so jealous they give preemptive warning that they may act rashly and can't control themselves?

Me, I would not enjoy that one bit. I don't think I'd change this standard if I were on relationship road with a doctor. Whether he is a doctor, a CEO, a stockbroker, or a gas station clerk, I prefer to be with someone who realizes love and possessiveness are different things. Who will act jealous in a contrived way if they see I need the ego boost but who won't really feel like that about it. Because to me, realizing possessiveness is not love, is an important sign of emotional health.

I have grown to this perspective after letting go of jealous insecurity on my part toward partners.

So I am not telling you to leave him alone. I just want to bring it up, and ask you to ask yourself if that is the sort of relationship dynamic you really want to have.

*Especially* if you are healing or growing away from the stuff that led to codependency. I would say in that context, it is even more important to take a long look at his statement, and make sure this person still fits your notion of healthy relationship. Or whether you may decide you have more work to do on yourself, if this isn't an obvious no-fly-zone trait to you. (Speaking as someone who was once codependent as well.)

[freddy]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

Done.

We had an exchange on phone texting. He asked me, "how are u?"

i replied, "i'm in relaxed mood, no music teaching this week. you wanna join me in relaxing? :-) "

he said, "Oh, i see ! I chk schedule."

now waiting to see if he gets back to me.

*jitters*

To me, relationship is a lot of challenging my fears. I have fear of intimacy/abandonment/rejection/yadayada.

Keep challenging, girl....

Well, if it don't work out the way you hope, and deserve with a relationship. You can join the rest of us miss-fits here on the forum. We all give and take a little bit of courage as we need it. Keep your chin up kid.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by ssandra

And even if that is true, if she wants something else from the relationship, it is perfectly ok to tell him that and if he cannot adjust look for another partner.

It is not about one being wrong or right. it is about being compatible.

Oh yes, absolutely! I guess I was just referring to the fact that as an ER doctor he's probably more tired and busy than neglecting her on purpose or because he doesn't want to see her.

Of course, if such a relationship isn't what she wants, then it's something she'll have to deal with and she will have to speak to him about it. However, if they can reach some understanding based on his busy lifestyle and her needs, then it's all good.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Angela

Very clever of you to pick an ER doctor to help you work through those fears! Excellent and very bold choice!

When I first felt attracted to him, i didn't even know he was a doctor. :P

I also didn't know that ER is so stressful.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Please, please PLEASE! Read this, and read this again!!!

Do you really want to be in a love relationship with someone who tells you upfront that they will not be able to control themselves if you do something they don't like??

Now it is just dating other guys. What if soon it will be having male friends. Or even just talking to other guys?

What he said was he would not be able to control his anger if i get *involved* with another guy.

And i think it's understandable for him to be angry for that cos I would too. And I think it is good that he tells me that because that tells me his boundaries and it is a fair boundary. Fidelity is sacrosanct in any relationship.

He used "being posessive" on that context. but what I see from his behavior is that he is not possessive regarding me and my male friends. Cos he's met some of them and I sometimes mention them. I have also hugged a guyfriend (note we are in asian context) in front of him, and I was pleased that he looked ok with that! It is important for me that he lets me have my male friends. I have close male friends who are part of my support system. I would certainly break up with him and not look back, if he stops me from seeing them !!!

When we first discussed our relationship, he was relieved that I would not stop him from having female friends. he was expecting that when i become gf , i will restrict his social life. PErhaps where he comes from (India), couples are more conservative. But I believe in platonic relationships. i notice that my trust in him caused him to become more open and affectionate with me after the talk.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

When I first felt attracted to him, i didn't even know he was a doctor. :P

I also didn't know that ER is so stressful.

Well, you know now! Great lesson you've created here for yourself, if you're willing to get the learnings!

Have you two had The Talk, by the way? Have you explicitly agreed that you're seeing only each other, and talked about what kind of relationship you both see you guys having?

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Oh yes, absolutely! I guess I was just referring to the fact that as an ER doctor he's probably more tired and busy than neglecting her on purpose or because he doesn't want to see her.

Of course, if such a relationship isn't what she wants, then it's something she'll have to deal with and she will have to speak to him about it. However, if they can reach some understanding based on his busy lifestyle and her needs, then it's all good.

I can see that he is indeed struggling with his work. He looks tired and stressed. And for 2 mths , he's been talking about "maybe i should change to family medicine instead." But I encourage him to stay in ER, cos i know this is what he really loves and called to do.

But that's so unlike him on our first few dates when he was like a Energizer Bunny.

That was what attracted me to him. I don't expect him to be Energizer Bunny all the time, it makes me wonder, to see him looking so stressed and quiet nowadays. It makes the dates "less interesting" compared to what it used to be.

I guess I miss the old him but that was the him who was romancing me, not the real him?

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, you know now! Great lesson you've created here for yourself, if you're willing to get the learnings!

Have you two had The Talk, by the way? Have you explicitly agreed that you're seeing only each other, and talked about what kind of relationship you both see you guys having?

Yes. He told me he was glad I initiated it. He told me that he is not seeing anyone else.

I said i wanted a monogamous fulfilling relationship. He's ok with that.

He said he wants a substantial relationship, cos he has "enough of shallow relationships."

Just that I need to find a time to talk to him about what he means by "substantial".

We need more specifics to understand what is the ideal relatinoship he wants and what i want.

[Moon Child]

Belly girl, i think for your relationship to work out, you two have to find a medium somewhere. From what i have read so far, i can see that you both are mature rational human beings that do want to see a long term relationship.
The problem here from what I can read, is that due to his workload, he can not give you in regards to your relationship as much as you would like. Where I see that you also wrote that he wanted to move into family medicine, to lesson the work hours, so he may have more time with you. Where you encouraged him not to. Which to my opinion may not be the best decision you can make. Surely i can see that you want what makes him the happiest, but at the same time you are neglecting your own happiness. I do not feel that it would be selfish for you, to ask him to meet you halfway somewhere. Whether that halfway point is, is for you guys to figure out.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by freddy

Well, if it don't work out the way you hope, and deserve with a relationship. You can join the rest of us miss-fits here on the forum. We all give and take a little bit of courage as we need it. Keep your chin up kid.

Didn't work out.

He msged me to say that he was at home having a fever.

I asked him, "you need TLC? Anything I can do to help?"

He said, "thx a lot, dear. I'll just rest. Late night duty tomorrow. You also rest."

I would love to do something to make him feel better.

[freddy]

You could take him some chicken soup with out him knowing your comming over. Maybe look around a bit while your there, just to make sure things are how they should be. What person would'nt like that.

[spacecadetglow]

He's just not that into you. Read the book, I'm telling you!

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

He's just not that into you. Read the book, I'm telling you!

u gotta explain that.

i know that book.

i thought there were good signs. he asked me to answer a phonecall on his phone on his behalf. i see that as a sign of trust. he asked me to leave my things at his home. he's respectful and tender and caring to me. he goes shopping with me. he always holds my hand firmly when we're out.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

u gotta explain that.

i know that book.

i thought there were good signs. he asked me to answer a phonecall on his phone. i see that as a sign of trust. he asked me to leave my things at his home. he's respectful and tender and caring to me. he goes shopping with me. he always holds my hand firmly when we're out.

Well, you know your situation best. But I think if you were totally satisfied you wouldn't be posting about it on these forums, and you wouldn't have titled your thread "boyfriend does not contact me for days."

So if all those "good signs" are true, why are you dissatisfied?

It may not be what you want to hear, but in the long run, it's one of the healthiest perspectives you can take on for yourself. If your needs aren't being met, either he's oblivious to your needs because you haven't spoken up about them, or he is not capable of meeting them because he's just not that into you. So decide what you want to do, because no one here wants to see you sad or suffering, that's for sure.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Well, you know your situation best. But I think if you were totally satisfied you wouldn't be posting about it on these forums, and you wouldn't have titled your thread "boyfriend does not contact me for days."

So if all those "good signs" are true, why are you dissatisfied?

It may not be what you want to hear, but in the long run, it's one of the healthiest perspectives you can take on for yourself. If your needs aren't being met, either he's oblivious to your needs because you haven't spoken up about them, or he is not capable of meeting them because he's just not that into you. So decide what you want to do, because no one here wants to see you sad or suffering, that's for sure.

i'm not happy because i don't get to meet him more often. and that i don't hear from him often enough...

i feel disappointed that when i express interest to meet him, he didn't respond fast enough and then turns sick.

i feel disappointed he does not need me to give him TLC.

But everytime when i thought he's not interested, he seems to prove me otherwise. when i challenge myself to give him some trust and show him a little vulnerabiity, it seems to brings us a little closer.

i feel that he is into me. i can feel it, cos when we are together, i feel loved. His behavior shows thoughtfulness and tenderness. And there's some signs of continuity in the conversations, "maybe one day we can go thailand and ... "


i will continue to agonise until i get to meet him and tell him how i really feel.

He does not know that i want more time with him and hear from him more. early on when he was pursuing me, i was really busy and could only meet him once a week. but now i want to meet him more often.

how do i demand this without looking like a clingy woman?

[TonyToneTone]

Did you outright ask him yet? "Why do we meet so infrequently? Where do you see this relationship going?" The simplest solution is usually the correct one... You can even text him these questions if you're scared to ask him in person.

[nudea]

Originally Posted by gingerbaker

Am I the only one that this rings warning bells for? Surely not??

I would look closely not only at his suggestion that he "might not be able to control" his anger, but EVEN MORE CLOSELY at the fact that you equate possesiveness with "i guess he does care for me". This is a *very dangerous* combination. Why do you feel that his anger over someone else having you equals caring?

I REALLY REALLY agree with Gingerbaker and ssandra about the potential danger of this guy. To be honest he really sounds dangerous! One thing I have learned in life (the hard way!) is always believe a person when he tells you how he/she is or is like. When they say "I am ....." , believe them, because they know themselves as no other!

I don't know you or him, but from what I have read it sounds like a lethal combination... you maintaining a somewhat dependant if not passive attitude, looking for warmth and genuine love and he sounding like a man with aggression issues and possesiveness and being a bit mysterious or having a factor of unpredictability.

Forgetting his scedule and stuff like that, c'mon that's just a bs story. I'm sorry to say because this might not be what you want to hear, but I would run the other way and get out as quick as i could.

[Erin Pavlina]

Didn't have time to read all the responses, but the fact that he told you he is possessive, controlling, would get angry if you were with other guys, or what not is a huge problem and a huge sign. And if he's willing to TELL you that, that's probably only the surface.

he has you right where he wants you. He gets to contact you when he wants to see you, and gets to ignore you when he doesn't want you around. He's probably flirting with and possibly even seeing other people. And you won't ever know because you're too afraid to ask about your own relationship let alone the ones he might be having with someone else.

Your power is on the low side. He's going to out goal you and put you right where he wants you to be. And if you ask questions that threaten his control over you, he's either going to lie and tell you what you want to hear, make you feel bad for asking, or dump you altogether cuz you'll be on to him.

This relationship doesn't feel healthy as is. Be super careful.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Didn't have time to read all the responses, but the fact that he told you he is possessive, controlling, would get angry if you were with other guys, or what not is a huge problem and a huge sign. And if he's willing to TELL you that, that's probably only the surface.

he has you right where he wants you. He gets to contact you when he wants to see you, and gets to ignore you when he doesn't want you around. He's probably flirting with and possibly even seeing other people. And you won't ever know because you're too afraid to ask about your own relationship let alone the ones he might be having with someone else.

Your power is on the low side. He's going to out goal you and put you right where he wants you to be. And if you ask questions that threaten his control over you, he's either going to lie and tell you what you want to hear, make you feel bad for asking, or dump you altogether cuz you'll be on to him.

This relationship doesn't feel healthy as is. Be super careful.

Thank you, Erin, for the response.

I need to work on my assertiveness more.

Today, I'm starting to see signs you people warned about.

I invited him to my friends' gathering at a club today.

Firstly, I notice that he invalidated my feeling when I said i felt it was rude that he was playing with his iphone racing game while holding a conversation with me.

Secondly , I watched him on the dance floor. I don't like the way he danced. I know that the way a person dance shows something about the person. He danced with eyes closed, and he has very haphazard energy. Sometimes, he was erratically energetic to the oblivion of his surroundings, I had to grab him to oneside, when he was so into dancing that he was unaware that he was blocking the way of a couple. I see this as a sign of low awareness of surroundings.

Sometimes, he stood that frowning at the music played, if he didn't like the music. When he danced with me, it was difficult for me to dance in sync with him. It was like I had to grab his attention to get him to dance with me, cos he was so in his own world. i believe that a human's connection with another human shows in the way they dance together. (i know because i'm working on my own connection with people.)

When I tried to get his attention to get him to dance with me, I looked straight into his eyes for a long time. And I feel disturbed by his eyes. They look glazed. I saw pain and suffering in them.

When with people, he is eloquent, intelligent and confident. But when he's on the dance floor, he is so different. It was like he was using the music as a drug.

I believe that a person's eyes tell the truth.

It makes me feel scared. It makes me think twice about continuing the relationship.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by BellyGirl

Thank you, Erin, for the response.

I need to work on my assertiveness more.

Today, I'm starting to see signs you people warned about.

I invited him to my friends' gathering at a club today.

Firstly, I notice that he invalidated my feeling when I said i felt it was rude that he was playing with his iphone racing game while holding a conversation with me.

Secondly , I watched him on the dance floor. I don't like the way he danced. I know that the way a person dance shows something about the person. He danced with eyes closed, and he has very haphazard energy. Sometimes, he was erratically energetic to the oblivion of his surroundings, I had to grab him to oneside, when he was so into dancing that he was unaware that he was blocking the way of a couple. I see this as a sign of low awareness of surroundings.

Sometimes, he stood that frowning at the music played, if he didn't like the music. When he danced with me, it was difficult for me to dance in sync with him. It was like I had to grab his attention to get him to dance with me, cos he was so in his own world. i believe that a human's connection with another human shows in the way they dance together. (i know because i'm working on my own connection with people.)

When I tried to get his attention to get him to dance with me, I looked straight into his eyes for a long time. And I feel disturbed by his eyes. They look glazed. I saw pain and suffering in them.

When with people, he is eloquent, intelligent and confident. But when he's on the dance floor, he is so different. It was like he was using the music as a drug.

I believe that a person's eyes tell the truth.

It makes me feel scared. It makes me think twice about continuing the relationship.

Maybe he'd had just a really hard day at work?? I don't know, but I imagine there are times when ER doctors have REALLY bad days. I mean, can you imagine the sort of stuff they go through, day in and day out?? Maybe he DOES need to use the music as a drug to block some of that stuff out of his head?? I think I'd go stir crazy doing that sort of work

Anyway, all that being said, you really need to have a proper talk with him, about where he sees his life going, where yours is going etc. etc.

I'm not going to jump up and down and say this guy's trouble, because I doubt he is. I think he's just a busy guy in a super stressful job trying to negotiate his life .

[Fastingforbikinisummer]

He deff has someone else....... Have u ever been To his house sounds funny....

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Fastingforbikinisummer

He deff has someone else....... Have u ever been To his house sounds funny....

Why do people assume this?? The guy is an ER doctor, I don't suppose he has time to be sleeping with a bunch of women?!

I say don't jump to conclusions, just talk to the guy and don't get paranoid because a bunch of people on a forum (who don't know him or you) have warned you that he may be bad news!

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Fastingforbikinisummer

He deff has someone else....... Have u ever been To his house sounds funny....

i dun think he has anyone else. i've been to his home.

and i leave my toiletries and clothes there, in an open paper bag on his open shelf. and i've been introduced to his landlord family.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by votoshka

I'm not going to jump up and down and say this guy's trouble, because I doubt he is. I think he's just a busy guy in a super stressful job trying to negotiate his life .

The trouble for me is not that he doesn't have time or that he uses the music as a drug to just zone out for a bit. That's normal to me. Or could be normal.

The part that I worry about is that he said "when you are ever with someone else, I don't know if I'm able to control myself"

he didn't say "I won't like that" or " it will hurt my feelings" or "I'll be very angry with you".

He said "I don't know if I'm able to control myself".

If someone already can confess to that themselves, then the reality of what they are capable of is most likely to be much worse.

[BellyGirl]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

Your power is on the low side. He's going to out goal you and put you right where he wants you to be. And if you ask questions that threaten his control over you, he's either going to lie and tell you what you want to hear, make you feel bad for asking, or dump you altogether cuz you'll be on to him.

This relationship doesn't feel healthy as is. Be super careful.

What would a equal power relationship look like ?

[James81]

Well, you've only been dating two months and he's an ER Doctor.

I'm sure his schedule is pretty insane.

I don't think it means anything about you. I figure it's a case of a man who works a lot and, when he's not working, needs to recoup. I'm fairly confident that the life of a doctor probably requires a LOT of time (both to work and to recouperate).

I'm sure he thinks you're the absolute bees knees.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by ssandra

The trouble for me is not that he doesn't have time or that he uses the music as a drug to just zone out for a bit. That's normal to me. Or could be normal.

The part that I worry about is that he said "when you are ever with someone else, I don't know if I'm able to control myself"

he didn't say "I won't like that" or " it will hurt my feelings" or "I'll be very angry with you".

He said "I don't know if I'm able to control myself".

If someone already can confess to that themselves, then the reality of what they are capable of is most likely to be much worse.

Honestly, I think this is just words! Unless he has ever shown any violent tendencies, I would take this with a grain of salt. I'm sure in my life I've said things like that before! I mean, stuff like "If you ever cheated on me I'd kill you!" or something Of course I WOULDN'T do that lol, BUT that doesn't mean I wouldn't SAY it!

What people say and what they do and the way they behave aren't always the same. I would never assume that just because someone said something like that, that they were ACTUALLY a violent person. I do think people with the propensity for violence actually demonstrate some traits that would suggest they're people to stay away from, but just using words, to me, isn't indicative of a violent person.

If he showed irrational anger, or seemed to have trouble controlling himself in that regard, however, I'd take this more seriously. As far as I can recall from the thread, she's never suggested that he seems to be this way inclined though!

I just don't think we can draw conclusions about this guy from one sentence he once said